Shadis's Journal

[Shadis (DELETED 7818)]

4th of March, 2016

Sleep. It's all that I can think of. Ever since being turned, I never thought that I would feel as weak as I do right now. Every night I sleep, but I never wake feeling refreshed or even stronger. I wake feeling weak, tired and angry. I bury under my concern for Elliot as he seems like he cannot control his drunkenness. I still feel as if he should just ditch Pi and move on. If she wanted to keep their relationship strong, she wouldn't favour her thrall over Elliot. Poor Elliot. Now I'm just getting off track with Elliot's problems, which is much easier than my own.

I don't know how to change my sleep. I have tried to sleep on top of the bed with no blankets, on the floor, underneath the bed and even in the actual bed. However, nothing seems to work. I just wake every night feeling weak and lately a little bit angry. Why can't I sleep for once and not feel like crap when I do get up? I would stay awake, but as the sun rises, I feel tired, extremely so and so my weak body just goes to sleep. It's hard to resist when you feel weak all the time.

It's frustrating, I want to tell Elliot, but I don't want to bug him with it. I don't want to make him worry about myself when he already has so much on his mind.

What do I do?

[Shadis (DELETED 7818)]

28th of May, 2016

Another night has begun, one that has me waking up beside a man who has given me no reason to doubt his word. Yet, I wonder when I might find that I will spend the night alone because he might prefer the company of another woman. One who he calls Dominique. I often wonder if I would suddenly run into her at the crypt and so I try to keep my distance. However, before sunrise, I find myself being drawn back to the crypt, only to find myself curling up beside Trahir once more. Why? I wonder. Why does this man have such a hold on me? Why can I not simply walk away even though I realize that he will move on once his fascination with me wanes? When will that be? A day from now? A month? A year? Perhaps maybe after five or even a decade? If I grow too attached to this man, I fear the worst for my sanity.

Every day, it seems as if Trahir’s very presence, taints my every thought as even stabbing a man would seem like a normal thing for a vampire to do. Even the death of a man seems like a very normal thing to do now, but I know that I just couldn’t do it myself. Even if I wanted to do it on purpose. The question is though, could I kill a man if my life or the life of someone that I cared about, was in jeopardy? I don’t know. The thing is, is that when I see a human, I see their mortal coil that is wound tightly around their humanity. As I stare at them, all that I can think of, is that, if I kill them, they won’t be able to return from the void of nothingness. Death is a fear of my own, but because of my immortal coil, if I die in Harper Rock, I will be able to come back. However, if I die, will I be able to find my way back to the living like other vampires manage to do? Or will I get lost in the pit of darkness?

I shiver at the thought, because if I do manage to come back, will I be a mess? One who has been shattered by the passing of dark times or would I leave my humanity back in death’s pit; only to return to find that the darkness that has slowly been creeping in, has taken over completely? It is a thought that plagues my waking nights as death scatters through the shadows ever present within my own mind. I often wonder as to when I will meet an end. Trahir’s hands are so rough and his appetite is almost insatiable. With each of our dalliances, I know that he is strong enough to kill me if he so chose to. If he saw fit. I also know that one day, he could accidentally kill me, but Trahir doesn’t seem like the type to do anything by accident.

Indeed, death has a strong fearful grip upon me, as what I saw upon my turning made me cringe with the fear of total darkness that is endless. I guess that is why I made Elena my thrall, even though the event was a total accident on my behalf. The human had seen me feeding. Elliot had warned me to be careful, to make sure that I wasn’t seen feeding upon another, but I was seen. The one that I had fed from was Elena’s friend. Was, because I told her to lose their number, to never speak to them again. Anyway, she had basically decided to try and fight me off, but I was stronger and she moved to scream. I didn’t want to kill her, no, I couldn’t. So I had simply placed my hand over her mouth and stared into her eyes. Imagining that I had forced my way into her mind, that what I would tell her would make her obey me.

The whole event was strange, almost as if my will not to kill her, had crushed her own and as I had removed my hand, she had basically said, ‘Yes, mistress.’ I didn’t want to kill a mortal, a mortal that would have unveiled our very existence. So, I had forced my way into her mind, crushing her will and essentially placing it with my own. All of that, just so I wouldn’t have to kill her. If I did kill someone eventually, would it crush me? Would the death that would be on my hands, darken my very soul? Destroy it even? I guess, the only way to find out, is to one day gather up the courage to find out.

[Shadis (DELETED 7818)]

30th of December 2017

+ Scarlet Ammannia
+ Diamond Tooth
+ Ritual Knife
+ Ledger
+ Political Agenda
+ A bunch of roses

I feel like there may be something that I'm forgetting but I cannot for the life of me remember as to what that is. I'll have to talk with Elena about it. Perhaps she may know what it is that I am forgetting. She has been rather useful ever since I have been focusing on simply being. I have not seen Lancaster in so long that I fear that he has been killed. Then there is Trahir. He is gone. I have not seen him in so long, that I also fear that in all of this mess, that he too has been killed off. It wouldn't surprise me in the slightest. The way he slaughtered humans, quite possibly had paladins prioritising his death. If they have been killed, bodies are not likely to show up, at least not from my understanding of vampiric deaths.

The one that I do worry about dearly is my sire, Lancaster. He hasn't been seen in his bar and he did travel down a dark path. There wasn't anything that I myself could do, because even I haven't gotten over the fact that my own mother is dead. She has been dead for so long and with those who are dear to me missing, I feel as if things are not going so well. Not going well for vampires at all.

A limelight has been shone upon our race and humans fear us because they do not know us very well, they fear what they do not understand and I cannot blame them. Some of us are predisposed to go clinically insane and some are simply serial killers. Serial killers that have probably been the cause for most of the missing persons reports in the human community. Countless of bodies have probably been found, either burnt to a crisp or torn to pieces which were probably blamed by the wild animals.

This chaos needs to be stopped, it needs to be tamed and an understanding that doesn't involve bloodshed on either side, must be reached. Politics needs to be involved.