Silhouette reached into the worn out box, containing countless old relics from a life that seemed unreal.. like a fictional story. Her hands closed around a cool plastic leather binding. The yellowing pages gave off the scent appropriate for how long ago life seems to have happened. The cover was roughed over with wear and tear, the stitching that held the leather down was ripped in places, creating fringes. And without dwelling on the nightmares of her past, of her turning, of her shadow of a life.. the silhouette of existence, she flipped the cover and skimmed the faded, illegible pencil to the first entry carved stressfully into perfect horizontal lines.
3/23/12
Damn the hospitals! and those doctors! They know nothing more than they did when she was admitted and it's been weeks. Now would have been a great time for that useless donor to show himself, but that would be for Mom's sake and not mine. I just can't be there 24/7. The nurses sat me down today with papers. They don't think she's getting better and the pneumonia was gone after the first week of her stay. Now they expect me to decide on D.N.R papers? They said she's not only "not improving" but very well could be getting worse. Just today the alarm has gone off twice. Journal... I just don't want to lose mom. Liam has been so busy with his job I haven't been able to talk about the papers to anyone.. Jay, Jess, and Dal are too caught up in their own drama and it seems like everyone's run away when I've never wanted someone more.
4/2/12
Liam called today and I realized that I needed to hear his voice more than I've needed food in over a week. He's told me that signing the DNR might be best for mom. She's been so unresponsive and any time she woke up she was already reaching for the morphine button... She doesn't even seem like my mom anymore...
5/22/13
Yesterday was my birthday.. What a sick joke. It seems like now my birth is cursed to remind me that part of my life died last April. Most of the good part, really. It feels like Liam and I have started drifting and those bitches I thought were friends are too good to be with me when I've been parentless for over a year now. I just wish there was an escape so I could forget all of it. Maybe I'll find something distracting since Liam is still busy in Barrfield. I'd love to just move in.. if only i could find a non-clingy way of asking for that?
7/16/14
it's like the last two years have been a living hell but I think things are looking up now. Liam stayed in town with me for a week a few months ago on his earned vacation days- and he's proposed!! He started the conversation about moving in and I don't have to be alone! We'll be getting married next year! Hopefully some time warm like June or July. Maybe not coming home alone and realizing I'm still not used it... maybe Liam coming home to me will change things. I guess i'll be packing you away, oh faithful journal, until I write my first happy entry in a long time.
A tattered old book
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Silhouette (DELETED 6077)
- Posts: 66
- Joined: 16 Feb 2015, 07:41
Re: A tattered old book
12/3/15
I guess I have this back now. Might as well record my experiences now that everything's changed. I suppose I'd better start from the beginning since a lot has happened this year. First of all, I guess I have a new family to connect with once I return to Harper Rock. Liam wanted to live there. And so I will too once I pack the rest of my things. He's gone now, i'm the only one who made it from a vehicular disaster right as we arrived to the city of our new home. I guess you could say i made it? I'm changed now but I won't specify exactly how. I can do things with my mind because of it now; things I didn't consider possible but I guess you could call it a gift. Honestly its a stereotypical gift and curse in one. Since the mind games started, my panic got worse than ever and after an incident in this odd bar I tried sitting in, i decided to disappear. Something about these overly social harper-ites skeeved me out. But I guess some were kind of nice. Makes my panic worse but made me laugh too i suppose.
More to the point, I had a good several months of keeping my head down and even though i showed up for work i mostly stuck to shadows in the corners of abandoned buildings. I guess I just needed to adjust alone. But I think I'm ready again, good ole journal. I think I'm ready to fake it in this insane town with these insane abilities, but Jesus I don't think i'll ever quite adjust to how alone I've felt from the very beginning. Guess that's why i wanted to come back and give more closure to mom and collect you and the rest of my personal ****. I don't want to stop being me, but i still want to forget who i was. Does that make sense when written down now? guess not.
I guess I have this back now. Might as well record my experiences now that everything's changed. I suppose I'd better start from the beginning since a lot has happened this year. First of all, I guess I have a new family to connect with once I return to Harper Rock. Liam wanted to live there. And so I will too once I pack the rest of my things. He's gone now, i'm the only one who made it from a vehicular disaster right as we arrived to the city of our new home. I guess you could say i made it? I'm changed now but I won't specify exactly how. I can do things with my mind because of it now; things I didn't consider possible but I guess you could call it a gift. Honestly its a stereotypical gift and curse in one. Since the mind games started, my panic got worse than ever and after an incident in this odd bar I tried sitting in, i decided to disappear. Something about these overly social harper-ites skeeved me out. But I guess some were kind of nice. Makes my panic worse but made me laugh too i suppose.
More to the point, I had a good several months of keeping my head down and even though i showed up for work i mostly stuck to shadows in the corners of abandoned buildings. I guess I just needed to adjust alone. But I think I'm ready again, good ole journal. I think I'm ready to fake it in this insane town with these insane abilities, but Jesus I don't think i'll ever quite adjust to how alone I've felt from the very beginning. Guess that's why i wanted to come back and give more closure to mom and collect you and the rest of my personal ****. I don't want to stop being me, but i still want to forget who i was. Does that make sense when written down now? guess not.
