5/1/2015
I’ve seen Clover write in her journal countless times. I’ve often wondered why...why write and not just talk to someone? Maybe there are so many things inside of her head that she needs to get out but doesn’t know where to put them. So she has her journal. For every thought that she needs to get out. That is why I have decided to start one of my own. I talk...I talk a lot. To everyone and everything. But sometimes, what comes out of my mouth isn’t enough. Sometimes I need to say more and I can’t. Sometimes I feel I cannot say what I want because someone will be upset or mad at me. And that’s the last thing I want...to upset anyone. This will be a safer place for some of my thoughts and words. Also, it might just help organize the chaos that goes on in my mind sometimes. Because so much happens...and it makes things hard and confusing.
Where should I start? Probably with the biggest issue right now. My sire and Velveteen. I don’t understand how it got the level of craziness that it is at now. I don’t understand why people let words escalate into something so big! I feel like I’m back in Jr. High...which honestly wasn’t that long ago for me. Someone starts calling names and being disrespectful and another person jumps in to defend, but in that defending is just as disrespectful. Both sides are angry. But how do stupid words become such violence!? Because Velveteen is called a *****, she decides to take out all the pent up anger and frustration she’s had towards my sire out on him in the form of attacking him constantly and having her wraith Stephen….whom I actually liked, he was nice to me….attack Victor? Not only that but kill his wife...the one person I was just starting to get close to...because she raised up a hand to defend him? Kill her and completely and disgustingly disrespect her remains. Kicked the ashes and blew them in Victor’s face. Who does that? Does being a vampire for so long destroy any bit of humanity one has? I can see it changing me...but never to that extent, I don’t think...at least I hope not. Anyway, back to the point at hand. Velveteen has been beating up on Victor for over a week now. I don’t understand why he doesn’t fight back. I don’t get it. He tries to explain, but I am struggling to grasp the concept. I don’t understand how not hitting is keeping his pride.
I think this whole mess is stupid and needs to be done with. I wish it wouldn’t end in my sire’s inevitable death, but it is what it is and no one can do anything about it.
~Kaelyn~
Metamorphosis (Kaelyn's Journal)
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Kaelyn
- Registered User
- Posts: 414
- Joined: 09 Nov 2014, 04:15
Re: Metamorphosis (Kaelyn's Journal)
5/2/2015
I think today I’d like to go back in time a little bit. The month of December was probably my hardest as a vampire, yet. I lost my family. It was shortly after I had “died” of cancer and became this creature. Shortly after Victor saved me. My entire existence is owed to him. This experience has created a bond towards him I don’t think I’d ever be able to have towards another. I love him dearly. I strive to please him, to make him proud. I try hard not to be that mistake that so many said i was. But as those first few months slid by, I slowly kept becoming that...becoming what I was terrified to be. A regret. A mistake. Something he no longer wanted. I hurt his and Kenlie’s feelings when I couldn’t look to them and see them as parents. It was so fresh….it’s still fresh. I just lost my own mom. I just lost my own real family. I am and was so happy to have this new chance at life, but it didn’t stop the pain from settling in that I had lost everything else. I argued, I didn’t follow direct orders always. I made them angry, I disappointed….I became what they didn’t want. They wanted a child so bad and I turned out to be the opposite of what they hoped for. I tried to stay close...I tried to be theirs, but I tried too hard. And it got me kicked out of my newly acquired home within a week of seeing it….just before Christmas. From that day through March, I saw my sire twice. Once because I was attacked. My arm was taken from me. It was my first wound. I freaked out. He stayed one evening with me. Promised to come check on me the next day and I didn’t see him again until I found him at The Handlebar one night. I wanted to introduce my new friend and soon to be roommate, Kane to him. It went well. There was no fighting or arguing or yelling. It was a good night...until I saw Kenlie and panicked. The back and forth between Kenlie and myself is what made me lose everything to begin with. So I’ve struggled to be around her. In fear that I mess up or get in trouble again. In fear of angering her. So I stay quiet and don’t speak.
During this time, I became very close with other members of the family. Jesse looked after me, helped me, take care of me. He’s treated me as if I were his own childe. I feel safe with him. I feel I can be myself and not fear with him. Same with his fiancee, Grey. I would be lost if it weren’t for those two. Recently over the past month, I have become close with Clover and Axel. They have helped me in many ways as well. I’ve had many to help and guide while I did not have my sire. However...I still missed him horribly.
This month has been crazy with the whole Andras/Velveteen stuff going on. It oddly enough has brought me and my sire back together though. I see him almost daily now. I feel he is more patient with me and I don’t have to be so careful. I still try though. I don’t want to be rude or those other things they tell me I am. I want to be more what they want. And so far, it’s working. Victor and Kenlie have both accepted me and are slowly accepting me for who I am. I think they know and understand that I never mean to upset them or hurt them. That’s never my purpose...I don’t want to upset anyone. But we are all in a good place now. Well, not Kenlie...she’s dead...but I mean in an emotional stance, we are good. We are a family again. This is all I wanted...to be accepted, loved and to have my family. Let’s hope it stays good like this. I don’t want to lose them all over again. It’s too painful.
~Kaelyn~
I think today I’d like to go back in time a little bit. The month of December was probably my hardest as a vampire, yet. I lost my family. It was shortly after I had “died” of cancer and became this creature. Shortly after Victor saved me. My entire existence is owed to him. This experience has created a bond towards him I don’t think I’d ever be able to have towards another. I love him dearly. I strive to please him, to make him proud. I try hard not to be that mistake that so many said i was. But as those first few months slid by, I slowly kept becoming that...becoming what I was terrified to be. A regret. A mistake. Something he no longer wanted. I hurt his and Kenlie’s feelings when I couldn’t look to them and see them as parents. It was so fresh….it’s still fresh. I just lost my own mom. I just lost my own real family. I am and was so happy to have this new chance at life, but it didn’t stop the pain from settling in that I had lost everything else. I argued, I didn’t follow direct orders always. I made them angry, I disappointed….I became what they didn’t want. They wanted a child so bad and I turned out to be the opposite of what they hoped for. I tried to stay close...I tried to be theirs, but I tried too hard. And it got me kicked out of my newly acquired home within a week of seeing it….just before Christmas. From that day through March, I saw my sire twice. Once because I was attacked. My arm was taken from me. It was my first wound. I freaked out. He stayed one evening with me. Promised to come check on me the next day and I didn’t see him again until I found him at The Handlebar one night. I wanted to introduce my new friend and soon to be roommate, Kane to him. It went well. There was no fighting or arguing or yelling. It was a good night...until I saw Kenlie and panicked. The back and forth between Kenlie and myself is what made me lose everything to begin with. So I’ve struggled to be around her. In fear that I mess up or get in trouble again. In fear of angering her. So I stay quiet and don’t speak.
During this time, I became very close with other members of the family. Jesse looked after me, helped me, take care of me. He’s treated me as if I were his own childe. I feel safe with him. I feel I can be myself and not fear with him. Same with his fiancee, Grey. I would be lost if it weren’t for those two. Recently over the past month, I have become close with Clover and Axel. They have helped me in many ways as well. I’ve had many to help and guide while I did not have my sire. However...I still missed him horribly.
This month has been crazy with the whole Andras/Velveteen stuff going on. It oddly enough has brought me and my sire back together though. I see him almost daily now. I feel he is more patient with me and I don’t have to be so careful. I still try though. I don’t want to be rude or those other things they tell me I am. I want to be more what they want. And so far, it’s working. Victor and Kenlie have both accepted me and are slowly accepting me for who I am. I think they know and understand that I never mean to upset them or hurt them. That’s never my purpose...I don’t want to upset anyone. But we are all in a good place now. Well, not Kenlie...she’s dead...but I mean in an emotional stance, we are good. We are a family again. This is all I wanted...to be accepted, loved and to have my family. Let’s hope it stays good like this. I don’t want to lose them all over again. It’s too painful.
~Kaelyn~
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Kaelyn
- Registered User
- Posts: 414
- Joined: 09 Nov 2014, 04:15
Re: Metamorphosis (Kaelyn's Journal)
5/3/2015
Since the night I was turned, there has been drama about my age. Family were upset, Tytonidae were upset. Everyone seemed upset. There was a very small handful who accepted me for my age. They accepted me, though in different ways. Many think I was way too young to be turned into a vampire. I guess there are laws about it. I understand and respect these laws. I can see where they come from. What person wants to remain a 16 year old child for the rest of her life? What person wants to be stuck and never be able to grow and experience as an adult? No one. Not one person would ever -choose- that just because. I believe my situation was a bit circumstantial though.
I was dying. I had cancer. I wasn’t going to make it to my 17th birthday. Victor came to me in the hospital frequently. At first he was just a stranger. A random man who had walked past and felt sorry for me. But over the weeks I knew him while in the hospital, he became my solitude, my friend. Eventually he told me about what he was. About the chance of life I still had. He gave me hope that I could survive...not as I was then, but as something strong and everlasting. Now again, you could ask...what person would ever want to be live as a 16 year old child forever? The answer is...me. I wanted to. I wanted that so badly. I wanted that opportunity just to exist. I wasn’t ready to die. I wasn’t ready to lose everything. I wasn’t ready to give up on my entire life. There was still so much I wanted to do and see and experience.
Velveteen has made some good points about me being turned so young. At 16, my brain isn’t fully processed. I haven’t gained all cognitive abilities that most adults have. I never will. In many ways, I’ll be thinking like a teenager forever. I agree and disagree with this. While I may not be as developed as everyone else, I learn as I go on. It might not get processes the same as someone older, but I still learn. Me being 16 means my rationale and my emotions might not always be up to par either. As long as I’m not super stupid about things...that shouldn’t be an issue. Another point Velveteen brought up...my looks. I very much look like a 16 year old girl. My having cancer didn’t really help that much. I am scrawny and petite. But throw on some heels and makeup and more grown up clothes, I can look like a young adult, I’m sure. Many of the girls at school tended to look much older than they were by just doing these things. I’ll have to also learn to act like an adult. But not yet. Right now I am 17. I want to act like I am 17….with adaptations where I see fit of course. I’ve also been told that if and when I am sent to the Shadow Realm...I’ll be able to come back in a new body. Apparently it might not always stick, but at least for a time being, I can be an adult..at least in looks.
Victor and Jesse are both supportive of me. However they both see my age differently. Victor sees me and knows I still -am- a child. I still am young. I still need help and guidance. I still need nurturing. Yes many kids my age have been out on their own and taking care of themselves. But not me. I always had my family close. I always had the support and love and guidance of parents. Until this life, I’ve never had to take care of myself. So Victor’s views help me a lot. They give me the extra cushion I still need. Is it lame that I’m admitting that I still want “parents” to help take care of me? Probably, but I don’t care. Jesse on the other hand wants my age to be ignored completely. I’m in this new life and in this new life I have to jump in and make things work. I have to make decisions and choices that no child should ever have to make. I have to learn to be an adult, even if I’m not one. He respects me and expects me to be able to do everything necessary. He gives me the extra boost and push that I need. Both men are right when it comes to my age. I need a bit of both.
I’m not worried about my age. It is what it is. There is no changing it now. I don’t regret Victor’s decision in siring me. I don’t regret my decision to become this.
~Kaelyn~
Since the night I was turned, there has been drama about my age. Family were upset, Tytonidae were upset. Everyone seemed upset. There was a very small handful who accepted me for my age. They accepted me, though in different ways. Many think I was way too young to be turned into a vampire. I guess there are laws about it. I understand and respect these laws. I can see where they come from. What person wants to remain a 16 year old child for the rest of her life? What person wants to be stuck and never be able to grow and experience as an adult? No one. Not one person would ever -choose- that just because. I believe my situation was a bit circumstantial though.
I was dying. I had cancer. I wasn’t going to make it to my 17th birthday. Victor came to me in the hospital frequently. At first he was just a stranger. A random man who had walked past and felt sorry for me. But over the weeks I knew him while in the hospital, he became my solitude, my friend. Eventually he told me about what he was. About the chance of life I still had. He gave me hope that I could survive...not as I was then, but as something strong and everlasting. Now again, you could ask...what person would ever want to be live as a 16 year old child forever? The answer is...me. I wanted to. I wanted that so badly. I wanted that opportunity just to exist. I wasn’t ready to die. I wasn’t ready to lose everything. I wasn’t ready to give up on my entire life. There was still so much I wanted to do and see and experience.
Velveteen has made some good points about me being turned so young. At 16, my brain isn’t fully processed. I haven’t gained all cognitive abilities that most adults have. I never will. In many ways, I’ll be thinking like a teenager forever. I agree and disagree with this. While I may not be as developed as everyone else, I learn as I go on. It might not get processes the same as someone older, but I still learn. Me being 16 means my rationale and my emotions might not always be up to par either. As long as I’m not super stupid about things...that shouldn’t be an issue. Another point Velveteen brought up...my looks. I very much look like a 16 year old girl. My having cancer didn’t really help that much. I am scrawny and petite. But throw on some heels and makeup and more grown up clothes, I can look like a young adult, I’m sure. Many of the girls at school tended to look much older than they were by just doing these things. I’ll have to also learn to act like an adult. But not yet. Right now I am 17. I want to act like I am 17….with adaptations where I see fit of course. I’ve also been told that if and when I am sent to the Shadow Realm...I’ll be able to come back in a new body. Apparently it might not always stick, but at least for a time being, I can be an adult..at least in looks.
Victor and Jesse are both supportive of me. However they both see my age differently. Victor sees me and knows I still -am- a child. I still am young. I still need help and guidance. I still need nurturing. Yes many kids my age have been out on their own and taking care of themselves. But not me. I always had my family close. I always had the support and love and guidance of parents. Until this life, I’ve never had to take care of myself. So Victor’s views help me a lot. They give me the extra cushion I still need. Is it lame that I’m admitting that I still want “parents” to help take care of me? Probably, but I don’t care. Jesse on the other hand wants my age to be ignored completely. I’m in this new life and in this new life I have to jump in and make things work. I have to make decisions and choices that no child should ever have to make. I have to learn to be an adult, even if I’m not one. He respects me and expects me to be able to do everything necessary. He gives me the extra boost and push that I need. Both men are right when it comes to my age. I need a bit of both.
I’m not worried about my age. It is what it is. There is no changing it now. I don’t regret Victor’s decision in siring me. I don’t regret my decision to become this.
~Kaelyn~