Longing (Austin Hughes)

[Judah Marck]

Mood Music - Outfit

Deep within him it stirred, the kind of longing that felt like a slow burning fire in the pit of your chest. It made an ache in your bones that nothing could soothe except for the one you hoped would stroke away the pain. A brush of fingertips could ignite you, and yet when their hands left your frame you felt yourself turns to cinders, fall to ash upon the floor. You could remember the way they smelled, the way their arms embraced you so tightly and yet gentle enough that you could feel every slight motion; feel the care and caution in their touch. You were precious in that moment, you were burning and you were loved. Alive, awake, and petrified. Scared out of your mind, feeling breath stutter and lips begin to tremble. The only way to stop that slowly rising tremor was with a kiss from his lips, curious, tender, as if there was a question on them that could not be asked aloud. It had to be felt, it had to move you for you to know the answer.

In darkness, in silence the answer was yes. A thousand times over it was yes.

And yet in the light of day he shied away, he hid from the truth of how deeply the ache resided, of how permanently it had made a place within his soul. Stolen moments were the only reprieve, and yet they left a weight behind on the man's shoulders. How sweet that first time he felt the fire stoked, the coals of want turned within him by his name whispered at a door, by the tender touch of hand to cheek and lips to lips. He'd given into it then, let himself be free to explore, free to crave and to give that answer. Yes, a thousand times yes.

Why now, after over a decade did he stand shaking on the man's doorstep, hand paused mid knock? Petrified in an entirely different way, afraid to say with words that he no longer could in whispers beneath the veil of darkness. Love. He knew it had never left him, that although he had said it not possible he stood here trying to be brave enough to say the words. To tell the man he was wrong, and how sorry he was for his destructive obtuseness. For his worthless guilt, for his roaring fire of longing that time could not extinguish.

His head was all over the place but his heart was open and he'd dressed in an unusually casual outfit to reflect it, from the beanie he now pushed off his ruffled dark hair to the immaculately kept converse sneakers on his feet. Jude hadn't dressed so informally for a visit anywhere in a long time, his version of casual usually consisted of a short sleeved button up shirt that showed the tattoos he'd gotten when he first started questioning his faith, and jeans that were quite obviously designer. He was completely clothed and yet the choice of clothing just showed that inside he was stripped bare, not hiding behind smart clothes or his usual grin. He'd never felt more naked in his life.

Finally his hand fell in a knock, loud and decisive against Austin's door, saying he was there. He was waiting. Judah pressed his hands, and the beanie held in one, into the pockets of his jeans, staring down at his shoes as one shuffled against the ground. Unprepared, after so long he was unprepared. How many times did he see Austin? Frequently enough that it should no longer take his breath away, make him smile awkwardly or grow excited at the prospect. As he waited he promised himself he wouldn't look up, not until the door had opened and those blue eyes were staring down at him expectantly.

For Judah von der Marck his best friend, Austin Hughes, was the living embodiment of longing.

[Austin Hughes (DELETED 8178)]

Smoke slowly rose from the lite cigarette that sat between his lips. Austin wasn't normally a smoker. He only felt the urge to light up when his thoughts turned to his past. Their past really. His best friend and his. The good and the bad all rolled into one. He took a long drag before before setting it down into the only ashtray he owned. The bass that laid on the sofa next to him seemed to urge him to play. He picked it up and after checking it for tune, he began to play.

As he sat back with his bass he let his thoughts wonder. The notes quickly filled the air of the room and before he fully realized it, a familiar song began to form at his finger tips. It was the same song from the night he had gotten Judah on stage and they preformed together. He was unsure why or fully how he had gotten him on stage but he had. The muscles at the corner of him curled up into a slight smile as he continued to play and let his thoughts continue to wonder.

He closed his eyes as the rest of the night began to race through his mind. The rush he had gotten from being on stage across form him. There might have been a number of others in the room at the time but to him it was just like one of their jam session. Just the two of them. Then the electric feeling he had gotten in the cab they shared that night. He had always had a slight feeling if it when they were together but that night it grew greatly.

He remembered the feeling he had when he stood outside of Jude's bedroom. Scared. Anxious. Something else that he didn't wish to admit at the time. Would things have been better off if he had simply turned around and gone back to his room that night? Would they not of grown distant? It didn't matter, he did stay and when the door had opened he wanted everything that happened that night. He still did. Even after all these years. Always.

His song is interrupted by knock followed by his dog standing up and running to the door. He sat down his bass and as he stood he straightened out his lose fitting jeans and t-shirt he had on. Once he made it to the door he pushed the dog aside and opened the door. His eyes fell to the sight of the dark haired man he could not get from his thoughts. "Judah?"

[Judah Marck]

He heard the familiar music drifting through the door, a song he knew well and it did nothing to settle the stirring within him, the nervous butterflies that wildly within his gut. The music was cut off abruptly by his knocking and the dog's enthusiasm over a guest. His own two dogs would likely do the same if Austin was at the door, they'd gotten both of them as puppies not long after Augie was born, Jude's theory was that a family wasn't complete without fur babies. The door was open and a familiar scent hit him, the light fragrance of cigarette smoke and beneath it, Austin. It didn't help that he was in the fresh air, no, he took a deep shuddering breath before stammering out his greeting. "H-hi. Hello."

He was beginning to wish he'd had a cigarette himself to soothe the nerves, it was a habit Jude had tried to leave behind a million times over but in times of high stress or high excitement he'd light up and let the smoke bring him back down. Lord, he wanted a smoke. "Austin..." He breathed the name, shaking his head at himself. "Should I have called? ****. I should have called, I definitely should have called. Sorry." Stop talking, he had to remind himself, just stop talking. Jude rocked slightly on the balls of his feet as he awaited response, he wanted to reach out and hug him, to lift him off his feet in that strong embrace they often shared but his idiotic messages while he'd been in Germany still hadn't really been addressed. Sure, they'd spoken, but not really about that. "Hey, buddy!" He leaned down to scratch behind the dog's ears, rubbing at them affectionately before once more straightening up. He'd managed to avoid those blue eyes thus far, but he knew he had to look at them eventually and so he did. He sucked in a sharp breath, feeling it live him in a whoosh as he stared up. Waiting, tired of waiting.

[Austin Hughes (DELETED 8178)]

Jude was rambling on about calling him. The light smiled curled his mouth upward before licked his lips quickly to hide it. The electric feeling was back. It was a small tingle on his skin as he watched him with the dog. He seemed to forget life for a moment as he watched. Soon Judah's eyes met his and the electric feeling grew. The spark that ran through him was instant. He wanted nothing more than to grab the man's face and pull their lips together in an embrace.

Austin fought the urge and instead cleared his throat before speaking. "You don't need to call. I was just playing on the bass a little." He gave an almost sheepish chuckle as he cleared his throat again. "Come on in." He gestured the man's into the living room and shut the door behind them. He made his way over a makeshift liquor cabinet and began to make himself something to drink."Would you like a drink?" He started making another drink in anticipation of a yes answer.

"Please ignore the mess. I just got back from Nepal last week." He has procrastinated with his unpacking and there were still suit cases and backpacks in the room. He didn't see the point in fully unpacking at anytime as most of them time he was only home for a month or two before the next missions trip took him to some other part of the world. He enjoyed the distraction and the distance helped keep his thoughts at bay along with all the other distractions of mission work.

[Judah Marck]

He reached up to rub anxiously at his dark hair, fingertips pushing it back into that quiff it usually sat in, struggling to keep his expression even as he stared up at Austin. He felt so small in that moment, and yet so large, so bright he couldn't hide. Jude experienced the rising urge to run, to move, the boundless energy that was encased in his shorter frame often seemed hard to contain. He buzzed with it, and laughed, a short sharp sound as Austin cleared his throat, as he finally spoke. The words washed over him and Jude's lopsided grin grew, leaning down to make a kissy face at the dog that was trying to get under his hand for more attention. "I should always call, Grandpa Gasto taught me manners and he'd kick my butt if he thought I wasn't using them. Even with you."

He didn't hover long on the man's doorstep as he was ushered inside, again that ridiculous urge to throw his arms around Austin and bury his to his chest was gnawing at him, so instead he crouched down in the middle of the room as the dog flopped on it's back, requesting belly rubs which Jude gave with gusto. "Who's a good pup? Yes, you are!" He cooed, keeping himself busy. A drink was often and he was rising to his feet, nodding eagerly. "A drink sounds like a great plan, man." At the mention his mess he did a sweep of the room with those dark brown orbs, taking in as he always did the minor details. "I never did understand how you could put off unpacking so long, I mean the amount of times I gave up and started doing it for you. Remember when we moved out of the loft? I decided your packing method was too messy, and ended up repacking half your stuff while you serenaded me and made up songs about Saint Jude, the obsessive." He was always the neater one, pedantic Anna might say, and his laughter at the memory eased some of the tension he felt inside.

"Mess doesn't bother me really, not when i'm just dropping by. Though i'm done with my travels for a while, after Germany..." Germany, where he'd sent the messages from. ****. He'd have to say something about it, wouldn't he? To tell him what he was on about? Austin knew, he had to know. No, Judah had been cryptic enough and made himself sparse to avoid such conversations, why should the man expect he was ready to have one now? He flopped down onto the couch, reaching over to pluck his fingers over the bass. "How was it? Nepal?" Jude's folded one leg up, ankle resting atop the other knee, foot jiggling with that barely harnessed anxious energy.

[Austin Hughes (DELETED 8178)]

Germany. The text messages and phone call he had gotten stood out in his mind then.Miss you. It was always floating around in his thoughts but now it raced to the forefront of everything. He had never gotten down the meaning of the message. Was it as a friend would miss another they hadn't talked to in a while? Was it something akin to family missing each other. Was it more then that? Austin had missed him too. He had missed him deeply. Far more then he was willing to admit. At least out loud. He should of said something more back. He shouldn't of remained silent when he was asked what he would do. Why didn't he just come out and say that he missed him too.

He grabbed both their drinks and walked over to Jude and handed the drink over. A spark shot through him again as their fingers touched for the briefest moment. He quickly took a drink as he settled down onto the floor in front of the sofa and rubbed at his loveable mutt as he talked and tried to ignore the spark he still felt inside of him."Nepal was great. We helped add onto the orphanage in the area and fixing what needed to be fixed. Did ministry of course. Oh! We are starting a school there too, which we started construction on while I was there. I had to leave before it was finished but I'm sure I'll be back to see the finished product." He grinned as hegestured to the luggage "One of the reasons for not fully unpacking yet. One of the boys that joined us on this trip brought his guitar, so him and I would jam out for the locals in our down time. Most of them enjoyed it."

He chuckled lightly before taking another drink and focused his eyes up at Judah. As he cleared his throat he quickly licked at his lips. "How was your time in Germany? Did you find the long lost secret you were looking for?" What was the text and call all about? He omitted asking the last question out loud and kept it to himself. If Jude wanted to talk about it, the subject would come up in time.

[Judah Marck]

He watched the man’s back, the muscles working beneath his t-shirt as he made the drinks. The lifestyle had been fairly kind to Austin, he'd managed to stay physically fit and Jude noted the subtle differences between the man now and when they had first met. The soft, roundness of youth had faded leaving a strong jaw and high cheekbones. He’d gained muscle but still remained slender, his height should be intimidating but Austin was so approachable with his easygoing manner that instead it made him appear comforting, his hugs able to envelop you. As he turned with drinks in hand Jude probably looked like a naughty schoolboy, caught out the way he ducked his head sheepishly. “Thanks,” His hand closed around the glass, hand lingering close as fingertips brushed, eyes shooting up to stare into Austin’s. “Prost,” He barely managed to squeak out, clearing his throat before trying again. “Uh, Prost. Cheers.” Austin would know the tradition Judah held onto by now, you must look someone in the eyes when you said it, or risk seven years bad luck in bed.

Judah sipped at his drink and enjoyed listening to the man talk about Nepal, it sounded wonderful, it sounded perfect for Austin. Being out amongst the people, making a real difference. It was always his destiny, most church positions were too rigid for him, he had a freedom to his spirit. "A boy, huh?" He said before he could stop himself, the slightest twinge of jealousy gripping him. Foolish, really, and he laughed it off. "Uh, yeah that sounds really amazing. Does it mean you're going back soon then? I thought you might be around again for another month or two at least." He felt a twinge of disappointment, and a sense of urgency. He should talk to him, he should explain. "You should be proud of what you're doing, I bet everyone loves you there. Do they all think you're a good, sweet Lutheran man? Pastor Austin? Have they picked up on the cheeky side?" He teased, trying hard to keep the mood light even as he felt like brooding, like letting his grinning mask slip away.

He was asking him about his own travels, about the trip and Jude found his glass moving to his lips, swallowing most of the remaining liquid before he was able to talk. He gave a little cough, shifting awkwardly in his seat. "The secret..." He rolled the glass between his palms, staring into it. "Yeah, look I found out a lot on that trip, and there is a lot more work because of it but you know me. I like to be busy." His lips parted once more, a sigh upon them but the words hesitated to follow. "Austin... We should talk, shouldn't we? I mean we are talking, but we should REALLY talk. We haven't in a long time, and I think we need to. Or maybe I need to? You might be done with that kind of talking, you might not want to hear it. I was going to back out, you know? Not do it, but then when I came home August was asking about Uncle Austin, he was talking about how we should all live together again and then everyone would be happy. What a thing for a kid to say, for my son to say." He tapped his ring finger against the glass, the metal making a methodic little clicking sound ring out into the silence his pause left.

"I've been an idiot, and I don't even know where to start trying to... How do I talk about this? Germany, in Germany I found more than just family information, I found that I could no longer avoid or pretend about certain things. I don't know why it was so heavy on my mind, maybe it's that the anniversary of Anna's passing is approaching, and the last thing she told me to do was find you. Was not to lose you. I spilled my guts to poor Louvel, and I texted you... I called you. Then I hung up, because i'm a damn punk. I'm afraid. I don't know how to do this." He stood up suddenly, no longer able to hold in the energy that coursed through him, his feet carrying him back and forth in a short pacing circle around Austin's living room. "I meant it, what I said. I miss the loft, I miss you and i'm such a fool for letting you get so far away. I don't know why you still let me come back here, I don't know why..." He was clutching the glass too hard, the man finishing the last few drops before putting it down, freeing his hands to fiddle with the rings on his fingers. Waiting for reply.

[Austin Hughes (DELETED 8178)]

Austin's face lost the smile that was on his as listened to Jude. It seemed the conversation was coming up very quickly. He was relieved that they were going to talk about it. Relieved that they might finally get to clear the air of this situation that seemed to hang between them. In the same moment though he was scared. Scared of losing his best friend n scared of losing everything they had. Scared of losing everything he had been holding onto all these years.

He watched as Judah began to pace around his small living room. Was this excess of energy from him being nervous or of excitement? Austin had his own excess of energy building up. He could the tightening in his stomach and the hair on the back of his neck slowly stand on end. His body temperature was slowly rising higher and higher, as if someone had turned the heat up. He had had these same feelings several times before. Two nights impartial stood out. Their first time together and their last argument that had changed everything.

Why did he let Jude continue to come back here after all that had happened? His jaw set into a hard line as he thought on everything that happened and everything that had been said. After a moment he finished off his drink, stood up and faced Judah, locking eyes with him. "Do you want to know why I still let you come here? Even after all we have been through together?" He walked up to Jude and grabbed his face in both hands before pushing their lips together as he continued to hold onto him. The tightness in his stomach exploded and the heat that had been building vanished and was replaced by the feeling of electricity running over his skin. "Because I love you." He said once their lips parted and he pulled away to see Jude's face. His own face had softened again.

[Judah Marck]

-Song in Jude's head-

Austin's drink was flowing through his lips, draining easily from the glass and into oblivion. Jude had watched his expression shifting, darkening as he'd spoken and he feared he'd stirred anger, something that would lead to fists and heated words. He deserved it of course, if that's what came flying his way. It was a stupid thing to say. He knew why Austin let him come back, it was the very same reason he kept coming, why he made those late night calls when the pair of them were miles apart and he'd pull out a map, fingertips tracing over the place in the world that the man had run off to this time. Wishing he could join him, and speak the whispers in person. The cold light of day always broke through the darkness, always bringing with it the sobering reality that Judah didn't have it in him to do what needed to be done.

Tell him, or let him go.

Two simple choices, two impossibly hard situations to face. One of the choices meant heart ache and longing, meant losing someone that he felt breathless when he was with and like he was suffocating without. It meant he had a chance though, Austin would be given an opportunity to mend his heart and find someone who could give him the love he needed, the love he deserved. The other choice? To tell him the truth? To ask for forgiveness and patience?Selfish, potentially a more bitter end to their relationship because Jude wasn't sure if he was ready or when he would be. Yet here he stood, declaring they should talk, he was planning to tell him the full truth of it, and to present him with the cold reality, admit to him the fear that had Jude locked in it's jaws.

Austin was on his feet, staring him down with a burning intensity that had Jude shivering from head to toe, the man's limbs taking up a visible shake as the words crashed against his ears, roaring inside his head. His trembling lips parted, breathing out a soft, "Yes", but the word was cut short by the press on hands to his cheeks, cupping against his face in a way that had those thumbs beneath his jaw tilting his head up. Jude was rising up on his tip toes, leaning in as lips crushed down to his, a kiss that had his nerves lighting up, that fire inside sparking to life. His hands gripped at Austin's sides, bunching into fists amongst the material of his shirt as he let himself be kissed, let himself lean into it like he needed it to breath.

It was over to soon, and he was left gasping, panting desperately as a fever seemed to break out over his skin, his cheeks flushed with the colour of roses. His head swam and he struggled to draw in breath let alone speak, his hands seeming to only tighten in grip. He feared he put a hole in the material if he didn't stop, but he couldn't quite seem to control it. His mouth moved, but no words formed, the man having to collect himself first. He bowed his head, focusing on the man's sternum, knowing he couldn't speak if he caught that flash of blue looking at him. "I know you do. I'm sorry, i'm so sorry." His voice was shaky, hoarse as if he were choking back tears. It was around then he realised he was, he was fighting the tide and felt like he was drowning, he wanted to drown in it, to wail and sob, to crawl into the man's arms or into his face. To kiss him and let the tears rain down, to free the feelings he'd bitten back, slammed down inside.

"Please... I need..." He didn't know what he needed, he knew what he wanted that much was clear but needed? "You KNOW, that I know. You know that I l-..." He cleared his throat, fingers tips slowly loosening in grip, unfurling from the fists they'd curled into. His hands smoothed over the man's sides, as if he could remove the small creases he'd created in the t-shirt. "I don't know how to do this, how to say..." Words failed and he finally looked up, pleading in his gaze as he stood there, chest heaving with the weight of his breath. A song seemed to be playing on a loop in his head, one he'd listened to over and over as he tried to work through the thoughts that clouded his mind, "Keep it together." He whispered to himself, biting down on his lower lip to try and cease the quivering.

[Austin Hughes (DELETED 8178)]

Judah was shaking in between his hands. He wanted to hold him, to calm him down and let him know everything was okay. That he was here for him. That he would always be here for him, like he was then and like he always would be. As Jude looked away, his hands fell to rest on the man's shoulder, in a further effort to calm and steady him.

A look of confusion flashed across his face as Judah said he's sorry. Sorry for what? He hand nothing to be sorry for. When someone was raised to believe one thing but everything else inside of them was screaming something else, it took time to figure out what one truly wanted and needed to do. Austin had had this feeling when he had first felt his true feelings for the man in front of him. He had gone looking for answers. He had gone around the world. Judah was still searching, it seemed as he struggled to find words to leave his mouth.

It felt like a weight hit him in his chest as Judah spoke. Austin breathed in a long slow breath and held it. He was fighting back tears now. He didn't know what was about to said but he feared the worst. He couldn't lose Jude.

"I know it's hard." He said, his voice shacking and cracking. He cleaned his throat and tried again. "I know it's hard. I've had a hard time with these feeling myself. You know I tried to form a relationship with Edith that one time. I'm not saying you were the reason it didn't work between us, I just didn't feel for her what I needed to. There were others through the years, both men and women, but they never felt right." His hands tightened around the man's shoulder as his eyes began to swell with tears he was trying so desperately to hold back. "They didn't feel right because it wasn't what I wanted. It wasn't the same feelings I feel for you."

Tears started to fall slowly as he spoke and his knees began to feel weak. "I've had every opportunity to get you out of my life. I could of ignored the phone calls and the text. I didn't have to answer any of them. I could of asked you to leave when you show up on my door step, but I don't. I can't. his knees gave from under him as he fell in front of Jude. His arms wrapped around the man's legs as the tears come faster now."I cannot give up on what I want and need. I want us to live together again. You, August, the dogs and me. I want you and me to be together again. I don't care if we never tell a soul about us. I don't care if we scream it from the top of every mountain top in the world. As long as I have you I'm invincible. He gripped as the man's jeans as he began to sob. He had lost it. He felt like he had lost everything as he laid everything bare before him at Jude's feet.