Sweet Sweet dreams

[Renee]

June
I've thought about crawling into a hole and hoping I would forget what it was to live. Have the hunger take me away form here.

Maybe walking out into the sunlight and being burned to a crisp.

Maybe even piss off TY so much that they would send me to the shadow realm.

I have no clue what it is like. I should find out.

It has to be better then what I am going through now.

Pain.

Depression.

Loss.

I will go away for a while see if it gets better.

[Renee]

August 7th
I have pulled myself out of the darkness and into the light.

Well more like out of my human and into my vampire.

I'm going to stop the foolishness that I once was trying to hold onto.

It was the reason.

It was the problem.

And now its gone.

I can see the whole through new eyes. Being what I am was not a curse like I thought. It was a blessing.

August 9th

Doc contacted me today. I brought up my little science project that I have been planing. He has agreed to assist if needed.

August 13th

I have not talked to my child. I did not inform him that I was going away or the fact that I am back.

I didn't tell any of the family really. Perhaps I will try to contact them see how the past few months have been though I have been told Jesse is in the Shadow Realm.

We shall see what happens.

[Renee]

September 4th

3384

[Renee]

September 9th

4384

10000

[Renee]

September 15th

7773

20000

The new childer needs a new lesson >.>

[Renee]

September 16th

7773

20000

150

[Renee]

September 18th

7773

30000

150

I need a new hobby >.>

[Renee]

October 8th

7773

100000

275

I've started having dreams. They seem to make me violent in the day, but it's self violence. Maybe I will talk to someone if it gets worse. Right now the biggest issue is having to clean my sheets every night. Good think I have Jocky to do that for me.

Specking of her I finally got her her own bed and it's in her own room. I'll still be locking her door during the day though.

I felt as though she should have her own space. Everyone needs some alone time.

My alone time though might be getting a guess soon. Not just a meal either. Eirik.

At fist I thought it was just him being protective but it seems to e going in a different direction though I can not be sure right now. It is still early.

[Renee]

October 12

7773

110000

325

I haven't heard form Eirik but that is no surprise.

I don't really care anymore.

I'm trying for TY again but I can't tell if it will end well or not. We shall see.

Then there is Him....

There is something about Him and I don't know what it is.I feel like an idiot around Him.

I am an idiot so that might be it.

[Renee]

October 13th

7773

110000

325

I showed Him my room the other night. I think I might of scared him.

I gave Him a copy to the rooms and told Him he could use it when ever he needed.

I don't ******* know why I did that.

We where hanging out and talking and, even though it had it moments of me being a total dumb ***, I thought we where getting along, but then he just got this look on his face. I don't know if it was sadness or an anger or what but I asked him if there was anything I could do to cheer him up and he told me what would help. So I show him the room and BAM! insta-fear all over his face. Why I let that man put in all those tools is beyond me but what ever. I had never want to show anyone that room other then Axel but thats because He seems to know everything anyway.

So why the **** did I show Him that? ****. ****. ****!

Maybe I should go back to believing what I was raised to believe. Might save me some time, money, feelings.

******* feelings.

On a happier note though. I love Vel! She is such a life saver in so many ways.

GOD!!!!

......****!