The V Vlog

[Baptiste (DELETED 11846)]

It’s been weeks since he last posted a vlog on his channel and he watches his subscriber numbers plummet in tandem to his twitter feed exploding with messages. They want to know if he’s sick, if he’s quit, and what’s going on. A few of his YouTube friends offer some advice on burn-out in private messenger and he’s replied to them all by text, gratefully. He hasn’t yet worked up the courage to sit in front of his camera and make a video until tonight.

B breaks away from the tradition of sitting at his desk and making goofy comments aloud; he points his camera into the middle of the room and sets the focus on himself sitting cross-legged on his couch. The hard edges of the duck-egg blue sofa cuts the room in half and the viewer’s perspective is that of him in cargo shorts and a Hugo Boss t-shirt, the white wall and picture frame behind him, and the windows on either side. Since it’s midnight, the black glass reflects back some of the room he’s in, but not enough to upset his privacy or reveal his missing reflection. He’s also been careful about the lighting so that the shadows in the room are mostly blanched.

"Hey guys,” he begins.

It’s how he starts all of his videos, but B’s tone is flat - as lifeless as he is. He drops his head into his palms, groaning and rubbing his cheeks. The action draws the bottoms of his eyelids down, showing the whites of his eyes. It - and his messy, unwashed hair - give the impression that he’s just woken up rather than about to go to bed. He watches the camera’s display window and lets his hands run down his jawline before they drop into his lap; his cheeks bounce back into place like fat elastic bands.

"Ugh. Why am I bothering.”

B gets up to shut off the camera, but stops just one step off his couch.

“No one’s going to see half of this, anyway. I’d never post this on my channel, I’d have to be nuts.”

He deflates back into the sofa and breathes out heavily, pursing his lips to blow tongue-less raspberries.

“Ok. Future Me,” he says and addresses the camera again. “Please edit some of this out of the final video because we are not sharing all my drama with the world, ok? Nod if you understand. That’s great, thanks Future Me. I can always rely on you.”

B takes a breath, counts down from three, and then starts his vlog again.

“Hey guys,” he begins. He waves to the camera and smiles at how enthusiastic he looks. “Welcome back to the channel. Now, I know that there’s been rumours going around that I’ve quit YouTube or I’ve run away with some hot model to paradises unknown…” B stifles a laugh as best he can. “I woke up to the news that I was dead the other day too and well-” he stops to hold his fingers to his neck “-that’s not true. As you can see, I’m fine. I’m still here. Unfortunately.” He rolls his eyes, looks down at the empty seat next to him, and pouts childishly. “Thanks for worrying, you guys and sorry you don’t get my stuff. The llama shorts are staying with me, thank you very much. Uh. Nice try, Karen.”

B shouts off-screen to his alter-ego/scapegoat persona who he dubs ‘Karen’. He introduced the concept a little while ago during a streaming session, playing off the archetypal irritating and entitled woman meme, and watched his ratings climb. People enjoy his arguments with the mythical Karen and it became his schtick to mention her at least once every video without repeating the joke.

“So what’s up with me? Umm. Where have I been at? Why haven’t I posted any videos? I. I don’t know. I mean. I don’t really have an answer. I can sit here and tell you that that’s life, ya know, but it’s not really that. It’s not. Um. That-” he points to his camera, signifying his viewers “-that out there. What you’re all doing day to day by going to school or work and then coming home to your families. That’s real living. I just sit in front of a camera and talk. Not even about anything useful half the time.” B laughs. “Oh, but, I’m not ungrateful. I am legitimately. 100% in total and pure and unadulturated… Is that how I say that? Unadulterated. Unadultered. Una- I am massively grateful for this community that we’ve built together. You know I love you all so much. So. Hit that like button and subscribe…”

B puts up both thumbs and smiles from ear to ear, mockingly. As he drops both hands back into his lap, he breathes an exasperated sigh then runs his hand through his hair before shaking it wildly from side to side. When he's done, it stands tall for a moment before falling every which way. It's seconds before he combs it back over his head so that it's styled neatly like rows of corn.

“Ugh. I’m sorry. I don’t know why I thought that was funny, but I still do because I’m laughing. Urgh. Edit this out, B of the Future, so that B of the Present doesn’t look like a complete Jack-*** laughing at his own stupid jokes. Dear God.”

He buries his face in his own palms again before wiping them down his chin. After another exasperated sigh, he's ready to start again.

“You all know me by now. I don't throw pity parties - I can never find the right outfit. So I just wanted to reassure you quickly that videos will resume with a slightly altered schedule. I'll be posting on Thursday, Fridays, and Saturdays at 8pm EST. Thank you guys so much for your patience and I'll see you in the next video. Bye, bye!”