Casper Song [History and Musings]

[Azraeth]

Journal,

It's been ages since I used you, but I suppose that's normal isn't it? I don't know anyone who uses these regularly save for that one guy on Vampire Diaries, and he seems to have the market on blood sucking and record keeping cornered so I'll be sure to find my own niche another time. For now, you'll just have to be a fair weather friend.

In the past month or so, I've found my horizons expanding in ways that I never thought they would. I've recently come to find that I can deal in manners of the spirit. I had recently become a summoner after dealing with one of those wraiths that's become the talk of the town lately. I learned how to bring spirits to me so that I can drink them into myself, a process that is both scary in its own way and yet invigorating. They appear a lot like smoke, barely tangible, and yet one can tell that they were once intelligences. I suppose that's what makes the whole thing so eerie. Spirits aren't just vampiric red bull; they're very much persons who once had histories, families. They were once just as real as anyone else in our world, and I have the ability to inhale them like little more than some good weed.

Fadebeasts came next, but lets not stay on that subject too long. I created one and the damn thing tried to take a leg off before I was able to cage it and then kill it. Needless to say, I won't be venturing into that particular realm again anytime soon. Perhaps the most interesting has been my wraith. I suppose that where spirits are the energy left over when someone passes, residual or otherwise, it is wraiths that are the consciousness. Or maybe they aren't the same thing at all. I'm not even sure, but what I do know is that I can speak with him. His English is atrocious, but he seems to have a fair grasp on French. Apparently he comes from the south of France, the Avignon region, and he was a witch loyal to the House of Borgia around the 1400's.

I've not made a habit of socializing much with him, but he was born of an English mother and a French father. His mother named him Hollister, and he gained his father's surname, Deschamps. He apparently grew up moving around the French countryside, and moved to Italy in his late teens where he learned how to speak Italian. From there, it's a fairly boring story. What's more interesting perhaps is that I won't let him use his given name. I suppose it's a measure that isn't necessary, but I like for him to be reminded who he belongs to. We're business partners in a way, and you know how I am about those. Business mixed with leisure is never a healthy combination.

Yours,
Casper

[Azraeth]

Journal,

I'm not quite sure when it happened, but at some point, I stopped allowing myself to feel. I guess really it would be a combination of several things. I was close to my brother in life and I've not allowed myself to try and fix the bond we had, the one that he wanted to break after we died. That's probably what got the ball rolling, and everything else just snowballed in after it. Amaranthia was my first real attempt at romance and...well after Nikolae killed her, that was all of that. She seems to have left a decoy in the Temple, so I'm often reminded of her when I venture from the Hunting Grounds. She seems to have retreated in a way. I blame her lineage, ther's a schism there that I can't understand, and yet that is all too transparent for an outsider. Oh well; it's really not any of my business.

Nikolae and I are...close enough. It's hard to really quantify our relationship. I can't begrudge him for having killed me or turned me now, and on some level I know that he does love me. I was his first childe, the first to join the dragon kind and wake up with draconian eyes. I have been with him through his whole journey in a way that not even his sire has been able to. He is the head of the Dragomir, and I am a cog in its machine. We are equals in a lot of ways, and yet there are other places in which he holds more power, places in which I hold my own. Now that the both of us are becoming more involved in the city affairs again, we'll probably end up getting something together. But that's just the nature of the game, if you will. We're able to plot together, and it's when we get all of our best plans set into action.

Asher was...well he was kind of the last nail in the coffin. He was always a passionate one, the kind of man who let his emotions rule everything. That was his mistake, his ultimate downfall. I understood his ambition, his raw animal power, his commanding nature, those were all good qualities, but he had too many weaknesses to make up for them. He became a joke of the things that made him respectable as a human. Ambition became power climbing, grubbing at the dirt to try and scrape together any form of honor or worth. That magnetism became nothing more than ignorance. He was the only thing I ever consider a mistake. He was on the brink of death when I turned him. I made him and he put a knife in my back. It was something I never wanted to repeat.

Everything, all of it worked together and I stopped wanting to feel, stopped wanting to experience the life I've been granted. Cutting out my humanity? Oh I did that all on my own. But since returning, I've come to realize that I can't totally cut off my psyche from developing. I can't halt what is constantly growing, which means that I am either caging and crippling it or I am encouraging it. I've made the choice to nurture my human side again, but I think the one who is really to blame for that is Kistan. I don't do the sappy stuff, but he makes me happy, and I know that I do the same for him. It's been months since I even entertained the idea of something akin to a relationship. I've had some fun along the way, but for the most part, I've kept to myself. I think it might just be time for me to give this whole sentiment thing another try.

Yours,
Casper