-xx- For Understanding -xx-

[Leiren]

The male that haunted her deep in the dark reaches of her mind was no longer Asmodeus. It was Nick. It was as if he had become her nightmare. She had gone to see him. It did take time, but she had. Now she was confused more so then before she went. More so then before her eyes laid sights on him. She pulled out a very thin book. One that looked old, battered, and torn. It would have to do, to hide her thoughts, if any so wishes to sneak inside and read that which she would set to paper this night. Amara could never know. Could never understand and she wept at the thought of loosing the woman, and then knowing Nick was so far from her grasp.

This man who called me such names. Who convinced me I was so wrong. Why do I love him so? It kills me bit by bit inside to know I will never be permitted to see those eyes again. To feel those lips. And still I yearn to do so. He came by, the other night, and laid a kiss to me. I think, anyway. I was asleep in my bed, alone, and I may have been dreaming or wishing it were happening but I swear I could smell him. Could almost reach out and touch him. Then he was gone. I awoke some time later, went to the library, and without even a word I felt Inspired by him. I must see him! I must or I will be lost to thoughts of delusions forever!

[Leiren]

Fury builds
deep inside
the rage
it filters through

Blood shall be spilled
passion of violence
soul cleansed
of such deeds

Filthy men, idiotic liars
spewing false to ears
I can find no solace
for the Red.

[Leiren]

The nerve of this man to seek me harm in my sire's club. He wished to harm me! Me! As if I am nothing but a punching bag. But no, I am far more then this. I seeped into his mind and took over, blocking his powers and harming his intelligence. He must like to play with me. But I will not harm him in the necropolis, because I will not sink to his pathetic level. Still this man scares me. I know he could snap me in half and such a thing, even as a vampire, is a scary thought.

I have done a terrible thing, in my rage at Azariel. I have sired another childe, a girl but I could not recall her name when the dust cleared and I had calmed from speaking with Mircea. I feel as though I have done this girl a great injustice, but I do hope she will seek me out and that I may make amends for taking her life and turning her into a monstrosity. Maybe she was like me, needing an escape, but I don't yet know and thus I shall have to keep the mindset in making amends. I did not think to ever turn another as I had Raina and though I did not torture this new one, I think anyway, it was still in rage and obviously not thinking clearly.

Am I a monster to be so awful in anger to take another? I am placing the blame on Azariel, but some of it must lay with myself.

[Leiren]

Such bliss has come to me in my time of need and though I've always known I love her above all else, would give anything for her, do anything to please her, I can say I feel this way now more so then ever. My night with Amaranthia was more then I could ever have hoped for. I adore her so. Even the touch of her, the sweet smell of her skin, it lingers on me and I crave her. I feel as though I am in a hazy fog of happiness, every action I take I can only think of her and though it may be seen by some as horrible, I do not see it this way.

I love her.
She is mine and I am hers.
Forever is not long enough to be with one such as Amaranthia.

[Leiren]

I have put some thought into things, after speaking with Asmodeus. The male has admitted to me he knows not love. Which flabbergasted me but of course I suppose I can see it with him. Truly he isn't one I would have considered good with such things. Still, it had helped put some things into perspective for me.

I was sworn to believe that Amara had taken another, Tristan, to replace me. That in such a short time between the two of us meant that I was not good enough for her when she turned me.

Now I am thinking it is not that way.

I know Amaranthia loves me. She came to me and I am her's and we both know these things.

But if Tristan was not my replacement, what does Amara truly see in him? I have heard his skills with a computer are something to marvel at, so we shall see. Because this is how it must be. And though I can not fathom not despising this male whom Amara took so soon after me, I feel I can fake it to make her happy.

[Leiren]

It's like self destructing
why do I do it?
Seeing him at all
it only brings agony.

So never again will I.
I shall never think
dream, smell, wish
of him again.

The pain it causes
it seeps into me
evenly laced with emotion
it can not be allowed.

It is the end, with no beginning.

[Leiren]

It didn't take her a lot of thought. It was needing to be done and though normally she would never think to rid herself of such things, this one thing, this one time, was suitable. Leiren had gathered every book that mentioned Nick, sat on her couch, and pulled the papers from the books. Of course there was the one she had simply given to Nick, that was set in the pile.

She picked it all up, careful not to balance the objects against her still healing torso, and dumped them all in a cheep fabric bag she picked up at a store earlier. Of course, she had been careful to keep herself out of harms way in her harmed condition, but truly it wasn't that big of a matter. If her stalker showed up, she'd scream at her babysitter. Yup. Lovely ******* life.

Checking her pockets first, she then left the safety of her apartment and moved through the building to the alley out back. She didn't need to really worry about this getting out of control. It would simply not be reasonable for it to do so. Once in the ally she placed the backpack down and opened it up, eying the continence. This part of her life was done, didn't need to be remembered and would prolly still haunt her for at least a few years. Thus it could disappear on paper just fine. She pulled out a piece of the paper and took her lighter from her pocket, setting it aflame before dropping it back in the fabric bag and as she watched the flames eat away at that which she had written about Nick Bowstrong a smile spread over her lips.

She watched the entire thing burn, fascinated by the fire and how quickly it consumed, and as she did she let all those thoughts of him burn with them. Releasing them from her mind with every flicker of flame. As it died out, so too did any and every thought and memory of Nick, they were there in her subconscious, sure, but she would never feel them as she did and there would be no regrets.

Nick was nothing, when compared to Amaranthia.

[Leiren]

I do not understand what had brought about such events in my life that I can no longer simply go to the library without having to fear for my well-being, but this is how things are. The male, my official stalker, did indeed find me there and without a soul to protect me save for myself that is, and to place me up against such a male is asking for death. So. Whatever it is I have done to possess such things in this man needs to be dealt with and though I know Asmo would seek to protect me in such a time when I come across him again, I can not see this going well and shall have to ask him to stay behind.

I do not know when. I do not care. I am tired of looking over my shoulder for a male I don't understand. If I am harmed, at the very least, maybe I will know. And to know is a wonderful thing for one as curious as myself.

Closing the book she placed it on her shelf, making sure it was even with the rest of the books, and then she moved to her couch, resting that small form upon it as she shifted her thoughts to seeking out the memories of those she wished to see. If nothing else, it would be useful for later.

[Leiren]

I am going to make this work.
I will not fail.
It is not an option.

[Leiren]

And now my deeds have been done, still sorrow rips though my soul and I know I can stand this no longer.
I had hope, a plan, an idea, and knowledge. Or so I thought. It was all for nothing if he does not do as I wished.

I did not foresee everything which did happen to me, over these past two night, but I have cleared my head, made my peace, and one way or another something will give.

Even if it means I owe Tristan my life for eternity.