-xx- For Understanding -xx-

[Leiren]

My beast, he has taken it from me. He has taken what he deemed his and now I fear I am his. He moves through my mind and I see such grace, even in a feral being. It is carnal lust. This is all I can think on the matter. He did take, I could not stop, and I fear I enjoyed him even as I shed tears.

I shall not be playing this game with him again, a mouse to this cat. No. Not a sultry stalking cat with pray. He is a snake. Twisting coils around my neck and binding my hands. Slithering into the deepest reaches of my mind and though I have vowed to myself to not see him again, I fear I will.

Where is my saving graces and how do I unlock such a thing?

[Leiren]

Fingers trail over pages, a new book that is gray in color. It is not for her crimes with Asmodeus, this is new. A slightly tainted shade of white that calls to her now. Things shifting in her mind, playing on her soul. There was so much that was unknown to her, and yet, this would be the beginning of a new tale woven in her depths. And as she sat down with this crisp new binding she could not think of anything more then the man above her. The subtle sounds of his feet. His voice. She cared not for the rest and so she focused on that book, pen meeting paper in harmony.

I do so believe that my eyes did deceive me, that night, when I had laid with the Allurist in his bed. For some reason, I do not recall, I wished to see him and so I did. I moved to his door, slipped inside his home, and wrapped myself in his glories. it is not wise to seek refuge in a man with ideas' home. Still I did. This was not the Nick the rest of the city knew, no matter whom says other wise, this is my Nick. The sweet male who gives such affection and tempts with thoughts of care and love. Even if it is to be understood that it would not last, could not, for no man with thoughts of sex and women that expanded as far as his did, thought of such thing normally. Right?

She turned her head, eyes looking around the room to be sure none were there. She was alone and she relished in the sanctuary.

It does not really matter, but I think I have a Crush on this male. I could not ever tell anyone, I could not let it slip past my lips, but I do. And so I let him tempt me. I let him take me to heights I didn't know I could get too. It was amazing, god it was amazing.

Her hand quivered and the letters on the page faltered.

When I awoke, he was himself and it scared me so. I thought I had lost him and then, slowly I suppose, I realized that I hadn't. I have not lost such things, his lips still play on me. I can not stop smiling.

She moved her pen to the bottom of the page and drew a big smiley face, its eyes big and wide and his mouth a huge toothy grin. And then her fingers moved and she drew a little heart by his head. A simple gesture of thinking with ones emotions, feelings, rather then the thoughts she craved.

[Leiren]

Confusions
laced though synapses.
Eyes befallen one
body for another.

Am I wrong
to see such in one
craving another
Forgiveness.

Blessed or Cursed
Damned and demanded
I am wrapped and taken
lost in pleasures grasp.

[Leiren]

She had pulled out an old journal, one with torn pages and misspelled words laced through every page. There was little she could do not to fix such a thing, she had written in this one when she was twelve. The once bright green cover had faded to a pale hue of its former glory and there were at least a few stains from spilled drinks. Not that this was so bad, she had been young then, not understanding what these would mean to her later. And they would, in the end, mean a great deal to her. She was to live forever now, or that was the theory anyway, and as long as she kept all these books she had hand written she was sure to be able to remember everything, right? Or well, at least try to remember everything.

She cracked the pages, eyes scanning as she read over past thoughts of her parents, her school, her friends. That was what she had been looking for. To remember what it was about this woman so long ago she had found special. Something about her spoke deep into her soul and she wanted to find this girl, with years to search it could not be that hard. Her eyes scanned the pages, taking in the features she had remember to write down. She was beautiful, still in her mind locked behind drugged moments and absentee thoughts. Dark hair that seemed to lace about her like strands of silk. Piercing eyes and she swore could see the sanity in the depths of her soul, and she had more then once dreamed of kissing those full beautiful lips.

But she had never. It had never occurred to her then that it was okay for a woman to enjoy another woman and though she knew now it did not matter, it did not change the past. She was not sure why, after so long, she felt the need to seek this woman out, maybe it was the slight distance between her and Amaranthia. Which, in the end, was fine. It did not change Leiren's thoughts on the woman or her dedication to her sire. it simply made her curious what Amaranthia was doing, and who she was doing it with.

She closed the book and with a sigh placed it back on the shelf for future thoughts.

[Leiren]

I do not know what it is about me that enjoys time with my brutal beast but I feel as though I am tainted with the dirty things this male does with me. It would not bother me so much if I did not enjoy it but I do. I think I could be considered his whore and this disturbs me. I was so innocent before this male touched me! And now, well, now I'm his slut. He looks at me after he abuses my form and smiles. It creeps into my soul, warps my mind and yet I feel so amazingly happy that I have pleased him.

What is wrong with me?!

It as scribbled in huge print across the next page. Fitting really, though she could have made it a ten foot banner and hung it from her wall and it still wouldn't be enough to get the point across on just how much this was upsetting her. That she could be someones, thing, and enjoy it so. It was disturbing when she thought of him at night and compared these thoughts to what she had read in books about sweet lovers embraces. It made her feel dirty and she had sat in her bathtub more then once letting tears fall along her cheeks. Not because she thought Asmo was a monster for his actions with her, but because she enjoyed it and the thought of being so low harmed her that much. She felt those tears well in her eyes once more and she slammed the book shut, throwing it across the room and listening to the loud thunk as it hit the wall.

Why would he do this to her? Why would any male seek to make someone fall so far, so fast.

[Leiren]

It only makes it worse.

She was thinking of Nick, her eyes locked to the pages of the journal she had gotten for her crush. She had doodled images around these words. Suns and Moons, symbols for water and fire, good and evil as she thought of the differences between the males whom she could not help but keep herself from enjoying. This was going to drive her insane, it had already begun to do so.

She needed to write about something, anything, else and there for she placed this journal down and grabbed a different one. This one was green a blue ribbon wrapped around the outside. It had reminded her of Reyna, and since she figured she was calling the woman friend, it would be a good start for a journal of friendship. In fact the word was written on the hard bound spine in gold.

She cracked the cover open, flipped to the first page for writing and doodled the woman's name in swirly letters.

Reyna

Again she turned the page, this time setting her thoughts on this woman and there was only one thing she could think.

Why, in god's name, did this woman kiss me?

[Leiren]

The fact she had yelled at Asmodeus and complained about her having a baby sitter did not need to be written. That was, simply, one memory she did not need to share and if anyone ever knew she and thrown such a tantrum it would only serve to make her look like a foolish child, which she was not. Would never be again. This she was going to work on, prove to herself she could be just as adult as the rest. Or, well, maybe not that far. It was hard when she was angry to control her anger and she despised the fact the beast got under her skin as well as he did.

Slithering ropes
wrapped around ivory
deaths release, blessed.
Never to be had.

Creeping through veins
sliding into thoughts.
So dirty. So unclean.
This is what he's done to me.

I can feel it tightening.
It's not even there.
God save me, from myself.

[Leiren]

I was a fool to believe I could simply tell Amara I wished to be rid of Asmodeus and expect it so. In fact, it was more then stupid. It was naive and I do not like to be such. Not to mention it did no good. I am still stuck with this male, still laced with thoughts of such things, and now. Now I truly do feel as though I am his whore. But I can't be this! I can not have fallen so far from grace to deserve to be this mans ****! If he leaves me money on the nightstand I will truly loose my damn mind and I fear it would come, if he thought he had too. But instead I gave him myself freely, or as freely as I could manage and now I have such thoughts

She shivered and pulled herself together, tracing her mind for anything she could to describe what it was she felt.

I feel betrayed. I feel used, abused, dirty and disastrous. If he would only go away. If I could only get him to leave me be. Yet I can not. Amara's wish is to see this man by my side, for supposedly this is his punishment. I see him not faulting at all. He enjoys torturing me so. And now. Now I can not even confide in Nick. I am alone.

I hate being alone.

[Leiren]

Small form curled up on her couch, thoughts flowing from hand to pen to paper. She should have been upset. Should have thought about this a bit more, she supposed, but this was writing what was done and what was done could not be undone. She pressed harder. The simple letters coming with ease and she was surprised to find a grin on her lips as she wrote every word.

I've lost it. Not only did I loose it. I hit him. Sure I didn't do much damage, but it felt so good to hit him. To yell at him. I could have died and never thought twice about it. Asmodeus could have killed me, I'm more then sure of this, but he didn't. I've no idea what form of self control this man uses but it must be stellar to allow me to land blows, even if just to leave quickly disappearing bruises, and to not beat me. Forcing me against the wall so I could only kick at him wasn't his best idea, either.

Man did it feel good to just, hit him.

She let her eyes close and pictured that night again, how amazing it felt to land blows, even if they weren't as strong as his body could take.

I felt alive. I felt amazing. And then he dared to pin me. I can still remember exactly how I felt and how much I loved every minute of it. I want to remember this always.

She paused, smirked, and placed the pen to her lips, flicking her tongue over the end and clamping down on it with her teeth. She was lost in thought for a good few moments and though she could not bring herself to not write it out, as she felt it was important, she could simply pick and choose what to say. Pen hit paper once more.

I despise being alone. Truly I do. Which may have had something to do with this, or maybe it was for Amara. Even i don't know why I did it, but I placed that mans collar around my neck, it was not tight, it wasn't harsh. It was odd, but almost. Nice.

I took his every blow just as he had done mine, though I do not think mine upon him did as his did to me. I didn't feel dirty or like a whore for the first time since that night in the Necropolis. No. I felt alive. I took his punishment in stride and it would be a lie to say that I did not enjoy every single thing he did to me, even if in the end I was completely exhausted.

I don't love him, I can't even stand him half the time, but.... the man is very good at touching in all the right places. Wrong or not, his pet, as he called me, or not. It doesn't matter.

The sex is so good.

[Leiren]

Nimble fingers turn to new pages in this book she had labeled for friendship. She had only made Reyna as her friend, as of yet, and in her opinion that was enough for now. Though she did so long for days gone past of school times and summer nights with friends. Still she stayed her hand on that one page. That page she had written with that one question and then, without hesitation, she wrote the words upon her mind.

Why, exactly, did I kiss her back?

It was a question upon her mind since that night when the woman came to comfort her, but did not seem to need written until now. Now when she was longing for the friendship and to see her once more. She turned the page, and in very small print she continued.

I do not see
how one such as thee
could say they want
a disaster piece.

Bound in blood
I choose her!
Still you set
to see me free.

But I am free,
I believe,
from all those things
done to me.

I plead you not
say that again
I can not loose you
you are Friend.