Hey, Jude. (Louvel)

[Judah Marck]

26th March, 2016 - Germany.

A familiar song was playing over the portable speakers he’d set on top of the picnic basket, a song that had been played to him, for him most days since his birth. Jude had always been a big fan of The Beatles and he never got tired of hearing “Hey Jude”, not even when it was quoted at him as a reminder to slow down, to settle in, to make good choices. To choose to be the saint. To choose to be honest.

To choose her.

His cousin was nearby, but Judah’s mind was elsewhere, his eyes shut as he let himself sink into the ground beneath him, feeling the grass tickling against his bare forearms as the wind blew. It was early evening, the ground still warm from the sun and the pair were barely halfway through a bottle of wine, the night just beginning. They were in Germany, staying in a beautiful little cabin out near a large forest, with lush gardens and beautiful wild flowers. Spring was just beginning, and it was the perfect time to lay outside with just a picnic blanket beneath you, watching the gorgeous flowers come into full bloom. The weather was mild and so was the mood.

[Louvel von der Marck]

<Louvel> The chamomile in his fingers spun around as did the small white petaled flower with a yellow center. Lou was not a flower guy by any means but he was fascinated by nature in general. And anything organic or having to do with homeopathy had his attention, such as the flower.

“What's on your mind?” Louvel finally decided it was time to ask. He knew his cousin too well to leave the silence between too long. “And don't say there is nothing wrong. If it's not wrong then in the very least it has been on your mind for the last several minutes.”

[Judah Marck]

“Anna.” He said with the slightest shrug of shoulders, brown eyes opening to the world, turning to look over the blonde man beside him. He was so handsome, taller than Jude with moss green eyes and long blonde hair. Where Jude was all dark features and fair skin, with a sprinkling of freckles across his nose and cheeks, Louvel was a sun kissed God. Both attractive in their own right, just very different. There was a comforting sort of grounded vibe to Louvel, his presence and size spoke of power but not intimidation. Jude was usually a ball of energy and enthusiasm, charisma and charm almost as if to make up for his lack of height.

Two halves to a whole, and Louvel knew exactly what that one word meant to Jude if not the context. “I found more of her relatives, you know they were very distantly related yeah? They split off a long time ago, so it's almost impossible to trace but I think I did it. Being here, finding out more, it's cathartic in a way. She didn't mind all that much, she supported my efforts but didn't feel the need to know. Austin said…” Austin, his mouth shut with a snap. Jude’s other best friend, the one not in the family. “Nevermind.” He sat up abruptly, making himself busy grabbing out the bottle of wine from the open side of the picnic basket, refilling their cups.

[Louvel von der Marck]

<Louvel> Dark windows that made it easy to see into a man’s soul came to find his own. Lou showed no fear, no unease. It was Judah and he would rise to meet him on any issue, including what had taken him farther away in thought than perhaps the man speaking even expected. He listened to the name. Not just the way it sounded coming from Jude but what the tone itself said about the woman in which he mentioned.

Then came the name that Louvel was wanting to hear more about. Not the generals but of the one behind the name that was spoken. It caught Judah’s thoughts enough that he halted in his words. Frozen. Louvel knew that feeling all too well and wanted to hear what effect it had on Judah. Could it be the same or perhaps shed some light that was needed for Louvel to see more clearly in his own regard.

[Judah Marck]

He took a deep swig from his wine, glaring over the rim of the glass at his cousin who seemed to stare at him expectantly, waiting for more. “Nope… You are going to have to get me drunker for that… Ah, fudge it.” He hissed between his teeth, downing the rest of the glass, his free hand shoving Lou’s glass at him. It was probably his turn to spill some of his soul anyway, “He said it would probably drive me mad if they weren’t there to keep my nose out of the books. We were all sitting around the lounge room, Augie was asleep so three of us were just laying on the couch together relaxing. Then Anna decided she needed to go to bed, told us to have a good night and winked. She winked… Why did she wink?” He frowned over at Lou.

The dynamic between the three had been interesting, they had all met at the start of college, Austin was studying Theology and shared a lot of classes with Jude, the pair became quickly inseparable and the same occurred with Anna through psychology classes. Jude and Austin had lived together before he and Anna got married, and after he ended up moving in with them when they moved to attend Seminary school. It wasn’t unusual for them to be getting up to hijinks, and Anna just laughing, cleaning them up after or listening to the stories.

Lou had been subjected to plenty of his stories, he’d even spent time with them all, in fact Austin commenting on what a handsome cousin Jude had was the first time he felt a twinge of something akin to jealousy, a possessiveness. Austin had looked to Jude, grinning and had blurted out, “Your family is ridiculously attractive, you know that right? I mean, so handsome you… Ha, drinks on me!” It took him too long to figure out what that meant. “You remember the first night you met him, Lou? At that bar on campus? You two got along so well?” Thinking back on it made him smile, and yet, those nervous butterflies stirred in his stomach.

[Louvel von der Marck]

<Louvel> Getting Judah drunk wouldn’t really be an issue. Not for Lou anyways. He enjoyed their talks and for all the years invested in the ones they had many if not most really had little to do with alcohol. As long as Louvel could remember he was the one he went to. Judah always could be trusted to listen, to be able to see where he was coming from, where he was going and where his thought process was along the way. So as soon as Jude said that he took it for what it was worth. There was nothing really in the world worth digging deeper into Judah von der Marck, especially something that obviously closed him up like a clam as soon as he gave it some thought.

And then Louvel heard it all anyways. Austin. Austin was more than that bestie of a friend and yes they did get along well. Well enough that Lou could have been blind and still picked up on the fact even though there was a handful of people around it seemed Judah stood out for far more than being a saint of a guy like he pretty much was. Austin was watching Judah like he was the only one in the room. It wasn't overly obvious if you were not paying attention. But Louvel was.

If there was a von der Marck in any room of otherwise average people. Yes, even Lou had an air about him when it came to that. Von der Marck’s stood out, even those quiet as the mouse that hid in the holes of a church. Another von der Marck was really the only other one who could understand that calling, that silent demand for notice. It was perhaps the blood that raised the awareness and extra focus.

Austin wasn’t a von der Marck but he was a man with an eye. It wasn’t blind either. It was on Judah and it was not something Louvel made light of in favor of being distracted by everyone else. Judah was his blood, his brother and his responsibility. Austin’s interest was there and Lou was left to focus back on his cousin, curious if it was reciprocated and he had missed that somehow but it took only a few minutes and he decided, no. Judah would have said something then. However he didn’t. He let it go until now. Now his curiosity was piqued even more.

“And?”

Sure they got on okay, Louvel and Austin. Well enough that he didn’t miss a beat when it came to keeping an eye on Jude and his friend for the above reasons. He knew the type. Austin was not hard on the eyes at all and Jude was more than attractive. Lou gave Austin a second look but the time in his own life was not invested in spending extra he didn’t have to waste with another based on attraction. Anyone wanted to get a little closer to Louvel needed to be willing grab an expedition pack or a surfboard and have their passports up to date and a bank account that could float them internationally for up to six months without an issue.

“Telling me the rest now are you?” Louvel winked at Judah because he loved him enough to say he was open to hear what his brother wasn’t willing to, ready to or perhaps just didn't know about before.

[Judah Marck]

The man sipped his wine, another attempted withering look shot at his cousin that fell short. “And what? Tell what rest?” Judah von der Marck never really was good at lying or avoiding topics. He tried it on for size, just to see if he could keep himself quiet on the topic but he was beginning to realise he didn’t really want to, he’d hold onto it all so long that he felt like he was going to burst. Anna was gone, and he’d withdrawn from Austin out of some misguided sense of guilt. The man understood, had let him go with the promise that he’d be there if Jude ever needed him. Sure, they still caught up, still chatted but Jude had disappeared so often with his travel and had been busy being a father, being a Pastor and of course, being a von der Marck. The only time the other man got a glimpse into their past was with a phone and great distance between them. Laying in the lonely darkness, with his phone to his ear and Austin's voice whispering to him was he able to let the man back in.

“Where do I start, Lou? What do I even say? It’s just…” He sighed heavily, reaching up to pinch at the bridge of his nose, the place where his thick rimmed glasses were often perched. “Anna’s gone, and she’d be furious at me for sitting here stalling, for putting off calling him and catching up when I get home. She loved him too, and would be so upset that we weren’t the same. How can we be? She isn’t there to be my buffer, my excuse.” He swallowed hard, not quite believing those words just left his mouth. “I don’t mean that how it sounds." He stammered, waving his hand as if to clear the sentiment from the air. “It’s just that she kept things in check, she made it safe and ok. Without her there? I don’t know what would happen anymore. Do you know what I mean?”

He was fidgeting, growing a little more agitated, nervous energy that Jude might normally burn off by getting up and pacing, walking, doing a damn backflip off a tree. All pretty standard when he got himself worked up. “I miss him, I miss my friend.” He went to take a sip of wine only to find it was gone. Curses. He resisted the urge to reach for the bottle, he didn’t need it right now, he needed to give himself a minute to think clear headed though the wine haze was beginning to cloud his judgement. His fingers itched to pull out his phone, to send a message to a man who made his insides twist and his heart race, who made him question everything. “You KNOW, right?” He turned those big brown doe eyes on Louvel, as if expecting him to read the deeper meaning within.

[Louvel von der Marck]

<Louvel> Those words. Buffer and excuse hit hard. Not quite as much as perhaps they likely came to be for Judah in his situation with Anna but even so it came at him with the similar force. He had been known to do the same. Even if it was just something simple like bringing along another to climb Everest because bigger than life Martin was along with a tent, a sleeping bag and half a clue that when Lou said it was done and over that it actually was. Martin made his choice, packed his wagon and headed east without an explanation. So of course Lou played the wild card when it came to the expedition and folded but had Jacob there just in case. Lou wouldn’t take Martin back if he was the second to the last man standing on earth. Sad but true.

“I kinda do but really…” He looked at Judah firmly with his eyes so focused that it meant he was as serious as a heart attack. “ you give it more thought than I do. I let it go and see it for what it is. I mean I knew with…” So that was the moment he would be talking about the one he was done with in that regard as soon as he took the one way ticket to New York and ran. “Martin. I was nowhere in the same boat as you by any means. You had a commitment to Anna, plans built on a lot more. I wouldn’t think at the time she was a buffer as much as you were still figuring some things out about yourself that aren’t always there at the beginning. We learn along the way. Life is like that. Especially when it comes to the individual creatures we are. We aren’t so easy to read especially when it is ourselves doing it. Takes time. Anyways, yeah I know what you mean. I spent seventy *******…” Lou paused feeling lazy for being profane. Fudge sounded better to Judah. “Days with someone between me and Martin because I knew how he could be. He thinks his **** is golden. And it is great but no where near what Martin gives it credit for or him for that matter. Truth is I was easy to leave out in the woods picking up pieces and Bea got what he thought he wanted. Turns out it worked out like it should. Martin deserved the bright lights, the big city and the wife with a pedigree and a Daddy that made sure she got all she would ever want and one of those things was, well, Martin. I was saved but I just didn’t know it. Something about unanswered prayers? Point is with all that I figured it out on the mountain, there was really only a buffer going on in my brain. I had the power over that and I broke that down. I saw what was on the other side and faced it. When the time on the mountain was up I found out a lot more about me and really it had half as much to do with Martin than I thought. Even less than half. It’s about you, Jude. All of that. Anna had to do her own work and you can’t do it for her. Same with Austin. What do you want or need? Ask yourself that. **** doing what is right every time you turn around. Sometimes just stop and breathe, feel, go with it. We all make choices and we have to sort through them and live honestly when we finally can.”

Perhaps that was far more than Judah expected coming out of Louvel’s mouth but so be it. He had some wine, he had the company of his brother and he had nothing to hide. Now his listening ears were back on and he turned the soap box back over to Judah.

[Judah Marck]

M O O D M U S I C

Judah stared at Louvel, his lips pressed together in a thoughtful line, his foot tapping at the ground beneath him once more fighting the urge to move, to run. He had half a mind to cut Lou off before he got back around to Jude’s statements, challenge him to a race like he had when they were younger. Both men had kept fit, Louvel had the height advantage but Jude was fast, and right now he had energy to burn. Martin, ****, yeah Jude remembered Martin. He scoffed as Lou paused after his swearing, Judah tended to avoid it purely out of habit these days, when he was in the mood he had a right mouth on him and tonight might just be one of those times where he spouted off a string of swear words that would catch his cousin off guard.

He was surprised by how much Lou was talking, in fact, and was impressed with the clarity he seemed to present with even though Jude knew how much Martin’s stupidity had screwed with the man’s head. He’d knocked him off his path, for the briefest of moments, given him pause and reason to doubt. Louvel didn’t doubt, not when it came to himself or what he wanted, he was usually pretty damn self aware and honest. Maybe not when it came to the few men who stayed in his life longer than a hot minute. “Martin was an idiot, Louvel, an idiot who made a stupid choice that turned out better for everyone. You deserve the world, that close minded man could only offer you a gilded cage. You’re too ******* glorious to cage.” He laughed quietly, almost at hearing the words in his voice, they sounded like someone else’s for a moment; they sounded like the Jude he’d gotten his *** handed to him in Seminary school for a ridiculous halloween costume choice.

It was back to him, of course it was, and he couldn’t really avoid it. Time to fess up, the secrets, the emotions had burning a hole in him for too long. “She knew about it, you know? Anna? She knew that there was more to Austin and I, she tried to be supportive and encourage me like it was natural. I mean, what the heck? We were all friends, I had gotten close to both of them and introduced them pretty early on. Anna and I started dating, while Austin and I ended up moving in together in that awesome loft. I loved it, coming home to just chill on that huge couch we got, talk about nothing and everything. Things went pretty normally for a while...” He paused, frowning. “I guess you know this part, but i’m not sure I ever told you about the night Austin dragged me on stage.”

He adjusted his position, chin dropping to rest on his knees as they were drawn up towards his chest. “We both sang and played instruments, we’d been mucking around at home a lot, you know jamming or whatever and a few times things had gotten… Strange? Like we would get all hot and sweaty, playing for ages in the warmer months, shirts off not caring because we were just at home. We’d lean back to back, well sort of my *** is so much shorter than him.” He laughed at the memory, “But then we’d just be standing there panting, or laughing and you know me. I laugh so hard sometimes I damn near fall over, and he’d catch me with an arm around the shoulders, letting me lean on him. Then it would grow quiet, just us breathing, half laughing until it all stopped and there we were. Standing there sweating, shirtless and…” He rubbed his mouth against the denim stretched over his knee, thinking it over.

“So the night at the bar… It was open mic night, and he dragged me on stage, he made me sing. It was funny, and at first we were just normal you know, two guys jumping around, grabbing each other and sharing a mic but then, he was looking down at me, and I was staring up at him. It got to this part in the song, and the lyrics were kinda cheeky. I was dancing on him, mockingly all sexy and Anna was right there cheering and collecting the tips. The mic was between us and I tilted my head, he tilted his and it was the tiniest barrier between us and it was the first time that I felt the urge to kiss him. Louvel, I wanted to grab him so badly, to kiss him until it hurt. I felt like I was getting breathless and it was all I could do to finish the damn song.” His eyes shone, the memory clearly not at all bad, just conflicting for Jude who sat there with furrowed brow.

“She made some joke about it being hot, and maybe we’d get better tips if we had kissed. Another friend of ours had been taking photos that night, they are floating around somewhere, I know Anna kept copies. She loved them, because she loved us. It was so awkward after, Anna had to go home because she had an early exam the next day, so we got a taxi. It was dark, and when we were sitting in the back of the car…” Judah inhaled sharply, his breath shuddering as he exhaled. “He was too close, he’s tall and he’d spread out in the car, his knee was almost touching mine, his hand next to my thigh and then we both kind of just… Looked at each other. It was intense, that look, my heart was pounding so loud I felt kind of sick and my ears were ringing. I know I was breathing too hard, and his hand just brushed against me.” His eyes slid closed, shivering, “Then we got out of the car. And it was like nothing happened. We walked upstairs, said goodnight and went to bed.”

He shrugged, shaking his head. “I was so ******* confused, man, like what was that? What just happened? How drunk was I? I thought that was it, weird but i’d brush it off, no need to get all weird with my best friend… Well, best friend who wasn’t a von der Marck.” He peeked his eyes open, slumping over so that his shoulder nudged to Lou’s. “So there I am, laying in bed trying to sleep but feeling so awake when I hear footsteps. He was at my door, and he wasn’t knocking or opening it, just… I knew he was there. I got up and I went to the door.” His mind went to that moment, the way they were both just standing there, his hand hovering over the door knob until he’d heard his name. “He said “Judah” my name, so quietly and it kind of shook me, I opened the door because I was worried something was wrong. You know?” He laughed, the sound self deprecating.

“He didn’t speak again, his hands just touched the sides of my face and he was leaning down, I couldn’t move. I didn’t want to move.” He smiled, handing lifting to run his thumb back and forth over his lower lip, “He kissed me, it was so soft, so careful like he was petrified. He WAS petrified. There we were, two theology students, both with plans of attending the same seminary school, becoming Pastor’s and we were standing in my doorway in the middle of the night, in the darkness kissing. I was scared about what would happen if he stopped, so I didn’t… Didn’t let him. I pulled him inside, and I closed the door. We stood in the dark, just stood there really close, he touched my hair, then my face, my neck, my chest and so it went. We both did, we both just… Gently. I was so curious, I wanted to find every curve, trace every muscle… ****.” He shook his head, hard, knocking himself from the reverie. “Whatever… Things happen, life happens. I married Anna, didn't I? And now i’m avoiding his calls because I don’t know how to say i’m sorry, and that I want him in my life. He knows I do, he won’t give up on me but I don’t know if I can.”

[Louvel von der Marck]

<Louvel> It was one of those times when Louvel became aware that as much as he knew about his cousin, his brother in so many respects as far as the term defined, he in fact did not know everything about Judah. As Louvel shouldn’t. As close as they were growing up and even as adults they were still living their own lives apart. Things take place and not every event is shared. But what Judah just offered up in the impressive and incredibly honest reflection reminded Lou that Martin was nothing close to that for him as far as feelings went. He could take it or leave it and really hadn’t he done just that before and after Everest. He had. He was not left with an ache years later. Hell, he sent Bea a wedding gift of an interior decorator to change up Martin’s penthouse. It was a bit catty, yes, but really for what it cost him it was also done as a show of finality to the one she was marrying.

“Yes, you did. And you shared something with both of them that marked you, imprinted upon you what they meant, what they were at the moment and the power they had to take you to places that I can see, feel even now as you speak of them. And that…” Lou’s eyes felt it, the deep corners of his jaw where the muscles flexed while he paused his words. His glass in his hand felt far more fragile now that he gripped it and held it. “Makes you far more rich than I and quite possibly anyone else in our line. And you know what?” Lou looked into his glass then brought it to his lips. After a slow thoughtful sip that rolled over his tongue then down his throat. “I envy you. You still feel it, don’t you?”

He kept his eyes on Judah’s because he didn’t want to miss it. The way Judah’s face said what his lips had yet to but he could feel it. Enough so that Lou felt the extending of his hand that held his glass before he even willed it to happen. As soon as it was close enough to Judah which was a brief effort, his index finger straightened and tapped Judah on his chest where the man’s heart was safely caged beneath.

“Right there.” Then his finger moved to the side of Judah’s dark hair that was always framing his face. Lou pressed there just enough to make his point. “And there too.” It was a serious expression across Louvel’s face that went with his following words. “You lucky ********. And I say that because…” Lou knew it without even asking, he didn’t have to. It was one of those things when you hear all he just had that you just knew it would be true, a fact really. “He is still waiting for you and no matter what has happened it will be like time stood still if you want it, want him and go to him.”

The wine glass in his hand was nearly empty but Louvel and Judah were far deeper than any bottle could be responsible for bringing them. It was a sense of trust, love and a brotherly bond that brought them where they were currently and for that Louvel would stop the world from spinning to see Judah happy and getting what he was entitled to which was what was in his heart and likely his very soul. No one should miss out on having that. It was what made the world rotate, truth be worth exchanging and a future worth investing in.