Backdated to Shortly after this thread.
A Z R A E T H
Flynn had not been too keen on staying in the hospital for very long, which made sense, not only because hospitals themselves were creepy as ****, but also because the Paladin healed abnormally quickly, which was not the sort of trait one wanted people in the science community to pick up on. Of course, even before the Paladin’s release, Az had been effectively glued to him as much as possible without doing any extra harm by his need to be clinging. But after they had returned to their little cabin just outside of Harper Rock, the vampire had been as vigilant as a hawk. A hawk who went to great lengths to make sure that its partner was well taken care of. When Flynn was allowed out of bed, he was wrapped in blankets, draped over pillows, and fed the best things Azraeth could manage. There had been one point when the vampire had attempted to quite literally feed him, but that had not gone to plan. Which was to say the Paladin had given him a very stern look and refused to open his mouth. Which had created a bit of a mess, because the Mystic had been just a smidge forceful, resulting in homemade mashed potatoes and gravy ending up all over the human’s chin.
Strangely, Flynn had not minded Az cleaning that up. Fast forward a few weeks, and the vampire was finally beginning to relent on his death grip. This was, in part, because Azraeth couldn’t rightly deny the fact that his lover was essentially glowing with health. Thus, the two of them had properly gone out for the first time in ages. Originally Az had wanted to see A Wrinkle in Time, but reviews had turned him off to the idea. Instead, they’d gone to see the wildly hyped Black Panther, which mostly lived up to the acclaim in the vampire’s book. They were just getting back home, and as was his usual manner after making it through the front door, Az began to pull his clothing off (he could pick it up later). He clearly had something on his mind, though he hadn’t brought it up just yet.
F L Y N N
Getting out of the house had never felt so good. It wasn’t unusual for Flynn to act like a reclusive shut-in even on his healthiest days, but he had the option to leave when he felt like it. In the last few weeks, that was hardly the case. He had left the hospital only after a lengthy argument with the attending physician, who had gone out of his way to convince the Paladin that it was recommended he stay for continued observation should he take a turn for the worse. He, of course, had none of it and signed the paperwork to be discharged into Azraeth’s care. A job that the vampire took almost too seriously, but Flynn had never opposed his partner’s wishes. He knew that it came out of a place of love, and that the hovering was just concern. So, he took it in stride and did his best to assure the other man that he was okay, that he was getting better. It felt a little like a role reversal, in that this time it was Az’s turn to care for him, much like he had when the vampire had not only one, but three gunshot wounds to the head. A little different, maybe, but similar enough.
Needless to say, the idea of getting out of the house to see a movie was one he had grasped in a vice grip. It was like the fresh air alone was enough to clear away the creeping restlessness. And it wasn’t a bad movie, he enjoyed it well enough. But, that enjoyment was tinged with a little apprehension, and he couldn’t exactly put his finger on why. Just that the vibe only really came from Azraeth. Like there was something that Flynn wasn’t picking up on that he should, but he didn’t ask. If that really was the case, then the vampire would tell him when he felt it was necessary to. Communication was something they had no shortage of, and that was enough for him. For now. “We should go and see that other movie you wanted to see some other night...reviews are just opinions, meaning you can disagree…” he mused aloud, trailing after his partner and grabbing the discarded clothes as they came off.
A Z R A E T H
There was an elephant in the room. Az knew it. Flynn knew it. And the vampire was not the sort of person who was good at keeping a lid on what he was thinking or feeling, when it came to his personal life. Sure. He could play his cards close to his chest when it came to people he didn’t know about. Or didn’t care about. But when it came to those he loved? He was very much the kind of person to wear his heart not only on his sleeve, but to hold it, still trembling, in his hand. He was a book so open that it had pop ups (which was totally a dick joke as far as Flynn was concerned). Which meant that the human totally picked up on the tension in much the way he was picking up the loose articles of clothing. It wasn’t until the vampire was dressed down to his undergarments that he paused. Though they had been out in the cold, Azraeth had basically been plastered against his Paladin, which meant he was still warm. Best to keep it that way. Which was why he went to put the fire together. It had been one of the features which had most drawn the vampire to the little house, because it made the space feel homey.
It wasn’t until the flames were reaching up from the logs, like claws reaching up from the pit, that Az went to flop on the couch. The crackle and roar sent a little thrill of energy right down his spine, and he tracked his partner’s progress. “Okay, so I have something I want to talk about.” He finally said. Because small talk was not the sort of thing he was great at when he had something on his mind. “Er. But you should come and sit with me before we get into it.” He decided. He wanted to add that, in a perfect world, Flynn would come to sit down and chat about it mostly naked, but he was attempting to be serious.
F L Y N N
The fact that the vampire didn’t respond to the comment in regards to the other movie told Flynn all he needed to know. Azraeth’s mind was somewhere else, turning gears on a matter that he had yet to bring up. That was just the way his partner worked, though, unusually quiet up until the point he was probed for more or he felt he had worked through it enough to actually voice it out loud. Like that somehow made them real. The Paladin kept quiet, going through the motions of gathering the clothing for the sake of taking them to the bedroom. While there, he lost a couple layers of clothing until all that really remained were his jeans and a t-shirt. The idea of getting into his pajama pants was a tempting thing, but he resisted the urge for the time being, should they happen to leave again. As he returned to the other room to see Az working to get a fire going, Flynn very nearly asked him to stop. Only teeth trapping his lips together kept the words from filling the silence between them, but his gaze never left the vampire.
Azraeth stepped away and sank into the couch, and the Paladin minimally relaxed. The other man’s voice captured Flynn’s attention, his eyes turning from the dancing flames. The tone of his voice, the almost hesitant nature of it, implied that this was a conversation the human doubted he would enjoy. “Okay…” he replied, slowly making his way to the couch, eyebrows furrowing together as he stared at his partner. “The fact I have to “sit down” for this one...kind of worries me.” Figuring that he might as well get comfortable for what was to come, he situated himself so that he was facing Az, an arm draped over the back of the couch. “What’s on your mind?”
A Z R A E T H
The moment Flynn dropped onto the couch, Az immediately crawled over to him, slinging one knee over a lap, only to drop himself there easily. The situation was not in the slightest uncommon, which went back to the whole ‘Azraeth is clingy’ thing. He enjoyed being close to his partner, and he made this known at every possible turn. Before launching into what was tangled in his brain, his hands slipped over his Paladin’s broad shoulders, gently kneading into them. He closed the distance between them seamlessly, and then there was one more very important matter to deal with. Their lips touched. It had all of the hallmarks of being a brief thing. At first, his mouth was just barely there, and it seemed like he was about to end it, but then thought better. So his lips lingered against the human’s. There was just a little of that soft suction, the stealing of breath. Then Az finally leaned back to rest his backside against the space between Flynn’s pelvis and knees.
“So.” He began cautiously. “When you were...attacked. There was a moment when I really wanted to do something. I wanted to turn you. I didn’t obviously, because it’s not something we’ve ever talked about. But I think…” he squirmed just a little bit where he sat as if he wasn’t sure exactly how he wanted to phrase what he was trying to say. His gaze had, for a moment, been locked on his lover’s and then it dropped in contemplation. His eyes only lifted once more, those reptilian things, so that he could suck in a breath, his cheeks inflating. “So I want you to be turned. I uh. I don’t know what I would do if I lost you, but there were some moments where I thought you were gone. Where I thought I had lost you, and those were the worst moments of my life. I’ve never wanted to stop existing before, but that happened. I need you to become a vampire so that I know you will be around forever.”
F L Y N N
As concerning as the request was that Flynn sit down for the conversation that his partner wanted to have, having the man in his lap was also immediately calming. Counterintuitive as it was, when considering what he was. That wasn’t anything new, though, as the vampire had always had that effect on him. Even in those early days where that reaction was involuntary in his presence, it was just as quickly pushed away by something as simple as a touch. Of course, it wasn’t calming enough to make him lose sight of that tension hanging in the air and the fact that this “start” to the conversation felt a little like stalling. An attempt to prolong that moment where Flynn was oblivious to the thoughts that Az had been stewing in for...who knew how long. Even so, his arms were around his partner the second he settled, their lips touching in the brief, yet undeniably intimate moment. As he pulled back, Flynn’s hold tightened, if only to keep him from getting too far.
And then he started to talk. In truth, they hadn’t really touched too deeply on the situation they had been in only weeks before. In a way, that was probably for both of their benefit, as it was traumatic for them both. Just in different ways. Apparently, it was the time to bring it up, again. Azraeth shifted uncomfortably in his lap, and then the words came out. The Paladin froze, his entire form doing rigid and his expression twisted into something almost akin to disgust, but not quite. It happened without thought or consideration. It was only there for a flash before Flynn schooled his expression into something as impassive as he could muster. The reaction had come from a place deep within, that damn near buried intuitive repulsion for all things undead, but it had still happened, and Az would have seen it. There was no taking that back, even if that wasn’t necessarily how he thought. “I’m sorry, I don’t think I heard you correctly…” he finally replied, staring at the man in his lap with wide eyes, like a cornered animal who was being forced to face its worst nightmare.
A Z R A E T H
There were hands on him, and in the moments when those fingers squeezed down, and he felt the weight of palms, he told himself that things were going to be fine. That he wasn’t asking something crazy or outlandish. He thought to himself that their relationship and their love was strong enough that it didn’t matter really if Flynn was human or vampire. And that, to an extent, was hubris. The fantasy that the perfect magic of their relationship could not be touched. Azraeth saw the shift in Flynn’s expression, and those thoughts, the ones that he had been playing over to assure himself, came to a screeching halt inside of his head. His brows lifted and it was difficult for him not to let the hurt show. It was that whole open book thing again. Az could filter his expressions when he really needed to, but he hadn’t been in that situation with Flynn before. He dragged his own lower lip between his front teeth and bit down firmly enough to hurt, but not hard enough to bleed. He knew the Paladin hadn’t meant it. He knew the human was fighting instinct.
But that too was a reason to turn was it not? Az needed to think, but he didn’t have the time for that. Not really. He’d started the conversation, and there was no way out of it except through the other end. “I want you to be a vampire.” He repeated. There was this tone Az affected when he was being serious and yet loving all at the same time. When he used it, his voice lacked any real sternness, and there was this...odd inflection that made it seem like he might crack a joke at any moment. He was not using that tone with Flynn. It was odd, because his voice itself had dropped a lot of the animation in general. There was emotion, but it had been carefully suppressed behind a wall of sorts. “If you stay as you are, what happens if another attack like that happens? Or what if you get on the wrong side of a vampire? I have the Fade. I can come back if I die, but you don’t have that option. I just…” He trailed off. He was having trouble focusing.
F L Y N N
He had hoped he wouldn’t see it. That Azraeth would manage to brush it off and ignore what was, no doubt, a bit like a slap to the face. Flynn’s reaction to the notion of being a vampire certainly wasn’t off to a good start, and he knew that, but it couldn’t be helped. There was an immediate desire to take it back, apologize for something that was so deeply rooted into his psyche that he couldn’t even be blamed it, but it never came. The most important person in his life, who happened to be a vampire, was staring at him and he couldn’t bring forth the words to ease the sting. That hold on the man was lost as the Paladin rose his hands to his face, rubbing at it in frustration as his thoughts seemed to knot and tangle together in one huge mess that he couldn’t seem to pick apart. All the things he could say were lost to an endless barrage of information, like pros and cons of a decision as big as the one posed to him. A decision he wasn’t sure he could make.
It was way too much to take in all at once, and the Paladin suddenly felt trapped beneath his partner. He was uncomfortably restless and he needed to move. In a swift move, he had removed Azraeth from his lap and stood, immediately pacing in the space of the room like a caged animal in need of a way out. And he was quiet for what felt like hours, but was only a matter of a few minutes, before he turned back to Az. He only stared at him, at first, and then sighed as he dropped to his knees in front of the couch, frowning. “Look, I can’t even imagine how hard those few days were for you. Not knowing what would happen. And I am so sorry that I put you through it, but…” he paused, eyes falling closed with a shake of his head. “I don’t think you actually understand what you’re asking of me.” Or maybe he did, but was that necessarily any better?
A Z R A E T H
Flynn was moving him. It wasn’t the first time that had happened, but normally, the Paladin just let Az do basically whatever he wanted. There was this ongoing joke that the Mystic was spoiled. And as much as the pair of them played it off like some sort of cute inside ‘thing’, it was true enough. And Az did not like being put down. Of course, he totally got the reason behind it. Flynn already had trouble with commitment. And Azraeth had basically said ‘Okay, so I want you to be with me for all eternity, plus a few years extra.’ Which was an extremely daunting perspective for anyone. Normally, the Mystic would have been a lot better at taking a more holistic approach to dealing with the problem. He was normally great at keeping in mind the things that bothered or spooked his partner. But he was in ‘bull in a china shop’ mode. It was probably because of all of the raw emotion he’d processed in those few short days. The idea of losing his mate made him anxious and upset, and angry, and scared all at once. So he wasn’t 100% rational.
He watched as Flynn paced. He watched as the man moved to kneel in front of him. Azraeth very nearly growled when his lover apologized to him. It wasn’t the Paladin’s fault that he’d been attacked. Az didn’t want to hear an apology. ‘Sorry’ was a wall, a barrier between someone making a mistake once and making a mistake a second time. Flynn had no power to control the universe or whatever the **** it decided to throw at them. Flynn couldn’t stop a volcano from erupting and raining down fire on them. He couldn’t stop a bunch of assholes from attacking him. And that was the point. The vampire’s features clouded briefly. “I know exactly what I’m asking of you.” He intoned. He did and he didn’t. He knew, at face value, but he failed to really understand the depth of what he was demanding, if only because he was viewing it through the lens of his own pain. “I don’t think I’m asking something terrible of you here. Do you even want to be with me forever?” He asked, peering into his partner’s eyes.
F L Y N N
It was like flipping a switch. The second the words fell out Azraeth’s mouth was the same instant that those familiar walls went up, that age-old pattern of blocking someone out when they struck that nerve. When those deeper vulnerabilities were jabbed at, as if to remind him that he hadn’t entirely worked through them to the point of ‘healing.’ In truth, if it had come from anyone else, it probably wouldn’t have bothered him. It was the fact that Az was the one saying it that hurt, because he knew better. “That’s not fair,” he finally whispered, staring at the vampire in front of him. Then he was his feet, backing up from the couch with fists clenched at his sides. “That’s not fair, and you sound so fu-...” he said, his voice rising into what could have almost passed for a yell, were he not carefully reigning it in. It took more willpower than Flynn thought he possessed, but he never finished that sentence. He had never sworn at Azraeth before, and he wasn’t about to start now. Frustrated, angry, whatever...it wasn’t happening.
Taking a single deep breath, he forced his hands to relax and his stance to do the same. Less defensive, even when he felt like shutting the conversation down right then before it progressed any further. “You aren’t just asking me to be with you forever. You’re asking me to give up...my life. My humanity.” At that point, he was forced to pause, because there was the saying “I’d die for you” and that wasn’t a false statement. He would die for Az, in a heartbeat. But, this wasn’t the same as that. “This is what I do. Every night I face the possibility of dying, because I’m human. Humans have expiration dates, even supernatural ones. And you knew that when we started this!” Now, it was just frustration. Trying to work through too much at once. “And your solution is for me to die.”
A Z R A E T H
So what exactly? He knew from the first syllable what Flynn had been about to say, but not the entire phrase. Az had to give his partner credit, the man could restrain himself when he needed to. But that had never been an issue with them. The Paladin was, at most times, rational and stable. He was a deep sunk anchor in a world full of chaos. For Az, there were very few of those. It was the Mystic who was everyone’s rock, their foundation. He was the one people came to when things went to ****. He was the one called upon to help oversee, and fix, and handle a myriad of problems. He did not begrudge this role because it meant that Azraeth got to show the people close to him how he felt about them. He got to soothe and love. And Flynn was that for Az, as well. Except they were fighting. That is what was happening wasn’t it? Heated discussion. Creative expression of frustration. Part of the problem was that the Mystic didn’t know how to handle what was going on in his head. He couldn’t just put aside his feelings to deal with the situation logically. He couldn’t fully embrace the emotions either, for fear of escalating things. He wanted to call a time out, and snuggle with his partner. Maybe catch a nap. Resume at a later date.
But that wasn’t how fights worked was it? He moved to stand, because he felt antsy sitting there. His arms folded behind his back. His hands didn’t know what to do. This was it. Flynn was pulling away from him. He had seen it. This was the moment when his boyfriend was going to leave him. I’m being selfish. He knew he was. The words hit him like a punch to the gut. He stepped closer to Flynn, and then his legs crumpled. His knees locked and hit the ground. He gripped the other man by his hips as if to help himself up, but he didn’t. “So what happens then? We spend time together until you die? We keep living this dangerous lifestyle where we bite off more and more until it finally kills you?” He asked. He was breathing heavily suddenly. His eyes were dry though his features were oddly red as if he’d just been crying. “Being with me is dangerous. I am the worst possible thing for your health, and I can’t stop myself from wanting to be with you. So where does that even leave us?”
F L Y N N
His partner stood from the couch, and for a second, Flynn thought that he was about to walk away. To do the very thing that he, himself, had been considering. Shutting the conversation down before it continued into uncharted territory, where there was potentially for things to spiral out of control. It was odd, really, how surreal the whole thing felt. It had been months, and the two of them had never fought. Not once. Which, in hindsight, maybe that was just a predictor that something big would crop up when they least expected it, and now, here it was. An argument over the very thing that they couldn’t overlook. The first thought everyone seemed to have when they were out together. How do a vampire and a human make a relationship work? At the beginning, it probably didn’t seem like such a big concept, since that was prime time for things to fall apart. Now, they were at a point of commitment. Ties to each other that they couldn’t so easily back out of. Their relationship was something they took seriously, that they worked on every day, even as easy as it was. Yet, here was the elephant in the room that they had ignored for so long that it seemed to have grown infinitely since that first touch of their lips those months ago. How did one make a molehill out of a mountain?
Azreath dropped to his knees, arms encircling the human’s hips as if he might somehow keep them both afloat. That he had all the answers for this little...scenario. Except that Flynn was at an utter loss for words for each question posed to him. Because when it was laid out like that...yeah, it sure sounded like a pretty shitty place to be at. “That’s...kind of the way us humans have to do things. We say “forever,” but that isn’t really such a realistic thing…” he sighed as his gaze dropped to the man clinging to him, knowing full well that it wasn’t answer to any of his partner’s questions, nor would it make him feel even remotely better about the situation. In fact, it would probably succeed at the opposite. “Why are you trying to fix what isn’t broken?” he finally asked, a hand finding its way into those dark locks. “Before that...happened...you never brought this up before, and you were more than happy to let us just…be. Now, it’s shifted so drastically that our relationship hangs on this decision?”
A Z R A E T H
He felt like all of his connections to reality were slowly slipping their tethers. He could almost feel himself going out of his body. He very much did not want to be having the conversation he was having, but that perhaps illustrated with it needed to happen. He felt fingers slip through his hair, and he wanted to seek comfort from the touch, but his chest felt as if it was filling with cement slowly, squeezing his heart and his lungs. “You don’t understand.” He whispered. “You have seen me at my lowest, but you always knew I would come back. You always knew I would heal up and be okay. When I walked into that hospital and expected to find you dead, I was ready to hunt down the ones who hurt you and then fling myself into the darkness after I dealt with them. I have seen what happens to human spirits in the Fade. I..I need to think that if you died, you would go on to a better place. There is no metaphor for eternity for us. There either is or there isn’t. If I lost you, I would lose myself too, and the only thing that could take away that pain is to be in the shadows and let them rob me of every ounce of humanity I have.” His jaw tightened. The words bubbled out of him.
Things he had been thinking. Things he never would have said out loud for anyone else. “You are my one. Do you understand? You will always have me. But I will not always have you. It’s not fair.” The words were repeated. The breathing had not slowed down, but grew more labored as he struggled to speak at rapid fire, and control the tightness behind his eyes and the vice squeezing around his core. “You think I’m asking too much of you by asking you to die. I’m telling you that you that you’re asking me to live with the reality that I will one day lose everything. What happened with those hunters was the first time I had to face it. Now I can’t escape it. Do you understand? I love you more than anyone, but you have become my living haunting.” And finally came the tears, burning like embers in his eyes.
F L Y N N
And that wasn’t something that Flynn didn’t understand, because he was haunted by his own demons. Demons his own mind had created. Still, those words repeated in his head, taunting him with irrationality that was steadily spreading its roots. ‘...my living haunting’ had this worm of guilt burrowing so deep into his thoughts that there was no way he could pull it free without allowing himself time to process. “I’m sorry…” he whispered, needing time to think. Just a chance to leave the heavy tension weighing them both down. He felt so much at once that it was impossible to justify any one of them with a reasonable explanation. Frustration. Guilt. Anger. Panic. And an overwhelming burning at the back of his throat that warned of the potential for his own tears. “You aren’t the only one haunted by what happened, Azraeth. Except, it’s not the hunters that haunt my every move. It’s you.” He paused, only briefly, for the sake of letting out a long and withering breath. “When I was comatose...I wasn’t just floating in some dark, cold abyss of nothingness. I was dreaming, but it all felt so real. I thought it was my reality. I dreamed of you. Our life together. The funny thing is...you were human, but it was...everything.”
He actually let out a soft, humorless laugh as he lowered himself in front of the dragon to wipe at the streams of tears. “The night I woke up, the dream was different. The last thing I saw was you burning alive and the last thing I heard were your screams. And I still hear them. Every time I open the bedroom door.” With a frown, he stood back up and careful untangled himself from pale arms until he was free of the hold. “I can’t give you what you want...I can’t say ‘yes.’ What I can tell you in this...However long I would live...that’s my metaphor for eternity, and I’m choosing to spend it with you.” Glancing toward the front door, his eyes narrowed. “I’m going to go get some air. Clear my head…” Which was really just code for walking away before the situation got any worse.
A Z R A E T H
Flynn was pulling away from him, and Az glanced up to his partner. He had been struggling, and failing to contain his expressions, like little birds kept in a poorly made cage. He had locked them away, and now they were wriggling against the bars, pecking at the latch. He had said everything that was in his soul to say, and in a way, there was relief in that. Odd, the things that could be comforting when it felt like the world was letting loose its grip on you. He heard every single thing his mate had to say. Some of it surprised him. Some of it made his chest feel like it was burning. Mostly, Azraeth wanted to call himself a fool, to pull himself up from the floor and offer up his love to the other man in the same uncomplicated manner he so often did. Except there was this moment of hesitation. Because he wasn’t sure if it was really the place or the time for that. To try and soothe the ache which burdened the Paladin’s mind. Az could feel it too, after a sense. And that was part of the issue, he supposed. When...whatever had happened, had happened...it had changed things between them. They could each feel what the other felt. Normally, this was physical, and manifested as pain, but there was some part of the Mystic which had to wonder if some of the soreness inside of his skull was borrowed from his human. If perhaps somehow they had broken into a vicious cycle which had only continued to turn because they hadn’t really been saying to each other, that which needed to be said.
In that single flash of a moment of hesitation, Flynn went to the door. He was leaving. Az was tempted to march right after him. In his underwear. How much of an Az moment would that have been? So he let the man go. Because there was another part of what the Paladin said, which struck home with him. As long as he would live. That sounded remarkably like a vow. And even though they were fighting. And even though they had gone through some of the most fucked up **** all in the space of a very short period of time, the vampire could not help but get a thrill from those words. It was like a little warm light shining on him in all of the gloom he had surrounded himself with. Flynn wanted to be with him like that. It was, without saying it, a proposal.
That had not at all been what Az was expecting.
He sucked in a breath, and moved to stand, only to wander over to the bedroom so he could grab his phone. He was still feeling...a lot. The fact that the newest thing he was feeling was happiness did not change the demon’s grip on his gut. He was in love with Flynn. He would one day have to say goodbye to him. And he didn’t want that. And he didn’t want to think about it at all. He texted the other man. While you’re out, get your favorite ice cream. Text me back when you have it. And then he grabbed up the electric blanket, curling up with it on one end of the couch.
Flynn had not been too keen on staying in the hospital for very long, which made sense, not only because hospitals themselves were creepy as ****, but also because the Paladin healed abnormally quickly, which was not the sort of trait one wanted people in the science community to pick up on. Of course, even before the Paladin’s release, Az had been effectively glued to him as much as possible without doing any extra harm by his need to be clinging. But after they had returned to their little cabin just outside of Harper Rock, the vampire had been as vigilant as a hawk. A hawk who went to great lengths to make sure that its partner was well taken care of. When Flynn was allowed out of bed, he was wrapped in blankets, draped over pillows, and fed the best things Azraeth could manage. There had been one point when the vampire had attempted to quite literally feed him, but that had not gone to plan. Which was to say the Paladin had given him a very stern look and refused to open his mouth. Which had created a bit of a mess, because the Mystic had been just a smidge forceful, resulting in homemade mashed potatoes and gravy ending up all over the human’s chin.
Strangely, Flynn had not minded Az cleaning that up. Fast forward a few weeks, and the vampire was finally beginning to relent on his death grip. This was, in part, because Azraeth couldn’t rightly deny the fact that his lover was essentially glowing with health. Thus, the two of them had properly gone out for the first time in ages. Originally Az had wanted to see A Wrinkle in Time, but reviews had turned him off to the idea. Instead, they’d gone to see the wildly hyped Black Panther, which mostly lived up to the acclaim in the vampire’s book. They were just getting back home, and as was his usual manner after making it through the front door, Az began to pull his clothing off (he could pick it up later). He clearly had something on his mind, though he hadn’t brought it up just yet.
F L Y N N
Getting out of the house had never felt so good. It wasn’t unusual for Flynn to act like a reclusive shut-in even on his healthiest days, but he had the option to leave when he felt like it. In the last few weeks, that was hardly the case. He had left the hospital only after a lengthy argument with the attending physician, who had gone out of his way to convince the Paladin that it was recommended he stay for continued observation should he take a turn for the worse. He, of course, had none of it and signed the paperwork to be discharged into Azraeth’s care. A job that the vampire took almost too seriously, but Flynn had never opposed his partner’s wishes. He knew that it came out of a place of love, and that the hovering was just concern. So, he took it in stride and did his best to assure the other man that he was okay, that he was getting better. It felt a little like a role reversal, in that this time it was Az’s turn to care for him, much like he had when the vampire had not only one, but three gunshot wounds to the head. A little different, maybe, but similar enough.
Needless to say, the idea of getting out of the house to see a movie was one he had grasped in a vice grip. It was like the fresh air alone was enough to clear away the creeping restlessness. And it wasn’t a bad movie, he enjoyed it well enough. But, that enjoyment was tinged with a little apprehension, and he couldn’t exactly put his finger on why. Just that the vibe only really came from Azraeth. Like there was something that Flynn wasn’t picking up on that he should, but he didn’t ask. If that really was the case, then the vampire would tell him when he felt it was necessary to. Communication was something they had no shortage of, and that was enough for him. For now. “We should go and see that other movie you wanted to see some other night...reviews are just opinions, meaning you can disagree…” he mused aloud, trailing after his partner and grabbing the discarded clothes as they came off.
A Z R A E T H
There was an elephant in the room. Az knew it. Flynn knew it. And the vampire was not the sort of person who was good at keeping a lid on what he was thinking or feeling, when it came to his personal life. Sure. He could play his cards close to his chest when it came to people he didn’t know about. Or didn’t care about. But when it came to those he loved? He was very much the kind of person to wear his heart not only on his sleeve, but to hold it, still trembling, in his hand. He was a book so open that it had pop ups (which was totally a dick joke as far as Flynn was concerned). Which meant that the human totally picked up on the tension in much the way he was picking up the loose articles of clothing. It wasn’t until the vampire was dressed down to his undergarments that he paused. Though they had been out in the cold, Azraeth had basically been plastered against his Paladin, which meant he was still warm. Best to keep it that way. Which was why he went to put the fire together. It had been one of the features which had most drawn the vampire to the little house, because it made the space feel homey.
It wasn’t until the flames were reaching up from the logs, like claws reaching up from the pit, that Az went to flop on the couch. The crackle and roar sent a little thrill of energy right down his spine, and he tracked his partner’s progress. “Okay, so I have something I want to talk about.” He finally said. Because small talk was not the sort of thing he was great at when he had something on his mind. “Er. But you should come and sit with me before we get into it.” He decided. He wanted to add that, in a perfect world, Flynn would come to sit down and chat about it mostly naked, but he was attempting to be serious.
F L Y N N
The fact that the vampire didn’t respond to the comment in regards to the other movie told Flynn all he needed to know. Azraeth’s mind was somewhere else, turning gears on a matter that he had yet to bring up. That was just the way his partner worked, though, unusually quiet up until the point he was probed for more or he felt he had worked through it enough to actually voice it out loud. Like that somehow made them real. The Paladin kept quiet, going through the motions of gathering the clothing for the sake of taking them to the bedroom. While there, he lost a couple layers of clothing until all that really remained were his jeans and a t-shirt. The idea of getting into his pajama pants was a tempting thing, but he resisted the urge for the time being, should they happen to leave again. As he returned to the other room to see Az working to get a fire going, Flynn very nearly asked him to stop. Only teeth trapping his lips together kept the words from filling the silence between them, but his gaze never left the vampire.
Azraeth stepped away and sank into the couch, and the Paladin minimally relaxed. The other man’s voice captured Flynn’s attention, his eyes turning from the dancing flames. The tone of his voice, the almost hesitant nature of it, implied that this was a conversation the human doubted he would enjoy. “Okay…” he replied, slowly making his way to the couch, eyebrows furrowing together as he stared at his partner. “The fact I have to “sit down” for this one...kind of worries me.” Figuring that he might as well get comfortable for what was to come, he situated himself so that he was facing Az, an arm draped over the back of the couch. “What’s on your mind?”
A Z R A E T H
The moment Flynn dropped onto the couch, Az immediately crawled over to him, slinging one knee over a lap, only to drop himself there easily. The situation was not in the slightest uncommon, which went back to the whole ‘Azraeth is clingy’ thing. He enjoyed being close to his partner, and he made this known at every possible turn. Before launching into what was tangled in his brain, his hands slipped over his Paladin’s broad shoulders, gently kneading into them. He closed the distance between them seamlessly, and then there was one more very important matter to deal with. Their lips touched. It had all of the hallmarks of being a brief thing. At first, his mouth was just barely there, and it seemed like he was about to end it, but then thought better. So his lips lingered against the human’s. There was just a little of that soft suction, the stealing of breath. Then Az finally leaned back to rest his backside against the space between Flynn’s pelvis and knees.
“So.” He began cautiously. “When you were...attacked. There was a moment when I really wanted to do something. I wanted to turn you. I didn’t obviously, because it’s not something we’ve ever talked about. But I think…” he squirmed just a little bit where he sat as if he wasn’t sure exactly how he wanted to phrase what he was trying to say. His gaze had, for a moment, been locked on his lover’s and then it dropped in contemplation. His eyes only lifted once more, those reptilian things, so that he could suck in a breath, his cheeks inflating. “So I want you to be turned. I uh. I don’t know what I would do if I lost you, but there were some moments where I thought you were gone. Where I thought I had lost you, and those were the worst moments of my life. I’ve never wanted to stop existing before, but that happened. I need you to become a vampire so that I know you will be around forever.”
F L Y N N
As concerning as the request was that Flynn sit down for the conversation that his partner wanted to have, having the man in his lap was also immediately calming. Counterintuitive as it was, when considering what he was. That wasn’t anything new, though, as the vampire had always had that effect on him. Even in those early days where that reaction was involuntary in his presence, it was just as quickly pushed away by something as simple as a touch. Of course, it wasn’t calming enough to make him lose sight of that tension hanging in the air and the fact that this “start” to the conversation felt a little like stalling. An attempt to prolong that moment where Flynn was oblivious to the thoughts that Az had been stewing in for...who knew how long. Even so, his arms were around his partner the second he settled, their lips touching in the brief, yet undeniably intimate moment. As he pulled back, Flynn’s hold tightened, if only to keep him from getting too far.
And then he started to talk. In truth, they hadn’t really touched too deeply on the situation they had been in only weeks before. In a way, that was probably for both of their benefit, as it was traumatic for them both. Just in different ways. Apparently, it was the time to bring it up, again. Azraeth shifted uncomfortably in his lap, and then the words came out. The Paladin froze, his entire form doing rigid and his expression twisted into something almost akin to disgust, but not quite. It happened without thought or consideration. It was only there for a flash before Flynn schooled his expression into something as impassive as he could muster. The reaction had come from a place deep within, that damn near buried intuitive repulsion for all things undead, but it had still happened, and Az would have seen it. There was no taking that back, even if that wasn’t necessarily how he thought. “I’m sorry, I don’t think I heard you correctly…” he finally replied, staring at the man in his lap with wide eyes, like a cornered animal who was being forced to face its worst nightmare.
A Z R A E T H
There were hands on him, and in the moments when those fingers squeezed down, and he felt the weight of palms, he told himself that things were going to be fine. That he wasn’t asking something crazy or outlandish. He thought to himself that their relationship and their love was strong enough that it didn’t matter really if Flynn was human or vampire. And that, to an extent, was hubris. The fantasy that the perfect magic of their relationship could not be touched. Azraeth saw the shift in Flynn’s expression, and those thoughts, the ones that he had been playing over to assure himself, came to a screeching halt inside of his head. His brows lifted and it was difficult for him not to let the hurt show. It was that whole open book thing again. Az could filter his expressions when he really needed to, but he hadn’t been in that situation with Flynn before. He dragged his own lower lip between his front teeth and bit down firmly enough to hurt, but not hard enough to bleed. He knew the Paladin hadn’t meant it. He knew the human was fighting instinct.
But that too was a reason to turn was it not? Az needed to think, but he didn’t have the time for that. Not really. He’d started the conversation, and there was no way out of it except through the other end. “I want you to be a vampire.” He repeated. There was this tone Az affected when he was being serious and yet loving all at the same time. When he used it, his voice lacked any real sternness, and there was this...odd inflection that made it seem like he might crack a joke at any moment. He was not using that tone with Flynn. It was odd, because his voice itself had dropped a lot of the animation in general. There was emotion, but it had been carefully suppressed behind a wall of sorts. “If you stay as you are, what happens if another attack like that happens? Or what if you get on the wrong side of a vampire? I have the Fade. I can come back if I die, but you don’t have that option. I just…” He trailed off. He was having trouble focusing.
F L Y N N
He had hoped he wouldn’t see it. That Azraeth would manage to brush it off and ignore what was, no doubt, a bit like a slap to the face. Flynn’s reaction to the notion of being a vampire certainly wasn’t off to a good start, and he knew that, but it couldn’t be helped. There was an immediate desire to take it back, apologize for something that was so deeply rooted into his psyche that he couldn’t even be blamed it, but it never came. The most important person in his life, who happened to be a vampire, was staring at him and he couldn’t bring forth the words to ease the sting. That hold on the man was lost as the Paladin rose his hands to his face, rubbing at it in frustration as his thoughts seemed to knot and tangle together in one huge mess that he couldn’t seem to pick apart. All the things he could say were lost to an endless barrage of information, like pros and cons of a decision as big as the one posed to him. A decision he wasn’t sure he could make.
It was way too much to take in all at once, and the Paladin suddenly felt trapped beneath his partner. He was uncomfortably restless and he needed to move. In a swift move, he had removed Azraeth from his lap and stood, immediately pacing in the space of the room like a caged animal in need of a way out. And he was quiet for what felt like hours, but was only a matter of a few minutes, before he turned back to Az. He only stared at him, at first, and then sighed as he dropped to his knees in front of the couch, frowning. “Look, I can’t even imagine how hard those few days were for you. Not knowing what would happen. And I am so sorry that I put you through it, but…” he paused, eyes falling closed with a shake of his head. “I don’t think you actually understand what you’re asking of me.” Or maybe he did, but was that necessarily any better?
A Z R A E T H
Flynn was moving him. It wasn’t the first time that had happened, but normally, the Paladin just let Az do basically whatever he wanted. There was this ongoing joke that the Mystic was spoiled. And as much as the pair of them played it off like some sort of cute inside ‘thing’, it was true enough. And Az did not like being put down. Of course, he totally got the reason behind it. Flynn already had trouble with commitment. And Azraeth had basically said ‘Okay, so I want you to be with me for all eternity, plus a few years extra.’ Which was an extremely daunting perspective for anyone. Normally, the Mystic would have been a lot better at taking a more holistic approach to dealing with the problem. He was normally great at keeping in mind the things that bothered or spooked his partner. But he was in ‘bull in a china shop’ mode. It was probably because of all of the raw emotion he’d processed in those few short days. The idea of losing his mate made him anxious and upset, and angry, and scared all at once. So he wasn’t 100% rational.
He watched as Flynn paced. He watched as the man moved to kneel in front of him. Azraeth very nearly growled when his lover apologized to him. It wasn’t the Paladin’s fault that he’d been attacked. Az didn’t want to hear an apology. ‘Sorry’ was a wall, a barrier between someone making a mistake once and making a mistake a second time. Flynn had no power to control the universe or whatever the **** it decided to throw at them. Flynn couldn’t stop a volcano from erupting and raining down fire on them. He couldn’t stop a bunch of assholes from attacking him. And that was the point. The vampire’s features clouded briefly. “I know exactly what I’m asking of you.” He intoned. He did and he didn’t. He knew, at face value, but he failed to really understand the depth of what he was demanding, if only because he was viewing it through the lens of his own pain. “I don’t think I’m asking something terrible of you here. Do you even want to be with me forever?” He asked, peering into his partner’s eyes.
F L Y N N
It was like flipping a switch. The second the words fell out Azraeth’s mouth was the same instant that those familiar walls went up, that age-old pattern of blocking someone out when they struck that nerve. When those deeper vulnerabilities were jabbed at, as if to remind him that he hadn’t entirely worked through them to the point of ‘healing.’ In truth, if it had come from anyone else, it probably wouldn’t have bothered him. It was the fact that Az was the one saying it that hurt, because he knew better. “That’s not fair,” he finally whispered, staring at the vampire in front of him. Then he was his feet, backing up from the couch with fists clenched at his sides. “That’s not fair, and you sound so fu-...” he said, his voice rising into what could have almost passed for a yell, were he not carefully reigning it in. It took more willpower than Flynn thought he possessed, but he never finished that sentence. He had never sworn at Azraeth before, and he wasn’t about to start now. Frustrated, angry, whatever...it wasn’t happening.
Taking a single deep breath, he forced his hands to relax and his stance to do the same. Less defensive, even when he felt like shutting the conversation down right then before it progressed any further. “You aren’t just asking me to be with you forever. You’re asking me to give up...my life. My humanity.” At that point, he was forced to pause, because there was the saying “I’d die for you” and that wasn’t a false statement. He would die for Az, in a heartbeat. But, this wasn’t the same as that. “This is what I do. Every night I face the possibility of dying, because I’m human. Humans have expiration dates, even supernatural ones. And you knew that when we started this!” Now, it was just frustration. Trying to work through too much at once. “And your solution is for me to die.”
A Z R A E T H
So what exactly? He knew from the first syllable what Flynn had been about to say, but not the entire phrase. Az had to give his partner credit, the man could restrain himself when he needed to. But that had never been an issue with them. The Paladin was, at most times, rational and stable. He was a deep sunk anchor in a world full of chaos. For Az, there were very few of those. It was the Mystic who was everyone’s rock, their foundation. He was the one people came to when things went to ****. He was the one called upon to help oversee, and fix, and handle a myriad of problems. He did not begrudge this role because it meant that Azraeth got to show the people close to him how he felt about them. He got to soothe and love. And Flynn was that for Az, as well. Except they were fighting. That is what was happening wasn’t it? Heated discussion. Creative expression of frustration. Part of the problem was that the Mystic didn’t know how to handle what was going on in his head. He couldn’t just put aside his feelings to deal with the situation logically. He couldn’t fully embrace the emotions either, for fear of escalating things. He wanted to call a time out, and snuggle with his partner. Maybe catch a nap. Resume at a later date.
But that wasn’t how fights worked was it? He moved to stand, because he felt antsy sitting there. His arms folded behind his back. His hands didn’t know what to do. This was it. Flynn was pulling away from him. He had seen it. This was the moment when his boyfriend was going to leave him. I’m being selfish. He knew he was. The words hit him like a punch to the gut. He stepped closer to Flynn, and then his legs crumpled. His knees locked and hit the ground. He gripped the other man by his hips as if to help himself up, but he didn’t. “So what happens then? We spend time together until you die? We keep living this dangerous lifestyle where we bite off more and more until it finally kills you?” He asked. He was breathing heavily suddenly. His eyes were dry though his features were oddly red as if he’d just been crying. “Being with me is dangerous. I am the worst possible thing for your health, and I can’t stop myself from wanting to be with you. So where does that even leave us?”
F L Y N N
His partner stood from the couch, and for a second, Flynn thought that he was about to walk away. To do the very thing that he, himself, had been considering. Shutting the conversation down before it continued into uncharted territory, where there was potentially for things to spiral out of control. It was odd, really, how surreal the whole thing felt. It had been months, and the two of them had never fought. Not once. Which, in hindsight, maybe that was just a predictor that something big would crop up when they least expected it, and now, here it was. An argument over the very thing that they couldn’t overlook. The first thought everyone seemed to have when they were out together. How do a vampire and a human make a relationship work? At the beginning, it probably didn’t seem like such a big concept, since that was prime time for things to fall apart. Now, they were at a point of commitment. Ties to each other that they couldn’t so easily back out of. Their relationship was something they took seriously, that they worked on every day, even as easy as it was. Yet, here was the elephant in the room that they had ignored for so long that it seemed to have grown infinitely since that first touch of their lips those months ago. How did one make a molehill out of a mountain?
Azreath dropped to his knees, arms encircling the human’s hips as if he might somehow keep them both afloat. That he had all the answers for this little...scenario. Except that Flynn was at an utter loss for words for each question posed to him. Because when it was laid out like that...yeah, it sure sounded like a pretty shitty place to be at. “That’s...kind of the way us humans have to do things. We say “forever,” but that isn’t really such a realistic thing…” he sighed as his gaze dropped to the man clinging to him, knowing full well that it wasn’t answer to any of his partner’s questions, nor would it make him feel even remotely better about the situation. In fact, it would probably succeed at the opposite. “Why are you trying to fix what isn’t broken?” he finally asked, a hand finding its way into those dark locks. “Before that...happened...you never brought this up before, and you were more than happy to let us just…be. Now, it’s shifted so drastically that our relationship hangs on this decision?”
A Z R A E T H
He felt like all of his connections to reality were slowly slipping their tethers. He could almost feel himself going out of his body. He very much did not want to be having the conversation he was having, but that perhaps illustrated with it needed to happen. He felt fingers slip through his hair, and he wanted to seek comfort from the touch, but his chest felt as if it was filling with cement slowly, squeezing his heart and his lungs. “You don’t understand.” He whispered. “You have seen me at my lowest, but you always knew I would come back. You always knew I would heal up and be okay. When I walked into that hospital and expected to find you dead, I was ready to hunt down the ones who hurt you and then fling myself into the darkness after I dealt with them. I have seen what happens to human spirits in the Fade. I..I need to think that if you died, you would go on to a better place. There is no metaphor for eternity for us. There either is or there isn’t. If I lost you, I would lose myself too, and the only thing that could take away that pain is to be in the shadows and let them rob me of every ounce of humanity I have.” His jaw tightened. The words bubbled out of him.
Things he had been thinking. Things he never would have said out loud for anyone else. “You are my one. Do you understand? You will always have me. But I will not always have you. It’s not fair.” The words were repeated. The breathing had not slowed down, but grew more labored as he struggled to speak at rapid fire, and control the tightness behind his eyes and the vice squeezing around his core. “You think I’m asking too much of you by asking you to die. I’m telling you that you that you’re asking me to live with the reality that I will one day lose everything. What happened with those hunters was the first time I had to face it. Now I can’t escape it. Do you understand? I love you more than anyone, but you have become my living haunting.” And finally came the tears, burning like embers in his eyes.
F L Y N N
And that wasn’t something that Flynn didn’t understand, because he was haunted by his own demons. Demons his own mind had created. Still, those words repeated in his head, taunting him with irrationality that was steadily spreading its roots. ‘...my living haunting’ had this worm of guilt burrowing so deep into his thoughts that there was no way he could pull it free without allowing himself time to process. “I’m sorry…” he whispered, needing time to think. Just a chance to leave the heavy tension weighing them both down. He felt so much at once that it was impossible to justify any one of them with a reasonable explanation. Frustration. Guilt. Anger. Panic. And an overwhelming burning at the back of his throat that warned of the potential for his own tears. “You aren’t the only one haunted by what happened, Azraeth. Except, it’s not the hunters that haunt my every move. It’s you.” He paused, only briefly, for the sake of letting out a long and withering breath. “When I was comatose...I wasn’t just floating in some dark, cold abyss of nothingness. I was dreaming, but it all felt so real. I thought it was my reality. I dreamed of you. Our life together. The funny thing is...you were human, but it was...everything.”
He actually let out a soft, humorless laugh as he lowered himself in front of the dragon to wipe at the streams of tears. “The night I woke up, the dream was different. The last thing I saw was you burning alive and the last thing I heard were your screams. And I still hear them. Every time I open the bedroom door.” With a frown, he stood back up and careful untangled himself from pale arms until he was free of the hold. “I can’t give you what you want...I can’t say ‘yes.’ What I can tell you in this...However long I would live...that’s my metaphor for eternity, and I’m choosing to spend it with you.” Glancing toward the front door, his eyes narrowed. “I’m going to go get some air. Clear my head…” Which was really just code for walking away before the situation got any worse.
A Z R A E T H
Flynn was pulling away from him, and Az glanced up to his partner. He had been struggling, and failing to contain his expressions, like little birds kept in a poorly made cage. He had locked them away, and now they were wriggling against the bars, pecking at the latch. He had said everything that was in his soul to say, and in a way, there was relief in that. Odd, the things that could be comforting when it felt like the world was letting loose its grip on you. He heard every single thing his mate had to say. Some of it surprised him. Some of it made his chest feel like it was burning. Mostly, Azraeth wanted to call himself a fool, to pull himself up from the floor and offer up his love to the other man in the same uncomplicated manner he so often did. Except there was this moment of hesitation. Because he wasn’t sure if it was really the place or the time for that. To try and soothe the ache which burdened the Paladin’s mind. Az could feel it too, after a sense. And that was part of the issue, he supposed. When...whatever had happened, had happened...it had changed things between them. They could each feel what the other felt. Normally, this was physical, and manifested as pain, but there was some part of the Mystic which had to wonder if some of the soreness inside of his skull was borrowed from his human. If perhaps somehow they had broken into a vicious cycle which had only continued to turn because they hadn’t really been saying to each other, that which needed to be said.
In that single flash of a moment of hesitation, Flynn went to the door. He was leaving. Az was tempted to march right after him. In his underwear. How much of an Az moment would that have been? So he let the man go. Because there was another part of what the Paladin said, which struck home with him. As long as he would live. That sounded remarkably like a vow. And even though they were fighting. And even though they had gone through some of the most fucked up **** all in the space of a very short period of time, the vampire could not help but get a thrill from those words. It was like a little warm light shining on him in all of the gloom he had surrounded himself with. Flynn wanted to be with him like that. It was, without saying it, a proposal.
That had not at all been what Az was expecting.
He sucked in a breath, and moved to stand, only to wander over to the bedroom so he could grab his phone. He was still feeling...a lot. The fact that the newest thing he was feeling was happiness did not change the demon’s grip on his gut. He was in love with Flynn. He would one day have to say goodbye to him. And he didn’t want that. And he didn’t want to think about it at all. He texted the other man. While you’re out, get your favorite ice cream. Text me back when you have it. And then he grabbed up the electric blanket, curling up with it on one end of the couch.
[To Be Continued]
