Unsteady

[Ainsley (DELETED 8973)]

Backdated

December 3, 2016

They say nothing is my fault. It's not anyone's fault. These things just...happen.

It still doesn't make any sense to me though.
Misplacing your car keys, happens.
Having expired yogurt or milk in your fridge, just happens.
Forgetting to change the laundry over before it smells weird from sitting too long, happens.

Losing a baby, to me, just doesn't 'happen.'

[Ainsley (DELETED 8973)]

December 11, 2016

I keep trying to remind myself what they've said. That it's not my fault. I do. I can't help but think of these scenarios that might have been able to change everything, Gabriel. What if I would have worked less? Part time? Money would have been a little tight, sure, but maybe you would still be here. Or what if I didn't skip out on prenatals a couple of times a week because I was in a hurry to get to work, or I didn't want to deal with feeling like crap most the morning from taking the horse sized pill (an overstatement, I know). Maybe I shouldn't have carried so many boxes while I was pregnant? None of them were overly heavy, no more than twenty pounds, but still...I can't help but think of the same question over and over again.

How did this happen?

[Ainsley (DELETED 8973)]

December 17, 2016

It's different living with Bohan, than ever before. Sure, we've spent a night or two at each other's places from time to time, but this hasn't been a night or two. It's been weeks. He doesn't mind. I know he doesn't. He would have suggested it anyways, but I'm pretty sure the hospital said something to him. Made the suggestion. The nurse talked to him for about ten minutes before I was discharged.

I wouldn't do anything. It goes against all my beliefs. And I'd never do that to Bohan or Meg. But, some days I forget to eat, until Bohan asks me if I'm hungry. Then I am. It's like I don't even think about food when I'm laying on his couch, watching something just to hear noise.

I started going back to work. Just one day a week. Most the time I say I'm going to work just to go back to my apartment. To your room. Some days I can go in for a while. Other days, I get to the doorway and have to turn back around. Most days I avoid it. There's this uneasy feeling that comes over me as soon as I think about walking that way. Think of packing up some of your things. Not to get rid of them. I'd never do that. I'm just...trying to move on.

It's so much harder than I've ever given anyone credit for. How do others do it?