Peace overcomes me within my head during my night hours. I could not bring myself to be furious with the male, it was not possible, but even still I have spoken to Amaranthia about it and all has been set right with me. For now, at least, I think myself and Tristan will be okay. I really do think it was worth it to work with him, and I do care for him, even if I have to share Amara. But this is made easier on me with the knowledge that she gets just as I do. I am a jealous, possessive, and maybe even a bit 'touched' when it comes to things I consider mine and while Amara may not feel these things as strongly as I do, she does feel them for myself and Tristan and this helps. To know she cares for me as I do for her.
I'm still not sure Tristan is worth her attention, but he's trying to be there for her and so I will condone it.
For now.
-xx- For Understanding -xx-
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Leiren
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.:: I'm Fine ::.
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Leiren
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Re: -xx- For Understanding -xx-
All I see is darkness.
What have we become as vampires? Nothing better then the lowest of humans.
I wish he would have let me pass. I would not have returned. Letting the shadows eat at my soul. Still he did, he won't let me go. I adore this. I hate it.
All I see is darkness.
What have we become as vampires? Nothing better then the lowest of humans.
I wish he would have let me pass. I would not have returned. Letting the shadows eat at my soul. Still he did, he won't let me go. I adore this. I hate it.
All I see is darkness.
.:: I'm Fine ::.
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Leiren
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Re: -xx- For Understanding -xx-
If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
Leir pressed her hand to the book, scratching the pen into the page with a light touch, hardly enough to write the words upon the page as she listened to the song for the millionth time since that horrific night when Mircea and Tristan were killed inside the Necropolis. She didn’t want to think about it, but she knew it was only best to write it out before she forget anything, everything.
Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors
Oh, and life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even gray, but she buries her baby
The sharp knife of a short life
Well, I've had just enough time
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors
Oh, and life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even gray, but she buries her baby
The sharp knife of a short life
Well, I've had just enough time
The day Tristan spoke to her inside her mind she’d almost lost it. Her sanity was splintering at the edges and she hadn’t felt anything but numb unless she was with Ariel. Even then, though, it was still hardly anything above ‘care’ which was hard for her to forget. Maybe it was the blood she lost, maybe it was feeling so close to death over something she never did, but it was more than hard for her to feel anything for Mircea. And so she had come to terms.
If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
The sharp knife of a short life
Well, I've had just enough time
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
The sharp knife of a short life
Well, I've had just enough time
I am going to leave this line. I will not stand for this man, as my sire’s blood is spilled, as my own is spent, and as my family dies. Nothing will stand in my way. I will not die with his name. My childer will not die with his name. If I am ever to die, be it at the hands of Asmodeus or this lynch mob who’ve come to murder us all, it will not be as a Grigori.
And I'll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger
I've never known the loving of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand
I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger
I've never known the loving of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand
I will stand on my own. I will be my own. That man did not want me in his line anyway, why would I bother to stay? To them I am nothing more then a Dragomir lover and if that’s what I am, to this man, to these people, then I will be just that.
There's a boy here in town, says he'll love me forever
Who would have thought forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life
Well, I've had just enough time
So put on your best, boys, and I'll wear my pearls
What I never did is done
Who would have thought forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life
Well, I've had just enough time
So put on your best, boys, and I'll wear my pearls
What I never did is done
Ariel did nothing but help me, defend me, and for them to say such things! They wanted him dead, Mircea wanted him dead. I would rather lay my life for Azariel then Mircea any day.
A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singing
Funny, when you're dead how people start listening
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singing
Funny, when you're dead how people start listening
She ground the pen into the paper slightly, feeling the barest hints of anger before it passed and she was left feeling emptier then before.
If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
I shall talk to my childer, then settle this business with Asmodeus through Quartermaine. I have to speak to Staus on paperwork, and then I think I shall wait for Azariel. Or ask him to come. I am but clinging to the simplest emotion. I don’t understand why I feel nothing, or if it is even right, but at least I feel something when around the male. My angel.
The ballad of a dove
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket
Save them for a time when you're really gonna need them, oh
The sharp knife of a short life
Well, I've had just enough time
So put on your best, boys
And I'll wear my pearls
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket
Save them for a time when you're really gonna need them, oh
The sharp knife of a short life
Well, I've had just enough time
So put on your best, boys
And I'll wear my pearls
[[ Song :: If I Die Young - The Band Perry ]]
.:: I'm Fine ::.
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Leiren
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Re: -xx- For Understanding -xx-
I see a spark, within the darkness.
I have done all that I can, all that I will.
God, forgive me.
I have done all that I can, all that I will.
God, forgive me.
.:: I'm Fine ::.
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Leiren
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Re: -xx- For Understanding -xx-
Laced behind tranquil eyes, insanity reigns supreme.
Where Angels sing and Devils lie.
Seeping into me, like blessed serenity.
Deep within, traced through my body,
my being,
wrapped into my soul and set on fire
by that wonder filled rabbit.
It’s like I can see, in the dark,
in the reaches of my mind.
I can see it all.
It swirls deep within and begs to be let out.
To be free.
You don’t know what it’s like to be me.
Tempt me, my love,
to do such things.
Blanket me in despair,
bring me to hope.
Take from me what you will,
I’ve nothing left to give.
Where Angels sing and Devils lie.
Seeping into me, like blessed serenity.
Deep within, traced through my body,
my being,
wrapped into my soul and set on fire
by that wonder filled rabbit.
It’s like I can see, in the dark,
in the reaches of my mind.
I can see it all.
It swirls deep within and begs to be let out.
To be free.
You don’t know what it’s like to be me.
Tempt me, my love,
to do such things.
Blanket me in despair,
bring me to hope.
Take from me what you will,
I’ve nothing left to give.
.:: I'm Fine ::.
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Leiren
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- Contact:
Re: -xx- For Understanding -xx-
[[ note: this is not in her journals ]]
"I’m so Sick. Lost in the depths of power which swarms me. None understand. None can see. I’m so high, baby. So high." - Leiren
Leiren had spent her time that night with Asher, seeking answers to things she didn’t understand. Of course, such things end close to tragedy. His power pushed through her, laced in her mind and took her deeper then she could admit. There were no words, how these things affected her were too great. The entire night was spent wishing she was someone else, somewhere else. It was close to being completely strung out and having to deal with sitting in a classroom of children raising their hands and pissing all over. Pathetic.
She left this conference with Asher, more then happy to be out of there. Whatever it was that was keeping her slightly ground was short lived, though, the moment Amaranthia seduced her. The woman might as well have been a cracked out whore on a street corner with how far she’d been taken in with those powers which swarmed her and laced through her being. Her mind lost to the deep.
The rest was simply a hazy blur on the tip of her memory she’d never be able to recall.
"I’m so Sick. Lost in the depths of power which swarms me. None understand. None can see. I’m so high, baby. So high." - Leiren
Leiren had spent her time that night with Asher, seeking answers to things she didn’t understand. Of course, such things end close to tragedy. His power pushed through her, laced in her mind and took her deeper then she could admit. There were no words, how these things affected her were too great. The entire night was spent wishing she was someone else, somewhere else. It was close to being completely strung out and having to deal with sitting in a classroom of children raising their hands and pissing all over. Pathetic.
She left this conference with Asher, more then happy to be out of there. Whatever it was that was keeping her slightly ground was short lived, though, the moment Amaranthia seduced her. The woman might as well have been a cracked out whore on a street corner with how far she’d been taken in with those powers which swarmed her and laced through her being. Her mind lost to the deep.
The rest was simply a hazy blur on the tip of her memory she’d never be able to recall.
.:: I'm Fine ::.
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Leiren
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Re: -xx- For Understanding -xx-
July 2013
The last time I shared any of my thoughts was eleven months ago, in a blog. Longer still since I’ve written in this journal, but let’s stick with that time frame for the purposes of this entry. What has changed for me in eleven month time? Let’s see.
I have come back from the realm of shadows. I have realized that when you love someone it never goes away. Ever. Even if you want it too, it doesn’t. You fall, you fall hard, and without a doubt you know when its love. And I love Wolfgang with every piece of me. Which is why we’re bound, I guess. I’m not sure it was the right thing to do, really. I’m not sure that Wolfgang is ready to be bound to me forever more, but I think I’ve been ready to be bound to him for endless time since I first said I love you. I didn’t know it, then, of course, but it’s obvious now. Hindsight is always 20/20 after all. Coming to this realization means that I’m just, well, happier. Even though he’s still connected to Velveteen, and I think one day she will actually be the death of him, there isn’t much that one can do but let the one they love make their own mistakes. God knows I’ve made quite a few in my short lifetime.
Let’s see, what else? Asher came back from the shadow realm a completely changed person, or its just easier to see his true colors. Either way, he’s an asshole. So he can go **** off as far as I’m concerned. He’s been nothing but awful since me and Wolf got together the first time and I had hope… hope that maybe he’s be changed from the shadow realm for the better. A new lease on life, a hope or desire to better himself, but instead I think it drove him crazy. Whatever. Point is, he’s back, regretfully.
Apparently why I was gone Asia and Gambat got married, though I didn’t even know who the hell Gambat was. I can’t blame her, I know she needed someone, but it was a bit of a surprise to come back to that of all things. I don’t even know much about him, but I think that’s mostly my fault because I don’t socialize. I just prefer to be locked away from it all, with Wolfy. Who could blame me?
When I came back I made up with Amaranthia. The thing that surprised me was she wasn’t upset, nor mad, nor did I need to beat myself up like I did for seven months in the shadow realm. Instead it was like I’d never left or did the things I did, and even though my intentions had been good at the time, I do know that I was wrong and I admit my faults. Amara loves me through them and my heart swelled at the thought of coming home for the first time in so long. As much as Liz was kind to take me in, that wasn’t home, and I’m glad to be where I feel I belong.
Speaking of Liz… When I came back I tried to get involved in the family and with her again, but there have been some obvious barriers. I don’t know what all happened after I died, but it’s like Liz had changed and we don’t speak much anymore. She’s still the same kind woman that I first asked to Adopt me into her fold, and I care about her and DC, but it has been obvious to me since my return that it isn’t my place and there isn’t much there for me. I’m not sure what is really to be said about that, but I’m pretty sure I’ll have to talk to Liz at some point about it. Perhaps when her and Shamus aren’t busy. Which, by the way, they got bound. I was there, but I didn’t know that’s why I was there until I was there and I just felt strange being at their binding when none of the rest of DC really were. Talk about awkward. I know I shouldn’t have felt that way, but I really did. Then there was her asking me why I’d been in and out of the compound… well isn’t it obvious? It’s my home too.. or it was.. I really don’t feel like it is anymore.
Hmm. What else is there? Aiden. Aiden has come out of his hole, kind of. I spoke with him for a little bit one day, but really he’s still a recluse and doesn’t speak to me much. Though I can’t blame him after everything that was said and done between the two of us as sire and childe. That first meeting after coming back from the shadow realm, where him and wolf and tyt sent me.. yeah. Majorly awkward. I didn’t even know what to say because what the heck do you say after all of that? I’m normally quite intellectual and I really try to pride myself on my thoughts and mind power, but I was left at a blank and it’s like sometimes words just come out while my brains on auto pilot. Yeah, not such a great thing.
Oh, well, I guess if I’m being completely honest with myself… the nightmares I’m having haven’t gotten any better. I can’t even remember when they started now, but its always myself but not me, a different me, in a mirror to which talks to me. Like having a conversation with a separate personality, and yes I know that means I’m ******* loony or something, but I don’t know what the hell’s going on and I’m damn sure not about to go talk to a doctor about it. The strange thing is, she reminds me of me when I played Miss Scarlet for Clue! How weird is that?! Is it some part of my past that’s bringing up this particular portion of my life because that’s where me and Wolf first met or because that’s why Azariel killed me or.. what? I really don’t even know and I don’t want to talk to Wolfy about it because then he’ll think I’m more crazy then I already am, and most people already think I’m nuts, I really don’t need Wolf thinking that right now too. Plus, I don’t feel nuts, I just feel confused and lost in these dreams. They don’t happen during the day in mirrors I walk past or anything, and since I have no reflection in a mirror I can tell you I would notice right away, I’m left with just thinking that it’s got to be some sort of something that I’m not getting. Not me being insane, because damn it I don’t want to see a doctor again. I am not having multiple personalities. I am not schizophrenic.
I am not crazy.
But I don’t think I’m sane either.
The last time I shared any of my thoughts was eleven months ago, in a blog. Longer still since I’ve written in this journal, but let’s stick with that time frame for the purposes of this entry. What has changed for me in eleven month time? Let’s see.
I have come back from the realm of shadows. I have realized that when you love someone it never goes away. Ever. Even if you want it too, it doesn’t. You fall, you fall hard, and without a doubt you know when its love. And I love Wolfgang with every piece of me. Which is why we’re bound, I guess. I’m not sure it was the right thing to do, really. I’m not sure that Wolfgang is ready to be bound to me forever more, but I think I’ve been ready to be bound to him for endless time since I first said I love you. I didn’t know it, then, of course, but it’s obvious now. Hindsight is always 20/20 after all. Coming to this realization means that I’m just, well, happier. Even though he’s still connected to Velveteen, and I think one day she will actually be the death of him, there isn’t much that one can do but let the one they love make their own mistakes. God knows I’ve made quite a few in my short lifetime.
Let’s see, what else? Asher came back from the shadow realm a completely changed person, or its just easier to see his true colors. Either way, he’s an asshole. So he can go **** off as far as I’m concerned. He’s been nothing but awful since me and Wolf got together the first time and I had hope… hope that maybe he’s be changed from the shadow realm for the better. A new lease on life, a hope or desire to better himself, but instead I think it drove him crazy. Whatever. Point is, he’s back, regretfully.
Apparently why I was gone Asia and Gambat got married, though I didn’t even know who the hell Gambat was. I can’t blame her, I know she needed someone, but it was a bit of a surprise to come back to that of all things. I don’t even know much about him, but I think that’s mostly my fault because I don’t socialize. I just prefer to be locked away from it all, with Wolfy. Who could blame me?
When I came back I made up with Amaranthia. The thing that surprised me was she wasn’t upset, nor mad, nor did I need to beat myself up like I did for seven months in the shadow realm. Instead it was like I’d never left or did the things I did, and even though my intentions had been good at the time, I do know that I was wrong and I admit my faults. Amara loves me through them and my heart swelled at the thought of coming home for the first time in so long. As much as Liz was kind to take me in, that wasn’t home, and I’m glad to be where I feel I belong.
Speaking of Liz… When I came back I tried to get involved in the family and with her again, but there have been some obvious barriers. I don’t know what all happened after I died, but it’s like Liz had changed and we don’t speak much anymore. She’s still the same kind woman that I first asked to Adopt me into her fold, and I care about her and DC, but it has been obvious to me since my return that it isn’t my place and there isn’t much there for me. I’m not sure what is really to be said about that, but I’m pretty sure I’ll have to talk to Liz at some point about it. Perhaps when her and Shamus aren’t busy. Which, by the way, they got bound. I was there, but I didn’t know that’s why I was there until I was there and I just felt strange being at their binding when none of the rest of DC really were. Talk about awkward. I know I shouldn’t have felt that way, but I really did. Then there was her asking me why I’d been in and out of the compound… well isn’t it obvious? It’s my home too.. or it was.. I really don’t feel like it is anymore.
Hmm. What else is there? Aiden. Aiden has come out of his hole, kind of. I spoke with him for a little bit one day, but really he’s still a recluse and doesn’t speak to me much. Though I can’t blame him after everything that was said and done between the two of us as sire and childe. That first meeting after coming back from the shadow realm, where him and wolf and tyt sent me.. yeah. Majorly awkward. I didn’t even know what to say because what the heck do you say after all of that? I’m normally quite intellectual and I really try to pride myself on my thoughts and mind power, but I was left at a blank and it’s like sometimes words just come out while my brains on auto pilot. Yeah, not such a great thing.
Oh, well, I guess if I’m being completely honest with myself… the nightmares I’m having haven’t gotten any better. I can’t even remember when they started now, but its always myself but not me, a different me, in a mirror to which talks to me. Like having a conversation with a separate personality, and yes I know that means I’m ******* loony or something, but I don’t know what the hell’s going on and I’m damn sure not about to go talk to a doctor about it. The strange thing is, she reminds me of me when I played Miss Scarlet for Clue! How weird is that?! Is it some part of my past that’s bringing up this particular portion of my life because that’s where me and Wolf first met or because that’s why Azariel killed me or.. what? I really don’t even know and I don’t want to talk to Wolfy about it because then he’ll think I’m more crazy then I already am, and most people already think I’m nuts, I really don’t need Wolf thinking that right now too. Plus, I don’t feel nuts, I just feel confused and lost in these dreams. They don’t happen during the day in mirrors I walk past or anything, and since I have no reflection in a mirror I can tell you I would notice right away, I’m left with just thinking that it’s got to be some sort of something that I’m not getting. Not me being insane, because damn it I don’t want to see a doctor again. I am not having multiple personalities. I am not schizophrenic.
I am not crazy.
But I don’t think I’m sane either.
.:: I'm Fine ::.