Musings from the torn.

[vadablade]

I spent so long standing outside, the sun rose and fell on me, others spoke to me and some wondered why I stood there. The pain of the sun no longer haunts my skin, thanks to what I am and what I have learnt. I have watched the sun rise several times but I always find myself thinking of the past. Since coming to this city I have discovered a lot of people, a lover & keeper of my inner flame and a family to replace the others.

Pi is a lovely woman and Elliot a kind but shy man, both always looking out for me and Doc is a strong brotherly figure, alas I don't talk to him much. I met Mortll, a woman that seems nice and kind. Finally Klara, the keeper of my inner flame. I can not describe the words I feel for her, she was the only woman to rekindle the flames of my heart and keep them burning. But there seems a distance growing between us that is entirely my fault.

She wants to know my past, where I aquired the scares and cuts under my shirt, the wounds inside my soul. It seems funny to think I have a soul, who knew that you were right Alice? I have been walking around thinking what I should do, and here I sit, quill resting in my hand as I tap the ink pot and carefully think what I should write. Oddly I have already written so much, yet I haven't written anything.

It was so much easier when I held you Alice, my little doll girl. I still remember adrians face when you slipped from his embrace and walked to me, the so called soft one. I hadn't yet killed anyone and that is what you liked the most. Would you look at me with disgust to know of all the people I have slaughtered now? Klara asks me how I am, her eyes seem to look at me like yours did, drilling into my core. I find myself unable to lie to her, even over little things like the colour of grass.

I may tell Klara my true name one day Alice, but for now I walk these streets with the name you gave me, remember that night? You were out getting bread and Adrian took Clive and I on a job. He took a bullet to the leg and Clive took 5 to the chest. I ended up being carved by a dagger when you found us. The look on your face causing me to enter that bloodlust and kill everyone with that same dagger. It was you mumbling vada that got my attention, and then blade that caused me to calm. I never did ask you why you said those 2 words, but the name stuck.

I should see if anyone from the old group is still running around, but they wouldn't know me anymore. Pi gave me a curse that seems to be ripping me apart inside. I longed for this power, I chose it and welcomed it, but is it all I am now? I find myself loosing touch with who I was, who I wanted to be, and it is draining me. Each step I have taken in my new life has taken me further from who I was. I tried to play with a dog the other day, it barked at me and tried to tear my arm off. I miss those days I could lay with our shepherd and ragdoll, now the cats hiss and dogs try to kill me Alice.

One day I will have to show Klara the closed doors of my past, the photos we took whilst we roamed. Would she understand? Would she run? All these thoughts running through my mind has left me feeling detached. I hope my mind will come to closure about this curse I have taken. I wouldn't ever want to remove it, but I still need to come to terms with it.

I have been walking the streets looking over the water a lot, seems I have a lot of things I need to correct before I can understand who I am now. I will need to find a new strength inside me as it feels I have lost the earth mother and the shadow queen. Maybe I will find them again, or maybe I have already found their embodiment in this city.

Klara is nearly back and I have cleaning to do, I may return if I find the time. Farewell my twisted mind, may you find the serenity you crave.