Day 1
“It wasn’t a difficult decision. Going to Harper Rock.” “My psychiatrist, Doctor Raigel, was the first to tell me about it. He told me that.. since the medication wasn’t helping and.. our sessions were becoming more difficult on me he wanted to recommend me to a colleague of his that worked in one of the asylums there. He.. didn’t use the word ‘asylum,’ but.. that’s what it is. He said, ‘It’s a strange place, but the folks there know more and have more resources. They can help you.’
“I smiled when I heard him say that.. Dr. Raigel was the third psychiatrist I was recommended to in two years. I’ve had many more than that but.. I’ve been with him the longest: about a year. He smiled whenever he saw me, like a friend would. On the first day he was eager and patient with me, and even though I never said a word to him that entire session, he seemed to welcome the complete silence. He would sit on the carpet a few feet in front of my chair, look down at his board and scribble away some notes for an hour, looking back at me every now and then without expectation. It was more like.. he was checking to see if I was still there with him. When he saw I was, he would smile, pleased, and continue to scratch the paper.
“For three sessions Raigel did that.. always telling my parents afterwards that it went well and.. that he looked forward to seeing me again. By the fourth meeting.. I was curious what presumptuous things he was writing about me.. So. I got out of my seat and went to look at his noteboard.
“It was a picture of me sitting in the chair I chose for the whole hour.. and beside me.. Embers, my dog and best friend.. He died a long time ago but I remembered it all vividly. ‘He’s still here,’ Dr. Raigel said to me..
“I remember feeling something burning and painful bubble up within me when he said that. ‘If he’s here, why can’t I see him?’ I heard myself reply calmly but I knew I wasn’t calm. Dr. Raigel unclipped the papers from his board and looked me dead in the eyes for a breath or two. ‘He doesn’t always want to look like a dog… sometimes he’s a bird or a person.’
“For the first time, I could hear myself thinking I found someone crazier than me. I thought ‘He’s my doctor and he was mocking me..,’ but…he smiled and told me he saw them too. He just could not hear them as well as I could. He showed me the pictures he drew from the last three sessions. One of ‘them’ posed in each. It’s safe to say I found it easier to talk to him after that.
“I loved Dr. Raigel. He understood me better than my parents. My brothers and sisters. So when he told me he wanted to recommend another psychiatrist, I was.. disappointed. It felt like I was being disowned by my own father because he couldn’t handle my crazy… again.
“He promised me this was only to help me, and that it was my choice to stay with him or to go, but that I could always call, text, or email him if I wanted to. I leaned back in my favorite chair that moment and shrugged. I didn’t want to talk to him anymore. I didn’t look him in the face but I could feel his eyes and that apologetic silence.
“After our final session, Raigel discussed the option with my parents. They were disappointed, too.. but for a different reason. On the car ride home, I closed my eyes to try and forget him. My parents didn’t say a word to me but I could hear them whispering to one another. ‘We don’t have the money for these constant failures..’’She isn’t trying hard enough to get better..’’There must be another option..’’The people there aren’t right in the head either.. you remember that article.’ They thought I was sleeping. I wished I was.. I didn’t want wake up.
“Part of me despised that I left my room this morning. Less money out of my parent’s pockets.. less of an excuse to give them for disliking me.. maybe I came out of spite, but I regret it. I’m seated in the very back row of the plane in the window seat. It’s a nice view from what I can see past the turbines.
“I wonder if the fall from here would be just as nice. To feel the wind burning my face, watching the small world below grow larger, and larger until I can see the blades of grass for that split second. Maybe I wouldn’t be able to see it with that much air tearing past my face. Maybe I would close my eyes and fall asleep before I hit the ground. Maybe I would get caught in the path of a plane and never make it to ground.
“Could my soul fly if I died in the sky?"
~~O~~
“The plane finally landed at Harper Rock International. I don’t remember much of the ride but I was certain there were more people boarded on the plane than what number exited into the terminal. I could count each body on both hands.. but the chattering was suffocating during the flight. I don’t remember.. Maybe there was a stop I slept through.“Maybe I imagined it all..
~~O~~
“The airport is so quiet..“Why?"