All I ever wanted is all I never knew existed. (Journal)

[Bailey (DELETED 2156)]

6/15/12

Like so many things I didn't do or experience or do as a human, I have decided to start a journal, and now... I'm gonna use this to assess the things that have happened to me since I have been turned into a vampire. Better late than never, right?

To start with, when I came here, the last thing I wanted to do was stay. It was a simple job... get in, find a perch, and blow off the top of the skull of the idiot business man.... then get paid and get out. Just another notch on the old belt buckle and another body in the large pile I had already killed before him. I remember finding the perfect ledge... the perfect spot from which to aim my sniper rifle, and all I had to do was wait for him to emerge from his apartment building, and then as I sat on the roof top, I noticed how brilliant the sun was that morning. Little did I know, that would be my last sunrise. After that, I only remember waking up in an abandoned apartment building and feeling starved.

Then my new life began... I had to learn the ropes on my own.... learn to be a killer all over again because apparently, my skill had died along with my human life. But thats not all I had to learn... somehow, while I was human, the part of me that felt any emotion at all was shut off after I killed my father at such a young age, and so I guess I was a prime candidate to be an assassin. I didnt care who I killed... or if they had a family at home or if they even would be missed. I was good at what I did, great at covering my tracks, and even better at cashing the massive checks. Its disgusting to me now that I know better.... now that I know how many lives I tore apart simply for the love of the kill and the money in the bank. I suppose I could say I didnt know any better, and really I didnt, but after receiving the Passionate Grigori blood, I changed. And in Calix's arms... it all came back to me at once. All of the emotion, pain, and emptiness that I should have felt a long time ago, I was feeling in his embrace, and had he not been there to pull me from the depths, I would have awaited my fate in a final sunrise.

Speaking of Calix.... my best friend/lover turned boyfriend.... and now ex... losing him was a pain I had never been prepared for. One minute everything was fine... we were happy and in what I thought was love, and the next, he's pulling the rug directly out from under me and leaving me on my ***. And while I'm still bitter over the whole situation, I'm glad it happened. I hope he can find the happiness with the person he really loved when he was pretending to love me, that I have found in Perrin. Perrin loves me like Calix never could... completely and without a single reservation. True love.... something I never knew existed outside of those stupid chick flicks, and now.... now I am to be his wife. Wife... Am I even capable of being a good one? God I hope so... Perrin deserves much more than I am capable of giving, yet he loves me enough to let me try. We aren't telling anyone yet because the relationship is moving along very fast, but I guess sometimes you just know, and I just know that I never want to be without him. So yes.... I will marry him in a cliché chapel in Vegas. Just us two... then when we feel comfortable enough to share in the news and feel like we wont have to deal with catching any slack, we will have a party to celebrate.

Today, I went and bought a dress. Ick.... wedding dresses... but I made a deal with Perrin that I would wear one for him if he promised me a quiet wedding with just us two, and he agreed, so I have to hold up my end of the bargain. The dress is cute enough, and I can even wear some cowboy boots with it. Best of both worlds, I suppose. I dont care what I wear as long as the end result is me being his wife. Theres just something spectacular about feeling this way.... anxious, excited, and so completely in love with someone that you cant even imagine a life without them. So in a way, I feel gratitude to Amara for this life she gave me regardless of the means or how I feel about her line. These new emotions make my head spin, for certain, but also make me feel more alive than I ever have.

Ok.... I suppose I've gushed enough. I'm starting to get all sappy. Til next time, journal.

Bailey Grigori