Longing (Austin Hughes)

[Judah Marck]

He felt the comforting weight of that hand against his shoulder, too easy to lean into it, to succumb to the man's efforts to soothe and pacify Jude's shuddering frame. Austin had begun spilling forth his own thoughts, blue eyes shining just as Jude knew his were but the tears for him did not come. No they stayed at bay with a series of practiced blinks, long dark lashes fluttering to brush his cheekbones. He wanted to argue, to make the man listen to him apologise. Even as he was told it wasn't his fault, he knew it was, it was Austin's feelings for Jude that had stopped him being able to move on. Had Jude stopped coming back, had Jude managed to keep things locked in tighter maybe they would be ok. No, he knew that those thoughts were fundamentally wrong, that the opposite was true but doubt continued to weigh in on his perception. The reason they stood here trembling, on the verge of tears confessing to imagined sins was because they had lied to themselves for so long. Judah had lied to himself about how desperately he clung to Austin, to the need for him and Austin had been lying for so long about being ok with it.

It wasn't ok, and it broke Judah's heart to watch the pain he had caused.

He was stunned, thoroughly so as he acknowledged the tears that had begun spilling in earnest down Austin's cheeks, watching with an almost detached interest as his hand reached to try and smooth away the tears. He imagined he could somehow stem the flow with that gentle touch but there were so many, too many and there was no way he could catch them all. His shock cooled his centre, easing some of the spreading heat and centralising it; letting it settle into the pit of his stomach and flush of his cheeks. Every word felt like a slow twist of a dagger, cutting into Jude and tearing him apart, laying bare the intimacy of their dilemma so that neither one could hide from it even if he tried. There was no going back, it was forwards to forever, or falling to pieces.

Hands tried to catch at the falling weight, to keep him upright and strong, but Austin was on his knees like a man before the altar. It brought to mind the image of one praying for forgiveness and his God's love. There was no God in this room, and no saint to speak of. Austin lamented, he worshipped before a broken man and asked that he make room for him, that he draw him in to let rest his aching soul upon the hearth. What they both wanted, perhaps what they needed to redeem them and yet still Jude felt a sense of trepidation, hesitating to sink into the heady midst of his desires. Why? That nagging at the back of his mind, he did not deserve forgiveness, nor redemption. He alone should suffer, and Austin be let free of the torment.

Fingertips reached out, searching, pushing amongst dark hair, stroking soothingly in a motion that had the hand trailing down Austin's shoulder blades, trying to draw forth some sense of comfort for them both. "Shh, no, please don't cry, please. I can't do this to you anymore, I can't bring you to your knees, make you suffer. It's wrong. I've been so God damn wrong." It was beginning to dawn on him slowly but surely that no matter what the outcome, no matter he said or did their lives were intrinsically tied together. Judah did not want to offer false hope, false promises and yet he was determined to try, to acknowledge that he might fail at the endeavour of love.

He was broken, that was true, but perhaps not beyond repair.

Carefully he mimicked Austin's previous gesture, a hand cupping the man's face, thumb tracing a line across his lower lip as Jude bit into the plump flesh of his own. He took his time, his other hand coming up to caress the other side, feeling the stubble there; faint and threatening to return without the sharp attention of a razor. Gently lips found the tears, with the brush of lips trying to softly remove the fresh tears, to try and lift that veil of sadness. "I can't promise you everything, I have no idea what i've got left to give but I know that neither of us can walk away. Here I was, prepared to let you hate me, to rail and rally against but you are on your knees. You are asking for me, offering to... You deserve more than me, you know that right?" His head dipped, body bowing forwards so that as he urged Austin's face to lift his own came within reach.

Lips parted, tenderly brushing a whisper of a kiss at first, tentative and uncertain. "I love you, Austin Hughes, and hear me when I say that I am so sorry for making you wait. I beg you have patience with me, I know I have no ******* right to ask that, but give me time. Guide me, please. Show me how to love you, how to worship you outside of the shadows of fear. Give me time." He didn't leave time for response, no, he was weary of words and just wanted to let the man FEEL his intentions. His lips lowered in a more forceful embrace, eager and wanton. They had all the time in the world to argue, to talk, to cry but for now he just wanted to give into the urgency of need. Just for a few minutes before the inevitable confusion reared it's ugly head once more. Jude was offering something in that kiss, there was a question held within it that demanded answer.

[Austin Hughes (DELETED 8178)]

As he was kneeling at Judah's feet, looking up at him through a lens of tears, he began to pray silently. Like he had all those years before and since. He prayed for the strength to take whatever judgment Jude was about to deliver onto to him. Prayed he would be able to handle the heartbreak that he feared was going to come crashing down upon him like the tsunami that was building inside of him. He knew that even if the worst were to be spoken, no matter harshness of the outcome, he would some how need to pull himself up and carry on. God was the only one that would be able to.

Judah's hands found their way down to him and he found himself leaning gently into the light embrace of it. He listened to the words being spoken. Hung onto every syllable as though they were a life raft in this sea of emotions that he felt he would drown in if he were not careful. It was not really the things that Jude did or said that where making him suffer, Austin had mastered his own form of masochistic torture that put him in a state of emotional distress. He suffered because he felt he had to. If it were not for him constantly opening back up to him, Jude might be able to set himself free to finally move on. No, love itself was a form of torture that Austin had because content with, no matter how many times it left him a mess of tears on the floor. Judah was chosen poison in this life, no matter the damage he caused to Austin.

His eyes remained locked about the beautiful face he had all but memories, only breaking slightly to blink away more tears as they fell down his face. His breath quickened and sharpened at Jude's touch. His heart was racing as every soft press of his lips sent waves of heat through him. Austin felt he didn't deserve Judah. How had he put him in the situation he had. Not just now but all those years ago. How had he moved into the home of a new family, knowing that it would do nothing but muddle things up. Judah and Anna had deserved better than that. Better than him. No, Austin was selfish though. He wanted him, no matter the cost.

Before he had time to respond, he found himself rising to meet the lowering Judah only to be pulled briefly away a moment later. Again, he clung to each word the came from Judah. His heart felt like it would spring from chest. Expecting for the worst to happen but, instead hearing what he had always hoped to hear. Heat flashed through him, darkening his already rose colored cheeks. Of course get would be patient with him. Of course he would give him time. They would help one another through this. They each had their own flaws and they each had their own strengths. Together they would balance out one another. Just as before, only different now, but still the same. As he opens his mouth to respond, he is taken, again, by surprise. This not not just with the kiss, but the power, energy, and intensity behind it. Austin returned the kiss with his own passion and need behind it as found his arms reaching up to wrap around the man, pulling down and closer to him. Wanting and need behind every movement, even as he felt it could all crash down around him at any moment. For now, for this kiss at least, it was just the two of them in the world and Austin that was all that mattered.

[Judah Marck]

The kiss carried them away, Jude letting himself sink into Austin, to be drawn under and let the desires crash over him with each brush up lips raising his temperature and making him soar. Thoughts were scattered, and the pair whispered feverishly to each other, kissing and embracing until exhaustion threatened to take them. Hours seemed to pass, the two of them somehow ending up on the couch in silence, in restful sleep.

When Judah woke he lay half atop Austin, the taller of the two men stretched out along the couch, peaceful. Somewhere in the moment he'd shed most of his outfit, his t-shirt, the flannel and jacket all strewn about the floor but Jude for the life of him couldn't recall removing them, only the touch of bare skin, the movement of hands admiring him. "Austin..." He whispered the name, giving the other man time to stir as he detached himself. He had no concept of time, and his phone was somewhere amongst the clothes. With each layer he donned a touch of that fear came back, as if clothing himself was covering up emotionally as well as physically and so he stopped. Why bother? He wasn't leaving right now anyway, he had to stay.

He needed to see this through.

T-shirt and a smile, both he wore well, finding his phone in the pocket of his jacket before tossing it back to the ground. Three hours, they'd murmured, kissed and dozed for three hours. How was that even possible? Jude crawled back into the safe space he'd recently left, lifting the throw blanket back to cover them once more. "Austin Hughes, this is your wake up call, you're going to be late for school." A lame joke, but it had Jude giggling at himself.

[Austin Hughes (DELETED 8178)]

He hears his name whispered and feels the shifting of weight. He breathes out a heavy breath, as he becomes vaguely aware of the missing article of clothing. His shirt is gone for reason. He feels the weight of Jude come back and the warmth that follows.

A smile comes across his face as he hears the joke. "I don't want to school today. I want to stay here forever." He let's out a small chuckle.

With a quick movement he grabs Jude and wraps into another embrace as his lips find his and meet again. It is not a long drawn out one like the ones before but a soft, welcoming and comforting one. As there lips separate from one another he opens his eyes to the man."Hi". He smiled again.

[Judah Marck]

Judah scoffed a little laugh, returning the easy kiss, trying to ignore the niggling feeling of doubt and the multitude of questions that buzzed in his head now that he was awake all too sober. "Mmm, hi." He nuzzled another, tentative kiss to Austin's jaw, giving him a jokingly stern face. "Well too bad, Hughes, because you can't just stay here forever. Nepalese orphans, and other villagers all over the world need you! Wow, you know, you and Louvel should really travel together sometime. I think you guys could conquer the world together." There was no twinge of jealousy now, no, he'd long established that there was no attraction between the two even though Jude wondered if there should be. "Plus, i'm getting hungry and my blood is severely lacking in alcohol level. It's nearly dinner time, and there was a million things I was supposed to do..."

Did he care about those million things?

Yes, he did, but right now? He just wanted to stay here, to ignore the world. His stomach grumbled a complaint, making Jude let out a reluctant sigh of acknowledgement. "Yeah, yeah, food. I get it. Look, Hughes..." Jude peeked up at the man, but quickly shut his eyes again, easier to speak if he wasn't looking at him. "We, uh, we still REALLY need to talk ok? I can't just... I can't just slip into my own happy little world, there is too much at stake for me. I want to try, I guess, yeah I want to try but right now? There is some serious stuff happening, the family needs my focus right now and I don't know what's going to happen." He knew he was being rather cryptic, but Austin understood how the von der Marck's could be, that they were like some epic secret society and while Anna had gotten a taste of what it was like to be one of them, Austin always ended up on the fringes of that part of his life.

Jude wondered what it would be like, to rock up to a family occasion with arm around Austin. His close cousins and immediate family knew the man, they knew him as the best friend, the housemate, the fellow Pastor. At first no one would really question, hell some might tease him about it being about damn time, but his parents? His parents-in-law? That would be a whole other story. "I think we need to figure out what is going on, what... Can you put your shirt on? That is SERIOUSLY distracting man, like... Seriously." His hand brushed over Austin's abdomen curiously, addicted to the soft touch, to tracing the curves of a man he'd missed so much.

[Austin Hughes (DELETED 8178)]

Laughter left the man's chest "It would take Lou and I forever to take over the world. He'd have to stop and climb every mountain or skydive or something else crazy and I'd stop and help every person and animals that needed help" Well try at least. They would have fun along the way though. Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea to take him on his trip. That is if he wanted to go of course. "You and August should come on a trip sometime. I'm sure he'd love to play with all the village kids."

He stood up and found his shirt. Jedi had decided it was his new bed for the moment. After a quick rub down the dog moved on and he retrieved his shirt. "Better?" He asked making a little turn around and pose for the man. "Come on I can cook us up something while we talk and you know you're welcome to the alcohol." He made his way out and over to the kitchen.

Judah said he wanted to try. That was all that mattered to Austin. He knew the man had a lot on his lap and he was willing to work with him. It would, after all, take two to make this work. Austin was more than willing to put in the effort if Judah was as well.

[Judah Marck]

Jude laughed too, the image pretty clear in his head. Austin stopping to chat to everyone he could, Louvel staring off longingly into the distance at a mountain range he wished to explore, to the lush people free forests he wanted to trek through. The pair laying in the silence of some long lost region, finding ruins and natural wonders. As Austin made his suggestion, one that Louvel too had made that August be brought along an adventure, he saw the four of them instead. Austin with his hands behind his head, Jude's resting on his chest, August at his side and Louvel nearby, explaining to him about the region the were in and why it was so special to the world. Beautiful. "Yes..." He breathed softly, clearing his throat to lift the heaviness from it before speaking again. "I think that would be amazing, we could ask Lou too? The four of us, trekking off to find some peace, some adventure, to just be in the world. I like the sound of it, maybe once all of this family craziness is settled." It hit him then, like a tonne of bricks. The reality that he'd not wanted to wake to, how much he wished he could forget the world and sink into Austin.

If the family matters were settled in the way he hoped, then things may never be the same.

Would they get to go on this daydream trip? Would Jude be free to roam, the burden lifted? Tied instead to a heavier task? Who knew, and while he felt excitement there was also a dark cloud of foreboding weighing upon his often troubled mind. God help him, for this would be the truest test of all. "Hmm? Oh!" He laughed dismissively, nodding his head as the shirt was slipped over the man's head. "Look I don't know if it is better, but certainly less distracting." He too rose from the couch, heading into the kitchen, only pausing to grab a bottle of whiskey and two glasses from the little bar. "Right, food. Whatcha cooking, good looking?" Jude plonked himself at the kitchen table, filling the glasses without asking what the man wanted to drink, he'd deal with it. "One of the many Hughes' classic recipes? Anything but ramen please, we could afford actual food and we still ate too much of that stuff in the loft." The loft, he smiled fondly, "I'm never going to be able to shake the way you said my name that night from my memory. You know that right?" Why had he said it? Jude wanted to kick himself, because he heard his own sharp inhale, felt the familiar twisting in his lower abdomen. The kiss that followed haunted his dreams, and he recalled that only moments ago he'd gotten to steal those lips to his.

Reality was too heavy, and all he wanted was to fall into that dream, to create new memories that echoed the passion, the fear, the excitement in that kiss. Was that so wrong? Probably, but he was already on his feet.

He felt like his heart wanted to jump into his throat all over again, his pulse rate picking up and his nerves raising. Why was he still so affected? Jude took a deep sip of his drink, taking the other over to place in front of Austin, placing his own beside it. Abandoned for now. Jude stepped into the taller man's personal space, brushing carefully against a back. Hands came up to rest at a waist, splayed fingertips brushing curiously. They stretched at the thin material of his shirt, slipping around over a taut abdomen that begged hands to press against it. It felt something like home, but way more interesting, more exciting. He wondered if Austin could hear his heart thudding in his chest, could feel at his back as he rose on tip toes. Lips sought a bare patch of skin at the nape of his neck, just reaching it, the tickle of hair touching his nose and making it wrinkle. "I think i'm going to end up making myself go hungry, Hughes. I was wrong, the shirt really didn't help at all." His voice was barely a whisper, catching on the man's last name, hitching with a caught breath. "Ahem... Do you want ice in your whiskey? A cool drink instead?" Judah von der Marck was absolutely, positively screwed if he couldn't even focus long enough to eat.

[Austin Hughes (DELETED 8178)]

The thought of the four of them all together was one that Austin could get use to. The only thing standing in the way was family. That was the down side to being in love with Marck. Till you become one of them, there was no way you would get behind their fortified walls. Even then, there was still a sort of inner circle that seemed to keep things to themselves. They were by no means a normal family.

He found himself leaning lightly back into Jude. He placed one hand on his as the other rose up to run through Judah's hair. "I'll never forget our time in the loft." He turned in his arms and wrapped his own around the man. Placing one hand on the small of his back. The other to his side, lightly gripping at his shirt. "Not just that night, but our whole time there. That night, however, is by far my favorite."

He found himself leaning in towards Judah. Pushing their lips together again, not unlike he had that night all those years ago. He still felt the same about Jude now as he did then, maybe more. The intensity was still there, just as it had been earlier that day. He was addicted to the man. Would he fully admit this? One day probably but for now only to Jude himself. They both would go hungry at this rate. He moved both hands to his side and gently picked him up placing him on the kitchen table as he parted their lips. Breathing in sharply, his voice was shaky again"How...how about breakfast then?" He cleared his throat as he stood and pulled himself away and towards the refrigerator.

[Judah Marck]

Judah welcomed the contact with relative ease, it was still boggling his mind to think that hours ago he'd been panicking about knocking on the man's door, dreading making an apology, confessing and potentially having it thrown in his house. His fears in that regard were unwarranted, he should have known better but it was easier to let himself think the worst. Now here they were, Jude's eyes slipping closed of Austin kissed him, a kiss that held in it a desperate sort of passion, a desire to communicate where words couldn't. A declaration, of sorts. A hand was bunched in his shirt, just as his own fists locked in the material of Austin's and he was beginning to understand exactly how easy it had been to shed the layers of clothing earlier. He had to make a concerted effort not to tug upwards now.

Arms slid upwards, one locking behind the nape of Austin's sink, capturing strands of shorter hair with seeking fingertips. He found himself airborne, a sudden, sharp movement that gave a quick remind of the fact that the many was not only able to tower of him in height, but the years of hard work on his travels had done him a good service. There was a strength rippled beneath his skin, taught muscles that Jude's hands wanted desperately to explore to claim. One such adventurous hand traced over the muscles of his back, kneading into the flesh, lower, lower. A sharp inhale of breath and subsequent whimper gave him away as Austin deepened the kiss only to end it a few moments later. "B-breakfast? Hey where are you-... Food. Ok. Cook, please." He gripped the edges of the table, staying put, trying to clear his head. "Anna told me to go to you. I never told you that... She told me not to waste time, "find Austin, love him" she said before she... Went." His tone was flustered, but there was a blankness there. "I'm sorry I let you both down."

[Austin Hughes (DELETED 8178)]

Eggs? Bacon? Maybe pancakes? His opened the refrigerator to see what he had available. Most of the time when he returned home he was just so happy to have familiar junk food readily available that when he went shopping it looked like a five year old had made the shopping list. The thought of food is sent to a screeching halt as Judah tells him of Anna and what she had wished. Sweet Anna. Compared to her, Austin felt selfish. Even as she was facing her own mortality she thought of others.

He hadn't heard anything of this. Would it of changed things if he had? Probably not. "You didn't let me down Jude." He said as he pulled out a juice pouch and tossed it to the man. "You had lost Anna and you needed time. Not just to morn her but understand what you really want. That's never easy. He pulled out his own juice along with the bacon and eggs and placed them on the counter.

"I had to take time as well. To know if I really wanted to wait and risk waiting for something that might never happen. It's one of the main reasons I stay gone so much. It's easier to focus on myself while I'm helping others." He quickly opened his juice pouch and drink it, tossing the remains in the trash before going to wash his hands and grab the pans for the food.

"Now, you said we need to talk, so let's talk." He said as he waited for the pans to heat up.