○ Stripped ○

[River]

12 December 2015

The change is different.

I feel as if my skin has been peeled away, leaving my insides bare to the world. A world that still doesn't see me. How do I fit in when I am invisible? It is a disease, a curse, and I no longer welcome it. I feel as if I could rip my chest open, spill my blood onto the floor and offer my beating heart to someone - and they would look through me. I cannot make people see me. I cannot make people notice me. My heart would lay in my hand, beating, begging to be held, and they would walk past me. I used to be able to accept this. I could handle it, the invisibility, but as of late...

As of late, the silence is drowning me.

My skin crawls, my breathing becomes erratic. There are a thousand different bugs crawling in my veins, and I need some sort of outlet. My art has fallen to the wayside. All I have is a blank canvas, one that has been sitting in the center of my studio since the night I met him. It is as if he took more than my life from me. He took my will, my desire, my muse. I am changing, and there is a hunger in me that I cannot explain. I cannot satisfy. My gums ache and I feel as if I am caged. I am a caged animal and I am not on display.

I am locked in the solitude of my own mind.
And I want to scream.

[River]

16 January 2016

I can't breathe.

I am suffocating in my own skin. The hunger has taken control, and I have found myself lusting for something that is unattainable. The beast within is screaming for release, its claws tearing through my stomach as it struggles for freedom. I open my mouth to scream, only to have nothing come out. Even if it had, I would have been screaming in silence. No one would have heard me, no one would have cared. They look through me as I fight the urge to peel my skin from my bones.

I cannot continue to live in this hell. Nothing is satisfying my hunger. The women have begun to blur together, their pleas becoming the lullaby to which I fall asleep. I cannot control when it happens, I can only hope that it will ease the ache. It never does.

I am losing my grip on sanity.
Can anyone save me?

[River]

17 January 2016

Something happened to me today.

I can't begin to find the words to do the sensation justice. It was as if a wire had been pulled taught in my chest. One wrong move, and I could have shattered into a thousand pieces. There was no reason for this strange emotion. I was in the sewers, my bloodied hands pulling a charm from a hunter, and it just... happened. Is this another side effect to my change? Have I yet to reach the end of this suffering? It only lasted a few seconds, but it left me feeling empty for the rest of the night. No amount of blood would fill the void. No one seemed to notice, either, as I stumbled in my confused state through the passage ways. I was alone in the darkness, despite being the center of well known hunting ground. As they passed me by, I wondered if I were to scream - would they hear me? Would they offer me aid if I asked? I am not certain they would even chance me a glance.

The darkness is taking over my mind, and I am being left with more questions than answers.

Something is changing within me.
I'm afraid.

[River]

June 26, 2016

I am crazed.

That's the only word that can sum up what's in my mind, my body. Even then, it fails to do it justice. My skin is on fire, my heart aches and my mind is a twisted net of vines and cobwebs. Time is irrelevant. I no longer know when the sun is awake or the moon has risen. I am locked inside of a cage of my own creation. Does anyone hear me scream? I search for him - I call for him - my Obsession, the only face I remember - but he never answers. He never comes. In my moments of lucidity, I have to assume that I never made a sound less I've only proven to be unworthy.

Unwanted.

It wouldn't be so far-fetched, would it? Skylar abandoned us, abandoned all hope. She faded away into nothing, into the nothing that I feel, into the darkness, away from us. Away from him. I followed - but I didn't find her. I didn't search, but I never ran into her. I -- I can't remember where I was going. My words are failing me. This hunger is unlike anything I have ever known. My throat burns like I swallowed a lit match. My skin tingles and tightens around my bones, my hands shake like I'm an addict in need of a stronger fix. I'm losing my mind. I'm screaming - but I'm alone.

Then I see her.

She's like a ray of light in this darkness. She smiles and my heart is ripped from my chest. She is so beautiful that it hurts. It physically pains me to look at her - and I hate her. I hate her for everything that she is. I hate her for everything that I'm not. I follow her, I despise her, I crave her. I've come close to touching her, close enough to smell the scent of vodka and cherries that linger on her breath - and I pull away. The fear in her eyes is delicious, but it's the beating of her heart that keeps me in line. I have no idea what I will do when I get my hands on her.

All I know is that I have to have her.