Journal Date 12/22/17

[Varo Ricci (DELETED 9075)]

I'm honestly not holding out much hope for ever being human again, nor for being able to truly reap vengeance on those who have wronged me. I've died time and again by now and honestly I've almost wondered if I should simply not bother coming back. But I must, not out of any sense of duty. But because if ever there is any chance of being made human I will give all I have to get to it. I would turn mountains to dust for such a thing if I could. Poor my heart and soul into it even in the literal sense if I had to.

I want to taste food, I want to look at the sun without being burned, too come out of the shadows and live at least a somewhat normal life. The life of a human. There is nothing that could ever make me more happy I think. No amount of power I could obtain as a vampire can truly draw me away from that desire.

I want to be like all those people walking around in the sun. This vampirism is a curse that must be extinguished, I want to destroy it in me and any who try to stop me from getting rid of it. If that means killing then so be it. If it means making deals with fae or even murderers I'll do it. Just for the chance to be human again.

Even if it means I have to use only a normal job to get money, I'm willing to do that. I may be a thief now but who would hire somebody who'd simply forget their face every month? I can't have friends because I'd merely forget they existed in a month, even if I write them down in this notebook who knows if I'll trust myself? I would hope I would but still.

This notebook is my memories and it carries with it my emotions it seems. But at the same time, it is merely that, a notebook. If I were to lose it I'd probably end up just picking up another and starting the cycle over again with no idea of what had happened.


Oh I hate this void! An eternity of this is true torment to think about! Knowing I have to do this every month and yet knowing I'll forget doing it the month before. It terrifies me and drives me mad that anyone would want to remain a vampire and even worse that they'd try to stop people from becoming human again!

I suppose I may be rambling to myself, that this will never effect anyone or anything but me. But I don't care! The aching I feel is worse then anything else. What I'd do to get rid of it. Ah well I'm wasting ink and paper now I suppose.