Love makes a man vulnerable. It turns him inside out and exposes the soft flesh of his underbelly to the elements. And the one to whom he had given his love is the sole wielder of the knife that could ruin him. Only they had the power to slash and gash at all those vital organs, now on the outside. But that’s the thing about love. It’s a package deal. It is gifted alongside trust and faith. One does not expect the sharp edge of a gift they had freely given to be used so ruthlessly against them.
The shadow that found itself embedded in Clover’s gut was retaliatory. It was an unavoidable, uncontrollable defence mechanism against the blows that she had already landed, the deep gouges invisible to the naked eye. But love was not so easily lost and the shock in her eyes -- eyes that Jesse knew so well -- was enough to summon regret. Shame. He loved her. He never wanted to hurt her. He never intended to maim her and killing her had never crossed his mind. His head shook, lips parted though he could say nothing. Surely if he knew her eyes better than he knew his own, if he could read every curve of her face like a book, then she could do the same. Even there in the darkness with the shadows playing games around them, she would read it in his eyes, in the crease between them and the downward curl of his lips.
I didn’t mean to, his eyes said. But you did. And how could you?
He wanted to refuse to believe that she had slept with another man but she had lied. She had lied. The realisation repeated itself over and over in his mind like a jungle drum. He was foolish to believe that her compulsive behaviour would curb just for him. It registered deep down that maybe he was overreacting, but the notion was rebutted by the facts. Somewhere deep down he knew it wasn’t so much the proximity or the intimacy that he was reacting to, it was the lie. It was one lie too many.
Trigg was only remembered when he spoke, blase and careless of the situation, his greeting sarcastic. How could it not be sarcastic? He didn’t defend himself, didn’t **** himself with fear. Just stood there like an arrogant twit who couldn’t see how his actions could be construed as wrong. If Jesse had touched another woman like Trigg had touched Clover, that woman’s skin would have been flayed from her bones. If any woman thought of touching Jesse that way, how would Clover react? She thought her jealousy was confined only to her, but she was wrong. Jesse felt it too. In spades.
She’d once asked for his support and he’d tried to give it to her. He’d talked himself around. He could, and he would support her.
It was why, now, he did nothing. He shouldn’t have hurt Clover, that was wrong. He took a step back. The shadows stepped back with him, folding themselves neatly back into neutrality. Another step back and the light left his eyes. The anger, the hurt, the rage, the incredulity -- it was pushed down and locked away until his eyes were hollow and his expression empty. He had no tongue, but there was nothing to say, anyway. He shook his head, just the once, and turned around. He walked away. He didn’t want to meet Trigg, he already had. He didn’t want to hear the explanation, or the excuses.
Trigg had said that Jesse should hate him, and he was right. Jesse hated Trigg.
But he didn’t hate Clover. He loved Clover. He couldn’t hate her. And that’s what hurt most of all.
The shadow that found itself embedded in Clover’s gut was retaliatory. It was an unavoidable, uncontrollable defence mechanism against the blows that she had already landed, the deep gouges invisible to the naked eye. But love was not so easily lost and the shock in her eyes -- eyes that Jesse knew so well -- was enough to summon regret. Shame. He loved her. He never wanted to hurt her. He never intended to maim her and killing her had never crossed his mind. His head shook, lips parted though he could say nothing. Surely if he knew her eyes better than he knew his own, if he could read every curve of her face like a book, then she could do the same. Even there in the darkness with the shadows playing games around them, she would read it in his eyes, in the crease between them and the downward curl of his lips.
I didn’t mean to, his eyes said. But you did. And how could you?
He wanted to refuse to believe that she had slept with another man but she had lied. She had lied. The realisation repeated itself over and over in his mind like a jungle drum. He was foolish to believe that her compulsive behaviour would curb just for him. It registered deep down that maybe he was overreacting, but the notion was rebutted by the facts. Somewhere deep down he knew it wasn’t so much the proximity or the intimacy that he was reacting to, it was the lie. It was one lie too many.
Trigg was only remembered when he spoke, blase and careless of the situation, his greeting sarcastic. How could it not be sarcastic? He didn’t defend himself, didn’t **** himself with fear. Just stood there like an arrogant twit who couldn’t see how his actions could be construed as wrong. If Jesse had touched another woman like Trigg had touched Clover, that woman’s skin would have been flayed from her bones. If any woman thought of touching Jesse that way, how would Clover react? She thought her jealousy was confined only to her, but she was wrong. Jesse felt it too. In spades.
She’d once asked for his support and he’d tried to give it to her. He’d talked himself around. He could, and he would support her.
It was why, now, he did nothing. He shouldn’t have hurt Clover, that was wrong. He took a step back. The shadows stepped back with him, folding themselves neatly back into neutrality. Another step back and the light left his eyes. The anger, the hurt, the rage, the incredulity -- it was pushed down and locked away until his eyes were hollow and his expression empty. He had no tongue, but there was nothing to say, anyway. He shook his head, just the once, and turned around. He walked away. He didn’t want to meet Trigg, he already had. He didn’t want to hear the explanation, or the excuses.
Trigg had said that Jesse should hate him, and he was right. Jesse hated Trigg.
But he didn’t hate Clover. He loved Clover. He couldn’t hate her. And that’s what hurt most of all.