--Life's a Circus PRT 2.---

[Prudence]

Blah, blah, blah.

My name is Mordie and I can do whatever I wanna and not think about anyone else cause I'm soooooo strong and bad ***.

well **** ya too.

[Prudence]

Mordie got me a necklace for Christmas. How weird, right?! Like, a necklace is super girly! I bet him and DD are gonna get bound soon. He's trying to butter me up with a necklace. Yeah, I'm watching them. He can't even think about getting bound to DD until he's the best and he's not there yet! He can give me a lot of ******* necklaces, but that don't mean **** to me. Even if it is kinda cool. I don't know. I feel like since he gave it to me, I've been getting stronger quicker. hope it ain't laced with that magic mumbo jumbo **** mortll and zo be doing.

CC been real quiet, which is strange as ****. I saw her in the sewers and she blew me off kinda. Well **** you too! Jay's all emo about some Axel asshole again and I'm like blah blah blah. People worry too much about having sex and being with someone before they even figure out who the **** they are. We got forever to figure out who we wanna bang forever, or for like a decade, so don't jump on the first ******* thing that came your way, or be too twisted about it. relationships in harper rock and vampires don't last, so what's the hurry to get in more drama? Macro is quiet, as usual. I thought him and CC were getting in to some ****, but seems she's sprung up on chicks, which is whatever. At least he's safe for now. DD is DD, all twisted on Mordie, like ya been reading, but she's been smart about ****. She even offered to share Mordie with me, since he's been all up in her **** for like ever and forgot how to be my ******* friend! I'm not mad anymore about it. We went and spared. I took it easy on him, because I didn't want to embarrass him or anything. Plus DD might get all sad or emo about him being hurt, and I don't wanna deal with that. So I sucked it up and let him win a couple times.

Cliff's been back and he's got his head on right finally! After like forever! He got me a necklace for Christmas too. I got him another motorcycle, cause his old one wasn't as bitching as this one is. DoD is dead. SuperAz like died or something. I don't know. I'm still pretty pissed at her, but it's whatever. was a good idea, but when az died or went away, everything kinda fell apart, even though Eve and a few other ladies tried to keep **** together as hard as possible.

what else? oh, killed some ***** who was sitting at a bank being stupid. helped kill some other bitches and assholes, bored sometimes, back at school Monday and that's about it. I'm glad me and Mordie are friends again. other people say they're my friend, but they never really bother me much unless they need me to help kill something, or fix something. Mordie just likes to kick it for shits and giggles, which was cool about him when I took him under my wing and trained him to be the bad *** he is now. I'm glad DD is with Mordie, even if I'd never tell either one of them that.

**** this mushy ****. Pru out.

[Prudence]

Uh, who the **** is SuperAz? And what the **** is DoD?

I think that guy who stabbed me the other night by accident did something funny cause none of this makes any ******* sense. I can't even think what DoD might stand for. Something about dead or death, I bet. Wouldn't join something unless it's about killing ****. I'm not going to worry about it. Got too much other **** going on. If it was important, I wouldn't have forgotten about it, right?

Did I tell you lately how I hate ineffective fuckers? I do. Did I also tell ya how I hate being left out of ****? I guess one night some Sangue went after someone and like, as much as I love being part of Sangue, they like epic failed on so many levels. Which is crazy, cause ya know, we got a lot of good fighters and ****. Anyways, no one invited me to the party. Like, what the ****? Oh, I can attack that person who broke in to the fort and **** and attack fuckers for ya know doing some stupid **** at or for Sangue, but I can't get in on a hit? I'm like so pissed on so many levels. I bet Mordie got to be part of it and probably DD. I know Cliff did. so now I'm like what is going on? if scorp is pissed off at me for whatever reason, she could just tell me to my ******* face. So what I don't like some of the **** people been saying or doing in Sangue? A lot of them are all "rawr! I wanna do this right now and ****" without thinking things through. hate ineffective fuckers.

so it's like whatever.

[Prudence]

So, I'm back and didn't learn anything new about my problem. I thought I would find something new out spending some time in that place about why I go there, but it doesn't seem so. There's nothing there to help me find the answers I'm looking for.

I don't even think Cliff realized I was dead. Or that he hadn't been getting paid for working at the Saloon. But honestly? I don't think I care anymore. Our marriage is shitty. Our marriage isn't even a marriage at all. I got tired of him coming and going and coming and going ages ago. got tired of him talking **** about me siring, but he sired some chick without telling me and then she died and he got so ******* emo over it, you would think they were ******* or something. to be fair, I sort of gave up on our marriage ages ago since the first time he fucked off. so it's not all his fault. I just don't think I can be a wife. it's a lot of effort with little to no return.

But I came back to a bunch of ********.
First, it seems for some reason Tytonidae was attacking Scorpia. Why? I don't ******* know. I don't ******* care either. I mean I was only gone a month or so and no one really batted a lash in there, so why should I give any shits? But then it seems DD, Mordie and Mortll were killed by Tytonidae for attacking someone. Who the **** attacks someone with three people? Oh, wait with two people since Mordie says he was in some raid and they just stomped him for no reason. I swore I taught people better than that. Buncha ******* idiots. I wouldn't normally agree with CC about DD becoming stupid lately, but that was really ******* stupid.

Then it got me thinking; why did they attack this person? Who was this person? Why the **** would they think they could kill someone with TWO people? Where the **** was Scorpia while this **** went down? Why hasn't she said **** about the fact that three of her own members were killed while she was being hunted? Because I came to realize, she doesn't give a ****. And my mini's getting killed is not some lame ******* thing. something that shouldn't be talked about. something she shouldn't have came and ******* told me herself. That's why I'm leaving Sangue. I'm worth more than that. So are my mini's. If they die, they die. **** happens, but what I don't like is the fact nothing was said or acknowledged by Scorpia about it. No where. Not even in Sangue. Like it didn't even happen. We deserve better than that. We've stood by Sangue through and through.

Also, I can't stand the flat out lies.
Like the lie about this girl and this other girl who were dating or ******* at the very least. Who were really in to each other. If they weren't why were they spending all this time together? Why would one girl buy the other girl an engagement ring thinking the other was really in to her? My CC ain't no ******* angel and I don't really try and get involved with relationship ****, but what's being said or not being said is a bunch of ********. And no one deserves to have their time wasted in that capacity. Even if it's weeks, months or years. Maybe I only feel that way because I'm angry that my time has been wasted the last year and a half. Waiting for Cliff to prove himself. To make me want to be a wife again.

I really don't know or care what happens from here on out. I have one or two more things to do before I probably leave the city and look for something else to do. There's really nothing here anymore. The hunt hasn't appealed to me like it did years ago. DD has Mordie and Sangue (I'm not going to make her leave, even if I think it's stupid of her not to), CC has some human chick that's knocked up. I know they'll be getting married. They already moved in together. Macro went on some spirit quest or some **** that his people do and I think Jessica is dead. Mordie and I aren't really friends anymore, since he doesn't want to believe anything I ******* say anymore. And as ya know, Cliff and I, well that chapter is more or less closed to me. They'll all be fine.

[Prudence]

I get tired of having to be the oldest mother ****** around. Or acting like it. I get tired of having to be so strong. Sure, I am strong, but it would be nice for someone else to be strong for me sometimes. Instead of everyone looking at me for answers or for help. I don't have all the answers, I'm only twenty-*******-two. Most everyone I know is a lot older than me, but can't figure out their ****. and I'm not even talking about just figuring out vampire ****, because we're all still doing that. just stupid, every day things. Ask them to get their way outta a wet paper bag and they'd be fucked.

Is it okay to admit to being tired? I have to. Somewhere.
because I am. I'm ******* exhausted.
This isn't quite how I pictured life to be after I became a vamp.

I'm not trying to be some whiny ***** in here, but I can't solve some of my own problems, no matter how much time I spend trying to figure out why I go to that place for no reason. why I can't remember some names of people who I've written about in here a few times, or what I should do about my marriage, but ya don't see me dragging other people in to it or expecting them to figure it the **** out for me. It would just be nice to be able to talk to someone with half a brain and see if they had some thoughts on things, or just let me actually talk about my own **** once in a while.

I'm not as strong as I pretend to be. I'm not as sure about **** as I act like I am.

[Prudence]

Welp, Cliff is back around again and the first thing he does? He plans on taking over Worthington. Not trying to fix all our ****. Nupe. Worthington is waaaaaaayy more important to him than our marriage.
Us.

how the **** can he lead a group when he can't even fix us? what's he gonna do if someone ever wars with Worthington for whatever ******* reason? **** off again? Then he wonders why I can't take anything he says or does seriously, because he can't seriously sit down with me for five ******* minutes to sort out my feelings and what I think about some things.
Yes, I said it. I have some feelings.
Whooopty dooo.

Moving the **** on past that; CC is dead. Again. Went and helped her out with some spirits and ****. Velveteen says ****-face Madison was attacking her before CC was killed, so I'm pretty sure she did it. Why? Who the **** knows, but she's dead now so her and CC can duke it out in the fade.

I met CC's human pet thing. The pregnant one. Just, nasty. Why anyone would wanna be tied to a human with a baby is beyond ******* me! Especially when it's not her baby, but CC seems to wanna play house for whatever weird reason. She's super confused about how vampires live and what they are and aren't supposed to do. Having babies is not one of those things. Girl has some serious emotional baggage issues, that's for sure!

Anyways, I'm about to pop back in to see her, but I gotta take care of some **** first. Like burning a marriage certificate.

[Prudence]

Hi there thought holder.

Let's see what's been going on. School started up again. I'm doing two classes this semester. I scaled back on it because I'm pretty much running the bar by myself now and because I have a lot of **** on my mind. A lot of other responsibilities. Like trying to keep CC alive longer than a ******* month. Anyways, I have this really annoying goth lab partner. No, she's not annoying because she's gothic, she's annoying because she's a ******* know it all. Go win the Nobel Peace prize or some **** and leave me alone already.

I didn't mind being home schooled when I was a kid, but now I see what a disadvantage I was at. My mom could never ******* explain math to me no matter how much she drilled it in to my head. She wasn't good at it, so it made me not so good at it. But now I'm ok with it. Even though I had to take a remedial math course last year.

I've been seeing more and more of Mordie lately. And I'm glad, even though I am not going to tell him that. We just say hi when we see each other, but I missed him a lot. I didn't like the **** between him, DD and CC, but I think they're leaving each other alone. I hated being in the ******* middle of ****. I hated feeling like I had to pick someone, which was part of the reason I didn't mind being in the fade for a month. I needed a ******* break from the in-house **** of my mini's and one of my mini's boyfriend or whatever he is to her. I'm just glad it's over and done with.

What else, what else? oh yeah, Dr. Feel Good is being his usual self again. At first I found him really, really, REALLY annoying, but I guess he's not all that bad. He's a total perv.

I learned to do rituals. I didn't want to because I think only sneaky cunts learn them to do sneaky ****, but after a raiding where we could have won if we had someone who knew rituals like the back of their hand, I decided to learn them. Just for the stupid buildings with magical locks on them. so I guess that makes me a sneaky **** too now.

:]

[Prudence]

So Chaddy popped up again like a bad rash or something. He's still as clueless as ******* ever, but I'm glad that finally someone else had the balls to say to him what I've said for almost two years now!

Mordie popped by the other night. I'm thinking I should maybe say sorry for being so fucked up at him. I try to control my emotions over the **** people say about my mini's and theirs, but it's really hard to. Even to people like Mordie. I'll think about apologizing.

Anyways, he has a job for me to do with him. I was kinda shocked he would pick me out of the blue. Annie says he talks to her once in a while when he sees her. I hope we can go back to where we were before. It super sucks being mad at him all the time. If we could just leave out CC and DD **** and any other little **** about my mini's and mini-mini's we'd be cool. This siring thing is hard and sometimes I wonder if I shoulda just not done it. Maybe the whole siring thing sorta fucked up a lot of ****.

Like not only with Mordie, but I wonder if it fucked up stuff with Cliff. I started making mini's and not long after that he sorta disappeared and stayed away. I don't know, but I do think about it sometimes. If maybe he'd be the same person he was three years ago. If I would still be the same chick too.
But then I don't know if I want to be that ignorant *****.
So what does that mean about me and Cliff?

[Prudence]

CC is such a *****! I swear she wants me to be miserable for, well, ******* ever! She didn't like Cliff, she doesn't like Feel Good, it's unbelievable! I'm tired of her having an opinion about my life and the **** I do or don't do, but heaven ******* forbid I ever say something about hers.

But this is probably the last ******* straw. What happened was ******* stupid. And completely blown out of ******* proportion. And yeah, I called her a ***** to her face. Well, to her phone. CC gets to have everything and when she doesn't get it, she whines about it or bitches or something. I'm tired of her alienating me and my life! I should find her human. That pregnant one. Only after she's pregnant. Cause I'm not a ***** like CC is. Maybe scare her or something. Something to piss CC off. Get back at her.

Anyways, Mordie and I finished that job. It was fun.

:]

[Prudence]

I changed my mind about scaring Lori. It was sort of a stupid idea. I don't really have any beef with Lori, so if I want to get back at CC, I should just do something to CC specifically. So I gotta think on it some.

Levi's a twat. So I see him and do twat things back to him. I don't want him in my line. I still don't know what the **** CC saw in him. what she still sees in him.

Mordie's been really nice lately. And I know I've been talking to him about some crazy stuff. Outside of our normal spectrum of ****. He said I was broken. That my mini's broke me. I think about it and sometimes think it's true. I don't remember being like this. Before them. Before Cliff even.

Mordie said I should move on. Past Cliff. and make lists or something. I don't really like making lists. seems like a lot of work. I'm not lazy. I just wouldn't know where to start. Thinking about things I want out of someone. I don't even really know if I want something, so I don't really see the point of making a list and wasting my time. when I could do other stuff. like not be such a weak *** around Mordie. Who woulda thought that he'd be so much stronger than me when I met him that one time and took him under my wing? he's crazy about training. but sometimes I think he did things right. focused on **** that was important and then got with DD. yeah. he did alright.

well, I'm going to write that stupid list now. or try to anyways.