Deathlogging

[Alexandrea]

Yup, stupid name for a file but no offense to the cyber world, somethings are just better when you can touch them. They're more real. Like a hug. Sure, it's great to get a hug from a friend online but it's better face to face. Nothing in the world feels better than to embrace someone tight who is as happy to see you as you are to see them. So while I can't touch my real journal right now, I'm using this mind's connection to the net to create a new one so I can express my thoughts and try to make some sense out of them, before I go stir crazy and start to serenade the mayor.

Well this last trip to the great down under really got me examining myself. And in light of that, and what it seems I've actually been doing, I guess I have to face the fact that some part of me must be growing up. As my strength of will has grown stronger, so has my self awareness. And I've been acting out just like I did as a kid, back when I was always trying to get my father's attention. I hate that. But I have to own it. The timing fits, my pattern is right there staring me in the face and it was just waiting for me to see it.

Odin always wanted me to be more careful. So did Jarrett. And I realize now that they both really did love me. And I loved them, but not in the ways that any of us wanted or needed. With Jarrett he was just so.. Vanilla? I felt restricted in everything I did, like I could never be 'good' enough. "Good" as in good vs bad, that is. Being around Odin I never felt like I couldn't just be myself... but I always felt like I wasn't getting enough attention. And where I'd felt crowded around Jarrett, I made Odin feel crowded.

Just like with Dad. Now I think about it, I feel like an idiot. Not only did it take me this long to see how much Odin reminds me of my father but also because of what that says about me. And my Dad. And in both cases, both of them just did not want me around anymore one day and that was that. I had no say in the matter. At least with my Dad I knew why. He replaced me with a new daughter. I went from being his special girl, the apple of his eye to nothing. Just like he did with my Mother. She had been dead less than two years when Dad remarried.

I don't think that was what was going on with Odin, however. I think he just wants to be all Greta Garbo. Even though I know he cares for someone else too and I think I am pretty sure who. Because I would bet my right tit that if anyone else that had held me prisoner for a month in a basement lab and forced me to give birth to a fadebeast he had fathered, Odin would have ripped them limb from limb. Then or now.

Yeah, even now I think he would. I believe he cares more than he knows.. or maybe just more than he wants to. That's fine. I'm just glad he is safe and hope he is happy. I'm still pissed as hell about his part in Morgan's death but I think we would both agree that we are still friends. And he would be pissed at me for getting in trouble again. I think... Haven't seen him so can't be sure. It's just as well, too. Now I am back, I can see that more distance might be better and that I didn't love him in the best way to love someone, the unselfish way. I wanted something from him, he had been right. It just wasn't anything close to what either of us thought it was.

When the hunting began, I thought of him. When I was watching loved ones dying because of me I wished I could see him. And when I was about to die, I wished he was there. And I am ashamed of myself for that. I made sure everyone else I loved was safe, except for those who had really wanted to make a stand with me. I wouldn't have wished Snow to have been there in any of those dangerous situations with me.

Elliot dArtois had been right. For awhile I was wishing I had never told Odin that I was in love with him but it was eating me up inside not telling him. And after he dumped me, I didn't curl up and die. I died because of my own actions, not from a broken heart. Although very painful, a broken heart is far from fatal.

And for the first time I'm considering that maybe Odin's breaking things off had been for my own good as well as his own. If my acting out over the last few months was over some kind of daddy issues or a need for attention, then with my being such an emotional person maybe I should trust in his judgment about our relationship . It must not have been a healthy one. He had said he thought I should find a better match but maybe he was talking about both of us.

I really hate to admit to how big a part of me still wishes that he would want me back. I know that won't happen but deep down a part of me feels so strongly that he really does love me too. I guess I'll never really know. If there is any truth to that gut feeling then I'd suppose I should trust that he's doing what's best. And if I'm completely off base then respecting his wishes and keeping my distance is still the best thing to do. He knows how to find me if he wants to.

Wasting my time and energy on trying to get the attention of someone who is trying to avoid me makes as much sense as blow drying a brick. In retrospect I've been pretty selfish, wanting something from someone that they had no interest in giving wasted his time as well. So I guess it's really time to put my money with my mouth is and be like the adult I want to see others be. To stop acting out when I want attention from someone else and instead focus on being the best person I can be. Just for me, no one else. And earn to expect what I need in myself, not try to find it in someone else.

I just hope I don't have to grow up 'TOO" much...

[Alexandrea]

So... I'm still here. Trying to avoid crownet but managed to catch Snow's obituary. And I'm still blocked in. As soon as I can, I'll going to find that little girl somehow and then I'm not letting her out of my sight for as long as she's down here. If I go back at all now I really do have to stay out of trouble. If I go back. I'll find Snow first and see how she is before I decide. Right now the whole idea of existence is just too depressing to even think about starting over.
Well this has been a crappy year.

Unblocked at last. Not sure why some of these force fields last longer than others, it seems completely random. Haven't been able to find Snow, everyone is getting ready to go home. But I'm not going anywhere without that little girl. Odin visited. I had let him know about Snow, wasn't sure if he was following the obituaries and thought he might want to know. He couldn't find Snow either. But... he said he missed me? I didn't know what to say so I just said ditto. Not sure what it means so just going to take it at face value and not try to read anything into it.
That's something different for me.


So. I can go home now. Except I haven't found Snow yet. And... not sure I want to go home anymore. Can't think of any reason to right now, to be honest. All I can focus on is trying to somehow find Snow and staying with her until she can go home. And then I'm not sure. Seems like all I do is mess up.
At least if I am down here, I can't get anyone else killed.

[Alexandrea]

Snow found me. And Sundial is here as well. I know Kira and Madison will be leaving soon and I need to tell them goodbye. Maybe I should just write them letters like I did to poor Jarrett. Go ahead and make sure everyone knows what a coward I really am. I'll just let them think it's Nix I'm scared of.

I keep saying I am going to try to stay out of trouble but I really have no idea how. It's bound to happen again. And next time other people I love might die. And then another next time?And more after that?

Everyone is just better off if I stay down here.

At least for now.

[Alexandrea]

Long story short. I'm back in the USSR... oops I mean SR.

Shocker, right?

At least this time I stood my ground and took it like a man and wasn't hunted down like a dog.

I'd made an arrangement, with Odin. After he and a few other voices in my head talked some sense into me and I returned I promised any more trouble I'd go to him and he promised he would kill me himself. Way less stressful and cost effective. The amount of traps and alarms Madison, Kira and I have gone through in the last couple years could have financed a small country by now.

It took a bit longer that I'd expected, one more thing to wonder about. Was he just taking his time because he was enjoying himself or might there have been a more sentimental reason? I'll probably never know. But the important thing is, I'm back where I belong and can't cause any more trouble. For now. I do still have a lot of things to do before I settle down here for good but I've started carving out my own little corner down here and making it my own.

At first it was always a bore being dead. But now that I can shape the shadows around me, I can create some art again. I'm working on something now that only the eye of Nox herself will ever see. I hope it pleases her.

[Alexandrea]

So Harry did something right! I had seen messages on Crownet about jewels being found in an old mine east of town. I found out where it could be found and told Harry to go check it out. I watched through his eyes as he gathered up Amethysts, Sapphires and even Emeralds! There were a couple of these 'cocoon' type of things he came across as well that a few of my Sisters at DTM had also found. We'll have to all get together and see what we can learn about them. I'm actually excited to get back.

Lots of things in the works, it seems like every club I belong to wants to start having parties again. And It's long past time for me to get out and be socializing again. I made a promise to myself and to Zodiac that I was going to be getting out more and I plan to do just that. I really do not like going to these things alone though. And I don't want to date anyone either. Whether or not those Tarot cards were right or wrong about Odin, I'm just not interested in meeting anyone new. At least not right now. Only Nox knows what the future holds.

I really don't like to attend these function on my own however. As much as I do enjoy driving, it seems to frighten everyone who knows me when I do. And parking just plan sucks in the little town. Plus I am a bit tired of well meaning friends and family who seem to think I need to be 'fixed up'. Too bad Alanoth isn't around anymore. He was happy to be my driver and escort me to some events a couple times. I need to hire a new driver. But one like Alanoth, that will do me these kinds of favors.

Huh. I need to hire an escort! Well doesn't that just take the cake... I wonder if I put an ad on Crownet if anyone would answer?

And what do I do if someone does?

[Alexandrea]

I'm counting down the minutes now and it dawned on me that I haven't been visited by anyone this time down here. No messages from anyone either. Oh well... no news is good news, right?

There won't be time to finish my work down here completely this trip, I rather suspected redecorating the entire realm would take me more than a week. But I'm sure Nox can see it for what it is well enough. The imagery should be clear enough to anyone who can see past just the trees. And the five second rule doesn't count it the toast hits the floor buttered side down.

It looks like it's going to be a very busy next couple of months, back up on the topside. I really hope I can keep my butt alive long enough to get everything I need to do taken care of. These frequent 'vacations' are bad for business. But this time at least by getting it done and taken care of on my own, well on my own with Odin's help that is, extra days weren't wasted in hiding.

Yeah... no more hiding for me. Gotta keep my toast right side up.