Fragments (Dominque's Personal Record)

[Dominique]

Lost my other diary. Thinking it was the raccoons or whatever that walked off with the loaf of bread that have it. I did have salsa spilled on it and anything is fair game out here both for human and animal alike. Not too worried about it missing. I don’t remember anything terribly important in there. Could be wrong but doubtful. Besides I think Jane Doe on the inside cover could mean anyone and not likely anyone would trace it back to me…or even looking for me here. I am sure most are betting on me sitting in a garage somewhere in California or New York or even Miami making connections and doing what it seemed I was born to do.

Since the last entries aren’t available I guess I will summarize briefly what has happened in the last few weeks. Some of it is worth remembering and that is the purpose of this blank book isn’t it? A record of sorts about events and experiences. Let’s see if it serves its purpose or not.

I found out that there is stuff going on that far exceeds me being concerned about the warrants in the states. When things are bad you are often told it can get worse…this is true. I won’t go into great detail in case a moose wants this for god knows what later. I only hope I see my way though all this so I can get myself together and perhaps lead a decent, respectable life after all is said and done. If not these pages will be left behind and I hope whoever comes across them will know I gave at least half a **** about what took place.

Took off my rose colored glasses and found this place tolerable. Not like there was a lot of choices after I came across someone who revealed my past was the least concern I should have. Once that information sank in to my hard head I was asked to make a difference. I never thought what I had done and been in trouble for would actually benefit those very people who would have gladly condemned me for it. For now I will do what I can. Its like a horror movie that continually grows in its dismal plot.

Outside that picture of sunshine and rainbows I admit to making a few friends, acquaintances or whatever you call them. All are involved in the same cause and that helps. I don’t feel so alone. I still keep my distance, keep my eyes and mind open and maintain my guard. Can’t be too careful or willing to trust with everything at stake.

Went to a costume party. Helped set it up. I am sure it was apparent I am not the hostess with the mostess but with everything else constantly on my mind I don’t care. It was actually fun. Went in my Batgirl outfit. I kept that damn thing all this time. That and the green dinosaur costume grandma made. She bitched the whole time she sewed it and never got why it was worth making. I thought I did. Now I know it took losing her and the life I had to truly appreciate anything that was ever there to begin with.

I made a comfortable place to stay where I feel the safest. Will give it time and I am sure I will find somewhere to settle down if things turn out as the few I know hope that it will. Just don’t see the point of something permanent if I don’t know what tomorrow holds. For now I have a few things to do. Back later

-D

[Dominique]

-R.I.P Benny-

-Bad Ink Shop, NYC :ll: Me & Benny ::ll:: Where the madness began-

I was online skimming through the hometown paper and found out Benny died. I am still stunned. I almost called Jeremy but I stopped before I went to push the last number. He has to be devastated. I wanted to hear his voice so badly but it was selfish and really the last thing I should be doing anyways. I can’t do that to him and Benny wouldn’t want me to. If Benny knew how things are now he would want Jeremy to be able to grieve without my ******** tossed on top of everything else. I love those guys. They are the big brothers I never had. Growing up I would have been lost without them.

Of course this got me thinking about things, perspectives and whatever. A lot of it those two amazing men taught me. There is a huge trust that takes place between artist and human canvas when permanent ink is involved. That is if the two involved are taking it seriously. What goes on the surface of your skin is a marker or badge of something so much deeper than the layers of skin it settles into. Tattooing, branding, piercing and marking of flesh has been the practice of ancient record keeping, identification, expression and ritual.

If anyone took ink seriously those guys did. No amount of money could get them to do work they didn’t feel first themselves. I watched them turn down full sleeves when their apartment fridge and kitchen cupboards were empty because they didn’t agree with what was being asked of them. It pissed off a few people but had me respecting them all the more. Sure they could have been huge compared to the small clientel they had at the shop. But it was never about the money to them. They said it was about the permanent message that was to be left behind and their own hand being a part of it. Beneath all their ink was two hearts of gold you couldn’t buy for all the money in the world.

Benny was an artist if there ever was one. All through school he was carrying a sketch pad and a whatever had ink left in it. He was the one who told me about the history of tattoos. I was fascinated because it was considered a sin in my house. Benny said there were clowns with crayons as he called it that you had to stay away from. There were tattooist’s who were in it for the money and never thought of their mark after it walked out of their shop. He didnt want to catch me sitting in their chairs either. The last he talked about were true artists. they felt their work long after it left town. they remembered every detail of the design, why it was chosen, how long it took to finish the piece and who was wearing it. Out of those examples of he said he was gonna be an artist. I told him he was as soon as he was born. He always had his head wrapped around any medium and form of expression and creativity. It was like he bled his soul into anything he touched or took an interest in. Everything was enriched by his presence. His tattoos exuded his passion for his work.

I remember my first one. Tattoo that is. Benny did it. I was 16 and hated needles. I would feel dizzy when I saw them. No surprise there since watching granddad being loaded up with them like some lab experiment. It was after his funeral I felt the need to have something with me constantly to feel closer to him. We were sitting on the roof of his uncles shop sipping his aunts bitter as hell lemonade. I swear that woman never heard of sugar. Anyways, the night was hot and beautiful. So many stars that you couldn’t count them if you tried. We both did. We quit at 100. I couldn’t cry anymore and my eyes throbbed. Benny kept trying to make me laugh but it wouldn’t work. Not even his impression of Jeremy talking to asshole customers…which was truly priceless.

That is when I asked him to be the first one. I thought he was gonna choke on the lemonade but it came out his nose. He didn’t know I meant a tattoo and thought I was ready to lose my cherry on a roof. When he was done blowing the lemonade out of his nose I nearly kicked his *** off the roof for laughing at me. I was like… “Dude, you are hot and all that but you are gay and my brother kinda-sorta and well everyone handles grief different but I am not looking to get laid to get over it.” Never seen Benny look more relieved.

I told him I wanted the first tattoo to be done by his hand and I wanted it done that night. He didn’t ask me if I was sure. He just looked at me as he finished that expertly rolled up cigarette that he was holding loosely between his fingers of his hand. He blew a few smoke rings in the air and I poked them with my finger like I always had. He smiled a bit as he pressed his graffiti tagged converse down on the last of what was still burning. I told him I decided I wasn’t saying goodbye and was holding on. His ink was going to be the reminder. He leaned over and kissed my cheek and didn’t say anything. He took my hand, helped me up and took me inside his uncles shop.

There was a lot of tears between both of us as we remembered grandpa. He loved Benny for being a great guy and looking out for me and even kicking my *** when I got in trouble and he was getting to old and sick to do it anymore. It was proof you don’t have to be blood to be family. It is about heart and doing the right thing on behalf of the other. It was hours of work and the pain from the beginning was nearly mind numbing. I asked for him to put it where it would hurt most and still be seen. Beyond that I let him have at it and work his magic. By the time he was finished and wrapping my leg in plastic wrap I found the tears were finally gone. No more feeling like he was leaving me behind. I had him with me.

I admit in that time of pain and what I felt was a epic loss something else was born. A passion for the art Benny was a master of and the burn and progression of its permanent result on the skin. Now I am going to break my self-imposed rule of no more ink since Benny and Jeremy weren’t around to do it. I am ready to add to his masterpiece because I refuse to let go of another person I love and always will. R.I.P Benny. I will tape a picture of the tattoo in the space below as soon as I get it done. Now to find the hand worthy of doing it. I refuse to allow just any ol' printed up clown with an ink gun at my skin.

[Dominique]

Had to tape this in here. A polaroid of a text I sent myself. Clever? Pointless? I will say its a mantra. I am growing a bit impatient. I had a nightmare last night that I was trapped in some dark void. there was no way out. Voices where hissing, cackling and growling at me as I moved from one corner to another. I heard chilling screams of fear, pain and defeat whine their way into my brain and the effects were chilling. I am not inclined to give up but to perhaps do what I raised to do if in a fight...to take up arms and prepare a strong defense. It's not like I think one can win a total war on their own but I do believe one can win it for the other side by doing nothing at all and remaining passive. It is not in my blood. I am tired of second guessing every sound, every shadow, every change in the air when I am outside or its getting close to dark. Rumor has it that even daylight is no time to feel completely secure.

Haven't heard from Chaz since I told him about everything ...well not everything but enough to not be surprised that I haven't heard from him. Hopefully he took off to return where he came from. Not because I don't care but likely because I do. He gave me a lot of reasons to think. Like a big brother of sorts. Similar to Verne. In fact those two are both MIA. Good on them. If you can find a way to tear your mind from being velcroed to what is going on here then you are entitled. I have a few amends to make in the past with some good deeds. I must make good on them here with what I see as the most bleak happening since they brought back Twinkies. Can you believe that? What a scam that was. Not like there isn't a few million still around from what...twenty years ago? They can be edible after all that time as long as they are sealed. Why can't these vermin survive on something else like that?

I have been building, stockpiling and preparing for the near future. Mess with me and it may get painful for those that do. I won't be quiet much longer. I am scared but not weak. A little more planning then hopefully there will be several reasons these blood sucking roaches will be eradicated. Burn the roofs and set fire to the city.They will come out eventually. Recruiting is now my focus. Time to get the word out and begin a campaign that will have the numbers more in favor of having a heartbeat than popsicle toes. May need to be bold. Sometimes in your face is much better than whispering and waiting for a kind reply. Sitting on your *** will get no results other than the city that much more likely to have another set of fangs to worry about.

I run twice a day now and sleep less. I eat to serve one purpose. To be stronger and healthier. I can't indulge in the average day to day things most should or would if they were clueless to what is going on. I think about it in my sleep. Things move that are not seen, seeping in cracks and dwelling in corners waiting to make you their happy meal. It is disturbing and unsettling. Makes it hard to sleep for any length of time. Often have to run until I am exhausted just to get my eyes to close. Even then it is only for a few hours before I am startled awake by my mind filled with the unthinkable.

Time for work. Back in 8 hours.
-D

[Dominique]

Been a long night and only wanted to stop back in and add something here. The man actually is what he says. That guy in a suit out at the fairgrounds and in the diner and cafe is a doctor on staff at the local hospital. Dr. Nilson. Is that not messed up? That means our local hospital is full of them most likely. No where in this wilderness is fang-free. I really was stunned. I was on my way home and saw the hospital and stepped in briefly to rest. The two earlier runs today and then work was draining. Anyways to the point, I looked at a physicians on staff list and there was the man who called himself Doc. Creeping me the **** out. He actually is what he says. How much more twisted can it get? He has a license to take blade and instruments to your *** and carve away. I am ordering a medical alert bracelet. If I am unconscious they can send my *** back to the states and let me face whatever comes. Only problem is he has seen me and heard me talking with Chaz. When or if Chaz surfaces I need to tell him he was right. Hopefully he is okay and safe. For now I am building more traps and making other preparations. Back tomorrow. Time to make some strong alliances and figure out how, when and where these bloodsuckers sleep.

-D

[Dominique]

I woke in what I thought at first was a hospital room. Thank god it wasn't. They gave me my clothes back clean and surprisingly no blood stains. That wasn't my concern but think the nuns have a secret to the laundering going on over there. I feel much better than when I arrived to the convent with a bullet in me. Still a little groggy from the anesthesia but even that is getting better as I move around. I got back here to the apartment. Everything seems to be as I left it...except, of course, me. Car was not as much of a mess as I thought it would be. Will be upholstering the drivers seat but that isn’t too hard. Will look online for a good deal.

I think I will be taking more care in my movements. I was so naive thinking I could work and carry on some sense of a normal life. There is nothing normal about what is here, what I am or they are. I stabbed someone and am disappointed I didn't sink the blade deeper. My desire to finish the job grows incredibly as I write this. I never wanted to hurt a soul and now I am consumed with destroying all the repulsive race he represents. What I was told from the beginning was right. Not one of them can be trusted or have a reason to be tolerated in their limited existence.

I left an email for Zodiac that I won't be in to work for the next week and possibly even longer. She doesn't like it she can fire me. I think my employment there will be very short when I don't go back in. If there was a nice vampire then it is Zodiac. She seems to really believe that everyone can coexist. So much so you wish it just for her. I can't ignore what I am anymore than she can. We all have a part to play in life and its time to get to the purpose of mine. Know your role. Own it. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Mantras to move by in the days ahead.

Going to get some supplies.

[Dominique]

Nothing sweeter than when all the parts come together and make an impact. All healed. Business as usual. Gather supplies, make what is needed and learn the lessons that were presented. Back into the mindset of when I first arrived with the bonus of awareness of how things are. Saw Chaz pass by. He said hello. I didn't get to respond. I was distracted until it was too late. I am glad is he ok. Hopefully he finds the answers he seeks. As for me, I think I got mine the other night in the parlor. Wiser for the experience. Now I spend my time gathering the supplies, building and sleep. I am going back to visit the nuns. I need to thank them again for what they did. Not much of an entry but too much on my mind to start flooding the page with what may or may not be.

-D

[Dominique]

The song was the first thing I heard when I woke. Not sure why because I don't remember having it on my playlist. I don't even remember turning on the stereo. It was stuck in my head all day and I still keep hearing it. It was the song Benny over played in the shop while I watched him working on all that skin the summer that she died. Everything snowballed that year and I still wonder how I made it through. I know what helped. Benny looking out for me and that song. We sang it over and over while I stocked the supplies and kept the shop from looking like hell. One of those times you look back on and think it was the best and the worst you could ever see and wouldn't change anything about it.

Needless to say I have avoided it since then. It was never the same if Benny wasn't murdering it with his bad voice. He would lay on the floor in the middle of the shop whether someone was in a chair or not at the end of the song just like in the video singing it as loud as he could. People would stop and stare in the windows that were otherwise passing by. He was such a dork and he loved every minute of life. I miss him so much. I bet Jeremy misses him even more.

Maybe that is it. I was told I needed to do the same thing just last night by the last person I ever expected to hear it from. Not just because it was he who said it but because of all people he said it to it was me. He was right. So much time has been lost worrying about how much was really even left. Moments. They are precious and few and perhaps its time to take those that come unexpectedly and savor them for all that they are.

-D

[Dominique]

Ever have one of those days? Well, it has been one of those months. I can go on for hours but I am posting this from my iPhone since I am in the hospital again. No surprise there, right? Anyways, quick and to the point recap. Went to the lobby to see what was going on since I could hear Eachann. Hell, when can't I hear him? As I was saying, I went down there and sure enough he was going on about who knows what. I am looking tight and fine in my gown and bandages sporting the latest issued institutional no skid grip socks that I am sure I am going to be charged ten times their value on the bill. Thought I was feeling wicked. It was all good. I was happening because the ink is flawless. Props to Benny the ink man. Met up with my boy toy, Eachann, who of course was waiting where he should be when I barely get a ‘Yo’ out of my mouth and all sorts of hell broke loose. That Velveteen chick seemed to have heard about visiting hours and came with her bad *** girls in tow. It was right out of a scene Transporter or something. So much lead flying and blades blinding as they were swinging it became a bloody *** mess. I unhooked myself from that IV cart thing I was pushing around like a empty coat rack and took a dive under the admissions desk. The ***** sitting there went running for cover and I faintly heard some announcement over head. The security they have there sucks ***. I will get to that in a minute though. Back to that posse that came in guns a blazing. Talk about chaos. This motley crew brings it lock, stock and barrel. Here I thought they were after me but they were on Eachann like fleas to a tick hound. Lots of squealing going on that I couldn’t understand which was fine and well. I was too busy trying to save my patch worked *** from more damage. So I could find a weapon such as a recycle bin or something. I went to the front doors when it looked like the fury had settled. I stepped to the doors and was seeing shadows so darted to the side and that is when the freakiest thing happened. I was in the hospital lobby one minute and the next I felt like I lost my teeth in a *** jarring land on grass. That one piece of tile seemed to have some vaccum effect or hole in it and I was out in the middle with one sock missing, my hospital gown on and looking up at the bad *** himself. I swear he is at least seven feet tall and covered in about as much ink as I am. Micah they call him. He had to have juiced up on the steroids before he got the bite down. Anyways he had one word as he seemed damned surprised to see me bouncing on my *** in front of him. “Run!” Ya know what? I did. I had one no slip grip sock and a gown to my name and a bare ***. Not much gonna be helpful about that so **** yeah I ran. So did Micah man. Like the freight train crawling up the tracks you are making no progress on. I cleared two transits, through the swamp and found this door this thing…sort of like a hole and popped out of all things inside a shop somewhere. I was there only a couple seconds when guess who was strolling in like he wanted to buy something? Yep. The man of the hour. Again I stood looking up and tried to explain the hospital sucked, so did the staff and if he looked the other way we can pretend this never happened but nooooooo. He picked me up like a pebble and do you know I flew out a window and down a block and landed in a street? Seriously could have used that batgirl outfit. No surprise he was there to greet me when I landed. I knew what was coming next. I felt it as I was again on a stretcher. Just when I thought I had seen it all from funny tiles that make you disappear, dudes strong enough they can make you fly a block or two by tossing you and Eachann sharing the same fan club as I have…a sign of the unexpected was delivered to me. A pair of pink Nikes. New shoes! I laced them up and wont take them off. Have a feeling I am gonna need them because it seems I have a new running coach. Oh, and met the hospital greeter, kinda like the ones they ahve at Walmart doors handing out coupons. Nice older guy named Rupert Styles. Some chick I think I had a fight with came in and told me she hoped I feel better. I think it was running mans kid. After that I got bored so I used my iPhone and went into a chat thing or whatever it is and met another who was responding while Eachann was making even more friends and shooting his mouth off. Day. Cool guy. Said to heal up and sent me flowers. Even stopped by to say hello and prove he wasn’t some sicko. Zodiac was in the message board thing too. Reminded me I have my work review coming up. Hope that isn’t going to be a hour of hearing about how poor my work attendance is. And it is. Been in the hospital more than out recently. Oh and there si this Myk person I guess Eachann and they are going to meet. Eachann is crazy. For now I have flowers, shoes and a teddy bear. Now if I can get healed up and get my *** out of here it would be great. The food sucks and I think some of the staff do too…literally. No, I havent seen HIM yet. Thank god. Things could be looking up or not. time will tell. Sorry for the shitty format of this entry. iPhone sucks.

[Dominique]

There are no words. I really just can't say it enough. There are no words to express what point my life has reached. What have I become? I have no one to blame but me. Benny, Grandma and of course her...I really could use her right now. I feel so ******* alone. A war is raging in my body that is far more devastating than the one I was fighting on the streets. This one I won't be able to win. What most would be grateful for and consider a blessing, I am left viewing as a curse. That in itself is a sin as well as everything that I am, have done and become. I can't look in the mirror. The truth looks back at me in my own eyes. I see it. I can't hide it or deny it. It is there waiting for me every time I step up to the vanity to wash my hands, my face or brush my teeth. Which by the way, now makes me more nauseated than squash used to make me when I was a kid.

I haven't gone to work. How can I? Not since Zodiac said what I had been oblivious to. I left in a latex Batgirl suit feeling festive, invincible and ready to prove her wrong just like everyone else that told me something I don't want to hear or accept. The truth shall set you free? I swear this is one time I could have done well with living in denial instead. I know it isn't reasonable given the situation would eventually make its presence known but honestly I have never been more terrified in all my life. Again. I admit I feel so ******* utterly disgusted, hopeless and alone. I have been kicking my own *** over it since I found out and if it wasn’t for the position I am in now I would be seeking out a fight solely so someone could kick my *** for me when I was getting too tired to do it anymore.

I resent those who are not to blame because its easy. Vampires. For once something isn’t their fault with what is going on with me. I could plead distraction, the need to do the right thing regarding their existence had somehow clouded my common sense and blocked me from being reasonable in my basic choices of right and wrong, but really that isn't the case. Again, it would be searching for an excuse to make better my position which is my own doing. I won't be telling anyone. I can't.

I am responsible for this. I know what I did and like grandma said, "What is done can never be undone." I have that proof within me now as a reminder that she was right all along. I was weak when I shouldn’t have been. I ignored what I was raised to believe, told a thousand times why and what could happen. I was asking for it by thinking I was invincible. I believe God just came in and cut me down to size. What should be special, beautiful and joyous is a ******* curse reminding me how far I have gone from what I should have been, where I should be. I believe my prayers would be useless. Only hell and the devil could really save me now. And at this point I don’t even feel entitled to call upon that for salvation. Where is that deep hole with a large rock waiting to roll over it when you need one?

-D

[Dominique]

[Selfie above taken listening to Destiny by Syntax]

I woke up with the after taste of ice cream. Butter Pecan I think. It was good but it left me with far more to think about. It was something said that really still lingers. Evil is all over. It was delivered clear as...well Day that said it. I didn't stay long in the ice cream shop. He told me I maybe could use some help...psych help. Told him I had more than my fair share and then some and I would pass on the idea. It hit a nerve, go figure. The guy had no idea what he said when he said it. Likely was trying to be nice like he seems to be. I was nice about it too. I held my tongue perhaps because after all the **** I have been through I could use some. However, I am not driving the distance it would take one way to be sure I was getting the right help. No way in hell I am seeking any out here. Been there and so done with that.

I checked myself out of the impromptu meeting with a losing track of time excuse. He may have fangs, maybe not. I asked if he was known to bite hard. Sounds kinda lame but really what would you do? You are eating ice cream with some tall dark and handsome dude and you are committed to killing vermin with fangs. Convo is going smooth, company is respectful and you are in a place full of humans who rather go on with their oblivious lives. Do you ruin the moment, the ice cream? Or do you wait for an answer first so that by some slim chance you don't take down some great guy who was really just trying to be Mr. Right? I waited and that is when he was saying we need to get out of there now and the place is full of evil.

I headed back to the place I remember making the choice to join the few and the proud. Speaking of paladin...I think Eachann is planning a Braveheart type rising. Have to admit it is one of my favorite movies but I rather not end up like William Wallace did. I realize that quartering as a punishment is not exactly an outdated practice. I know a fang club that is more than happy to demonstrate its effects if they can get their hands on you. Eachann is a fighter. He doesn't strike me as the type to care what happens as long as he gets a fang in his palm after ripping it from a vampires jaws. Here I thought I was tenacious.

I am avoiding the rest of the important things that should go in this entry. I need to get to work and I know that sounds like an excuse but it is true. I will have 8 hours to make sure what I put down in here next is given a lot of thought.

-D