Bloody Rabbit: Has Gun. Will Travel.

[River Illia]

Day 1.

New book. So gotta start out with new days yanno. Anyways.

Somehow I got another kid. Im startin ta realize the more shadow powers I get, the more the damn things are pushin me the **** around. But then, a lot is doin that. Anyways Cait is great. A bit odd, but yanno I'm a bit odd.

Silence. I had forgotten how soothin it can be. Surroundin ya. Lettin a body think without useless jibber jabber. I found a way ta get some. Locked myself out of the family home and took a break from everywhere, even phoe and E. Love em, but ya can only figure out things on ya own yanno?

All this time I've been so busy reactin, I haven't thought. Just react react react and then try ta process. So I did that. Realized I like the peaceful life. No arguin, no bickerin, no useless crap to cloud the days. Thats not ta say thats all G was for me. But what little fondness I have is reserved for those who haven't just turned there backs.

So I was an idiot book. I get that. So wrapped up in pleasin others I forgot pappy's sayin. "Can't please everyone all the time and tryin to only makes you an idiot"

I tried ta please Habs and Mirc by bein different then who I was. Ain't they're fault, just my own. Can I blame em then that my limit on bull fizzled out? Na. I can blame for twistin the knife in but most the stuff leadin up is my own fault for tryin ta get involved.

I'm tired book and thats the honest truth. Pleasin others and then becomin the hated so fast, left tracks on my ***. I know E and Phoe and Deathy tried ta help. But it was my own fault for keepin gettin involved. Like this war stuff with DC. Goodness knows that witch Elizabeth deserves it and Etienne ain't no angel. But this crap that its ok ta continue it past death when any of them would ***** ta high heavens..struck me the wrong way. Hell the whole thing left a soured taste. I helped cause E and Phoe asked, but even that bit of help required me ta give up pieces of me because I had ta sit there and ignore that everybody was playin nice simply cause they got to kill ****. It wasn't like **** got solved from this latest grigori blow up. But when ya have targets, settin aside real issues just to kill kill kill seems ta be the way to go.

I won't regret it though. DC Idiots needed ta be taught respect. And E is lovely. so there.


Yeah I know book. I ain't writin about my convo with E. Because it struck a cord. But I guess I should. I was rantin ta her stupidly I guess that Mirc and the others claimin Deathy when they ignore his *** all the fuckin time was annoyin the hell out of me. Specially when its been made clear by Habs how angry her and Mircea are at us. Or well mostly me but I guess he was included in that. E then asked if I had talked ta sir..Mircea about it and I told her why would I? I mean. I left him a note with my key about knowin he was angry and leavin ta give him and Habs space..so its not like I would sit around for an in depth discussion on how Habs screamed at me about all this. And E rightly said then how would I know he was really angry.

It's a good point book. But I figured that if he wasn't mad he would have replied ta my note yanno? And plus. It's not like Habs has ever been wrong on how hes felt before. And I just know if I had gone ta him on all of what she said, I would have looked like the idiot who was probably tryin ta get between them. Like I told E. Its not my place to dissect when Hab's isn't or is talkin for him. And hab's while I might be upset with her, ain't one ta lie. Get emotionally twisted with ****..sure. But lie? I ain't see it yet.

All in all. In think the goose has been plucked bloody this time. Ain't no more room for Discussion yanno? And G will be fine without me. Now they can all go ta flames and have one less scapegoat.

None of this changes the love..well abet angry love I have for Habren or the others. But I guess its time I forged my own path. I can't say what I will do for sure...but I sure as hell know Ill do fine on my own.

[River Illia]

Day 1.5

Oh..and the shadows finally stopped changin me. Bastards. Guess I gotta accept that. Freak of nature and all.

Fuckin shadows.

R.

[River Illia]

Day 20 somethin,

I know book. I haven't been writin often. Just to much ta keep up with. I don't even know where ta start. I guess I should start with I lost two kiddos. One ta the shadow realm and one ta the city wilds. I try not ta think about it because I get ta angry to even breath.

Well not breathin... but yanno. Got left more messages by yaknow who. Cause evidently she decided Im not allowed ta defend phoe in public without her permission. Considerin she all but told me ta **** off, ya'd think she realize that her orderin me aroun like I'm her ***** wouldn't work.

Family wise. Well pariah ain't killin cops no more, but caroline, kill and a few others were on and off gettin their bounty up. Its just frustratin but I realize that some of the stuff they can't help. Though I think Kill is angry at me for killin him but lettin caro bebe off. Like I told him caro is cajun boys bebe and he wants ta handle it differently.

Well what else..I guess I haven't talked about how love is bitin all my kids and family. Got E in love with a certain someone and the guy is bein an idjit. Got caro and kill in love but quarrelin right now. And deathy. Well Ive seen him off and on but hes been busy with his studies. Though I miss him.

Got lots of new family in vel now from pi's side. OHO and I adopted a new kiddo. Sinful. Poor thang. She got dirtched by her sire, then made homeless with some perv lookin at her when she woke up. Found her sittin in a park lookin all feisty and alone so ..I just kind of had ta help her. So I adopted her. She was a bit feisty with the fam at first, but shes gotten better once she figured out Id never let her get kicked out or abused.

My shadows have calmed down a bit..though the wraith is still missin. Heard from the evil telepath lady and some guy named vaughn he'd been there but not sure where he is now.

Guess thats enough for now..

-R.

[River Illia]

Day 30 somethin,

Seems like one thang calms down and more blows up. So here I am actin like a whipped puppy and lickin my wounds because nobody tells me anythang.

I don't want ta go into it book, but I will say that the last few months have not been the easiest. Deathy's been gone a lot due ta studys, which I try ta understand...but I just miss havin him around ta talk to. With Phoe mad at me..or at least not talkin ta me and E away cause of the heartbreak allyway stuff goin on..it just takes gettin use ta.

The kids are over a lot though, I usually see vincie, cajun boy, addy and caro quite a bit. Been in the catacombs workin on shadow powers still and passed by Athan ta. Hes a quiet one but Im glad hes back.

I admit ta bein a loner lately, but I can't help it. O seems to get me that way, her bein a loner ta. We talked a bit since I realized I'd only really talked ta her twice in the grig place. Shes nice, not as standoffish as I thought she was. Anyways, doin the loner thang. Its easier ta do that then ta get over emotional like everybody else and spout off all my feelins. Like I told E, Im not used ta talkin ta lots of people. And I suck at it. Sure I tried ta talk a lot in grig and help people..cause ...the sire asked me to. And look where that got me?

On that front. Well thangs have definitely calmed down. The sire finally took her ravin antics and hasn't bothered me with em. Though I was pissed ta hear she was tryin ta snag my kids ta help her in some conflict. Why is it they barely bothered with me or the kiddos before..but with us mostly keepin ta ourselves, they think it gives em free rein ta expect help. Its hilarious.

As time has finally stopped speedin and Ive thought about things. Im convinced I did the right thing. In fact should have done it sooner. Its obvious now that I was played for the stupid lonely girl I was actin like and let myself get drawn into crap I shoulda stayed out of.

But Im learnin. Slowly book. good thang im all immortal now right? gives me lots of time ta think about things that matter and not be rushin so much.

R.

[River Illia]

Day Whatever.

Whelp haven't written in a while book. **** happens and I guess I've just not taken it all in very well.

Where do I start? been with deathy for a while..but hardly see him for weeks at a time. Hes always out studyin and Im always bein the loner self. I miss him but I can't make myself that pathetic ta beg him ta come back more often. I can't help it..just seems like I try ta put myself out there and I end up causin more probs. Kiddos are mostly quiet ...well except enver..but he's a whole nother paragraph.

Phoe..it even hurts ta write this down. We used ta be so close and now ...we're all distant and ****. I guess we're both ta blame..but still feels like all my fault. I guess she got mad at me about ****..though Im still really not sure ta this day about what..and now we hardly speak. I keep tryin ta pick up the phone and call her..but well I start feelin like Ill break **** worse then its already broke.

Echo..well I love that girl. But I worry about her. Seems like if shes not gettin her heart broken, shes feelin useless and skedaddles off somewhere. I know I kind of pushed her with enver..but yanno I wanted them happy. Seems like that wasn't ever a good idea but then I ain't never claimed ta be the queen of relationship stuff. I just wish I could do more instead of feelin useless on the side.

Enver. Oi vey. That one is a handful let me tell ya book. If he ain't chasin ideas like fireworks he's makin cults. Yes I said it..cults. Hes got some notion that this Eski guy is automatically write and the rest of us who are takin it with a grain of salt are just in on the conspiracy. Maybe I should have detoxed him before I sired him..but yanno it happened all so quickly. Anyways...between that and his ..whatever ya call it marriage with lelantos. That girls a good fighter but some of the shennangans as of late haven't impressed me. I mean killin herself off cause of ever?? I mean..I love the boy..but thats just plain stupidity. And now..they got married without even waitin for me ta be there. Kinda hurt my feelins but it confuses me..cause Ive been seen enver a lot lately..and hes not actin verra happy. I mean...I don't get that marriage ****...but yanno all those stupid magazines they made me read in the hellholes all said ya supposed ta be happy.


...Athan. Tryin not ta cry as I write this. He was the lost soul of vel. Yanno one of the quiet ones who sinks his hooks in deep and doesn't even realize it. Well..he became a neucrat thing..and then got himself killed by E. I just...****. I hate this. I wish I could have done somethin ta help..but to late I guess. Im gonna try ta find a way ta bring him back though. Hell if all those assholes can come back ta life after death..then why not him. He deserves it more then most this city. And Im so pissed that some chickie tried ta start a fight about his death on the crownet. I almost lost it and went ta attack her. But I held firmly ta my belief that ya don't hurt family and just verbal smacked people.

I gotta say book..Im so sick and tired of this city turnin peeps inta rabid dogs that attack over any little meat. Makes me want ta kill the lot of em and board up the compound.

So what else..well I completely severed ties with Habs and Mircea. ..guess yanno that from previous entries. But I pretty much completed that by attackin her after her flippin out like a psycho on phoe. Since then I haven't been bugged by her. Guess thats bad and means I suck as a child thang. But..yanno. Ya can't just let people flip out on ya and ya family all the time. I mean I could take her crap..but everybody else? Still think the witch poisoned her that time she killed her. Its the only explaination. Oh OH ..even funnier witch number 2 (leiren yanno) ended up bein seperated from them and attacked ta. Guess her potions stopped workin on mircea and them finally. I found that **** funny.

Not much else I guess since I bled it all out. Gotta say I love my grandbebes...and well thats it.

R.

[River Illia]

Date: Whenever.

Ok book, time ta rant. Cause seems Ive been holdin in **** for to long. Didn't even realize it till I went off on E last night.


I guess I am angry. For shitloads of reasons. First Phoe. I love that girl and always will. The fact that anybody would think I slept with Malipie because I gave him an odious task ta do burns my ***. Even if I didn't think of him as a bro...I would never do that ta her.

Second: WHY THE **** DOES IT MATTER. **** ya think nobody in this place has anything better ta do then ***** and moan and gossip. Seriously? Who the **** cares whose sleepin with who. Why is it anybody's business but the people its between.

Ya I suspect E and Mal are together..but so fuckin what. It's not like he cheated on Phoe..not that I know anyways. And it had nothin ta do with me givin him key rights.

The rest of my anger? Ya as much as I know Im at fault for leavin and bein gone. Nobody's bothered ta ask me why. Nobody's cared. Well Deathy did but hes supposed ta yanno? Everybody else just assumed it was stupid stuff or something. Nobody really knows about the 3 or 4 kids I sired when I went through the bloodlust thanks ta those shadows. Nobody knows about the fact that it wasn't just one conversation I was havin with people who weren't there.

Yanno for my all years of bein a ward of the state..they never managed ta make me think I was crazy. But a few months here had me questionin where I should just stuff myself into the SR and stay there. But nobody knows that..cause nobody bothered ta ask. All they can see is its my fault I wasn't around when **** went down.

I know the kiddos care..but ya can't confide stuff like this ta them yanno? I wish ta **** I hadn't had these shadows..but it happened and I made it go away. Obviously not soon enough. Yanno I didn't want ta be any kind of leader and now all these faces are starin at me along with E and co ta be the leader and Id rather just be left alone.

Plus vel isn't about leaders and ****. All the other bloodlines can have that crap. We're about hanging out with each other and chillaxing. Ta bad everybody's got their panties in a twist.

Some days book. It ain't worth it.

R.