I have been gone a little over a month. Let me rephrase, we have been gone a little over a month. I cannot say I have missed much about the city. From what I can tell, not much has changed, but what can be different than the year of last, and the year before that?
Did I return out of obligation? Sometimes, I believe so. Sometimes, I think not. There are some I miss, and some I will reach out to, but some, I shall not and do not miss. Have not missed. It is not due to anger, malice or anything negative. In fact, it is quite the opposite. It is not my place to meddle in the affairs of others anymore. I am proud of those who wish to take a stand and make their own claim on this realm. They should be proud, for I am.
What will I do now, you ask? I found some interesting things in the Americas that I may adapt and share with the french and Canadian cultures, but nothing in regards to the Crow and her glory. I am afraid to go too much further, for what if she is still close by? Watching? Waiting? Hopeful? Then again, what if she has left and brought with her some of us who have gone silent for some time now? To start anew? Anything that seemed impossible, no longer is.
Why are you taking me through troubled waters, I asked? Because your enemies cannot swim, he replied.
Secrecy has fallen. Again. How has this happened so quickly? I saw many of centuries pass prior to the holocaust and am ashamed to admit that once again, we have failed. It has been but only one handful of years and the kine know. They know we walk among them. They know some of us have caused hardships on their lives, brought Harper Rock under the scrutiny of the world...how did this happen so quickly? I have my ideas and suspicions, but one cannot lay the blame on everyone but themselves.
I have not been without blame. I should have sired less, and they in return sired less. We grew too quick. We are a greedy species, and have learned nothing. While it is true, I sire but one or two a year at the very most...I was still too greedy. I had never sired until my return and I did so out of fear. Driven by fear, which nothing good comes from fear. I have read of men, powerful men who did terrible, terrible things based off of the appearance of others. The religion of others. All things done out of fear and the unknown. We are not a superior species. Far from it.
I look to Shamus for support and guidance, but once again, the shadows have called to him. He never could resist the haunting melody of their darkened call. I turn to others for their insight, for the only options I feel available to us are to remain as we are and pray no one pays those who remain much mind. Or to once again leave. Everyone seems to desire to remain within the city, and so I too shall remain and face what comes knocking on our door. Hopefully when he returns there is something for him to return to. It is out of my hands now.
Why are you taking me through troubled waters, I asked? Because your enemies cannot swim, he replied.
How many months has it been? I try and reach for memories, but fail to find any. What is eternity if memories are failing to be made? If there are none to reflect upon as the time passes for us? Time changes things, but has it changed too much for us? I believe two, three and even four years ago, I would have felt great disappoint with the things currently going on in my life. Lately, this last year, I feel naught a thing. I feel unaffected by that in which has happened on multiple fronts; be it between us, or between others and myself. Once upon a time, I would have felt great despair, perhaps even disdain or emotional hurt from those who have used me, but I believe I have become so accustomed to being contacted time and time again, used for that in which I could offer, and then forgotten about. When you vanished once, and then vanished twice, I believe you, and those who come and go time and time again have gifted me with a shell. A shell of numbness, I suppose. I have pondered selling all my properties and moving from the city indefinitely. The time is not yet correct, but I believe it will be sooner than later. While I cannot undo the past; from my choices and actions, I hope the time comes in which I can start fresh and make wiser choices and actions, once the time arises in a new location.
Why are you taking me through troubled waters, I asked? Because your enemies cannot swim, he replied.
I have decided to take a journey of sorts. The dates has not yet been determined, but it will be a solitary voyage. I am thinking somewhere in China, or somewhere in India. Some place different to seek the answers I am searching for. A trip of self-reflection. An excursion of enlightenment, so to speak.
I believe going now will bring ill feelings from Cozi; and may also be problematic to others in the family. I do not wish to miss what is upon us currently. The city could crumble in but a night now that the truth about our species is out there. Or perhaps, this is the time in which vampires will rise above the flames, like that of a phoenix and be able to become stronger, smarter and able and willing to live among the kine.
I do not know if i could live with myself should something happen to anyone I have presented with this gift of eternity. Or, should a dark fate fall upon thee. I will give it time, but not much time. I believe it unfair to keep someone emotionally captive for as long as I have been.
Why are you taking me through troubled waters, I asked? Because your enemies cannot swim, he replied.
I love thee, but if I am painfully honest, I have not liked thee in a long while. I plan on taking a leave for a while, perhaps throughout the holidays and the upcoming new year. I doubt anything within the city will change, but if there is change, I will deal with it when and if I return. Should you be here before I return, perhaps you will feel as I have these last few years. And you will be here waiting, wondering, as I have all this time. Will she come back? Is she alive? Am I enough?
I do not wish you to feel the things I have felt or gone through the things I have out of malice, but perhaps when you live in the shoes I have for over two years now, you will understand and think twice about disappearing on your trips of 'fancy'. So like I, it is your turn to wait. And wait you must.
Why are you taking me through troubled waters, I asked? Because your enemies cannot swim, he replied.
I returned from my trip abroad a few evenings ago. I saw Alexandrea in the gardens, which was enjoyable, as well as Ramsey. I have such difficulty in knowing what to say to the woman. I fear that as advanced as I have become, she is in a league all of her own. One that I will never be able to match, or aspire to. I emailed Cosi, he seems to be in good spirits and is siring away. I am most proud of him-of all of them, whether they sire or not.
Myk never found me like he promised, but it is what it is. I was only gone a little while and perhaps he tried to find me and just couldn't, before I was gone. I wonder how he feels at times, if he believes Temperance will ever come back. I wish it to be so, but even I have my doubts. I saw her one evening, months ago in the gardens and shouted at her in great joy, but she never spoke. She just vanished as if she were not there. The same with Mr. Cliff.
I am in much greater spirits since my return. Perhaps it has to do with the holiday season that is upon us. I also ran into Tate the other eve in the caverns, but I think perhaps it was a decoy. I know not. She is as quiet as a church mouse, which I imagine is quieter than that of a regular mouse. I have even seen Jacob and Cagey from time to time, but they are almost always in the caverns and with the other. It is so good to see that they have withstood some tests of times. I think I shall go build a snowman right outside the tower. It has been ages since I enjoyed the holiday season-any, to be frank. Time to rectify that.
Why are you taking me through troubled waters, I asked? Because your enemies cannot swim, he replied.
There was a soiree held by a young man I knew of a few evenings ago. His name is Mister Lincoln King and I actually managed to not only meet him, but speak with him as well. He held an event earlier in the year when the Masquerade fell. I knew not his name then, but I know it now. It seems as if he is genuinely interested in kindred and kine living side by side, but I fear that such a thing is not possible. Could a lion live in harmony with a zebra?
Regardless, the eve was...interesting. I had the pleasure of bumping into 'Doc,' and somehow I found myself in a drinking contest with the male, and not only did I 'bump' into him, I must profess to hurling on his ugly sweater. He is right though, I had never done something so...horrific. This reminds me to send Mister King a basket or something for making a scene at his event. But, it did not end so terribly, contrary to the popular belief. It was nice to engage in a conversation of some substance after such a long time.
Christmas has passed. Another without thee. I never celebrated such a thing, I believe after I was made into a vampire. I have not celebrated it much in the past two years. Soon, it will be three years. I still dream of thee, but it no longer brings me the profound sadness and distress it once had.
Elise's therapist says that for every negative, I should find a positive in the situation. Elise recommended her the first time I traveled to the states. I laughed her off, but after my second trip without her and anyone else, she suggested it again. I have seen her thrice since my first appointment. I have thought of my 'positive' finally. Your continual absence has reminded me that I can be strong without thee and that I need to. I have lived without thee, and I can do it again.
Why are you taking me through troubled waters, I asked? Because your enemies cannot swim, he replied.
Another year has come and past. I feel as if the time moves faster in this time, than it had when I was alive and a young vampire. One evening blends into two, three, and even four. Soon a fortnight has gone by and I find myself wondering where the time has gone. At this rate, another five hundred years shall pass in a blink of an eye.
I have decided to have a soiree of my own. The few that I have attended have seemed to be successful and so, I propose one in which I host would go half as well. Alexandrea says she will attend, I hope Tate will, and I personally invited Cosimo, but have not heard a reply back. I suspect he is busy as always. He spoke of siring some new childre in an email to me before Christmas, so I suspect he is being the sire that I was not. Failed to be for him when I sired him. I suspect things will always be...tense between us, or falsely pleasant out of kindness. Still, I shall try, if he allows such a thing.
I also invited Doc, though I did ask if I could use his establishment that he showed me the night of Lincoln's party. I thoroughly enjoy his company, and so I did not invite him entirely out of obligation for using his property. I think we could be good friends.
I was in the chemical plant in the Newborough district, reloading my gun when a familiar face walked by. He complimented my hair, which made me laugh. Elise had done something different with it, but it was caked with a lot of ash. I am, as always, untrusting of the this vampiric group presence in our city. Perhaps, he is a man that enjoys mass bloodshed? What an amusing thought.
Why are you taking me through troubled waters, I asked? Because your enemies cannot swim, he replied.
I finally had Elise send Mister King a belated apology gift. I could not think of what to send one, when apologizing for such an act. What does one send in the form of an apology for vomiting at their event? I still have my doubts on the gift, but it was very...human to say in the least. Perhaps that was the real reason I struggled with what to send in the form of an apology. I am not accustomed to thinking of such matters, or putting myself in such a position.
Alexandrea has confirmed that she will be attending the event the eve before Valentine's day. I have not heard from Myk about such a thing, I am rather disappointed. I thought perhaps he would like such an event, he is very spirited and always the life of any event or get together. I believe Tate will be as well, and so will Cosimo. This brings me great happiness for reasons, I am not clear of. Perhaps, it is because, while I am very proud of who he has become, part of me is saddened for missing the moment in which he took the steps to stand upon his own two feet. I try not to dwell upon such a thing, and find it hard to, for he surprised me with a visit to the gardens this evening. When I saw how happy Cosimo is, how he was in such good spirits, I am once again happy and pleased for him. It is pleasing to know that even if I have let him down in my absence, that he has done well and beaten the odds of failure-like so many of our kind.
I must confess to being slightly devious, but, fair is fair. Last evening, I invited Doc to come ice skating with me. He did fairly well, all things considered. Being, he has never skated before. However, we both took a tumble when he lost his balance and I had broken my arm. I was not mad, or bothered by such a thing, but he was a wicked little thing when he told some observers that I was in a fragile state of mind. And alluded to me perhaps, not being of sound mind. And so, I sent him a lovely little piece that Elise assures me is one of the most annoying songs in the world. I do wonder just how good his I.T. guy is.
Why are you taking me through troubled waters, I asked? Because your enemies cannot swim, he replied.
