Giornale

[Cosimo Alessi (DELETED 6612)]

12/6/15
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I started writing two weeks ago. I have torn those pages out to start fresh.

I write in English because everyone here, they speak English. And it is good for me to practice.

This, if found, will be read as fiction. That is fine by me. And I will start here, tonight. Because my brief interlude as a sewer interloper is too shameful to recite. I read first what is now burning in the fire not far from me, and I was filled with shame. I do not need that part of my life now, because my life has changed forever. For eternity.

I met a woman on the street. She was trying to break into a building. I swore, and she was insulted. The conversation was instigated. And from that singular conversation she must have thought that she could rise me from my position in the gutter.

I had lice. I won't lie. I did not know it then but I figured it out later. I cannot imagine how I must have smelled. But she did not seem to care. My life has changed and I cannot tell you whether it is for good or for bad, or even whether I like it so much. But to Elizbaeth, in any case, I am indebted. I did not have a path to follow. I did not have a roof over my head or a cent to my name. But now I have both, and I have a goal.

Perhaps I can become a better thief than she.

[Cosimo Alessi (DELETED 6612)]

13/6/15
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There are poisoned humans.

I do wonder if they've been left out in the sun too long. Twice, I have been poisoned trying to take blood out on the streets. Hidden, mind you. I have a... power, I suppose you call it, where I can drink the blood of a human anywhere and at any time without being seen. Somehow, I am able to avert the attention of any onlooker.

This, sadly, does not make the quality of the blood any better.

Look at me, talking about blood in regards to quality. It should disgust me. It should not be a topic I can talk about at all without averting my eyes in shame - for I am not sure I can blush anymore. Can I? I do not feel the heat in my cheeks. To drink blood - it should inspire in me a disgust, or some kind of terror.

But instead I am fascinated. It tastes good. It tastes as good as my Ma's Bolognaise, and that is saying something. I have tried the packs as both Elizabeth and Alexandrea have recommended, but they are not the same. I find that I prefer it... fresh.

But, to return to the former point. Too many humans are poisoned. Whether or not they recognise me and will now use that recognition against me, I do not know. If only I could explain that I will not harm them. I just need a little...

But that is creepy. No? Creepy.

Elizabeth has offered me the use of her 'thrall', Elise. I am very thankful for it. Tonight I feel better than I have all week.

[Cosimo Alessi (DELETED 6612)]

14/6/15
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I do not know how I feel.

There is a recent part of my life that I prefer not to mention. I think I have already said as much. It is enough to say that for five minutes, I was hunting the very thing which I have now become. I was an initiate Paladin. I may not have known what I was doing there. But there I was. And there, for five minutes, I formed connections. Small ones. Fleeting connections. But underneath all this skin we are all just human, are we not? We do crave company. We do crave those of a like mind.

I was told of the catacombs. I went to hunt, to practice, to seek treasure. The only way to get to these catacombs is through the sewer system. The sewer system is where the Paladins keep their bases. It is where I lived, for a short period.

I might have known that I would collide with someone I knew. But I never did think that I would kill them.

I did not do it out of cold blood. For several seconds we each stared at each other. We each did not know what to do, or how to react; he knew what I had become.

But he called me 'traitor'. A cold light filled his eyes and he no longer recognised me. I no longer recognised him. This man who had shown me pictures of his family. We had laughed together. He had come from Italy, too. A similar background to my own. But that did not matter to him anymore. It did not matter to him that I was the same person, but with an upgrade. He called me demon and spat at my feet, and pulled his weapon.

I thought for sure that he would kill me, but I got there first. I beheaded the man that I once called friend.

And I do not know how I feel about it. I do not know whether I am angry. Whether I am sad. Whether I think I am the demon he accused me of being.

But maybe I am not. Maybe he is the demon, because he could not see the light of reason.

[Cosimo Alessi (DELETED 6612)]

15/6/15
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I still do not know how I feel.

But for a different reason.

Elise. She is a human under Elizabeth's care. Human, I say, as if that is a thing I can no longer call myself. Which I cannot, in all justification, call myself human any more.

• noun
  1.
  any individual of the genus Homo, especially a member of the species Homo sapiens.
  2.
  a person, especially as distinguished from other animals or as representing the human species

Am I still a Homo Sapien? Or do I go further and try to find the scientific definition of a homo sapien? More than I can be bothered to do tonight, I think. Perhaps there should be a definition for vampires. A variation on the homo sapien.

But that is not why I was writing. Elise. Definite homo sapien. Perfectly willing to offer herself up as 'dinner' every night, because she is happy to help. Is she, or is she just doing as she is told? And will I kill her, slowly, if I were to take from her each evening and not give her time to replenish her blood supply? I do not know. Perhaps I will only take blood from her in emergencies.

But I do ponder why someone would be so willing. I asked her what it felt like and she said she did not remember. Not only does she offer me her blood, but she is willing to forget; to have these bits of her day that just disappear, because she cannot remember.

Maybe I should buy her some flowers.

[Cosimo Alessi (DELETED 6612)]

18/7/15
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I have not written for long time.

Maybe I have been too busy, or too much has happened that I cannot get it all straight. Or I do not yet know how I feel about it all.

I have not just stumbled into this life and kept to the edges of it. I have dived in headfirst and there will be no looking back, now. There are too many who depend on me. Do they not?

I have done to others what Elizabeth did to me. I have created vampires with my own blood, and it is... odd to think about. That they are now immortal because of me. But I cannot feel guilt, because it is something that each of them wanted. They asked for it. They have, so far, given me no reason to regret. They are quiet. I need to check on them. But, I have been distracted.

I have not mentioned Athena yet. I met her in the Quarantine Zone, weeks ago. We did not get along. Most of the time, we did not get along. She likes to yell at me. I do not know why. She does not even know why. It is one of the things we argued about. But she intrigued me. She is a mystery. She is feisty, and independent. But she has been open with me. I know a lot about her past, and she knows a lot about mine. Not everything. But enough.

We slept in the same bed. She had stitched up a wound given me by a fadebeast. I fell asleep in her bed and she did not kick me out.

I bought an apartment that is not in Ivory Towers. No one knows about it but Athena. I did not do that on purpose. I have not had the opportunity to tell anyone else. But I think I like it. The privacy. She had some books to give to me and I invited her over.

I did not know what I was feeling. I still do not know. I did not want her to leave. And she continued to touch me in such a way. Simple touches, to the arm. The hand. A brush of a kiss against my cheek. I did not want her to leave. I kissed her.

I thought she might slap me. Yell at me. But she did not. She kissed me back. I struggled to keep her there, but she did stay. We slept on the couch together. Just slept. I felt happy. Satisfied. I underestimate the human need for touch. We are all still human, at the core, are we not? There is a comfort in touch. Maybe I should have been aroused but it was not that kind of desire that I felt. It was warmth, rather than a smothering heat. There was passion, but... I do not know how to understand it. I remember, back in Italy. I remember kissing a woman and wanting to tear her clothes from her body. It was a selfish need for self-satisfaction and maybe I was never thinking of her. Of the other woman. I cannot even remember their names. The best that I can think? In the past, it has been about physical want. I kiss Athena because it is a comfort. But it is her company that I prefer. This is an emotional want. Perhaps, a psychological want.

But I am broken. I know this. I think about it now and I should retreat, before we get too tangled. I will be a disappointment. But I can satisfy in other ways, can I not? I cannot bring myself to retreat. I hunger for her company. It is a hunger that I feel. A man starved for something that is within his reach. Just. It is a connection that I hunger for.

I feel affection for my sire, this is true. Maybe too much, at times. I am protective of her. Even when her husband returned, he had every right to chase her, to convince her that they loved each other. But she had forgotten. And they were pushing too much. I did not like the way they were pushing, and though Shamus has tried to make me see that he means her no harm, I still lack trust. Why did he leave to begin with? How can any man leave someone he claims to love?

I want Elizabeth to meet Athena. But... not yet. I will go, now. I will check on the Ivory Tower. I have not seen Elise in a long time, and I will not want her to worry. I will collect Artu and bring him to the new apartment.

I will write more often.