Harper Rock Journal [Grey]

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April 17

I make it to the urgent care. They take me back right away to a room before a small lobby filled with people. Their looks are a mixture of pity and fright. The nurse takes me back and gives me a gown to change into.

My ribs are fractured on the right side. 'Just a hairline,' the doctor assures me. He listens to my heart and takes a few blood samples. I assure him I'm not pregnant, but he looks at me skeptically. I can tell him the date of my last period without hesitancy.

He is worried. It is in his face as he listens to my heart. His brows draw together and he keeps the cold stethoscope on my skin for longer than necessary. He asks me if any of my parents have any heart conditions. I tell him that my father died young of a heart attack.

I leave the clinic in a cab, called by the doctor himself. He tells me of this medical condition I have called Atrial Fibrillation. He gives me a prescription for pain pills, muscle relaxers, and a blood thinner.

I can't even begin to think how I am going to tell Jesse.

This will just add to his argument to turn me.

'No more stress,' the doctor said. I cry myself to sleep.

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April 25

Reunion with Jesse. Missed him so much. He surprised me. I wasn't expecting him home. In a way, I was starting to think he needed space. That maybe I was too much for him. I am human after all.

I was worried this was his way of letting me go. Disgusted with myself and old memories, I break the bathroom mirror. The only thing that takes away from our time together was the repairmen for the mirror. I can see he has questions in his eyes. Jesse's gaze is intense. But, I cannot tell him. I cannot share with him the thoughts that he just didn't want me anymore.

I'm used to being thrown away.

Had I known he was coming home that night, I wouldn't have broken it.

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April 30

Jesse and I have spend a lot of time together. He has been quite busy though. I do not know specifics, but I am so very thankful to have him back with me. I cannot explain the pain that I went through knowing he was hurt and detained and I was helpless to do anything about it.

It broke something inside of me just a little bit to know I wasn't what he needed at the time.

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May 12, 2014

Jesse and I had another disagreement. He wants me to join him in his beloved immortality. I still didn't feel ready. I know he loves me. I love him. I'm terrified of forever. I am terrified of my heart too. I try to tell him it isn't an issue. I agree to take the medicine the urgent care doctor had prescribed. However, I end up not needing it that night.

After much back and forth, I tell Jesse that I am ready. The night is blissful. He leaves for a short time. A few hours to myself doesn't change anything. He is the romantic. Everything is perfect.

The headache was excruciating. The muscular pain was tolerable. The light was almost insufferable to my eyes. That was the worst thing, the light. Jesse was right there with me. He never left my side as he washed us up and got me back into bed.

I am a vampire now, I thought. That was the last thing on my mind when Jesse pulled me into his side and kept me there as the sun had started to rise.

There was no one to say goodbye to.

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May 15

I asked Brock about being moved to the night shift. There was some hesitancy about having a set of keys, but he knows I won't steal from him. Jesse was less than thrilled that I still work for the man and that he didn't fire me on the spot.

I feel sick to my stomach.

Making Jesse unhappy doesn't sit well with me. But, he will have to accept my independence. Jesse knew when he kept me that I always wouldn't do everything he liked.

I had this job before I met him, after all.

I can pay for my own clothes. I can buy my own hair products. I'll get my shoes on sale. I won't be a burden to Jesse. He has done so much for me, after all. I refuse to ask for things I can do myself.

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May 21

I had not had dreams like this in a long time. No, they are not dreams. They are nightmares. It was about a tornado. It was terrifying. I was lurched from the bed, the skies so eerie and dark green. I screamed for Jesse. I couldn't find him.

The glass was breaking. The windows were shattering. I tried to look for him, but something stopped me. I felt the crush of something hard against my head.

I woke up screaming.

Jesse wasn't home.

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May 25

I had another nightmare. It was exactly the same. Only this time, there was blood. There was a lot of blood. And I still couldn't find Jesse. I got so far into the living room and I couldn't find him. My body was so sore. Everything was so painful. It felt like glass was digging into my flesh. The winds in the apartment were phenomenal.

I cried out. I was screaming his name. Jesse didn't answer me.

I jerked awake this time.

He wasn't home again.

I'm so thankful he wasn't a witness to my tears this time.

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May 28

I decided to go down into the sewers after work. I was attacked after getting turned around. The foe shot up my face and my leg before I could get away. The only good thing about tonight was that I finally met the man that Jesse speaks so highly of. Micah certainly was very informative. I appreciated the way he helped me out of the sewers and aided me in figuring out that Zombies were going to be my sparring partners for a while.

Jesse came and helped me home.

This new life is exhausting.

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June 6, 2014

Instead of going out to hunt Zombies, I find Jesse's place of work. I take a tour of the building myself as he finishes with a customer. I look through some displayed art and I can instantly tell which has his touch and what doesn't. Once the customer leaves, I go to him. I wrap myself up in his touch and in his kiss. I miss him.

I feel that now we are on the same schedule, we don't get to see too much of each other. This is probably because I don't get to watch him sleep as much. It is silly of me to want to spend time with him, but the connection that is a squeezing wire around my heart loosens when I am by his side. Or in front of him and on his lap.

Masterpiece Tattoo is quiet. We talk about his nickname for me. We talk about our mothers. I don't know what I feel inside. Since being turned, all my emotions don't have a definitive edge anymore. I used to be able to decipher happy and sad. Now, everything just blurs together.

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June 7

Once I put my time in at Auto Doc for the evening, I punch out and go into the sewers. Little by little, I am gaining strength. I take my St. James Broadsword with me and my Sniper Rifle. I take my collection bag with me now, just in case. My work boots are stained, and I don't bother trying to get another pair right now. By the time I need to go into work, the muck from the sewers and the blood from the Zombie's have dried.

One of my coworkers scrunched her nose at my appearance. I told her the boots were second hand. She shouldn't care anyways. Now that I'm on the night shift, the front of the store isn't open much past 10 at night. I count the registers, balance the totals for the day, leave a deposit in the safe, and get to work on the cars left over in the bay.

I know I am getting tired. The Zombies are almost moving faster than I am. I need to wear myself out. There is too much on my mind. From Jesse, to my new family of Fforde and Andras, to these emotions that just seem to well up inside of me. I slice into the Zombie's head, crushing its scalp and I get bled on in the process. All I want to do is be at home, reading my romance novels in the tub and finding knick knacks for the apartment Jesse and I share in Veil Tower.

I barely leave myself with enough energy to Tome to Larch Court. I thought by being stronger I could attack and kill a Feral. I was wrong. One leg is broke and both my arms are crunched. I lost consciousness in front of the bathroom. I'm glad Jesse was out and doing his own thing. He had mentioned something about a raid in an earlier text. I come to and manage a shower before crawling into bed.

Arm bones must heal faster than leg bones for me.

I'll remember this in the future.