Excerpts

[Kainai dArtois]

Tonight I killed a wolf with my bare hands.

I found myself in a dense forest of maple and alder. And one walnut tree, its branches carry me as I write this. I do not have the energy to come down but I am very hungry. I even tried some nuts that had fallen to the ground but they made me sick. Grandpa's shotgun is missing. I don't remember what happened last night and the pages are blank so neither does this diary. It was not the first time I had woken up with a face full of decaying flora and the song of the thrush in my ears. But something felt different. It is hard to explain on paper.

But yes, about the wolf. He was not like any wolf I have met in the forests while hunting. He looked average but I believe he may have been starved or sick. The reason I believe this is because the moment he saw me standing up from my loamy bed he charged at me instead of running away. I had nothing to fight him with and was afraid for my life but I managed to kick him so hard that he slammed into an old maple tree and the wind was knocked out of him. I do not know what came over me but instead of taking shelter like I normally would have I took advantage of his state and snapped his neck.

When the adrenaline started to leave my body I realized that the wolf had cut me pretty impressively on the leg and my jeans were torn. It stung badly and I had to lay down. A rabbit happened by and I don't know what came over me but I grabbed it and bit into it like mom's fried chicken. By the time I finished drinking its blood my head cleared and I noticed that the sting from the cut was gone. When I looked at my leg the tear was still in my jeans but the wound was gone. Now I am in this walnut tree and craving more rabbits.

I can't go home without grandpa's shotgun. My phone has mysteriously vanished. And I do not recognize this area. Tomorrow I will try to get my bearings and look for grandpa's shotgun. For now I have to rest in this tree.

[Kainai dArtois]

This is no ordinary forest.

I have amassed a collection of rabbit feet. No matter how many I drink from my hunger is a visitor that has overstayed its welcome. I made a campfire to roast one, but just as the walnuts from last night made me sick so did the rabbit meat. Worse, a bear was attracted by the smell and I had to climb this walnut tree as fast as I could. All of the scrapes from the adventure healed as soon as I drank from another rabbit. I want to go home but nothing pleases me more than the energy rush I get from drinking rabbit blood. Whenever I see one I can't resist jumping down from the tree and nursing away its blood.

It is nighttime again. The last time I fell asleep I woke up not at dawn but at dusk with the insects I shared my tree-cradle with humming soothingly. I do not usually sleep for twelve hours straight and felt frustrated, but instead of calculating a plan like I normally would I hunted rabbits. So many rabbit feet in my wolfskin sack. I cut them off with my teeth because they are sharp as obsidian. After I ate my head was clear with the occasional throb of hunger and I accepted the fact that I have changed. I do not know what happened the other night. I usually remember everything that happens so I can record it here. Whatever changed me must have made me very frightened.

When I think back to that night and read the diary entry before the blank entry I see my grandfather giving me his shotgun for Christmas. He told me that he was sure to die soon but he always says that to get his way. My brothers were jealous and demanded to shoot the gun. I told them that it wasn't a toy and slipped off with my gear to the forest. It was just outside of mom and dad's pastureland. I wanted to see if I could shoot a fox. It was icy as death that night. I see someone very tall occasionally in a brief flash if I concentrate, but if a memory is forced what authenticity does it have? The more I puzzle over what happened the hungrier I get. I have almost thirty rabbit feet in my wolfskin sack.

When the hunger is sated I will move on. I wonder how many rabbits it will take. I will explore this forest for grandfather's shotgun and hunt more rabbits now. At least I have swifter feet and sharper teeth to get what I need.

[Kainai dArtois]

I am pleasantly surprised at how much kindness has been shown to me by my fellow vampires.

A wise and kind woman named Habren helped me find my way out of the hunting grounds. Apparently the enchanted forest is a hunting ground for vampires. My new home is at her house in Harper Rock, a town with a dense population of people who have contracted vampirism. I have met some others: Mircea, who gave me money to purchase a new weapon, Phoenix, who has shown an interest in tribal crafts, and Jonah, who reminds me of my younger brother. The whole "family" had gathered that night. There was a vampire named Kole at the house as well, and Ellis and Pi. I hope that I have not forgotten anyone, my mind has been muddled ever since I was changed.

Habren is my sire's sire. Once I arrived at her home I learned little more than that about my sire. I wonder if he took grandfather's shotgun or if it is rusting somewhere in the forests of Canada. I would feel guilty for not keeping better track of it, but I do not even remember the circumstances on which we parted. I can only speculate about what happened that night. Did I consent to being changed? Did he harm me in any way? Why did he leave me? What kind of person is he and what was his motivation for making me? I have puzzled all night over these questions while I sit on an old-fashioned recliner that I have taken a liking to because of its reassuring sag, the sag of a chair that people have trusted in for support for perhaps a hundred years.

Mircea told me about Pi, who is in a way my sister, having called Reverend "our papa". She has an elegant French accent. She told me that we will find Reverend together. He must answer for this. I do not hate him, nor do I hate my new life as a vampire. I only seek answers. One night I intend to ask Pi about the night she was changed, and if she remembers. It seems that not remembering how you were changed is an anomaly in the vampire community. It is this realization that troubles me, I am afraid that I may have been harmed or traumatized somehow. When I think about it I feel emotionally detached. I need to put my journal down and go for a walk outside. Perhaps practice firing my new pistol in the dark.

[Kainai dArtois]

Tonight I killed a bear. She was a large brown bear and old by the look of her teeth and gums. Her claws are easily the size of my face. I have decided to make a necklace out of them and leave them at the farm for my brothers to find. I hope that my family will take it as a sign that I am alive and well. My heart aches to think that grandfather might blame my disappearance on himself. I have amassed quite an impressive collection of furs, which I have spent hours cleaning. The bear pelt will be a rug for my bedroom and nothing would make me happier than to have a wolfskin blanket to keep on my bed, more for comfort and familiarity than warmth.

I feel guilty sometimes for killing so many animals, but the alternative is unacceptable. I could never take a human life. Just because I am a vampire now does not mean that I am a murderer of people. Mircea has been giving me strange looks when he sees me fashioning my wolf pelts, perhaps I should speak to him about it. I do not wish to offend the people who have taken me into their house so hospitably. I do not yet feel like one of them. They are very inclusive and do not leave me out of any conversation or activity, so I know that this is my own fault. Mother always said that I was as easy to get to know as a porcupine.

My bedroom is beginning to show some individuality. I have had a lot of time on my hands to practice arts and crafts. I did not used to spend all my time tanning hides and designing things from them. My busy hands keep my mind from mourning the loss of my family. At times I do give pause and remind myself: they are all still alive and well. They will be fine without me. This is hard to believe even if I know it is true.

[Kainai dArtois]

It seems that there are different powers that a vampire can acquire here depending upon their path. Because I am a Mystic, I can blind enemies or lull them into a dreamlike state if I so choose. I first discovered this magic when I was alone in the hunting grounds. My eyes had grown accustomed to the moonlit darkness and the forest floor was dappled with shadow from the leaves overhead. Maple and willow hid me from sight and I managed to shoot a bear before he saw or smelled me. I do not like to brag, but my skills with the gun are growing every night. While skinning the bear's corpse I foolishly stepped on a twig. A mountain lion charged at me before I could reach for my gun, which I had set down in order to skin the bear with my hunting knife.

My new instincts were aroused and I grew semi-aware of what was happening. All I remember is roaring at the mountain lion. Something came out of my mouth like dust and swarmed into the mountain lion's eyes. The creature was blinded and I was able to regain my senses and reclaim my pistol. Needless to say after that I went straight home. I have accepted that I am a vampire, but I did not think we had magic. I wonder what kind of magic my sire has. I will ask Habren, or Ciro, a vampire from the Docere family who taught me last night about necromancy.

That is another thing I feel I should write about. I sniffed him out on the street last night after making quite a large amount of money off of my furs, teeth and claws. The vampire in me smelled the vampire in him, and I wandered after the smell even though it was beginning to snow. Ciro stood in an alley ready to execute a human who had ruined his scarf and bullied him. I do not know why I walked with him afterward. Normally someone with such unfathomable anger issues would cause me to run and call the police. I am beginning to suspect that as a vampire my subconscious tendency toward inquisitiveness and bravery has matured or come out into the open. I knew deep down that he could not kill me. I am an immortal now.

He took me to the city morgue where he had been hiding. We talked about the magic I had discovered previously and he explained paths and his necromancy. I was unable to lull him into a trance, but he was able to start my heart beating. I wanted to visit my family, but he stopped me. I was angry with him and drew my pistol, but I knew that he was right. I can never see my family again and there is no need to take that frustration out on other vampires. We ate at Cyrano's Italian Bistro. The food was so delicious and expensive that I nearly cried. Ciro insisted on paying for my meal.

I feel stupid for what happened next. When I got home he kissed me. I liked it, and I wanted to stay with him, but perhaps the same part of me which snarled at mountain lions without fear caused me to take my leave. I wish that mother was here to tell me what to do. She would know exactly what was going on. I am incompetent when it comes to men. Tonight I will try to see him again. My mind becomes muddled in his presence and I am unable to think with clarity. Sometimes I wonder why I want to see him again if this is the case, but I like him and I know that he has much to teach me. He is a month old vampire.

[Kainai dArtois]

I had the blood dream again. Even though a part of me knew deep down that I did not need to breathe anymore, I was choking. I could taste blood and felt a crushing pressure on my chest. My head began to spin and an unintelligible whisper grew louder and closer in my ears. It felt as if someone was behind me breathing directly into my ear and I could not move until the terror grew to such intensity that my muscles all jerked at once. As I write this I still ache from being unable to breathe despite the fact that my body does not require breathing. I have to admit that I am frustrated. This is the sixth time I have had this dream since Christmas eve.

I want to ask my sire what happened. I met him in person at a club a few nights ago. He seemed like a nice person. Could he really have traumatized me or did something else happen the night of my turning? When I close my eyes and think about it, no epiphany comes. Only a darkness which is not soothing considering the circumstances under which I write this.

I do have happy news. William and I are officially together. Two weeks as a vampire and I already have a boyfriend. My mother would chide me for taking things to fast. We have kissed and held hands. I feel like a teenager again when I am with him. I suppose that my first vampire sweetheart should feel similar to my first human sweetheart back in high school on the reservation. William is kind, handsome and cunning. He is a good hunter and has a fine sense of humor. When I told him that I would teach him the Buffalo Dance someday, he replied "And I will teach you the Blanket Dance."

I wonder when that will happen. I am glad that he likes me so much.

[Kainai dArtois]

Last night William and I visited the zoo. It was void of human souls, just animals. It smelled faintly of manure. When we visited the elephant exhibit William decided that he wanted to fight an elephant. It was amazing how long his claws grew and how high he can jump. Killers have amazing abilities. The elephant bull was too much for him and gored him, puncturing his lung. Fortunately he is a vampire or else he would surely be dead. We managed to escape when I blinded the beast and tricked him into attacking his mate. Now William is staying in my room recovering. He did not feed when I offered him a human because of how I feel about feeding from humans. It was thoughtful of him. Though he is the one who was injured! He should be able to eat whatever he wants.

[Kainai dArtois]

Occasionally I visit my sire at the club which he frequents. He never says much to me, but it lifts my spirits to see him doing so well, just as it lifts my spirits when William hunts with me, or when I see Pi, Jonah or Pariah up and about. I worry about all of them. Counsel is dead and I was only able to speak to him once. Was he not strong enough to handle the change? After Grey died, Jonah said that some vampires are not strong enough to survive the change, or to come back from the shadow realm. Who is next? Not my William, I know that for certain. William is courageous and strong. I thought that Grey was also strong. Maybe there is more to vampires vanishing than that.

I digress. I have to admit what I did. This is why I should never show off. The thrill of being able to teleport clouded my judgement. When I found Reverend Luciferum at the Metronome, I only meant to teleport him across the room. Instead I teleported him outside and now he is unresponsive. Suppose something went wrong? Suppose some of his internal organs, his brain even, got teleported somewhere, and his body somewhere else? What have I done? He made me what I am, but I do not hate him. I never meant to throw him out in the sun. What will Pi think?

[Kainai dArtois]

I find myself awakening from a deep sleep. I feel very refreshed and even cleansed, and I look forward to seeing my William again. This evening I noticed that I now have the ability to think of someone and I know suddenly where they are. I cannot tell the precise location, but I assume that my abilities will grow more powerful as time drags on. My game of practicing finding my sire and my William has proven to be productive after all. Before, I was concerned about wasting time.

Now that I have this ability, I will go to Habren for advice. Perhaps she will be able to provide tips about tracking so that I can grow faster than before. The magic I have been able to tap into in just a few months is incredible, and the possibilities feel endless. I am empowered.

There is something else that I feel unsure about. A man approached me in secret and offered me some money for a little vial of blood. I am saving up for a building, so I gave him the blood, but afterward I thought more about it and I can't help but wonder if perhaps I made the wrong decision. I did not even ask what the blood would be used for, and I do not know if the dealer was human or vampire, or something entirely different altogether.

[Kainai dArtois]

My trusty journal, I feel that I owe you an explanation for my leave of absence. Much has happened in the past half year that I will touch on as well.

As it turns out, Ellis had never quite forgiven me for what happened with Ciro. Though it was he who initiated the kiss between us on the night we met, and though I ran away in embarrassment and fear, Ellis chose to blame me. Women can be so cruel. I had no idea that Ellis was in a relationship with Ciro at the time, but rather than blame Ciro she chose to nurture a deep hatred toward me. This hatred seemed to spread to Mircea, who also grew distant, though Habren was and has always remained kind to me. I have an infinite amount of respect for her maturity. I began to feel unwelcome at home, especially after I began to date William Kelly.

Seeing me so happy with my mate caused Ellis great discomfort and she scornfully announced that everyone thought our relationship would never last even though I wore his engagement ring. She claimed that even Mircea himself, our patriarch, believed this. I was able to shrug off her taunting words, but William Kelly was not. Like Echo's deceased mate Grey, William Kelly faded into the shadows and never returned. In hindsight, my family was right after all. I only wish that Ellis had not been so tactless and cruel, because this behavior combined with losing my fiance caused me to distance myself from them and I began to spend more time in the hunting grounds as a result.

I still care for my family, but I am too ashamed to be active in the line again, and their petty quarrels have always seemed extremely mundane and childish. There is a whole town around us and the only thing they seem to enjoy doing is making perverted jokes at one another's expense, mating and boasting. For the most part, I am bored with the Grigori. If only someone else had sired me and not Reverend Luciferum, who left me and my sister to learn on our own how cruel this place can be.

The last six months have not all been bad, however. I met my current mate and proud fiance Allistair, who dresses in a Rogue Predator costume. That is to say, I have always known him, and met him long ago, but in our stupors we both realized that we were attracted to one another but neither thought the other felt the same way, so the conversation was not breached until romantic tension reached the boiling point. I am very confident that he will be around for a long time, as he is extremely strong and capable. He excels at hand to hand combat and taxidermy, and he pleases me in every way.

Enough about romance and drama. I have come to possess many incredible powers, and grow stronger every day. To what end do I grow stronger? For now I think it is so that I can one day slay a fae beast. But then what? I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

I can lure a human to my location by using mental powers to arouse their obedience. This is the power I use the most, because I rarely leave the catacombs if I am well fed and can keep training as hard as I can.

I can conceal myself in a similar telepathic manner in the presence of many humans, so that I can feed in front of them and nobody notices.

I can restore magical essence and heal non critical wounds.

My favorite abilities are my tracking capabilities, which help me sense when someone I am looking for is in the same room as I am, helps me to locate roughly someone's location, and to go into a trance and mentally see where a person is standing.

I can read peoples' memories and appraise their status in fighting and vocational skills. I can speak into peoples' minds telepathically, and even tell what wraith belongs to who. I can get a good deal at the market, and there are things I haven't discovered that I know I can do if I train more.

This is why I have not written in this journal for some time, because I have been so busy training and only come out when Allistair tells me I am in need of a bath.