In and out.
Just get in and out…
The mantra played on repeat on her mind, growing louder with each second that ticked by. Even still, her hands still trembled as she lifted her cup to her mouth. Her fingers clutched the plastic tight enough that cracks began to form, the soft snaps barely heard above the sound of laughter and music that surrounded her. It was nearly deafening, and paired with the scents and array of emotions that filled the apartment, her sanity was slipping from her like quicksand. Closing her eyes, she tried to hold herself steady, a statue among the hundreds of bodies that pressed in against each other, swaying to whatever song blared from the speaker dangling precariously from the ceiling.
Taking a sip from the crushed container in her white-knuckled grasp, she nearly choked as the cheap beer splashed against her tongue, warm and thick. Her eyes started to water, and she freed one hand to press her hand against the hollow of her throat, hoping that would ease the foul alcohol down before she added to the piles of vomit on the floor. I don’t belong here, interrupted the chant, the thought causing reality to come crashing in. All around her were bodies covered in sweat and running mascara, the mixture of cologne and perfume nowhere near strong enough to cover the scent of body odor and cigarettes. They were nothing like the clientele that she brought in back home, and this apartment was far too small to house their bodies with ease. With barely any room to breathe, she was left to wonder how they were even managing to dance, their bodies pressed too close together.
Take a moment and just focus.
That’s all you have to do.
Focus.
A sound to the side had her head snapping around, the sudden cough interrupting her thoughts. It took her a second to realize what she thought was a cough was yet another blonde doubled over, her hand clutching her bare stomach as she released the contents of her dinner all over the floor. The sour scent was too much, and as the drunken girl started to laugh, as if her vomiting was the highlight of her evening, Caligrace twitched. That last thread of sanity she had snapped, and she could feel the darkness pushing in. The scream built in her throat, and the cup she held slipped from her fingers, crashing to the floor. The beer spilled out across her Jimmy Choos, but she didn’t care. No, she couldn’t care.
She had to get out of here.
Her palms landed against the flat of someone’s back, his sweat covered shirt clinging to her skin as she shoved him forward. In her downfall, she hardly noticed the way he flew forward, dark hair vanishing in the crowd in front of him, his grunt of surprise drowned out by the sound of intoxicated laughter. Without him in front of her, she had a free path to the kitchen, where she vaguely remembered a broken screen door slamming shut. It would be enough to allow her an escape, at least. She only made it a couple of steps when she felt her stomach twist, reminding her - painfully - as to why she was here in the first place.
She had to feed.
Sweeping her tongue across her teeth, she took a moment to close her eyes, small hand resting against the wall. There was a moment when she wondered why it was warm and sticky, but the thought vanished quickly as the searing pain hit her again. ****, girl. She’d pushed herself too far. Knowing she was out of time, she took a moment to try and force the break-down back, her sunset glossed nails dragging across the wall. Bits of wallpaper followed the motion, and though she felt it gather beneath her nails, she didn’t care. Not this time. Taking another deep breath, she ran her free hand through her scarlet curls, the scent of the leather from her jacket, still holding a hint of Bjorn, of home, of family and faction, helping to center her. Swallowing, she pushed herself from the wall and took another step, and then another, until the bright light of the kitchen drew her in.
When she crossed the threshold from carpet to tile, she stumbled forward, her hands bracing her against the counters edge. Once she was steady, she dipped her hand into the pocket of her jacket, fingers curling against the metal tin of her pillcase. She had three left, and the desire to swallow them whole nearly brought her to her knees. It would numb the pain, the darkness, the myriad of emotions swirling within her. It would quiet the thoughts, push aside the imminent break-down - but no. No, she had promised. She had promised them all, and she refused to give in so easily, even if she was teetering on the edge.
“Hey, are you -- are you alright?”
Pulled from her thoughts, her gaze snapped to the man that had spoken, his shirt wrinkled and stained with what looked like blood. Zeroing in on the splash of crimson, she swept her tongue across her lower lip, tasting the chemicals of her strawberry gloss. A minute passed, and she realized he was still watching her, dark hand outstretched, as if he wanted to steady her in case she fell. Shaking her head, she tore her gaze away and met his eyes, clear of alcohol and warm with kindness. Not him. “I’m fine, handsome. Thank you, though. Go back and enjoy the party,” she whispered, her accent out of place, and she watched his lips twitch as he realized she was far from home.
Before he could say anything else, she straightened herself and brushed past him, the screen door slamming behind her. Breathing in the night air - still tainted with smoke and alcohol - she glanced across the small backyard, taking in the faces. Some too drunk, some too high, and most were too engrossed in each other. However, a small group off to the side caught her attention, blood splattering their clothes and skin. Instead of giving in to the urge to rush across the grass and just grab one, she tilted her head, and softened her expression. She knew without a doubt, with the moon catching her hair a certain way, making it look like fire, one of them was bound to look her way. She hated to do this, to use her charm and her looks to her advantage, but with the hunger gnawing at her gut like a raging wolf, she hadn’t a choice. Taking another deep breath, she took a step forward, and started her way towards the group, hoping one would break away before she got too close.