Dear Diary...

[Candra (DELETED 4597)]

Dear diary…

They were right! They were all right! I am a wicked evil child, I am cursed and only cause pain and suffering! I should of kept my mouth shut, should have ignored it…but…but it took over and now they are dead…Why am I so stupid? Why do I have to break everything I touch? They had been so sad though…all I wanted was to make them stop smiling and cry…crying helps.

I can't cope, I feel like I am losing myself.

[Candra (DELETED 4597)]

Dear diary….

Today I meet my new nursy…I miss Isabel so much…I want my old nursy the one who loved me and looked after me. Isabel says this is all my fault, says that I am the reason she has lost her family and now here job…she said I basically injected her myself.

My new nursy is called Kelly and she seems really mean. I could feel how much she hated me, could feel the pleasure she got when the director said she had permission to hurt me. Everyone hates me, I am feel so alone…it hurts so bad. Not even in my dreams am I safe…slowly, so slowly I can feel my life slipping away and I am spending more time in my heaven instead of reality…

I can’t out run them they are to fast for some one as slow as me,
I can’t outsmart them for how do you outsmart yourself?
All I can do is let them come and haunt my every step.
All I can do is let myself fall deeper into the never ending nightmare.
This road is so full of traps I am scared to keep walking,
Its like each step I take closer to the minefield waiting to end it all.
While I tread so carefully my blood-soaked dress snags in the thorns and tears leaving me bear to the world, letting them all see the scars they made on my once perfect skin,
Carefully not to step on the minefield you left out here to finish what you began in this painful cycle of harsh words,
Can you please just for one day end this never ending nightmare you made me live in for so long?
I can’t deal with it anymore just a few hours rest might let me last a little longer and give you better show,
Just a few moments of quite in the storm raging in my heart,
I know it will only end once your dead but I can’t lose you, your all I have left in this world you’re my angel of death.
My bare feet are blistered and sore from the fires of hell that wrap around my limp frame pulling my closer to the end,
My skin once perfect now marked from all the sharp whips your tongue left on my body, not one part of me inside or out is left unscarred not even I know who I am anymore,
My once quick mind now broken into little bits and scattered about this nightmare of a world, the world you have made me live in.
I give up, I don’t care, all hope is gone from my life, all I can live for is the thought that soon I will die and be free from your harsh words, the words that broke my heat.
“How could I ever love a monster from a nightmare.” You said this, now you have become the monster and I the one living in the nightmare of my mind.

Until next time…

[Candra (DELETED 4597)]

Dear Diary

It hurts, everything hurts…what have I done to deserve this? Nurse Kelly came into my room last night, she walked in with a whip in her hand and asked me how she was feeling…I don’t lie so I told her the truth that she was happy…I had no idea that she was happy because she would be beating me, if only I hadn’t of spoken, but I did and now I am in so much pain. She told me I am stupid, told me I am the child of the devil and she was right…the voices in my head tell me I should vanish and I am starting to think it would be a good idea.

Should I disappear? Should I let my mind die? I miss Isabel..

Tears streak down my face as I wait for my angel to find me here alone.
Blood falling from my lips as I cry out to her to save me once more from this pain I feel deep in my broken heart.
No one can help me the way she once did, no one can heal my broken wings the way she once could.
Soft touches in lonely nights that is what she was to me once.
Tears follow a invisible trail down my cheek to my heart as I beg for her to come and save me once more from this blood-soaked nightmare.
Where is my angel?
Where is my light?
Where is my life?
Have I lost it all once and for all?
Is this the end of my dream?
Is this the end of love?
Is this the end of life?
Dreaming of quick end to this painful existence.
Praying for just one more look at my loving angel.
I take the last sip of poison hoping this will end it all.
The last words you will ever hear me say are,
“Where is my angel?”

[Candra (DELETED 4597)]

Dear Diary.
The voices are getting louder, I lay awake at night staring at the ceiling and I wonder if this is all that my life will ever be. Sometimes I am left on my knees as I try to pray, try to find even a small amount of freedom from this prison…but I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that my life is just one big puss filled wound, no one will ever love me.

It’s been so long since I was last held I have forgotten what it was like, it’s been far too long since I was able to look at myself in the mirror. Night after night I find myself curling up and crying…but I am slowly becoming use to this pain, slowly learning that crying doesn’t work…I need to move on, I need to escape…


Yes I’ll escape.

From now on I am going to give into my voices, going to let them control me. From this day on I am going to accept their help and distance myself from this hell I have found myself in. No one will ever hurt me again if I stop letting them see my pain.

From now on when I am sad I am going to smile, I won’t let them use my pain against me anymore. The voices say they have created a special place in my mind, a place I’ll be safe…I am going to that special place now…I’m sorry Diary, I’m not strong enough.

My life once full now feels empty with out your warm touch to heat my skin.
Freezing out the memories from a warm past my heart slowly heals this time harder.
My once happy life fights to stay alive as the cold ice freezes me deep within.
Freezing out thoughts of joy my heart hardens like ice to keep it safe from being broken once more.
I have learnt to walk this dark road alone no one to guide me.
My life once meant something but now I walk alone down this cold path to hell.
Freezing the fires around me as I walk my head held high for only I know the truth to love.
Walking alone down this cold path I smile and push forward deeper into this place known by many.
This time I wont break I walk this road alone and come out the other end stronger, harder and smiling.