Matilda - Waking Journal

[Matilda]

Day - Unknown
Time - 12am
Awake for - 16 hours

Dear Anyone and Anything,

Today is the longest I've been lucid in months, I don't feel the crushing weight of the dream air around me - so thick and cloying, like every step is heavy and burdened by the strangest of atmospheres. It's funny really that when I first went to sleep it was a comfort that weight, embracing and safe, warm to my cold skin. How did it slowly shape itself into a nightmare around me?

I've missed so much, so much and I can't even begin to catch up. Frankly I'm not sure I want to try, I think starting fresh is the best thing for me now, holding onto the handful of people who truly always mattered and always welcomed me back the times I did stumble from the earth. I found myself sleeping underground a lot, moving occasionally between houses and to places I knew. This time I woke up in Eden and turns out I'd been there a long time just sleeping wherever there was a hidden place - how I got under the bar I'm not entirely sure but it was strange to wake up to chatter, music and people walking by like they hadn't a clue I was there.

Maybe I go invisible when I sleep, maybe I turn into a dream myself. Is that possible? Can I slip into the dream world, into another place physically too? Oh, I don't know I feel like I've gone insane but there's no way of telling. It doesn't really matter now, I feel the layers of the dream peeling away, I'm shedding it like a snake to the skin that constricts it from growing and this time, this time I won't be the stupid snake that gets stuck. I won't die in this half shed skin, I'll wriggle free that much I promise.

There are people I've missed but I'm not sure they'll even know me now, maybe to them I'll be some phantom of a time gone by, someone they used to know, used to love. I'm not sure how I feel about this yet, but with each hour I feel more alive, more real and more ready to face those I left behind. Was never really much for social behaviour, I mean I had friends and I had fun with them but crowds don't appeal to me, making false niceties to appease the masses seems pointless. I must appear so vacant, aloof - one of my friends once told me she was scared to approach as I seemed too cool, too mysterious. I've told you before about my past, right? Yeah, yeah I wrote that down somewhere... I mean I was happier, more outgoing once. Once.

I'm rambling again, that's okay, I think I'm done now. Matilda is ALIVE... As much as a vampire can be, I am here and I am awake for now. I'll see how long this lasts, the longest was a few days, maybe I can try a week without more than a few naps. Wish me luck, whoever you are, whoever I am - I don't want to go back to sleep forever.

Yours Truly,

Matilda Fleur.
Charmer, the Wild, A West.

[Matilda]

Day - Wednesday
Time - 3am
Awake for - 2 days I believe

Dear Anyone and Anything,

I think it's been two days, maybe three since I woke up. It's 3am now and I know I only have a few more hours before the sun will come up, so far I have managed to fight off deep sleep and only taken to light rest, waking easily from loud noises. It's the best thing to do to avoid slipping into that void again, though I'm starting to question whether I should avoid it.

Things have indeed changed a lot but still there are a few friendly faces who seemed happy to see me, welcomed me back when I popped by to say hello. Some even went so far as to say they had missed my presence, I was actually pretty shocked and humbled by that. People miss me? REALLY? That was nice, I felt a little more wanted than I had for a while but without any pressure of people needing me to stay.

Beginning to feel like I let some friends done by disappearing, let some loved ones down but I didn't mean to. I feel a partial guilt but I also don't think my lack of presence made all that much difference to them, they kept on going, maybe sparing me the odd thought. It's good really, I wouldn't have wanted anyone to stop or get lost like I did, it's pointless and dreary.

Nothing else too eventful thus far, no real run ins but have had some fun getting on gangster's cases, chasing animals through the wilderness and I even got to hunt a few zombies again. I'd missed the taste of blood, a foul thing to admit even if it is the truth. I missed scents too, there were memories of scents in my dream, at times I got lost in scents that lead to new dreams, tumbling sheets and the smell of musk, pine needles, something indescribably male and delicious. Then there was the scent of fear, that tangy, cloying scent that you can't shake.

I want to smell, to taste, to touch everything right now; I feel like I'm born again and bound to do foolish things in my quest to quench this new thirst for interaction. What have I got to lose? A limb? That will grow back eventually.

Yours Truly,
Matilda

[Matilda]

Day - Friday
Time - 2am
Awake for - 4 days and counting

Dear Anyone and Anything,

A week is creeping closer and closer, already I've reached out to a few friends though some appear to sleep like I did. As predicted my heightened senses have lead me to a little spot of trouble, I've developed a taste for excitement, for those with adrenaline pumping through their veins. Gangsters, blood thieves and other criminals have that perfect mix of fear, excitement and at times smug assurance. The places I have to hang around in to find these naughty little scoundrels aren't the best but that's part of the thrill of it, a delicate blonde with wide blue eyes stumbling into a dodgy bar looking a lost; would you peg the murder on the doll in the corner?

I try not to kill but with these impure creatures it's just so bloody hard to stop once you start, in my head I've started calling them Pringles - that's a little weird, right? Well, for me I guess they are food... Ugh, at least I'm eating again instead of just laying there, occasionally managing to use the powers I'd gained to draw blood. While I was sleeping I felt my powers slipping though, when I woke I realised I would have to learn them all over again, going through the motions to gain back that which I had lost and boy has it been a pain in my lily white arse!

Enjoying discovering them again though, picking up some new ones along the way too. Now if only I could use them to make myself forget, because every time I close my eyes I slip closer to the dreams, closer to the waiting embrace of pure darkness. There is always that lingering scent, too, that welcoming warm scent that feels like home. Maybe it's not just the dream now but that fact that I'm back in "The Apartment", yep, that place... Probably not so wise to return so soon but my things were still there, folded up in the drawers the way I'd left them and the air was stale, the scent lingering but faint as if he hadn't slept there in forever.

I'd wager the cabin has been home for him for a long time now, enjoying the winter months there chopping fire wood and chasing animals, being wild. I'm a bit jealous, it's slowly getting warmer and I'm not yet accustomed to the idea of breaking from my hibernation completely. I was thinking of going to the cabin but it never really felt like my place, the woods outside it yes, but inside the cabin too many others had been, put some mark on it and the one who owned it for me to feel completely safe there.

God I wish Lyonel was here, my sweet Lyon would soothe my concerns, he'd help me find the way home. Gabe too, my strong boy, the secure one who has his head on straight - my protector. I miss them so much now that I'm awake, now that I can't call them and run to them. They aren't standing outside my door with open arms, waiting for me to come back anymore and it saddens me, how selfish to hope they'd still be here.

Well... Until next time.

Yours Truly,

Matilda.