An Account of Existence

[Jonah]

I am unsure who I am writing this to but I hope that someone is able to find benefit in it.

During my current...existence, I have been forced to endure the Shadow Realm three times if I remember correctly. Some of this life is...clouded to me but I think that the time there that I remember will be enough for this.

I remember the first time I was sent there. I was still new to this life and had dealt with too many guards that had caught me stealing. I was still struggling with accepting what I was. The name of my path, Killer, felt wrong. It wasn't me. It was something thrust on me. Something new.

Moriah was the one that "killed" me. I don't like using that term for what I experienced. Killing and death has more of a sense of finality to me that, at least for now, the Shadow Realm does not carry. I don't have the language to explain it any other way and that is how most people identify the act.

Anyway, it was during that first trip that I was forced to accept that the...traits I possess as a vampire were not created by the act of turning me. This existence might amplify some, but everything I am now I had the potential to be even as a human. When Moriah...let's say sent me to avoid using the other word. When Moriah sent me, she shot me in the head.

You probably know that we heal quickly by now but a bullet to the brain still scrambles things. Some just get stupid. If you've seen the CrowNet, you can search and see the garbled ramblings of the few that sit at a computer with a hole in their head. It wasn't like that for me. I...regressed. Luckily, I was not here to be a threat towards revealing our kind.

The Shadow Realm...if you haven't been there, it's difficult to explain. As the name implies, it's a shadow of this place. Wandering through it, if you have your senses about you, you can find familiar places but they're...twisted. Calling it a mockery would be too strong a word. It's just that a copy of something is not the same as the original and everything is just different enough to not feel the same.

I did not see this the first time. My mind gone I was more animal than anything. I was hurt and I was hungry and I attacked everything I came across. Have you heard anyone talk about the Darkness? It's what most people say makes us what we are. It's what the stories are told about. The marauding monster killing everything in sight. That's what I was. I realized though, that wasn't the vampire in me, it was just me. Sure, this new...existence might have made it stronger, but this was all there before. My brain was the same brain, my personality is the same personality. For me to be able to turn in to that...it all had to exist before.

When I came back, I was still half wild from living like that and my mind still healing. I went to the hunting grounds and stayed there for as long as I could. Short excursions in to town kept me from getting to weighed down from all the furs I collected but I had to learn control. I still...resisted some. I saw success as learning to control that part of me. I still tried to keep it separate.

It all went to hell when I killed the cop. I honestly don't remember why I did it and I don't know if I ever did. I just remember letting go and murdering him in the street. I got a bounty again and the hunters came for me. I knew that I had done wrong but I was trying to work my way off of the list so when they attacked, I defended myself. Gave as good as I got, if not better. It was then that I started to really see that these were not two sides of myself but the same thing.

I turned myself over to Mircea and he taught me control. Not control over my vampiric nature, but control over myself. He made me see that my actions and reactions are guided by me. The same way you flinch when someone waves something in front of you face, maybe you didn't consciously decide to blink but it was still you blinking.

Phoenix sent me that time after Mircea called her in to make sure that I was in total control and she shot me in the head. That made it easier to slip in to the Darkness while I was there but I knew then that it was part of me. The Realm was still...difficult. It saps your strength. I think that's on purpose. As...painful as it is, it's a test. It forces us to prove that we're not weak, that we deserve Nox's gift to return from there.

And I did. I fought and showed my strength until I was able to return. As terrible as the Shadow Realm is, it's my belief that it is a world perfect for us. There is no need for the Masquerade and we can merely exist. It is a brutal existence, so perhaps it as much warning as it is perfect, but so many view the Darkness of the Realm, the Darkness in themselves, as something outside of the natural order of things. It is because of this that we have so many that cannot accept this existence, so many that rail against it and so many that are mindless. Both see this existence as separate from the previous one.

One group wants to squash it down, ignore it and say that nothing has changed. And to a certain degree, they're right. We all are still the same people we were before but there are changes and to ignore them is to invite disaster. Saying that we are completely changed though...they remove our choice. They want us to be nothing but animals, existing purely on instinct.

Regardless of our status as human or not-human, we are people.

[Jonah]

Zodiac's reading has been on my mind quite a bit in recent nights. It has weighed heavily on me since the evening it occurred but since all of the changes that have happened since then...I wonder if I've taken suitable steps away from the problematic future she predicted or if I'm merely running towards it all the more quickly.

The reality of eternity seems to be equal parts blessing and curse from Nox. I am reminded of the legend of Adam and Eve. As much as freewill was the ultimate gift of mankind, it is also the curse that caused them to be cast out of paradise. What paradise are we being denied by this existence? Perhaps we are not so different from humanity as we want to think. Perhaps our punishment is our lack of a peaceful existence. Maybe that is why we continue on in our current situation. Chasing our tails, constantly trying to build something akin to a functional society up, only for it to be pushed back over like the Tower of Babel.

With the knowledge that we will likely exist for always, there is no reason to not continue on like we have because "what is the worst that could happen?" I admit that I have had a similar mindset for much of my time here. I have willingly offered myself up for transgressions, not considering that this could be the time that I don't have the strength to return. How many have fallen in to the Shadow Realm for forever? What guarantee do we have that this existence really is a constant?

For now, I choose to not think about the possibility too much. While I will be more...conservative about what I choose to do, I will not let the potential of being too weak to return keep me from living this life in the manner that I believe is best. This brings me to the other thoughts that have been circling in my mind.

So many of our kind leave their shadowy corners, looking for validation in others. While I had reserved myself to remaining in my corner for the eternity I have already lamented, it seems I am being drawn out of it from two sources. Tytonidae, an organization I have respected since my earliest nights here has formally requested that I join their ranks and already I am nearly through the minimum required time serving as a Bridge member. While I fully expect that more time will be required, it is some comfort that I have made it through this far. I feel filled with a sense of purpose that I have lacked since Cassandra first informed me of my status as a Hammer of Nox. Some might question my ability to serve as a member of this organization and maintain my faith but I believe that Tytonidae is the group most likely to lead us towards a unified society that can function in the modern world, which is what I have been called to assist with.

On the other side of this, my lack of purpose has been magnified previously by my lack of connection to others. Maddra and I have still barely spoken but I feel like things might be improving marginally there. Time heals all wounds and, if things go according to plan, time is not a commodity we are lacking in. Keara is another, interesting matter. Though I do not see her often, she does seem significantly....more. More what, I don't think I could identify. Simply more. It's as if she has taken another step out of the Shadow Realm and in to this world.

For better or worse, the reason for that step is Enver. He and I have talked very little and though we have many differing views, I do believe that we want similar ultimate outcomes. Remembering how he related to me the events of his and Keara's meeting though...it affected me. And really, their entire romance has to some degree.

While I have regretted my many mistakes due to the relationships it has cost me and have mourned their loss, it is only after seeing them together and Zodiac's reading that the reality of being alone for forever struck me. The Vedarian line will always be important to me, but Tytonidae is helping more with those fears and in more ways than was expected.

Because of them I have met my angel and in her I find even more purpose. I worry that my past makes me unworthy but she has asked me to see past all of that and so I do that as best I can. She has introduced me to a world that makes it feel like I do not need to be ashamed, a feeling I have had since even before my turning. With her, eternity really does feel like less of a curse. But now, an eternity without her...I do not know if I am strong enough to endure that.

As cruel as it is, perhaps that is a punishment to consider. Something that will feel like more than a minor inconvenience. Excommunication. Persona non grata. Force all ties to be cut and make them a pariah until they demonstrate the ability to function in a civilized society. Many might disagree with this. Many will likely say that we are monsters or beasts that live lives of instinct that cannot be denied. I disagree. We have choice and we choose to be monsters or animals or people.

[Jonah]

Sustainability. It's a term that I used to hear on the news a lot, not that I ever really kept track of current events that much but you still pick up on things. Sustainability of oil, water, food, oxygen. One would think that as individuals that no longer require anything to survive, that issues of sustainability would no longer need to be considered.

It would seem that one would be wrong.

The sustainability of our society is currently under consideration, and rightfully so. While I have had many thoughts on this matter privately, I have not spoken publicly because of the stigma against those that do. The stigma is not without reason though. Many that believe that our existence should not be hidden but instead of a controlled movement towards integration, they seem to believe that there would be no issues with the revelation that immortal creatures that feed on the blood of the living are currently walking among them.

It is for that reason that I was surprised I was contacted by Wendigo to discuss what he is calling a "middle road." A compromise of sorts that acknowledges the faults with both current approaches to the situation and to try and move something that is...realistic. I am of course a great supporter of this and have many ideas on this topic that I will likely write out here at some point to better formulate approaches.

As I have considered this topic though, my mind has turned to other issues with sustainability. In a world where the existence of vampires is a known way to gain immortality, will there be any that will not attempt to be turned? Perhaps the many followers of religions that preach an afterlife will reject it, but others? And then, as children grow up with vampires, the stigma against being turned will fade and then we will have none that do not desire to be turned as the old guard slowly dies off.

Where will that leave us? A single species, completely dominating the planet, with no true humans to feed from. Rats and rabbits and chickens will make a suitable substitute but how long will that last? Eventually, there will be more of us then there are of the animals and then...back to square one, nothing to feed from. There is always the possibility that a synthetic chemical will be created that will suit our needs but until that happens, I do not want to assume it will.

It is true that there is not a real "need" to feed, though the hunger and desire to can be overwhelming. It is completely possible for our bodies to continue to function after it completely. We do become more sustainable to being sent to the Shadow Realm since I know of no one that has not gone there without first having all their blood spilled. But what else do we lose when we do not feed. I feel like I learn the powers that define the different paths more slowly when I do not feed regularly. For the most part, I do not actively train to learn any particular ability but there is a greater struggle to tap into them.

Perhaps that is closer to the origin of our species, I know that Keara has said that we gained abilities much more slowly before the Holocaust, but it would still be something that we would be giving up. I do not think that I will come to a solution this night but I do think that for us to continue to grow as we have, we will need to find a way to shift from being a parasite on humanity to at least having a mutually beneficial existence and possibly pull them out of our food chain completely.

During my time as a Necurat, I survived almost completely off of Blood Heals. I acknowledged then that that was not a sustainable solution but since then, Blood Heals have become easier to produce, taking less to perform. Perhaps that would be a viable solution

[Jonah]

Business today has been, as usual, slow. What has been less usual is the manuscript given to me by a young woman named Harper. It is strange to think of her as a "young" woman since she is likely not that much younger than myself. Still, it is difficult to think of her as anything else when the likely differing experiences we have had is so great. Her person is not what is so interesting, it is the manuscript she gave me.

The description at the beginning of it tells me that this is some form of creation myth of her tribe, the Ishak people. Some research showed that they are more well known as the Atakapa, a very interesting people. I hope to do more research on them soon but right now, my mind is focused on the first story.

The Goddess came from the water. Her body broken by the waves. Her eyes wild and red. The warriors attacked her with weapons. Spears pierced her skin but she did not bleed and healed before their eyes. Both were taken by her, nails digging in to their throats. Fangs appeared in her mouth and she fed from both of them. Her beauty came then. Strange words, the words of the Gods, filled their ears and they fell down in fear. She smiled and it was like the sun. Her words filled our minds then, our language not sullying her tongue. "I am your Goddess. Worship me and I will show you strength."

As creation myths go, it is...very strange. The Goddess is hardly a benevolent deity but the Atakapa were a very different people. My limited research on Wikipedia has told me that the Atakapa were cannibals and that they originated from the sea. this was listed as their creation story but it's not clear to me if this is the same origin from the sea that Wikipedia mentioned. Again, more research needs to be done.

What has really drawn my eye is the description of the Blood Goddess. I know that they are not uncommon, Quetzcotl comes to mind, but since this existence has been revealed to me, I cannot help but wonder if perhaps there was more to all of these stories than we might have once thought. Would we not be considered Gods during another time?

I am going to read more in this journal and research. I believe that this book is a step towards needed information.

[Jonah]

Tonight is an evening of bitter-sweetness. I have been weighed and found to not be wanting and am now a full member of Tytonidae. At some point, I will likely comment more on what this means and how I hope it will affect me and how I will affect it, but my thoughts are weighed down by more personal matters.

I failed her. I do not know how and I do not know when, but that I did is obvious. She sought comfort in the arms of another. I cannot blame her. I should have known better than to attempt to be what I could not. As I failed Maddra and Wolffyn, so did I fail her.

A part of me wants to ruin both of them. I have the strength and I doubt that any would fault me for it. That is not my calling though. I am called to endure and that is what I shall do. Though it pains me, I wish them the best.

[Jonah]

Much has happened and I have found it difficult to find the time to devote to maintaining what has become a sort of journal for me. There is a lot I could write about and likely will when I have more time available to me, but for now my time is limited and I want to put pen to paper concerning a particular event.

Was it two nights ago? I don't know, they seem to run together now since I've hardened my body to the sun and am working all hours possible at the store. I was at the asylum and came across Keara's new childe. That she had turned someone, I was not aware but am not surprised. I have pulled away from the family due to the events before this, something I need to change.

Her name is Charlotte and she was scared of me. She...blocked me from my powers, though I only figured this out after the fact. This caused me to change back to my previous form though it also left me unable to give her needed blood. Did these actions block me from Nox? That is a...worrying concept. What is more worrying to me though is if that is not the case.

My contact with those on the telepath's path is limited and I do not yet understand their powers myself. I don't believe that it is...spiritual though, at least not inherently. If this power does not cut me off from Nox though, then why does my curse disappear with my power?

[Jonah]

I am more assured of my self and my purpose than I have been in many nights, but there are some mistakes that still weigh heavily on my mind. Despite my lack of intention in doing so, I have pushed a friend away, a friend that needed support and instruction that I could offer and that she was not receiving elsewhere. I know that she is safe, her time card at the bookstore is regularly punched, but our paths no longer cross, even there.

Many of our line are loners and so time between seeing specific members is not normally a concern but...this feels different, and I know why. Actions I took made her view me as a predator, and perhaps that is a fair assessment. This is a weight I do not easily bear though. She is more than merely a vampire, she is a member of this family and...it is difficult to deal with the fact that any of them do not trust me. Perhaps this weighs on me more heavily in recent nights due to the silence on Maddra's part.

It does not matter though. Where I might once have attempted to let this situation resolves itself on its own, I believe it is time for me to continue to change and adapt and determine if it is possible for me to earn the trust that I desire to have and be given another opportunity to teach the fledgling.