The Confessions of Hanei, Formerly Known As Johnathon Anders

[Hanei (DELETED 3287)]

There it is, plain as day. Though I cannot vocally speak this to anyone, for fear that I will be found by either human authorities or by human Hunters, I can write it here and now.

My name is not Hanei, Hanei was the name of a serial killer in a book I enjoyed greatly as a child, though the foster home I was living in did not approve of my reading an "underground" fictional novel about a serial killer who is trying to understand why he kills people. My real name is Johnathon Kelvin Anders, orphan from the age of two, condemned for manslaughter at age nine, and dubbed a serial killer at age fifteen in eastern Canada, though the exact city I shall keep to myself in case someone should find this-my journal. I took on the name Hanei because I felt a certain kinship to him, a similar life story and the same circumstances leading to my becoming a serial killer.

The difference, however, is that I knew why I was killing people so often, so regularly, so brutally. I was lead by a woman in a black dress who appeared to me first in my dreams, and then in my mind when I was awake. She would whisper comfort to me, assure me that she cared where the rest of the world around me clearly did not, and that the disease I had contracted was not a judgment of God, but an unfortunate accident that was the fault of others. I called her Mother Death, for she was the mother I had never had as a child and as a teenager, and she was the only person who understood me, who knew how I felt, and who knew what I needed to do. She told me to kill people, people with a certain hair color, then a certain eye color, and finally, a certain personality. She instructed me how first to sever a head without arousing any suspicions, how to blame it on a wild animal, and how to eliminate the investigating officers who knew too much.

That didn't change much at my Turning, when Corin Diechi-to whom I am forever in debt-saved me from death and in turn also gave me newfound strength and skills that I might have even more reason and purpose to kill, to partake of my victims' blood. Mother Death was always there, when my Sire was ashamed of having Turned me, or so I had thought. In truth, Mother Death was a fae, who had taken an interest in me at a young age, and whose influence allows me now to see vague outlines of the fae when I am near the wilderness, though Mother Death has long since left me, either out of a loss of interest or because she feared something or perhaps just to cause me misery for her own enjoyment. I don't know why she left, and frankly I don't care anymore, I'm glad to be rid of her, because she made me a monster.

As such, beginning with the death of my Sire's good friend Alanoth Lirian-Vedarian, I will never again kill any human or vampire, for any reason. If it comes to being my life or theirs, then it will be mine. I will never be Hanei again, though I must keep the name in order to safeguard my identity as a vampire, I will instead choose to spare anyone who should wish me or those who I consider Family harm. I will make them hurt, make them feel pain, make their bones break and shatter, but I will never kill them.

Never again,

[Hanei (DELETED 3287)]

I have applied for a job at Club Argent, since the owner-my dear friend and Family Jezebel Tzasun-said that she had need of someone to handle security. While I am hesitant to take up a profession that requires me to occasionally lay harm to others, I am comforted in the fact that this will only be in defense of others and the property of the Club. As such, I am swayed that this is what will be good for me to do.

I thought long and hard after killing Alanoth, and though it was an accident, it was still my fault. Should I seek out the knife? Prevent anyone else from coming to harm by it's blade? Is there even a chance that I could ever find it on my own in the first place? I need to find a way to attone for this, though how is beyond my ability to conceive.

Hanei is no more, from here forward I am Johnathon Kelvin Anders, police and the Masquerade be damned. The Masquerade needs to change or be abolished anyway, it is outdated and puts all vampires at more risk than being open about our nature would. The members of the Deaux Corbeaux are kind, and supposedly Elizabeth Naarc will be contacting me soon, though from what I have heard about her, I doubt that she will ever call. I'm announcing it tonight, here on the Crownet, specifically in the Deaux Corbeaux and Noble forums, so that all of my Bloodline, whether they care about me or not, will know who I now am. No more trench coats, from now on I only wear suits. No more knives, I've sold them all.

No more hiding my feelings and my face behind a mask and the exaggerated severity of my illness, from here forward I am Johnathon Kelvin Anders, and Hanei is dead along with Mother Death

[Hanei (DELETED 3287)]

As I feared, my recent lack of sleep due to nightmares and my periods of amnesiac forgetfulness are catching up to me. I am an almost completely ineffective member of Club Argent's security staff, but I'm all that is presently available. I must continue on, if not for the sake of the business, then for Jezebel.

Sweet Jezebel...I cannot believe I am saying this, but upon reading a few novels during an after-hours excursion into the Harper Rock Library, I have confirmed that for the first time in my unnatural, immortal life, I have feelings of affection for a woman. Not just any woman, mind you, but Jezebel Tzasun, the misunderstood dark angel of Harper Rock, who cares more for the freedom and wellbeing of vampire kind than any number of 'Masquerade' leaders. I would stand before her as a shield, or beside her as an ally in anything she should require. But alas, I have not the strength, courage, or self-worth to confess my feelings, as I fear to her I am nothing more than a child.

My mind is further conflicted, as I realize I may or may not have developed similar feelings for my Sire, Corin Diechi. She and I have been through many things together, she saved my life with my Turning, and I did my best to be there for her in her recent mental afflictions. I only wish I could be a better Childe to her, she deserves so much better than a Killer.

My feelings for these women are torn, I know not to whom I owe more of myself, and I know not whether these feelings could ever be returned. Furthermore, that damned fae whom I know as Mother Death has been toying with me again, giving me nightmares of Corin and Jezebel's suffering and pain, of my own actions resulting in their deaths, of the murder of Alanoth...At all costs, I must find this fae and kill her once and for all. My Last Kill...I relish the thought to spill her blood and end my misery forever, to be rid of her influence and control. If it costs me my life and my imprisonment within the Shadow Realm a thousand times over, I will end her.