Longing (Austin Hughes)

[Judah Marck]

His hand shot up, managing to catch the juice after nearly fumbling it, staring at it in confusion. Right, breakfast, he was going to make them breakfast foods. He pierced the straw through it for something to keep his hands busy, idle hands being the devil's play things and all that, considering how Jude had behaved since his arrival at the man's house the statement seemed to ring too true. "I did though, I let you both down by not being honest. Yes, I needed time of course, but I didn't need to force us into loneliness or confusion. I didn't need to argue, or push you away."

Jude sipped at the cool juice, letting it soothe him, keep his sharp tongue inside his head until he'd given himself to sort through thoughts. "Mmm, you know it makes me laugh that you always have these damn things? Augie loves it, in fact, I swear it's his fault. Wasn't it an Anna craving? So you brought home like a whole box? We had way too many late night trips to the store to make sure she was happy, and she'd just smile at us and comment on how good her boys were to her. He fiddled with the straw, his smile not fully formed on his lips. "She loved you too, you know that yeah? She did. Not in the same way, but she wanted..." Austin knew what she wanted, surely, and Jude's expression slipped towards something more troubled.

"I... The week before we moved back here to Harper Rock, before we all separated." He shook his head, reserving that topic. "No, yeah, we needed time but maybe it was too much? I dunno, maybe it was right and i'm making this all harder than it has to be. I dunno, man." Their were words he wanted to say, but he was struggling to form them, they'd never discussed it just all hugged and left once the madness come to an end, when they'd slept away the shaky tears. "Jesus wept, I cannot believe I am bringing this up but we didn't speak about it, we just pretended nothing happened and I can't just pretend it didn't happen anymore. Anna in that silky white slip, standing there with her arms at her sides when we walked in the door. Augie was already with his grandparents while we organised the last of the move, the house was so damn silent, so damn empty and she just stood there amongst all that furniture." He swallowed thickly to dislodge the rising anxiety gripping at his throat, his gaze vacant, averted so that he didn't have to look at Austin while he spoke.

"Do you remember? Yeah. You remember, you remember what she said to us." His tongue flicked out, running across his lower lip, biting into that flesh as if the sharp shock of pain might make it easier to keep the emotion out of his voice, to keep it steady. "She said, "Come to bed", and when we just stood there, confused she said "both of you". You looked kind of shell shocked, and I mean I doubt I looked any more level headed. We were both still bordering on drunk, we'd had one of our quiet, seething little arguments earlier and my heart felt like it was going to escape my chest. I swear I could hear it, and beside me your breathing was shallow. I didn't move, I just stood there like an idiot and then you started walking. Jesus, you walked into the bedroom after her and I followed like a blind fool." He reached to pinch at the bridge of his nose, in the spot where his glasses would often sit, a familiar tension headache building behind his eyes.

Arms had welcomed him, drawing him into that room and closing the door, the night itself turning into a blur of soft touch and more urgent embraces. A confusion of limbs, of pleading and persistent pressure building, blinding him to right or wrong. Just them, he needed and wanted just them. It should be a beautiful memory, a cumulation of love but the part he remembered most was his behaviour the day after. His greatest shame.

"In the light of day I couldn't look at you, and I left. I left my wife, I left you laying there and when I came home we had the last big fight I remember." A shiver ran down his spine, Jude's hands slipping to grip at the edge of the table, holding himself steady. He felt it all over again, like some crucial part of him was being torn away and by his own hand. "I repeated the same stupid thing, and you just took it, "If you love me let me go" and while you did, you let me go I knew it wasn't forever. I told you I wanted to be, and it was a damn lie. You knew it, she knew it and I sure as hell knew it. I hit you... I remember hitting you, I didn't really mean to but I did it and Anna was just standing there crying while I begged you to let me go." He stopped abruptly, a remembered stinging across his knuckles, from a punch thrown when Austin had taken hold of him trying to subdue him. "I'm so sorry, I never apologised because we never mentioned it again." Days had passed in cold silence, Anna's smile didn't quite reach her eyes anymore and Jude had to acknowledge it was his doing. "Austin, I broke her damn heart by breaking us apart because she knew what I was doing to myself. To you."

He sighed, his voice lowering to a whisper. "And she kept on loving me, kept on hoping i'd come back to myself even as she began to lose me to the pain i'd caused myself from fear and indecision."

[Austin Hughes (DELETED 8178)]

"Everyone reacts to things differently Jude. Yours was just separation. I guess in a way mine was as well. We both have seen a number of different kinds of loss and we have seen how different people react. Some grow cold, some break down and others just deal with it head on. Yours came in stages really." Austin had turned cold for a while at the time. Wanting nothing more than to vanish into nothingness. He hadn't admitted that fact to anyone not even now. There had been times when he had sat there alone in the dark prayed for the courage to end it all. When they become more frequent he turned to the church for guide's. That was when one of the other pastors had asked him to join in on the first trip he had ever gone on. Turkey. It had opened his eyes to everything then. He knew there was more to himself. He loved Judah and he always would but he learned he could be of use elsewhere in the world. He decided then he would continue to travel and help where he could. It was his form of dealing with the loss.

Austin mouth curved up on in as he thought of the two men, always on call to the needs of a pregnant woman. It was humorous at time. Everything would be fine and all would be minding their own business then Anna would perk up with a craving. Sometimes they were lucky and the food or drink was in the home already. Other time not so much, as the two men would race away to find her needs and see that they were met. "Those were fun times, not always easy, but fun none the less."

"I loved her too Jude." His voice trailed as he turned back to the stove and occupied his hands and thoughts. That night, that one night, had changed everything. He remembered the look on Anna's face as she told them to come to bed. He remembered the look on Jude's. The look of utter confusion. He had no clue why he had followed her to the bedroom. He should of gone to his own or just leftthe house completely. They were both drunk though and they both made the decision to follow her and let the night continue as it had.

He shifted his jaw as he remembered the impact of Judah's fist. It wasn't the fact that he had been hit that had caused the pain but the fact of who hit him. It could of easily turned into a full blown fight then but instead he'd left. He'd gotten his things and left. He didn't want to hurt Jude more then he felt he already has. He knew Anna was hurt and he couldn't further her pain either. So he did what he had to do. Jude had wanted him gone and so he obligated.

"I don't know if she ever told you this but the next morning, after you left, we talked. We talked about what had happened. I told her that I felt what we had before then," His voice cracked causing him to stop and clear his throat before he could continue. God, how could he tell him this? He needed to. Jude needed to know the full story."I told her that our way if life had changed that night. We would never be able to go back to the way things were. There was a line we had crossed and even if we tried to pretend it had never happened, it would always be there. The huge white elephant in the room." He kept his hands busy as he talked, and effort to stay focused and not face Jude."I had told her I would move out on my own. That once you returned I would let you know. She convinced me to stay. She said I needed to stay for you and for myself. So I agreed but" He breathed out sharply "You already know how that turned out."

He turned now and faced Judah, his head hung down as he looked to the floor. "I don't blame you for hitting me. I'd of hit me. I wish I could go back to that night and change everything. I wouldn't of followed her. I would of talked, said something, anything, to understand what you and she wanted. I wouldn't of been a fool like I had been."

[Judah Marck]

His regret over bringing it up was like a knife twisting in his gut, insistently nagging and tearing at him, reminding him of what he'd unleashed. Austin was thus far taking it fairly well, he saw the man stiffen, looking briefly wounded by the topic but perhaps that was Jude's fault. What else could he throw at the guy? When would he find something that Austin couldn't handle and carry upon his shoulders? They said Jude was the one who always took on people's problems, he carried their concerns but Austin gave him a run for his money. "I know, I know you did and you were so good to her. She didn't resent the... Yeah, look, I guess we both feel guilty over what happened and more than once but she KNEW. She welcomed it, she wasn't some innocent party wronged I suppose, not entirely, she'd kick me for thinking that of her. Anna was never a victim, not until the end." He winced at his words, at the reminder of how exactly how much a victim she had been in the end, how she'd fought but her wounds claimed her, her body giving in to the damage sustained.

It was an image he'd never be able to shake, it was filed right beside the others. Life, love and death intertwined.

The way Austin moved his jaw made Judah feel less alone in his aching, it was in the same way his fingers twitched, wanting to flex out and stretch the skin of his knuckles to prove to himself that they were whole, that it was just a memory. He was shocked by Austin's admission, no, he hadn't known that part and the way his jaw slackened probably spoke as much, lips parted in a little "o" of surprise. "You were going to leave?" His brow furrowed, trying to process that, "And she made you stay?" He'd stayed because Anna had told him to, he'd had the foresight to give Jude some time to sort things out in his head, to give him time alone with his wife to deal with what was going on but she'd not let him. "Shiiit." He exhaled the word, pushing at his dark hair like it suddenly felt too heavy. "I'm sorry, i'm so sorry for hitting you. No it's NOT ok, don't you dare forgive me for that. I want you to be at least a little mad, you have the right to be mad, Hughes. Stop being so charmingly reasonable." He gave a weak smile, his words weren't angry, just exasperated.

Part of him wanted Austin to swing his fists, to lay the pain down in judgement so that it could all be out, all done with. He couldn't go forward with this holding him back, and maybe he was pushing his own ideals onto Austin, maybe he was backing the man into a corner of his own making but he couldn't say a way around it. "She never told me that, she just cried and said it was her fault, I thought she meant... The other.... Stuff." Pathetic that he still couldn't say it, he felt childish for it but there it was. He was not going to sit there and declare things that Austin knew, use words that made him bite his lip and duck his head in shyness. There wasn't time for that. "YOU weren't the fool, or if you were then we all were. We all made some mistakes, made some immature choices because talking seemed too hard or we just didn't know the words to use." He shrugged, some of the anxiety loosening it's grip on him, letting him breathe a little easier.

"Seriously though, Hughes, how have you not punched me yet? Or shaken me and told me to get my **** together? I don't know that I could have just left it alone, if I was in your position. I guess maybe if you'd known, if i'd known... I dunno. It happened, we can't change it but we can address it, acknowledge it and move on. I need all cards on the table, Austin, I need that to try. You understand that right? Maybe I need to punish myself a little longer, but then I want to let it go. Judah cleared his throat, the words coming out in a rush of breath, tumbling forth with a pressure that had them sounding louder than intended. "I want to let it go because I ******* love you, Hughes, and I need to forgive myself, forgive her and forgive you." He kicked his legs lightly, head bowed and feeling like a naughty little kid, ashamed. "I let this go too far, too long."

[Austin Hughes (DELETED 8178)]

Anna had of known. How could she not? Even though they had tried to hide it there was no way they could everything. Sure they weren't exactly making out in front of her, hell he wasn't sure that day would ever come to pass, but there were the little things here and there. A subtle touch or the hand. A glimpse from across the room. All while they thought no one was looking. There had been other things that had probably been a give away. Some of Jude's family knew as well. Lou didn't care about it. He was pretty much good with the idea. They probably could hid things better but that would of only made things worse on Anna. Probably on everyone really. Anna would of probably figured it out anyway. She was good at that. At least when it came to Judah she was.

"Do you really want me to get mad? To be mad?" A brow shot up as he asked the questions. He took a long deep breath in before turning around and grabbing an egg from the carton. "Then I'll be mad." He turned and throw the egg at the wall with a satisfying splat sound. What was once a white wall was not spotted with yellow goop and bits of eggshell. The breath he had been holding came out slowly as a smile returned to his face."There. I was mad." He had been mad when it happened. Leaving had been his original idea but instead he'd listened to her and stayed. She thought she was doing the right thing by asking him to stay and at the time, his mind was scattered he didn't know if she was right or not. He was mad for a while after that before it had turned into hurt and loss. Though he hadn't been mad at either of them, only himself for not trusting his gut feeling.

"Truth is I was mad and I stayed that till it turned into this pain in my chest. Every day I felt like I wanted to die. I had to get rid of the anger before it could eat me alive." Austin moved over to the table and hopped up next to Judah."All three of us were young, foolish and stupid. That's on of the reasons I choose not to hold onto that pain and anger any longer. The past is the past and no one can change it." He found himself wrapping an arm around the man's side."You've punished yourself enough for everything. It's time you started to be happy again and do whatever that entails. As long as you are happy, I will be because I ******* love you Judah Marck."

[Judah Marck]

He flinched as Austin moved, he wasn't sure what was coming and if he had to be completely honest he was less worried and more hopeful, he watched the man's shoulders rise and fall with the heavy breath. He was turning an egg in hand and Jude was waiting for it to be thrown in his face, he'd probably have had it coming. He instinctively ducked his head, a hand coming up only to find nothing hit him, the cracking, splatting sound against the wall instead of his head. "Oh... Yeah, yeah i'm glad you got mad but that wasn't the best showing. You CAN do better." He laughed shakily, his nerves still a little on edge, watching the man with caution in his gaze.

Austin hopped up beside him, looking far more relaxed than Judah did, even as he spoke of a pain that tore and ripped. He knew that pain, he understood it and had grown somewhat numb to it over the years. It no longer clawed at his insides, it was a dull ache that lingered, that nagged. "I get it, i'm glad you found a way to keep yourself going, to make a difference. The world needs you, Hughes, the world needs people who are willing to give it their all, to dedicate to a cause. It's just a matter of choosing the right one, isn't it?" Was he talking about his missions still? Jude wasn't sure and as the arm came around it he leant close. What would he choose? Could he have both? "I can't promise I won't keep digging in my heels, but yeah, yeah you're right... **** it." He laughed brightly, colouring rising in his cheeks, his face turning to press against the man's chest with a little groan sound. "What is even happening? Man, are we seriously... Are we doing this? Like, I don't even know what this is, but we can figure that out. Yeah? We will figure this out."

[Austin Hughes (DELETED 8178)]

"We are doing whatever you want to do, Judah, but in not going to let you beat yourself up all the time. If I am nothing more than an escape from reality for a little while, then that is what I will be." He bowed his head and pressed his lips to the top of Jude's head, kissing him lightly. His thumb gently stroked the man's side. "I'd like to be more then that of course but..." He trailed off as he tried to think of the right was to word it. "Like I said. We will go at your pace. You do have August time think about after all."

[Judah Marck]

He scoffed loudly, his elbow digging gently against Austin's side. "Are you kidding me, Hughes? When have you ever been an escape from reality? I won't hear of you belittling yourself that way, alright, man? Lord, have mercy." He grumbled, leaning to pop a kiss on the man's jaw. "I have got August to think about, yes, and he loves the heck out of you. I don't know what he'd say, of course, but the kid hasn't exactly been kept from the more unique things in life. You know i've already started teaching him the family history? He's picking it up marvellously, and of course he knows his scripture, he knows his hymns and he knows how best to pull a prank and get away with it." He laughed proudly, thinking of his beautiful son. The pair had enjoyed the occasional bit of trickery, harmless fun and silliness. They'd both been told off by Jude's parents, like he too was a naughty child and had only sent him into a fit of hysterics. They left him to it, they rarely begrudged their son a moment of happiness, not anymore. "Hopefully he gets only the better parts of me, the rest can be Anna and his influences of the others in his life like you, and Lou, and Ella. You're all a part of it, you know? You all have impact on how he turns out, isn't it incredible?" He sighed, rubbing a hand at the back of his neck as he thought on it. "So... Breakfast, or..."

Jude hopped off the table, his eyes slipping towards the rest of the house, looking suitably awkward as he asked the question, hoping that he'd pick up on the suggestion without his having to speak it. At times he could be a modest man.

[Austin Hughes (DELETED 8178)]

Austin let out a hardy burst of laughter causing him to take a moment to catch his breath before he could speak."August has no choice but to be awesome. Three of the four people you just named are von der Marck's and the fourth one is is the best influence because it's me." The man normally tried to stay on the modest side of things but he had to toot his own horn every once and while. After all, the most of the Marck's have some pretty strong personality and he did not want to pushed into the background all the time.

He followed Judah and hopped down from the table. A smirk came to his face as he reached around the man and grabbed the bottle of whiskey on one hand. With the other he grabbed Jude's hand."Breakfast Can wait till morning. We have other things to discuss." He said as he led the man out of the kitchen and into the rest of house.

[Judah Marck]

Discussion could wait, Judah wanted to do the kind of talking that only two bodies could do, the whisper of lips and caresses. There was hope in that, there was always answers, response and it screamed when words could barely be heard. He didn't wait for Austin to fully catch up, hand in his he tugged the man off down the hall, into the darkness of a waiting room.

Blindly they'd stumbled, one reaching for the other, finding a way to make the height difference between them work by sinking into the softness of a bed, losing themselves in a sea of sheets and the symphony of laughter. Eventually things grew quiet, a series of sighs and murmurs, of eyes slipping closed to revel in other senses. Adoration reigned in the small hours of the morning, the whiskey was long gone and there was nothing between them but heat and promise.

Sometimes things were worth trying for, worth sacrificing and for Judah von der Marck was finally ready to acknowledge that for him Austin Hughes was worth it. He'd try, and he prayed he'd succeed.

Absolutely.