Jesse texted me the other night. Out of the blue. I'm sure it was out of obligation more than anything, but it's whatever. We got into some sort of philosophical discussion, actually, a couple. We have differing opinions on the current state of things, and I doubt that will ever change. He's on one side of the spectrum, and I'm on the other. Just how it is.
He helped me clean up a place that used to be called Sugar Daddy's. I cringe to think of what might have gone down in that place at one point. Hopefully, when the decorator is all done, it won't look anything remotely close to what it once was. I'm sure it won't.
I don't know what I'll do if things get bad. Really, really bad. I don't have the answers now, and I suspect I won't have them when the time comes either. If it comes to that. But I'm sure I'll be fine. I've never done anything to humans. Never had the urge to hurt them, drink from them...I'm just a regular guy who happens to be a vampire.
I wonder if everyone got the message or if it was just me. And what that means in either case. I'm not going to spend too much time thinking about it. I've a place to finish getting together while staying out and under the radar of any pissed off humans. That's what's important to me right now more than anything. Getting this place up and running for the potentially troubling times ahead and staying alive for Dhara and others that count on me.
It's completed. And it looks great. I'm very happy with how it turned out. The designer is brilliant. I finally feel like I've got something to believe in again. Something to get behind and back.I'm just waiting on one more thing and then it will be open to those who need it most.
I keep waiting for world war V to start; the war of humans vs vampires, but it seems like most people have come to accept us. Accept that things in Harper Rock weren't always natural. That there were things that went on that were unexplained.
During my time of cleaning and getting the business ready, I've given some thought on some other things. Some things can't and won't change. Sometimes people are just too different. It doesn't mean we can't be respectable to those different than us, but it doesn't mean we have to go out of our way either to be put in situations that might be considered uncomfortable.
You've been busy. A lot busier than you used to be. I've seen you only one time in over a month. I didn't even know you were doing all this stuff. Why didn't you tell me? I've been staying at Jesse's because I don't like being in our apartment alone.
I don't mind you doing all these things. I think it's good for you. Every one should do what they love, pursue their passion. But then I wonder, does that mean you don't love me any more? We would have done all these things together, not to long ago. Now the only way I know any thing is because I snooped around and found your journal. And I'm writing in it again. I'm sorry and at the same time I'm not. I miss you, and if this is the only way I can know what's going on so be it.
We should plan a date night. Just for the two of us. Do you want to do that? I do. Just let me know.
Would we have done these things together? I wonder sometimes. My road isn't the Fforde road traveled, and that probably causes tension for you. I'm sorry for that, but I'm not like them. I don't fit. I'm grateful Jesse didn't leave me out to drain that night, but I'm positive I'll never be a legitimate Fforde. I just don't believe in some of the same things, or want to fight the same battles over and over again.
I'm not really sure what to say about everything you've written. I'm just a text or email away. Yet my email is only full of Retrokade things and my phone stays as silent as it always is. I'm not putting the blame on you, it's as much my fault as it is yours that we've not connected.
You don't like being alone, I get it. No one does. But why is it you're always running to Jesse's when you don't want to be alone? Each time, you're always there. My love for you hasn't changed just because I've found another passion, but has your love for me changed?
You need a date night, but am I the one you want to spend the night with, Dhara? You don't owe me anything, most of all your love just because I sired you.
I'm not really sure how to respond to what you've said. But I'll try my best.
First of all, I know I don't owe you any thing. You've made that clear many many times. But the fact you still think I feel obligated to love you is... well it bothers me. A lot.
Yes I go to Jesse's when I don't want to be alone, and that's because I don't like sitting in our apartment staring at empty walls. That doesn't mean I agree with every ideal and go along with the herd. There are people there. I watch them come and go. Same as I do at the Uni or the Mausoleum. The fact that you and Jesse and every one else don't get along doesn't create tension for me. Not that I've noticed any ways.
I like to think we'd have done these things together, but clearly your opinion differs. As for date night, I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want to spend it with you. But clearly, you don't seem to feel the same. It almost seems like you think I've got my eye on some one else and you couldn't be more wrong. We're married, Rhett. I don't stay out of obligation, I stay because I love you.
I'm not going to bother to reply or think about what was written from either of us a few months ago. It's in the past, but our future seems no better or worse after things were said. I don't know what that means exactly, but I have faith. In a sense.
I found out about a charity auction for under privileged kids and teens. It's tomorrow night. I didn't ask you because you've got three jobs. I'm not sure why you need so many of them, but it seems to be what you enjoy. What makes you happy. Staying busy. I get that. I worked a lot too when I was human. Now I'm confined from it due to the daylight hours.
I've not been able to secure a location for the kids to go when the sun is set. It bothers me. I'm thinking of expanding or adding a floor to Retrokade. I'm hoping something falls in my lap soon, but I know things don't typically work like that. But building things takes months, and some kids might not have months. Not with the winter approaching.
I don't know if you really read this thing anymore. I wouldn't blame you if you didn't. I almost thought of throwing this thing out and starting a new one. I still might.
