дневник

[Nik (DELETED 5789)]

Sat Nov 01, 2014

I remember it very well.
I was locked in my room every time my father's business partners visited the house. I thought nothing of it, because my childhood was good and it had happened as long as I could remember. I once got curious and snuck out the window when I was 13 or something. I was trying to eavesdrop but my mother caught me and she smacked my *** so hard I never did that again.
The only thing I remember being sad about as a child was the absence of my father. He could be gone for years, but he always came back eventually. Sure he would smell different every time, he would smile less every time, his eyes would be darker every time, but he always came back.
I got my first bike for my 16th birthday. Pops had been gone for a year, but there in the garage was a brand new '97 Yamaha WR250 with a note to stay in one piece.

Soon after that birthday I met my sweet Sara.

Next time I saw my father was in the church. I had just kissed my bride with our friends and loved ones around us, when he walked in. I was marrying my sweet angel, but my father walking in perfected that day for us all. I was blinded by my bliss, I ignored the men that were following my father like sharks anywhere he went. I didn't care. He was there for the first time in years.

Sara and I lived in a tiny studio apartment above a bookstore. She was a loved waitress in a nearby diner and I was fixing motorcycles in a shop 2 blocks away. Our home was so small only a tiny dinner table with two chairs and our bed fit in, but it was our little sanctuary for years. My father wanted better for us, but we refused his money. We were barely making ends meet, but Sara wanted us to be thankful and happy for every single meal we ever made. She knew money is followed by greed and in the end, nothing would be enough to satisfy a greedy soul. My angel was so wise. Her blue eyes were innocent and sincere. She saw good in everyone and everyone loved her. Everytime it rained, she made a sandwich for that one hobo that hung out by the stairs and when the rain would end, the hobo would be gone as well.

One halloween years ago Sara wanted to see The Exorcist so of course we went. I loved watching scary movies with her. She would hold onto me so tight I could feel hear heartbeat. She started to bite her nails at the very beginning of the movie and she continued until there were nothing left to bite anymore. She buried her face into my side when the movie was too much for her and I just smiled at my wussy wife. I didn't pay attention to the movie, I just watched her. I played with her hair and loved her with every strand of DNA I had in my body. I still remember the way her kisses tasted like salted peanuts.. I remember her hair smelled like green apples.. and I remember how soft her skin was.
After the movie was over we were getting ready to go home. I was on my bike and she was standing next to me talking about how she wanted to make hot chocolate with marshmallows when a car pulled up in front of us. A couple of seconds later I found myself on the ground with a bullet in my gut and Sara laying next to me with a bullet in her head. The same man that was following my father in our wedding walked over and took a picture of us bleeding. He spat on me and walked away and the car drove off as fast as it appeared out of nowhere. I crawled to my wife and held onto her until I passed out. When I woke up in the hospital things haven't been the same anymore. I buried my angel and a huge chunk of myself with her. Life has been a little hazy ever since.

My mother told me to leave town. A day after she kissed me goodbye, she was shot as well.
I confronted my father about all that had happened, but all he could say was " Прости, я не хотел тебя обидеть" (sorry, I didn't want to hurt you.)
He disappeared that same day but this time I didn't care anymore. His need to take the easy road cost me my life as a whole. My angel and my family. His greed stole everything from me. I am angry at him, but he is paying for his sins for he will never walk the streets again. He will die in prison. I heard his eyes were stabbed out, his tongue was cut off and his ears were damaged as a punishment for being a snitch. Hopefully he will find peace before his time runs out. I cannot think of any punishment more suited for him. To be trapped in a cage unable to see or hear anything but his own thought...
The ******** deserves every second of it.

I've been living off the grid for years now and even though I heard the cossacks have stopped searching for me, I won't be returning home any time soon.
My name is Nikita Petrovsky.
My friends call me Nik.
I just arrived in Harper Rock.
Tomorrow I will continue further up north to see those Northern Lights like I promised Sara we would all those years ago.

[Nik (DELETED 5789)]

Sun Nov 02, 2014


My intention was to grab a bite to eat and score some cash and keep going, but I am still here.
I saw a junkie dealing in a car and went ahead and seized his funds, then royally forked up and got chased down by cops, but I managed to slip away from them when I found this bar I am still chilling in. "The Handle Bar". I destroyed their door, but I paid for it, so it's all good, no trouble coming from that. The dude who owns it is called Mkvenner. Ven for short. He is cool, but there's something strange about him.
There's something strange about this whole town to be honest... Harper Rock. I have never heard of this place before.

Anyways,

so I was sitting upstairs in the bar last night knocking back a few shots when I was out of the blue SOLD to a female, so I ended up being somekind of a specimen of male anatomy. They called her Mia, but her name was Meluiwen. She started from my hands and she went through every inch of my skin, and soon I was standing there in my boxers when the staff yelled their protest before I could whip out 'the shotgun.'
Thank god for them. I think the female would have been scarred for life if they hadn't stopped her.

Then I witnessed something that I wasn't ready for. There was an organized barfight between this guy Caine and the lady behind the bar, Kenlie. At first I wanted to butt in and crack some jaws, but after it was over, they were smiling and acting like friends and so on. Consentual violence crushing taboos about weak women and abusive men. I kinda like it. That chick is tough, I have to say that.

I have to see what else there's hidden in this town so I might stay for a while. The northern lights can definitely wait a few more nights.

[Nik (DELETED 5789)]

Tue Nov 04, 2014



I've been in this town for four days now. Within these 90 ish hours I've met so many interesting people and so much has happened that I've actually decided to stay. I went hunting for an apartment earlier, and even though this trip was a complete bust, I am still hopeful that soon I will be sleeping in a place I can call my own.

The crazies from earlier.

They are selling flats within a quarantine zone.. The people there act like they got rabies.. or some other nasty brain rotting virus. Who the hell would want to live in a place where there's cray-crays chasing you around everywhere? Also they wouldn't let me in through the gate, so I had to sneak in through the sewers.. I am not this desperate. The guys at the Handle Bar are so cool, they've let me crash there. God bless them.

Speaking of Crays, this weirdo came to me a couple of days ago and asked me if I was interested in becoming a blood thief.
Yup.. You're not hallucinating.
I turned on my heels and walked away, cause I am in no way, shape or form interested in black market organ business or anything related, but this guy kept following me untill I was forced to break his jaw.
Well, he has some problems with his short term memory because he came to me again today at the gas station where I was filling up. He asked me again if I wanted to join their "noble" cause, and I was like.. "Dude.. I think I told you no last time.." but then he touched my Harley. Nobody touches my Harley! I left him laying on the ground again and drove off. It was out in the open and people saw us, but thankfully there were no cops around.. and trust me, there's a plenty of them patrolling around all the flipping time.

I was thinking about going to see a little more of this town later after sun sets. I love riding in the dark, plus I need to find that diner I had my first dinner in when I got here. I fell in love with that place, and the lady behind the counter was so kind. I am not interested in her and I'm not that much into cougars, but she made me feel good. This town makes me feel good. I haven't felt this good since I lost my babygirl.. and Sara would want me to feel good. I know she would.

[Nik (DELETED 5789)]

Thu Nov 06, 2014


I am still here. I am not feeling too good so this will be short.

It happened again. I lost an hour or so this time. It isn't normal that I keep blacking out like this, so I got to go see a doctor.

I applied for a job as a bouncer. Hoping I will hear back from them soon.

[Nik (DELETED 5789)]

Fri Nov 07, 2014




Feeling much better today.

I only have good news. I found a set of keys while wondering aimlessly the other night before I blacked out. The tag had an address on it, but I had no idea where this place was so after some digging, I found a map of the city and I actually found the place eventually. The apartment looks amazing and from the amount of dust inside it looks like it hasn't been used in ages. I am thinking about squatting there. I have the keys, the electricity is on, water is running and it doesn't smell funky at all.. also the door has a lock on it and there's no security cameras whatsoever around, so after I clean up the place It will be almost cosy. The only bad thing about it is it's location. Yes, it's located within the quarantine zone where the crazies roam around. I have to figure out where to keep my bike, because the noise draws too much attention...

I got the job, btw!

Things are really looking good.

[Nik (DELETED 5789)]

Mon Nov 10, 2014



I don't know where to start.

First of all, my little absent mindedness that's been going on as of late was not because of any spider bites. It was not because of a brain tumor and my impending doom. It was not because of malnutricion and iron deficiency. It was because of bloodloss, and I found out why. The crazies are not just crazy.. they're also special.. jesus fricken christ on a stick. I will not write it down, because if someone ever read this.. it would be bad. I know this is for my eyes only but what if.. ?
I got many reasons to be a tad paranoid.

It all begun when I bumped into my neighbor. One thing led to another and I ended up in her apartment with a coffee mug in one hand and a pile of papers in the other doubting my own eyes.. But I later got confirmation from my friends and I know the truth now. And that is all I'm going to log about this subject for now. I think I am allowed to be a little paranoid.

The girl next door is so nice. I noticed myself acting all "Big Bro" around her. The poor thing is so thin she looks like she hasn't had a proper meal in years. She just wanders around and hangs around.. "them". I don't think she's been around her own kind much. She hasn't even had any pancakes ever! I'm going to fix that here in a bit. I promised I would get back in one piece, and I would bring a little dindin with me.. and I will keep that promise.
I tried to talk about the ghosts with Meluiwen, but she was not in the mood. I don't want to burden her with my nosiness so I will pester her later. I could sit for hours listening to her explaining how she sees the world. She is so naive and innocent and funny - which is unintentional and thus cuteness overload! But I'll write about her some other time. I am trying my best to figure her out, but it's slow. She ain't exactly an open book.

Anyhow.. pancakes and promises I got to keep and all that jazz.

[Nik (DELETED 5789)]

Sat Nov 22, 2014



Ever since I found out about the... yaknow.. I've been a little confused. It ******* freaks me out to think that everyone I pass by on the streets might be... yaknow.. but It also intrigues me, because I tend to think about what kinda stuff they can do.

Anyways, the weather has been just awful. I left my bike in a hidey-hole to wait for the ice to thaw and now I need to get myself another form of transportation. The annoying part is that I have to leave it outside the fences, 'cuz there's no way in. I could blast through the gates, but then the freakazoids would get out.. I should maybe try and find a new apartment in a more accessable area. I've been reading the ads, but I haven't found anything affordable yet. I took a little side business selling guns.. Hopefully that's profitable enough to buy me a decent roof over my head soon.

Anyways. That tiny white haired lump of weird cuteness I've been writing about earlier.. She once again knocked the wind out of me a couple of nights ago. She's been babbling about ghosts for weeks now and I of course just smile at her thinking it's just one of those brainfarts she seems to have. You know. She carries a doll with her where ever she goes and she talks to it and all that jazz, and I accept it, because the doll seems to make her feel safe. I know she sees things - and it all seems to be working out for her, because without that doll she calls "Brother", she would be so lost. Anyways - I went to the bar to have a few beers and to unwind, but it didn't quite go as planned, so I am a little more on edge now than I was when I went there.

At first she was there dressed as a boy. Thankfully it was just a costume, I think she was dressed up as her brother for some reason. We all were so stunned by it all, that I don't think we even asked what the occasion was. Anyways, next thing I know I am holding a small porcelain doll. It was dressed like Sara, the eyes were just right, her hair was just right, and even the earrings were identical to the ones I bought Sara for our first anniversary.
Mel had told me that it's ok if I die, because she can always make me a new body. I am willing to bet these are the bodies she talks about and that brother-doll of hers is a body she made for her dead brother. She talks to them, and they talk back to them. I figured it was just her imagination untill she started to argue with this doll she had made me, and... here's the funny part.. The doll was apparently telling her to call me "zvezda moy".. which is the part I flipped the lid again. I never taught Sara any russian, but she had looked that up from the dictionary when we were teenagers and there's no way Mel should know about this.

She had made a doll for the bartender as well and she freaked out and left and I haven't seen her since.

So now, as I sit here writing. This doll is on the table looking at me. I am trying to wrap my brain around the fact that it's Sara.. or that it's just a weird coincidence. Meluiwen told me that she has been hanging around me for years and years, and the **** I've done while she's been watching.. oh jeez. There are stuff you wouldn't want your wife to see.. dead or not.. but since the doll hasn't slit my throat open yet I hope what Mel said was true. That they just hang around to take care of us since we are so "hopeless" that we cannot take care of ourselves. Sara was like that - she did everything but wipe my nose, but I let her.. because it made her happy.

But yea. That's what's going on.
I am telling you, this town is so amazing in it's awkwardness.
I am leaving this doll here and I sincerely hope it hasn't stabbed my furniture to pieces when I come home again.

I have accepted Sara's death. I know I lost her, but now I'm being told that she is still here. That I haven't actually lost her at all.. I am just unable to smell her hair and speak with her and there's no way she would ever kiss me in the morning.. Yea. Frustrating. Unfair. Kinda sweet... but definitely unfair.

[Nik (DELETED 5789)]

I sit here hoping she would show up.
I sit here bleeding from my gut hoping she would show up.

It appears I've been careless cause I think I have a BOLO on me. The shitty thing is that the cossacks have cops in their pocket so I need to know if they're looking for ME or just someone else who looks like me.
If they are looking for me I need to get out of this town yesterday, but If I fit a description of someone they're looking for, I don't have to worry about them as long as I keep low profile for while. I wish there was someone who could ask around and see what's up.. because I really don't want to leave. Not now anyways.
See,
I keep my gloves on ALL THE TIME and there just cannot be any prints anywhere.. I think. I was not born yesterday, I know all this ****. I wonder about DNA though. I shouldn't be in any databases.. unless they have collected it from a fricken bloodtest without my knowing about it.. Or if mom made one of those safety kit things of me when I was a kid. You know, the thing mommies do "just in case". But I KNOW I have been nothing but careful. I am a bit paranoid about the situation with the cossacks sure. Anyone would be, if they were in my shoes.
The pig tagged me as I was leaving a business meeting in Stag Heath. It's just a scratch and it doesn't bleed too much.. probably just tore a bit of muscle and that's all.

But yea..
Clover.
She kicks *** in pool, her hair smells amazing and she told me I'm an ***... well not an ***, but strange when I was asking too many questions about - dosn't matter.
The way she moves is as if she had 9 lives and her voice is something I want to wake up to. I would be so happy just to hear her nag and tear me apart from the minute I woke up to the second I fall asleep.. heh, I doubt she's the nagging kind, but even if she were, I would love to hear it.
And those eyes.
I sit here and wait, bleeding, just to catch a glimpse of her.

I think I am in deep ****.. not just with the pigs, but with her..
..and of course Vic has to be her brother.
...****...

[Nik (DELETED 5789)]

These past weeks have been crazy.
I used to have a pulse, but not anymore.
I used to be on the run, I'm not anymore.

Andreyev and his crew came into town. I wrote earlier about my suspicions, if I had left fingerprints etc. I had, and Andreyev, may he rest in ******* pieces, still had the law enforcement in his pocket. Father has died in prison. He had suffered a heartattack while doing laundry. Such a merciful way to go for him. If it was up to me, he would have deserved at least 20+ years more, but he is gone now. I hope he found his peace in the middle of all the chaos he created and all the lives he ruined.

The events lead to my losing my pulse, but gaining a tight knit group of people around me that I can now call my own. I haven't had this feeling in a long time except for those brief moments when I am riding down an empty highway with nothing but the beam of light in front of me and my tunes playing through my earbuds. Freedom. Can you imagine? For the first time since all that **** that went down, I am free. Free from the stench of my father, free from the shadow of Sara and the guilt of surviving. So.. I was offered a prospect rocker in the Night Lords MC. I accepted it of course and I got a new gun from Dominique as a gift. So to sum it all up, things are good. I don't think it has fully hit me yet.. You know the reality of this all, that I am one lucky son of a *****. I truly am. I've been sitting here in my apartment in silence, smoking my worries away when I realized, I have no worries.

And about Clover. I have been a bad boy, missing the christmas party thanks to my being trigger happy, yea, I know. But I think she likes me even though I disappear sometimes. It's the way I am. I've been a loner for so long, and I need my silence and my quiet moments, but I think she understands. I hope she does. It doesn't change the fact that I think about her 90% of the time. There's something that bothers her on top of that Ripper guy that keeps following her but I don't know what it is. I just know she's holding back something. I want her to tell me everything but she has to do it on her own terms. I don't want to squeeze these things out of her, she will tell me whenever she feels it's the time to do so. We haven't known eachother for long, and I accept it fully if she doesn't trust me 100% yet. People need their secrets. Not everything should be out there for vultures to pick on.

Kenlie and Victor are getting married.
Those two belong together.
I hope that kid realizes it as well and stops causing them unnecessary grief. I am 2 seconds away from showing her what russian discipline means...

[Nik (DELETED 5789)]

I have a feeling I've been alone for too long, and yanno what - I am completely ok with it.
I don't need anyone beside me, and if I need someone to touch me, I can get that, easy, and after I get my fix, I can just leave and keep my nose out of this "relationship" business where you constantly have a bullseye in between your eyes for just about anything imagineable. I for one HATE walking on eggshells.

This entire situation started - like every good joke - from a man walking into a bar. I had no idea who he was, but I want to kick his teeth in just for walking into that bar, cause by doing that, he managed to change my views on someone I care deeply about and he started a shitstorm, that I really didn't want to happen. The fact that he walked in, and said the **** he said, flared up Clover, who apparently wanted me to toss my brain in the dumpster and go poking him with sticks or whatever the kids do at playground these days. I should have stepped on Vics toes and made Kenlie look bad in the process, and I should have risked my position in the club.. All this to satisfy her. a girl who I barely know.
The fact that I took Kenlie's word and out of respect for her and Victor, stayed out of the squabble is now apparently a huge *** sin and enough to give me grief from the one person who I thought was supposed to have my back.
She made a huge deal of the fact that I grabbed her hand and said "Darlin, not now." to her when she was mouthing off to Kenlie's friend. Apparently, according to her, by doing that I shushed her and she threathened me that if I ever do that again, it will actually be the last thing I ever do. I should have let her spit acid on him, and probably joined in it myself, and attack the stranger, skin him then and there, and leave Kenlie and Vic to deal with the possible fallback from that.

Well, then came the day in the bar where Clover was handing out gifts. Keep in mind that she hadn't told me one ******* word about her feeling like a burning martyr. I got a gift from her, I opened the box, and got a lump of coal from her. I was shocked, I thanked her for it and she just smirked in a pompous way at me, like she was making fun of me. She embarrassed me in front of everyone, but hey it was fine. I am a big boy and I am going to respond to childish **** with childish ****, so today I went to the store and got her a pink jeweled up pacifier, cause I thought it was funny, and spot on. She insisted on not telling me what was going on, she just sat there flirting with some other guy in front of me, so yea. I think she deserved it.

But no, wrong again. Apparently now I humiliated her.. and here's the whopper. I humiliated her AGAIN. In her view I keep doing that often.

So she went on and continued her cat and mouse game, she didnt tell me what was going on, she just tossed some more gasoline on herself and lit herself on fire like a proper martyr who needs to just burn, and she was in flames. She walked out, but of course not before she kicked me in the gut one last time. She had gotten me a proper gift, a very nice watch, but she just tossed it on the bar and walked out without saying one single word. So of course I had to chase her down.. I finally got her to sit down, and the way she spoke to me.. oh god. She was trying to boss me around, she was making demands without an ounce of respect in her voice.

So here I am thinking, do I need this really? Do I have it in me to walk on eggshells, cause that is how it most likely will be with Clover. Or do I sit still and let her cool off and come to her senses, or do I just tag along and wait for the next episode, in which of course I will be the asshole. You don't have to be psychic to see that coming.

Do I need this?

I've been happy ever since I came into Harper Rock, but the way she behaves makes me wanna get back on the road again. At least I didn't have to deal with this ****. Pointless, ****.. and if Clover wants a man to neuter, she should look elsewhere. I am fond of my nuts and not even her can snip them off.
I have to go and cool off somewhere. Maybe take a few days in the wilderness just because I kinda miss it. sleeping under the stars in a sleeping bag like I used to do. That was freedom. Now instead of freedom I got 99 problems...