Return to madness

[Renee]

Madness...in the short time that I have been a vampire I have found myself changing, though I am not sure if it is for the best. I'm not talking about just the fact that I can no longer cut my hair without it growing back in a matter of moments or the fact that I now have these 'powers' but its my mind and thoughts that are changing as well....I feel I need to keep something for me to go back to if I start changing too much....maybe it will help pull me back to how I 'normaly' am and keep me from turning into some sort of monster....I suppose it started the night of my turning. I use to question everything, I blam that on my father being a phiolsopher and a preacher and drilling it into my head every of my 'life' but when I was turned I never questioned why I chose to believe every word out of his month or any thing he told me to do. It was like some sort of force that made me want to do what ever he said. It reminded me of how my parents would fallow God's word, or what they said was God's word, with out question. It was like he had turned into my 'god'...even seeing this myself is odd. Just the thought that he has some sort of sway over me is mind blowing. Now he has not made me do anything I havent wanted to do but is that do to me trusting him or is that just another part of this change that I am going through? As of right now I have no clue...I will need to write more at a later point but for now this will be a goot start.

[Renee]

"One, two,... three, four. One, two,... three, four. One, two,... three, four. One two,... three, four." I find this going through my head more and more lately. I have never realized how loud it was to be human. When one is human you have some kind of nosie around you at all times. I'm not talking about tv or cell phones or the radio or anything like that. Hell I still have that if I make myself want it. I'm talking about the sound of breathing. The sweet rush of air and it goes in and fills your lungs but only for a moment before it is pushed from ones body by the muscals in the lungs, mine are now functionless. There is also the rythmic beating and druming of the heart beat. The one, two,... three, four of it movies that sweet life giving force that is blood through the body.Keeping it warm and flowing. This is the sound that I try to mimik in my mind with my counting. Now that I am dead i can no longer hear these time keepers of life. Well I can still hear them they are just not my own nor my sires, or his other childer.I think perhaps I should get a pet. Either a cat or dog. Just something that I will be able to hold to my body to warm me and just so I can hear the sweet music of life again as I lay down for the day. It would be better then my counting to try and easy my thoughts from racing through my mind. I could simply hold the animal and hear its rythem and fall into my slumber.

[Renee]

I find it odd that though I feel myself changing and becomeing what ever it is I am turning into it doesnt appare that other have noticed. Though yes not many know me from before that I am normaly in contact with but the few that I am, mainly those from the bar, seem to think I am still the same me. Now they could be right and I am only coming up with this changing in my own mind. I feel I should test this some how though I am unsure how to test this. I should think of asking those in the family if any of them have a way to explore others minds and see if they are just making things up in my mind. Or maybe its something physicaly changing in me. I suppose I could get someone to check that. Though they would have to be a vampire and someone that my sire trusted. I shall look into both of these I suppose...and I still need to look into finding an animal...

[Renee]

We had a family meeting this past weekend. Jesse's mate wasnt there and it was unsettling. Not really because something might of happened to her or that something might be going on between the two but because what ever is going on and he replaces her that means we can all be replaced in one way or another. I do hope that things end up well though. My sire showed up with some woman and this was, in my mind, very odd. I know that most people need someone to care for but this was not what I was expecting. She was all over him. My human family was very religous and the most I saw my parent do was hold hands and that was only in the house when no one else was around. So seeing this made me un easiy. It was like seeing my father with a whore. The other thing that bothered me was she was there at a family gathering. Let me say that again...FAMILY GATHERING! she is not family. Her being there and seeing everyone in the family and where the head of our faimly lives is a breach of security to me. So I tryed to find some stuff out about her. Turns out she is into dog fighting...but only for the money she says. Now this clearly made both myself and my "sister" Ursa upset. I'm not sure how hard it was for her not to want to rip this ***** into nothing more then mush on the floor but it took a lot out of me to stop myself. She was lucky Axel was there to stop us other wise I cant see her getting out of there alive. Both her and Axel left shortly after this. I hope to never see her again but I feel I will. The subject of ones "other half" came up, no thanks to the whore, and this furthered my un easy. Everyone else seems to have or have had someone but myself. I never had someone because I never had the time to try and find someone. Though now i suppose I have nothing but time and that I should find someone. I feel this will be easier said than done. Maybe I should go talk to 'Doc' that my sire has talked about before. If nothing else he is someone out side of the family and maybe he could teach me a thing or two.

[Renee]

I got to thinking. I know I said I want to talk to 'Doc' but I dont know anything about this guy. I know they call him Doc but is that because he is a doctor or is it an irronic thing? And if he is a doctor is he a medical doctor or some kind of shrink? Or is it like a PHD doctor and he was really good at history or english or something like that. Both my parents where "doctors" but neither of them where even close to being fit to work on someones body or their minds. I was over half way to my PHD before I desided to come her and open a bar. Not the greatest 'life' choose mind you but hey at least now if I wanted to I could go back and finish that PHD. I dont know maybe I'm over thinking this meeting with Doc. I should just go in with no expectations and just see what happens. Worse comes to worse he never wants to do anything with me again and I get out of the appartment for a few hours. Best case I have someone outside the family to talk to about thinks. Side note I'm also thinking about meeting up with Ursa outside of the apprtment to see what all is going on. Oh I also have a new "little sister" though I dont know anything about her yet but I guess Ill find out at some point...Also thinking of moving out and getting my own place. I'm tired of my sires new whore being around and it is really difficault not to stab her every time I see her.

[Renee]

I am tired of being alone. Even though my human family was not the best someone could ask for they were my family. If something was bothering me I knew I would have a shoulder to cry on or at least arms to wrap around me and try to comfort me. With my new vampire family I am un sure if they could try and comfort me or if they would look at me as though I am odd. I really just want a hug and for some one to listen to me and understand what Im going through. I just want to be touched and feel someone again.

[Renee]

So I am in the process of joining TY. As long as they want me in that is. Both Axel and Jesse are in it. I bring this up in here because if I do join them, I believe a lot of my now 'normal' life will change. Hopefully for the better. They had a sort of birthday party for the group the other weekend. I went. Axel was there. He looks good in suit. Should wear one more often....yeah I dont see that happing anytime soon....or ever really...Jesse was also there and looking good. Though I am sure he always does. Again though is mate was not there. Some other woman was with him. I am very curious now as what has happened. Cat was there. Axel said she wants to make up for our first meeting. We shall see how she intends to do so. Doc was there, looking very dashing in his suit. Though I think he is dashing anyway. We danced. It was very nice. I was able to shut the randomness up in my head while we danced. He moves very gracefully. I had to leave early though. Even though they where silent while I was danceing it didnt take them long to jump right back in with there craziness. It makes me have headachs now if I cant get them to shut up. I asked Axel what else happened after I had left. He said all the young girls where all over Doc. That there was some sort of dare that was placed to mess with him and so Axel wanted to know if I was part of that or if I was really intrested in Doc. I was not part of the dare and it took me a moment to think on if I was intrested. I suppose I am. I am not sure though do to the fact that I have never been with anyone or anything like that. Axel said I should try and go on a 'date' with Doc. Maybe I will. Axel did tell me though that Doc is married. Apparently his wife is never around though. I guess we shall see how this too will play out.

[Renee]

Axel is in my head now. Some new power he has. I know he is trying to help drown out the thoughts but in truth he is just another voice inside my head. I suppose I should see if anyone in TY know what it could be but in truth, I am scared. Most of the time they are just anyoning little thoughts. What is green? Can a cow swim? Two plus two is four. Other times the seem to be almost helpful. Shouldn't feed here. Somethings coming this way. Someone is watching you. There times when they seem amlost nice. That outfit looks good on you. Your hair smells nice. I really like your eyes right now. But lately they have become...violent. No one likes you. Everyone hates you. You should kill everyone. Cut their necks open. Watch them bleed out. Drink their blood. Slit their wrist. Rip them apart. And its not just towards others. Take the knife and stab it through your heart. Go piss Axel off and he will gladly do it for you. I'm sure Jesse wouldn't mind getting ride of a weakling like you, bringing down the Fforde name. Your sibiling want you gone too, they don't like be second or third to a small fry like yourself. I'm sure Cat wouldnt mind you being out of the way either. She could have Axel all to herself then. Just go ahead and tell the world where TY hides out, I'm sure they will enjoy choping you into little bits. I feel it changing my emotions. I know I would never hurt anyone in my Family or in TY. I would also never do anything to let humans know about us. I just dont know how much longer I will be able to stay myself. I do find i want to kill things more offten now where as before I didn't want to unless I had to. Now I find I'm doing it just for the fun of it. If I make it into TY I will ask for help but for now I will do my best to hide this. I am thankful that Axel can not hear them yet....

[Renee]

I was able to open up a business and I am in the process of fixing it up right now. It gives me something to do at least. I spent Christmas alone. The voices where even gone. It was nothing but silent. I didn't stay in the appartment. I went out to the grave yard and stayed in one of the tomes. It was better then hearing people around me having a merry christmas. I wonder if they will all be like this now. I did get my puppy I wanted. Though now I want more. The voices started back up after christmas. I really hope I can find out what is going on soon but who knows. My sire has apprently been, to put it as i heard, "sleeping with the enemy". I find myself wonder what to do if an altercation is to brake out. Do i stay with the man i see as a king or to i go with my kings god....in truth i dont think either one would care either way but maybe thats just me starting to listen to the voices...

[Renee]

The holidays have happened and no surpirse, I spent them alone. The voices kept me busy though. The keep talking and never shut up. I have been able to ID a few different ones. There is my Agro. It is harmless. Its the one that come up with stupid questions and random facts to shoot into my head. It was the first to show up and has been with me the longest. I am pretty sure it has been with me from the begaining of my turning. I may never know because when I go to ask them anything I am ignored. The next would be Omie. It is the one that like to tell me that I should do better and more. A sort of after life couch as it were. Though it tends to send me on the path to outlaw then to do gooder. It does help me when it comes to hacking and making deals but other then that it does not do much at all. The third is Don. It is the one that tells me everything I do wrong. It is also the one that wants me to kill myself. It tells me I am worthless. The last one I have been able to name is Black. It is the one that wants me to kill everyone that is around me. It is either Don or Black that hurts me. I fear that they will hurt me too much one day. I have told Axel and Jesse they dont think I should worry. I have also told Cat and Doc...they seem to be a bit more conserned.....