I turn around and there he is wafting in the corner of the room. The darkness clouds everything but the outline of his features. He is faded, I can see the wall through what would be his body. It's called guilt they said. I see him because I am guilty for what I did to him.
It's not guilt. It's not what I did to him but what he did to me. He is stuck on me like glue because I am his. His possession to torment. The instrument he uses to hurt people around me, simple solution is not to get close. No one needs to know. No friends, no family. No one. I will handle this, like I always have, on my own.
Entry 2:
Nights are long, I go to work but now the customers sense something is wrong with me. I am not as chipper as I use to be. I smile, laugh along with their jokes but it's missing. That part of me. It's all missing. A void! And empty shell.
Entry 3:
I had a dream today. I am writing it down because the cold I felt waking up. I don't know if it was real or not.
The snow packed down on the ground, like most canadian winters. The branches of the tree were dead awaiting new life to spring from the ends, green bits that would hint the snow would receed. I was laying watching the stars in the night sky when something whizzed past. I wanted to get up and play with it, the giggle formed in my throat but when I looked around nothing was there.
I went in search of it following the footsteps on the ground, impacted in the snow. I followed them down to a stream and lost the footprints. I looked back behind me to see drops of red blood in the white snow. They were so out of place.
I crouched to touch them with my finger covering the tips in the crimson red. The blood smeared but still whatever it was i had lost it. I couldn't find the source of the blood, it was gone.
A butterfly flew past. A butterfly with bright blue and black wings. The bloody appendages reached out to snag the blue flying fairy bug but missed. I went chasing it until I couldn't spot where I was. In every direction it all looked strange and by now the butterfly was gone. It had flown away before I could snatch it from the air.
Weird dream. It doesn't take a genius to know what it meant. Even the Doctor doesn't have to tell me, I already know.
Entry 4:
Blood, everywhere. Blood and parts that once formed a person. Entrails decorated the walls like streamers for a party. A leg sat on the couch barren from the rest of the body. I blinked, it was all gone. Just like that. It went poof!
So I went to work, there was no use staying at home. Maybe a few tattoo pieces will bring me out of this or maybe it would only make it worse. The receptionist is cutting back my customers by giving me bigger pieces. I know she is doing it on purpose. Maybe someone told her to do it. That *****! This is the only thing I have left right now, and I am not going to blow it. I even brought her a mud pie, with worms. Hopefully she will pack my schedule like she use to do.
Entry 5:
This is getting tiresome. I hate having to take the time to write down. It's not important. Not to me anyway! Why do I bother to keep writing?
Entry 6:
I tried to hit him but he sidestepped from me. I can't bring myself to talked to him much. Not about his leaving or what happened after. He isn't pushing me to talk, or not after I threw that vase at his head. He will wait, wait for how long though.
Come and or go. Go and or come. It really doesn't matter, does it? I've lost the important things by my own doing. It serves as a reminder, a purpose to not lose my mind again. Even if the ghost is just sitting there watching and waiting. He is waiting to strike, but I will ignore him this time. Ignoring it makes it go away. pretending it is not there, pretending everything is still okay.
Entry 7:
Luna finally talked to me. it was small, nothing important. She asked for a pen. But she spoke to me and it's the first time in over a week. Last time was ouch, because I stepped on her foot. I did it deliberately but made it look like an accident. I just needed to hear her voice.
It wasn't just me who lost them, she lost them. I don't think she is going to forgive me, or him for taking them away from her.
I can see it in her eyes, she hates us. Maybe that is why she has been hanging out in the ganglands recently. She comes home and goes right to bed. No words, no food. just sleep. I'm worried about her but it's not like I have anyone to tell.
I let the fireflies go. All those jars of them were silly to keep. No wonder no one liked them. They are bugs. Real, I have to be real. I have to be normal. I have to think normal thoughts, about people, about life.
I don't see things normal. There was rainbows in the sky, even at night. I seen them from the moonlight in the mist. But they faded away. They weren't always in the right order of colors, but they were there. Now, they are not. Normal is not seeing rainbows, not giving people fire flies. That is not normal, that is not a good present.
No, that is abnormal. It is time to wake up from this bad dream.
Entry 9:
I remembered my dad, visited his grave. I laid down a watch he gave me before he died, the one he said use to be his. I gave it back to him. I laid it down in the dirt under the grass. I talked to his gravestone like it was him. I told him everything that happened and I swear I heard his voice but when I seen the shadow move, I knew it wasn't him but the other one. He likes to play games like that. He's not a good man, no he's bad. He won't leave me alone so I ignored him. Ignore him and he will go away, right? Right.
I kept talking to my dad though. It helped. I felt better, like he was still there for a minute. He isn't sick anymore, he isn't in pain. Isn't that what they always say. He's with his wife in heaven? My mother. She left us when I was younger, but are they really together holding hands on some cloud above our heads or is that what they want us to believe. Instead their bodies are in the ground, under our feet. Am I suppose to believe their spirit is flying in the sky together or it just faded away like his body is rotting in the ground? i don't know what to believe anymore. Why didn't I make him a vampire and give him a longer life? I know I didn't know what I was, but if one drop of blood made it to him would I be standing over his grave?
Entry 10:
The receptionist turned up the music when I was talking to the client on the table. She made sure the music cut in over my voice. Hint much? The guy looked offended, he wasn't happy but at least he liked the skull I used to cover the old tattoo on his arm. It use to be some scribbled tribal mess. Now it looks like a lovely skull tattoo.
When I left that night, the girl just glared at me. Missing all that work, she wasn't pleased as fast as I vanished, I returned. I tried to tell her I was in the hospital but she didn't seem to care. Let her go take up her issues with Vel or Micah. I'd really like to see her do that.
I show up, I do my job. People have no qualms about my work, the art on their bodies. I am not doing anything wrong, I am just not like I use to be.
Entry 11:
I seen a little girl, I almost went over and picked her up. What was she doing out that late? It was late. Maybe she wasn't really there. Maybe I am seeing things again.
Entry 12:
I need to kill time, find a hobby. I tried counting the fibers of the carpet, but that got boring. I tried rearranging the apartment and cleaning it. It's all squeaky clean. Luna came home and laid on the couch. She closed her eyes and didn't even notice how clean it was.
When I woke up she was gone again. I looked in the fridge, she didn't eat. But the message on the phone, hers was left on the counter, said she was working to save money. She needed a lot of money. I wonder what for, and wonder what kind of work she is doing?
I tried to talk to her about her not eating. She grabbed a slice of bread stuffed it in her mouth and walked out to 'go to work'.
Entry 13:
I like looking at him. When he is sleeping, I look at him. Sometimes I sit on the edge of the bed and watch him sleep. He looks so peaceful, it reminds me why I married him. I leave before I can wake him up, he never knows I am there. I am still mad at him. He left. Without a word, he just left.
Chances are he will do it again. But I miss him sometimes. I miss hearing his laugh.
Entry 14:
I hate this! I hate everyone! Leave me alone! LEAVE ME ALONE! I HATE YOU!
I WILL KILL YOU! I .......
Ok, this thing is really making me mad. When did I write that? I don't remember writing that down. And it's not in the pink pen I write with. Something isn't right. I am pretty sure that's written in blood.
I followed her. She doesn'tknow I did. It's strange following behind someone, watching what they are doing, but I did it. I followed her into the ganglands to see if she is doing drugs. She was grabbing up dimebags, meth and syringes. She wasn't doing the drugs, she walked out just as she walked in and brought them into the store. The guy she spoke with in the store was creepy. His skin, it was his skin. There was sores and blisters all over his cheeks. Not good looking ones. His hair was balding, thin and straggled. It wasn't healthy looking hair. He wasn't healthy looking. I wouldn't drink from him.
He was twitchy in his movements. Luna, though, she was cool and calm. He gave her money for the things she was stealing from the ganglands. At least she isn't doing the drugs. That is what I worried about. One problem down.
Next one: Getting her to talk to me.
Entry 16:
I locked her in the bathroom. I put traps on the other side of the door so she couldn't get out. She wasn't pleased. She didn't yell or scream at me. She just sat there waiting for me to let her out. I put food on the floor carefully around the traps. I waited. Just waited for her to say anything.
She didn't. She didn't eat, she didn't talk. I left the room when i heard her stomach growl. When I came back in the plate was empty. She is eating, at least I know that.
She still won't talk.
Entry 17:
I let her out of the bathroom. It wasn't going to work. She looked at me, shook her head and walked out of the house. I went into the bathroom, clean up the plate on the mirror in bright red lipstick the words, Not and Ready. I cleaned it off the mirror without looking at the weird reflection.
I understand. I am not talking to my Emmy. More time for her.
Entry 18:
At least she is eating now. I stocked the fridge with food, cooked and laid out a good meal. She ate. Her stomach growled while she slept. Before she could wake up I had a buffet of food waiting for her. She ate.
While she ate I put on a movie, some kind of anime thing. She sat on the couch and watched. This is progress. I didn't quite get what the anime was about, when I mentioned it she almost spoke but handed me a comic book instead. I was so close.
Entry 19:
I give up. She won't talk at all. It's like the cat stole her tongue. I never understood that phrase. Why would a cat steal your tongue? That's gross.
She didn't go out tonight, that is an improvement. She is fighting the urge not to talk and I tried so hard to get her to talk. Last time she spoke, she asked for a pen. That was forever ago! I just give up. If she doesn't want to talk, fine. We won't talk.
Entry 20:
If she won't talk to me, I will talk to myself for her. We had a great conversation. It was both funny and wise. Of course it was about nothing, but aren't those the best conversations. I talked for her in a different voice. She smiled, she laughed. She almost said something, then grabbed her bag and left the apartment.
Entry 21:
I was asleep when I felt something tug on me. I screamed out, lashed out. Nothing was there. Luna was in the doorway, she was scared. I could tell from how fast her heart was beating. I said it was just a daymare. I went back to sleep, again the tugging. I must have screamed because this time Luna was sitting on the bed. She might not be talking to me when I am awake, she talks to me when I am sleeping. She was reassuring me it was okay, in a calm steady voice. I must have calmed back down because I think I heard her leaving the room.
A stab of pain ran down my side, my body was soaking wet. I sat up in the bed, Luna fell on the floor and scurried back against the wall. I felt my side, no damage. I felt the bed, it was bone dry. Another saying I don't get. Bones are wet, inside the body covered in blood. Why is something bone dry when they are wet.
But the bed was dry, so was I. Luna came back on the bed. I laid back down knowing it wasn't time for me to be up. This time Luna stayed on the bed, her excuse was she was getting tired of running back and forth. She spoke - to me. I don't know if she knew I was awake or not, but she spoke to me.
I didn't have any weird dreams after that, if they were dreams. Did the ghost do this so I couldn't ignore him. He is getting weaker, appearing less and less. Is ignoring him really working? Or is he just reserving his energy like last time?? So many questions, I think I should send Luna away for a little bit just in case it is reserving the energy to force me to attack again. She got hurt the last time, I won't let it happen again.
I tried to brush the knots out like the girl in the salon does. It hurt. It yanked my head back and ripped out some of the strands. I am never doing that again. I need to go back to see Jolie, but she is busy when I go in. it's been a while. The nurses tried to brush my hair once when I was inside that building. They didn't try again, I don't know why. I asked one but she just looked scared of me. It's really weird why people act so strange like that. I need to go see Jolie, she is the only one who can do it right.
Entry 23:
I walked up to him, my hand lashed out and slit his throat from one end to the other. "Now, we can talk." I told him. I feel better that he bled. He can't talk, so we can't talk, but soon we can talk, it won't take him long to heal then we can talk. I don't know what we would say to each other.
Talking is odd, peculiar that words impact people like they do. Words, they are words, but when you speak the words they mean something else. Even the way you speak them mean something else. Words.
I seen the corner moving. I just ignored it, kept cooking. I didn't let it scare me, and it didn't. But you know when you see something move from the corner of your eye and instinct says turn your head in that direction, don't. Don't look. Don't pay attention to it. Don't feed the demons. Release the demons, let them go and they go away. They are hungry, starving for attention but if you don't give them attention then they can't harm you. Or at least that is what the nuns told me.
Entry 24:
There was metal things covering her ears. I don't get it. She said they were metal elf ears she made with bendable metal and beads. She looked it up on youtube, showed me but I still don't get why she put them on her ear. It was part of her elven costume, she said. She also told me it was just as weird that I brushed my hair with a fork trying to get knots out. In my defense the little mermaid, Ariel, did it.
It kind of freaks me out when she wears outfits like that, made of plastic stuff. Luna says it makes her feel pretty, so I don't say anything more. But some of the outfits are just weird.
I sat in front of a computer today. I just wanted to see, know I am not as crazy like people think I am. I searched, but I am not so good at things.
Jayd was better at them, but I am trying. I found stuff or I think it was stuff. After it was all printed out and inside a folder I left it for Luna. She worked with Jayd maybe she could make more sense of it. I am not crazy, not as crazy as people think. There is a ghost! There is. It's here, it's always hanging around somewhere.
I just need proof of it. I just need something.. there has to be something or someone who can help, someone else who can see it there. I am not the only one, I can't be. There has to be some way, someone who can help this. Somewhere. Maybe over the rainbow, but not in Oz. The wizard isn't hiding behind the screen anymore, he is dancing around in front of the emerald green curtain doing the peanut butter and jelly dance.
The rain, the snow, the rain, the snow.
It all falls down.
Plop, plop, fat drops to the earth.
Soak into the ground.
Making some pretty flowers.
To pick.
To Sniff.
To decorate when you kill them.
I killed people. Not just one, a few. I killed the kid when I was a kid with a stick. Others say it was self defense, but he wasn't going to kill me, just put his floppy in my disc drive. He wasn't going to kill me, hurt a little, maybe he would have.
Then I killed people after I turned. A nurse, after I was turned. I was hungry but I didn't know what I was or what I was doing. There was a few people, I don't really remember how or why. I know it happened. My mind isn't what it use to be, maybe never was. I killed people. I am a murderer.
Entry 26:
I seen a rainbow. It had gray, blue, red and purple. I think those are the colors anyway. I get them confused sometimes. It was there, right over the city lights when it rained. Bright lights from the lamp posts, the stars were bright in the sky and a light drizzle. Poof, night time rainbow. You can't see them in the moonlight if you aren't looking.
They are hard to see. In the sky, at night. In the moonlight, with the stars shining. It's bright like the sun. I remember the sun. Mostly from inside the buildings, inside behind the glass. When I worked during the day, in the light not in the night. I found the days long and the nights short. Working class, blue collar workers.
I worked to pay the bills, to put food on the table and to help my father pay his bills. Sometimes two jobs, sometimes three but I needed to spend time with daddy too. He was dying, dying away from the parasite inside his body. The cancer that grew, the treatments that made him sick. It was hard to get him well, never healthy again. It's weird how people can go years with this lump inside them but not know, not get sick from it. When they find it, then they get sick from the treatments. They get sick and fragile. The doctors make them sicker, trying to get them better but worse.
Entry 27:
We went to a party, a private family party. I just stood there looking around wondering why I was there. I tried not to noticed things but they are noticable. I stood there quiet with Emmy. I couldn't take it anymore. I needed to leave. They don't believe me, they don't see him. They don't know he is there, but Emmy. He believes me. He doesn't see him but he believes me.
Him and I talked, not a long talk but there was meaning in the words. A couple, us two together. He needs to see that, to get that. We work on things together but he didn't know that. He says he isn't use to that, of someone being on his side. Isn't that how it works? Isn't it why things are like that, marriage and all. Together you work on things, fix the things that are broken in your life with someone holding your hand because they believe in you when no one else doesn't. It's not about the bedroom, it's not about the kissing. It's about fixing things and being there.
The same goes for friendship, but in a different way. It just goes to show who really cares when times get tough. Maybe if you can't see someone elses ghosts, it's not that they aren't there because to them they are. To them, in their mindeye, they are everywhere and being a friend is believing not in the ghost but in the friend that they believe they see it. Instead of running away, instead of hiding. But then it just means they are not really real friends.
Oh well. Right? Oh well, it happens when you believe in things that aren't real, when you believe in people who aren't really real. I can't see the fae in the forrest but I know they are there. I can feel their eyes on me. They move too fast to see, but they are there. You get hit by them, but what if they weren't them. What if they were goblins and we got it all wrong. What if they are trolls, or unicorn people. What if... no one I know has ever really seen a fae because they blur by so quickly. So... what if...
They coud be some ancient race of demons surrounding the city to keep us locked in, before they thought of planes and cars and boats. But they aren't trying to keep the world safe, they are trying to control us, minion like peoples. They are trying to cage us in like rats, to experiment on us. Aliens! They are aliens with probes. It wouldn't surprise me if vampires start saying they have been abducted and probed in the booty!
Entry 28:
I killed again. Gangsters, their bosses and even their bosses bosses. I am not a good person. Everyone thought I was good but then I do bad things. Bad things happen to good people, or do good people go bad from all the bad things around them. Good or bad, bad or good. What is right and wrong? Is it wrong to kill someone doing bad things or is it wrong to stand by and watch, or worse look away like nothing is going on. They were people, and I killed them. Just like I kill the men in the sewers trying to guard it, make it safe for the rats. No, I am a killer, a murderer.
Many of the prophets of Jesus's time were thought to just be mad men, just sort of crazy people who were claiming to channel the divine. Perhaps that means we should be a little less judgmental of some of our own crazies talking to themselves or seeing things. The people in the asylum might actually have found a pretty comfortable place in Jesus's time.
God gave me some weird, beautiful scent that makes men and women go crazy. It doesn't smell like wild cherry blossoms or jasmine. Roses didn't grow in the field of the mind, it was a barren waste land of cess. Garbage that floods the mind like poison killing all good inside. You'd just be amazed what people will do, in the right time and place. You really would, if you can believe it. And not crazy people, just your normal average Joe Smoe. Ostensibly normal people, with flaws and imperfections. When the right person touches the right button in someone, you can get them to do almost anything or hypnotise them.
I have seen some crazy people do some crazy things. I have to stop and ask them a lot of the time, just how they figured out that they could do the things that they do, some of it is just plain freaky. Like pull a spaghetti noodle from inside their nose to come out their eye socket. A spaghetti touched their eyeball. Maybe in 10 years they will get cancer from it. Who knows?
We're never gonna get rid of crazy people, no we are not. They've been around for thousands of years and they'll continue to be around; they'll continue to do horrible things that will make your blood curdle and your face cringe. Because the sad part is, everyone is crazy in their own way. No one is really normal. Normality doesn't exist, it is what the foxes try to convince the sheep to dress, to act like. They tell people how to be, they meddle in the affairs of people from far away being influenced by their money, their power. They lie because those normal people **** and piss like everyone else. They lie because they are crazy too.
Each episode is a self-contained unit of madness. Normality sucks the life out of people, says you have to work in a job that will drain the energy from you, that will lock you out of the sunshine to survive and meet your basic needs. What are the real basic needs, let's take for example mortals; to eat, to sleep, to breath, to drink.
Some would saying having a roof over their head and clothes on their backs as well, but no, this is not true. Clothing and roofs are luxeries. We are not born dressed, we are born naked. What seperates us from all other species, is that we put garments on our bodies to keep warm, to keep modest. But that is not how it was meant to be. Society tells us, even made laws of it, to put cloth over our bodies and cover them. It is not a basic need but human need. The same goes for a roof. We are all gods creatures, even evolved mortals or aka vampires. We were once a mortal being.
You can take away the clothes, the roofs and survive. You cannot take away some form of food be it drink or meal, you cannot take away air not even from the vampires. Even the vampires need to breathe because that is part of communication. Everyone needs to sleep, to let their bodies rest or they break down. These are the basic needs.
Another is companionship, it isn't a need but it is what people crave. Even the most solitude of persons, the meanest. Sometimes they are just tired of being hurt so they show it by lashing out in anger. Sometimes it's the crazy people who turn out to be not so crazy.
Being crazy isn't enough. I am considered mad by the rest of the society only because my intelligence isn't understood; it's something to be craddled like a butterfly and set free. I am crazy therefore I am free.
Entry 30:
I didn't belong anywhere and I never really belonged to anyone. And everyone else belonged somewhere; to someone. People thought I was too wonderful, to sweet. But I only wanted to belong to someone. People never thought I was too wonderful to belong to them or that something too wonderful would hurt too much to lose. And that's why I loved him-- because he just thought I was crazy, he just didn't know it was for him.
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, It makes you whole and to see the world through different eyes and different views from what you onced believed. It shows you something else in life new experiences, new prepectives. While loving someone deeply gives you courage, courage to believe and courage to embrace what wasn't there. It takes only a leap of faith, faith in something unseen but felt. It brings you closer to that person, closer to yourself and closer to whatever god you believe in. It brings light where there was darkness, but only in that darkness can we see the light.
To love means loving the unlovable in those small moments when you are about to give up on everything/everyone. To forgive means pardoning the unpardonable no matter the crime. Faith means believing the unbelievable in the unseen, unknowing. Hope means hoping when everything seems hopeless when there is nothing left to live for but you go on anyway. Love, faith, forgiveness, hope. All of it in the eyes of one, all of it when I see you. The crime of loving is forgetting the small infractions for the bigger picture. You can't forgive without loving, and I do forgive you. And I don't mean sentimentality nor do I don't mean mushy. I mean having enough courage to stand up and say, "I love you because you are what forges my mind mind, my life, my heart into wings that keep me soaring." You can't stop loving or wanting to love because when its right, at the right time and moment, it's the best thing in the world. When you're in a relationship and its good, even if nothing else in your life is right without them, you feel like your whole world, whole heart, is complete.
