-xx- For Understanding -xx-

[Leiren]

Eye twitches and her hand scribbles upon the parchment paper with the ‘scritch-scratch’ sounds the only noise in the entire room. She had been carrying around journals since she could remember. She had been told so long ago that it helped with ‘understanding’ by her crack pot doctors who got paid more in a day then most people do in months. It was complete crap, but that didn’t stop her from doing it. It seemed she had so many around her telling her that she wasn’t normal because of things she could always do. It wasn’t just her becoming a vampire, no; before she even met Amara she had these, tendencies. Peculiar little things happened around her a lot. She could slip out of her body, become lost in thought, and somehow it would seem that whomever she was thinking about would suddenly get ahold of her. She always thought it was coincidence. Maybe, maybe it wasn’t.

-I will not invade another vampire’s mind.-

The one line was scribbled over and over on every page of this new journal. It had a lovely bright red hard cover and every piece of paper had been crisp and white. No words or pictures on the outside. Not even a symbol. Perfectly blank. That is until about four hours ago when she started another of her writing sprees. She had been absentmindedly having thoughts move through her head and didn’t know where they were coming from. She tried to stop herself, to teach herself. She wasn’t very good at control. And it was just so easy to slip into their minds. Especially the little ones.

-I will not invade another vampire’s mind.-

Did her Mind Speak power count? It had too. She had purposely broken it to send someone a message. Another ten lines and then her pen stopped short between ‘not’ and ‘invade’. She slammed the book shut, threw it at the wall, and chucked the pen at the door, sticking it like a dart hitting a bullseye. Her muscles in her arms spazzed and her brain started to pound against her skull. Over and over she heard her heart beat inside of her head. Someone had to be around her, somewhere, because this was starting to become commonplace around others. Like her mind wanted to prod and poke and explore where others couldn’t.

After the treacherous episode finally stopped she grabbed her pen and a new pale blue journal, the other wasn’t going to help. She sat on her floor, leaning against the wall, slowly banging her head against it in the same pattern as a human’s heartbeat. Her fingers slowly started to scratch the pen into the paper once more.

-I am not crazy.-
-I am not crazy.-
-I am not crazy.-

[Leiren]

Another day, Another dawn.
Such beautiful light hidden to me
Though I see things unseen.

Passionate colored streaks
Soft fluffy curls lazing around
Never again will I see
It is now unseen.

But I see the unseen!
Visions lost to others open for me!
Yet this is taken from my grasp
out of reach of fragile hands.

Now blood does quench the thirst.
I am of nightmares in new darkness
never to gaze upon the light.
This saddens me.

[Leiren]

Red Journal, Version Two.

It seems to me that the first red-bound journal demanding myself to stay out of another thoughts was useless. It just wasn't going to happen. I should have known. I guess its my path, my power, whatever. I don't truly understand these things. I have thought about seeking out another telepath for guidance, but I would not trust any of them. I trust Amara. That lovely woman. Her beauty enamors me and I find myself lusting after her. Sure, I am her childe, but I am not really her blood am I? It doesn't matter. Her charms, I can't resist. I have spotted her in the Necropolis while I wander from room to room and now I understand that I don't think I could ever live without her. My obsession with my lost friend and with that of the lost light, its still there, but it does not compare.

Already I know I will do anything for her. Give up anything to have her. But if she were to ever see the real me, the thoughts in my mind, would she still want me as her childe? Not that she has a choice now.

I am hers, forever.
Forever.

Long fingers scratched the word forever into the page, onto the next. Her mind drifting from being Amaranthia's forever and now with her decision, Raina forever being hers.

[Leiren]

Such anger and rage
like a deep madness
caressing lithe form
a mother holding child.

So wrong, so right.
He deserved to die!
Still regret passes through
Amaranthia.

Such a name causes love to stir
wherein before hate once did.
Tristan, enemy, sibling, sorrow
A snack, delightful to the tongue.

Now he lives only for her.
I did before him.
I am better.
Mine.

[Leiren]

I'm stuck with it. God help me. I'm stuck with it.

It was simple, but it said so much. How could she ever even think to share Amara? And with Him? HIM? of all the people in the world why did it have to be HIM? He was so.. soo... Grr! It drove her insane to think she would be stuck with him forever and yet she couldn't ever leave Amara's side. It was just to much. her only saving grace about him was that he was good with computers, which would honestly come in handy if she needed her systems protected. Still, he wasn't a good person, couldn't be, he was always by the woman's side which was where she belonged. Her. lLeiren. Not that stupid male, her forsaken Tryst. A curse on him!

I thinkIi shall find myself a mystic to talk to. Honestly he deserves it. Or make him die, and then go talk with Raina. Mmm. Raina. How delicious. The woman makes my head hurt but she's quite what I expected and more. So much more.

She is mine. I dare anyone to say she is not.
Damn Tristan.
Mine!

[Leiren]

I have missed my daughter
Light comes from her
Traces my lips
Such taste.

Soon I will see her
in watery depths
such tantalizing agenda
my dearest Raina.

Take from me this passion
I can give so much
Require so little
Temptations.

[Leiren]

Work was good, easy really, and good. Drinks were served, people came and went and I talked to Asmodeus. This, thing, this Caden, has been killed. Tracking in this city is quite hard and certainly not my forte but I managed to be of some help. My telepathic powers are coming along as if this is how I was always meant to be. It's strange, but still I can only thank Amara for what she's done to me.

Her long fingers scraped the pen over paper in her new plain white faced journal. This one would be for history, memories, for later use. Not for ranting or punishment, though she needed those too. She had gotten a new black one too. A black bound book for all the horrible things she was bound to do. That she had already done.

She placed her fingers on the pages once more and tapped that long pen against the pages.

In fact I believe I love her about all else. It is me who is a bit deranged, but I am devoted. Does this count to bless away all sins I may have?

She closed the journal and set it aside. Her mind lost to events of the past few nights. She took the journal she had been writing in and placed it on one of the bookshelves.

[Leiren]

Words meant for that black journal writ across her mind as if she could see them inside her head, big bold brash letters of disgust with herself and nothing could change what had happened. She had let this male touch her, tease her senses and touch her body in such ways. Still now she had angered Amara and not only that, but she had heard that Az had actually had to ban the woman from her own establishment, all over her. What a curse she had! To be untouched in such ways for so long and now to want such heights.

What am I to do, my mind set on this I can not have or feel and this Male! This Asmodeus who does torture me so. Am I not to see him, to touch him again? No, it could not be, for Amaranthia already knew and this ended in tragedy. I love her, she is what I think of at night, save for that night. Those two nights, in which my mind was wrapped around Asmodeus. Feeling such things as real in my mind as if they were happening again and again. How blasphemous am I! To take a small thing such as waiting, which I have done with ease for years, and run off with this beast who does torture me so. I do not love him, it is not like that, it is lust. Such lust that fills me in ways I could not imagine with anyone save for Amara. I miss her delicate touch. It calls to me. Almost as much as his lips.

Just once more, just one more kiss, and then I shall starve myself of any such things in light of Amara's wrath. I can be good. I can be sane.

Maybe I'm not me.

[Leiren]

Why was it she would be filling up the pages in this black journal faster then others? And she had never needed one before! A journal for bad deeds that seemed to need punishment for. Punishment she could only give herself and draw into the depths of her own despair. Such tragedy this was not thought of before. Before him.

I went over to Nick's, helped the poor man with his wounds. He was so hurt. Maybe it was apart of his powers over such beings, even me, but the Sorrow that over came me was to much to bare. I couldn't stand to see him so hurt, so wronged, and only by the hand that wishes to kill us all. I shed tears for him. And then we kissed. I don't know why in those moments of weakness I placed my lips to his but I was simply so worried about him and I thought, then, what if I never get another chance? A kiss isn't sex. Just a kiss. But a kiss of such measure leads to more and it encircled me in his webs woven through his powers. I could not keep going. I could not do this. And it ended with my palm smashing into his chest wound and me running from his apartment. How stupid could this be! Just a kiss was all I wanted. All I dared. And then so much more came. God, it came.

She closed her eyes and bit the end of her pen, sliding it through parted teeth over her fangs, tapping one to a little beat only in her head. She was obviously re-living something, something she couldn't write or ever forget. It pained her so. She chomped down hard as the pen's end came to her molars and she ground it until it would surely break. Most troubling. She shook it off, her eyes opening to stare at the pages and the words she had written. She wasn't done. There was still him, and he was going to be the death of her. She knew. She could feel it in the precious vitae that ran through her body.

It was the longest elevator ride ever down just one floor. I know I made it into my apartment before Asmodeus showed up, but after that it's all fuzzy. He knocked, it surprised me. He shouted somethings. I don't remember. I was covered in blood, Nick's and my own, and I remember Asmo stripping me looking for wounds that he wouldn't find. Somehow we made it to the couch? My head was throbbing after Nick. I think he drugged me with something. Either that or his power put me on such a high I couldn't stand to not be near it.

She clicked her teeth and squeezed the pen a little tighter at the thought she could actually be some how addicted to the powers an Allurist gave off. Amara was an Allurist. But this couldn't be why she was obsessed could it? No. Not with Amaranthia. It was more then that. It had to be.

I know he touched me, I remember his scent. It was all over my skin when I pulled myself together. But he didn't take it from me. He wouldn't dream of such. At least, I have to keep telling myself he wouldn't.

[Leiren]

Passions Alighted
through powers unknown
sweet lips to treasure
not my own.

An injured soul
resting with me
coated in bliss
what webs we weave.

I think of him still
my beast
but it is not him
I am not me.