If That's What You Want [Jesse/Raven]

[Clover]

If That’s What You Want
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OOC: Backdated to May 6th

<Clover> After her trip to the shadow realm, Clover wanted nothing more than to spend the next week curled up in bed, her limbs entangled with Jesse’s and her cellphone on the bedside table. Sex. That had been the promise. They’d have endless adventures, taking their peepshows to new heights. And yet Clo had other things to do. She had to speak up on the forum and hint around at what had happened and what hadn’t happened. She had to reach out to Raven. The list of things she had to do grew. First the forum, and then the emails. Finally, she decided to reach out to Raven.

Clo didn’t need the blanket hanging off of her shoulders like a cape, but she wanted that piece of the bed to go along with her as she moved from the apartment to the main room. Clad in her leggings and an oversized sweatshirt, she sunk down onto one of the couches and hunched over her phone. She read the replies to her emails, one from Renee, one from Kenlie, and one from Niklaus, and then she opened a blank text message for her childe. What was she supposed to say? Raven had seemed like she’d kept in touch with Doc, the man responsible for the deaths of two family members, and she’d seemed pretty forward about not causing more trouble. Clo sent a quick text and then wrapped the blanket around herself as if she were trying to shielding herself from the world. "Here goes nothing," she mumbled to herself.


<Jesse Fforde> Jesse knew what he would be accused of. It wasn’t that hard to put the pieces together; to assume. They were things he’d been accused of with Grey, and he supposed it was always going to be the trouble with dating one of your own progeny. They would all think that he had a preference, and maybe sometimes he did. But Clover had done more for him than the rest of them put together; where they hadn’t been there, she’d been the one to clean up his vomit and continuously pull him away from the edge of a cliff. It was merely circumstance, however. Where sometimes there was preference, at others there was none. What they mostly failed to comprehend was that Jesse would have done what he had done for any of them. He’d thrown himself in front of bullets for his progeny before; for anyone descended from him. Bloodline, he told himself. He had to start getting used to the word.

After they’d come back, Jesse had spent the time replying to the messages he had on his phone; meeting with Teegan, one of Axel’s progeny, whom he had probably only met once before in order to hand over a tome. Even with Kaelyn – short and sweet, but telling himself to just breathe, to be calm. To let nothing get to him. Cool as a cucumber. He would become his own anger management guru. He knew he had to contact Victor, and he wanted to talk to Renee and Kenlie, too. But all in good time. Dressed in his usual track pants, bare feet, and tank top, he followed Clover out to the main space; he settled on the couch near her, comfortable in its corner, sprawled in such a way that his feet landed on her lap. There were pieces that they both had to sweep together, somehow, to create a broken whole. And this was only the beginning.


<Raven Talius> The woman yawned as she tomed back to Limbo. She hadn't been here since her and Clover had painted the floor red with blood. That had been well and truly before Clover and Jesse had been sent to the Shadow Realm and she had gone hunting every night, burying her thoughts and pain in an endless supply of blood and physical pain. Hell, the woman had even gone to lengths such as killing cops and ending up at Voodoo, bullet ridden. Her latest wound was one to the gut, a hunter had taken it upon himself to shoot her and she was beginning to find them quite a problem. Putting all of that aside,the only reason that the fledgling was returning back to Limbo, was simply because Clover had texted her asking her to.

So as she entered the area, she quietly slipped her phone into the pocket of the new jacket that she had been forced to buy because the other one had a bullet hole in it and stared. Clover was wrapped up in a blanket and it made her think that something was wrong, that the Shadow Realm had broken her sire and a soft growl rose from her lips. If the Shadow Realm was an entity, she would beat the living **** out of it if she could. "Clover, what's going on?"


<Clover> Her first step had been acceptance. She’d died. There was nothing easier than accepting the fact that she’d died. Her second step had been forgiveness. Clover had to let go of any feelings she had toward Doc and Kaelyn. The second step required a lot more effort, and she stumbled. At times, Clo felt as if she’d fallen flat on her face. But she’d succeeded in removing the negative feelings attached to those names and faces. It was in the past, and that’s exactly where they belonged. Coming out of the realm left her feeling like someone new, a shiny new person in a shiny new body. And given the opportunity to wrap herself in a fabric cocoon, she took it. No doubt her state and her position made her childe think something was up, something like an intervention. Clover could only assume.

Resting a hand atop Jesse’s legs, she just shrugged her shoulders. “I’m reaching out to people right now. I mended ties with Jersey,” she spoke, glancing in Jesse’s direction, “and I reached out to Renee, Kenlie, Victor, and Niklaus. Family and friends. I saved you for last, because what I have to say to you won’t fit very well in an email. I’d rather say it to your face. In fact, I’d rather say what I have to say to both of your faces. It has to do with this family. And yes, I am using that word.” Kaelyn’s position was part of the reason why she invited Raven to Limbo; the other part of the reason for Raven’s invitation was so that they could discuss what had happened and reconnect.


<Jesse Fforde> When Raven appeared, Jesse assumed she was just dropping in; but when Clover started to speak, he realised she had reached out. Had they not spoken, yet? Jesse had seen how devoted Raven was to Clover, and he wondered what must have happened over the past week that she wouldn’t have come home as soon as she knew that Clover was awake. Maybe she was trying to distance herself. It was something that she had admitted to doing, in the past. These were passing thoughts which drifted into the back of Jesse’s mind as he leaned his elbow against the edge of the couch, his head in his palm.

At first he remained silent because this reunion was something between Clover and Raven; he would be a wallflower, or he would quietly slip somewhere else if there was any indication that they wanted it to be private. But then Clover got all serious; she said she had something to say. His eyes narrowed at her use of the word he had prohibited himself from using. Because it didn’t fit. It didn’t work. Families – the good ones, in any case – worked their **** out. This group of mismatched beings seemed incapable of doing that. When they had problems they didn’t talk about them. They just left. Like Axel had. Like Rhett had. But Jesse didn’t speak up to contradict Clover; he just arched a brow in a way that would invite her to continue.


<Raven Talius> Raven would rather scoff at the word 'family' when Clover mentioned it, instead the woman lifted her arms and folded them over her chest. What was it exactly that Clover had to say to her? She mentally prepared herself to hear words that meant she was disappointed in her childe, that she thought that her childe should have fought for them or something. In fact, she expected a chastising tone, especially considering that Jesse was there. So she braced herself. She didn't exactly know as to what she was bracing herself for, but she braced herself. Mostly because Clover's words sounded serious and she also took note of her form. What had happened in the Shadow Realm? However, she also expected pain, emotional pain. Simply because she expected her sire to reject her like most people did.


<Clover> “My first childe wasn’t someone I put a lot of thought into. I remember how mad Jesse got at the thought that he’d have to step in and clean up some perceived mess. For months, I referred to Crimson as a mistake. And then I realized we just weren’t going to get along. He wasn’t going to be my best friend. He wasn’t going to provide any support. He didn’t want anything to do with anyone else. He barely wanted anything to do with me. The same is still true,” she stressed, “but I’ve accepted that he’s going to do what he wants and I’ll always be here. When he leaves. When he comes back.”

Clover had a frown on her face then, and she couldn’t look either one of them in the eyes. She didn’t know where she was going, or maybe she did, and she just didn’t want to continue. She’d chickened out right in the middle of her explanation. “You two will never get along. And I’m just prolonging things by even thinking that’s possible. And this isn’t saying you two don’t try. In your own ways, I know you both do. But I can’t force it. I can’t force people to get along. I can’t even waste time wanting it. So tell me what you want to or need to, or say what you want to each other. Let’s move this dialogue along.”

[Raven Talius]

<Jesse Fforde> At first all Jesse wanted to do was shift, to curl in beside Clover and nuzzle against her cheek, to comfort her, somehow. Was this what she was talking about? When she wanted to talk to her sire. She’d asked to talk to her sire, rather than to Jesse. Was this that conversation? Would she welcome his comfort? What she said was true. Jesse never did condone siring people and then just letting them go to fend for themselves. But Crimson had become an aside; he was there, but not there. Clover was happy about where she was at with him, now. And that was what mattered. He knew they were there, he had what he needed. He would come when he wanted to.

As she continued, he laughed. It wasn’t a derisive laugh, and nor was it bitter. It was a soft laugh, his hand scratching at the back of his head before he shifted, and straightened; feet on the floor, elbows on his knees, hands clasped in front of him. His hair was unbrushed, his features less sharp than usual. “Never is a long time,” he said, peering at Raven. He shook his head, and he shrugged. “I only hold grudges when they’re worthwhile, Clo. You should know this by now. I demanded respect under the pretence of trying to earn it. I’m not going to do that anymore,” he said.


<Raven Talius> The woman frowned at Clover's words at first, they didn't make any sense, What did her first childe have anything to do with Raven? That was until Clover continued on and she simply shook her head. "So, you called me here for an intervention between me and Jesse? What the hell did you guys do down in the Shadow Realm? Talk about how much Jesse and I don't get along?" She perked a brow then before a shrug of her shoulders was given, noting the fact that Jesse had indeed softly laughed. "Yes, you did demand respect and I'm not the one to be a good little soldier and just simply give you respect just because you said so." Finally her gaze shifted away from the pair as she listened to absolutely nothing. What else was there to say? Jesse and she knew where their differences laid, so what kind of intervention was this exactly?

Finally after a moment's of silence, she shifted her gaze to Clover and simply shrugged. "Is that all? I have people with green eyes to kill and Red to feed."


<Clover> “No, that isn’t all. If you care about me, why can’t you show some courtesy for those that matter to me? I don’t give a damn if you get along. If you want to tear one another apart and set fire to homes and villages? I don’t give a damn. But I love Jesse, Raven. He means everything to me. I’m always supportive of you. You’re rough around the edges and I like that about you. I’ve expressed the same thing to Jesse.” Just to reiterate her point, she looked over in his direction. “She does mean very much to me.” And then he eyes went back to Raven, her mind going a million miles an hour.

“Every time you disrespect him, it feels like you’re slapping me in the face. And you’re still in touch with Doc? And falling in line with dragons? We aren’t on the same page. I’m obviously not giving you something. I can’t give you a family. You won’t let me. I can’t give you another person to go to. You won’t let me. You’d rather reach out to outsiders. I don’t know what to do right now. Do you even want to be here right now? Was this an inconvenience?”

That wasn’t what she meant to say, but she really lost track of her train of thought. She was upset that the two most important people in her life weren’t getting along, and somehow she’d jumped to the moment when she found out her childe was in contact with Doc, or when Kae alerted her of Raven’s connection with Dragomir. Clover tried not to close her fists around the sheet and rip it to shreds; instead, she closed her eyes and took a steadying breath.


<Jesse Fforde> There was that attitude. Jesse expected it, at some point, and he’d witnessed it so often that it failed to get beneath his skin. Instead, he focused on what Clover had already said. Why would she bring up Crimson, to compare him to Raven? In Raven, Jesse knew that Clover had found something of a like-mind. She had finally found someone who seemed to give a **** about her, and that meant a lot. He knew how he wanted to respond, but he wanted to word it right. Clover beat him to it, and her surge of emotional word vomit only reassured him of his own conclusion. He rubbed at his jaw even as he reached out to squeeze Clover’s knee.

“What I think she’s trying to say, Raven, is that she doesn’t want you to leave her like everyone else has,” he said. He didn’t look at Clover as he said it. His tone was calm, reassuring, almost pleading Raven to sit down and talk about this. “I had to talk Clover out of staying in the Realm. She had to talk me out of not giving up completely. That’s how we spent our time,” he said. Even if Clover hadn’t really done that in so many words, the way she was acting, it had reinforced his attitude. He couldn’t give up entirely, but he had given up in certain ways. Ways that could not be helped. “See, I concluded that this family has never worked because people don’t get along. I can’t force people to get along, just like Clover can’t force us to get along. But if we try, maybe it’ll help you to stay,” he said. Still, he didn’t look at Clover. He could be wrong.


<Raven Talius> The woman growled softly at Clover's words and she finally nodded her head. "So this is because I keep in contact with Doc and that I have connections with the Dragomirs, huh?" Slowly, she exhaled and glanced away from the woman that she knew as her sire as she listened to Jesse. She didn't want to sit, no, she wanted to hunt to continue tearing throats out. Her sire didn't trust her and her sire hadn't wanted to return to her. Emotional pain flared through the woman and her hands curled into fists as she uncurled her arms. "Clover, I don't like Jesse and I probably won't until his actions reflect his words. However, I respect the fact that you like him, a lot. He, just doesn't have the patience to deal with me, especially if history is anything to go by. As to whether I want to be here? I don't, I stayed in this family, only for the sake of you Clover. I never planned on leaving you, ever." Slowly, she took a simple step back, "But I guess you always doubted me."

A shake of her head was given. "The Dragomirs, Doc, they don't expect anything of me. They don't demand anything of me, in fact the only reason why I used to hang out with them was so I would have an excuse not to be here. So then I wouldn't have to continue arguing with every so called family member here. However, the Dragomirs grew on me, actually gave me the space I wanted. I never once thought that you of all people would doubt that I would leave you." A scoff rose to her lips then as she looked away, "But I guess that I'm just not that good enough to come back to. So why am I still standing here? I don't know. Especially if coming back was never your plan. I should leave and never return to Limbo ever again."


<Clover> Say something. It felt as if the words were whispered in her ear, encouraging her to explain herself, to proceed with caution. And yet she froze, like a deer in the headlights. Clo pressed her lips together and stared at her childe as if she were looking at the woman for the last time. Perhaps they were too much alike. Maybe they just weren’t meant to have a bond. The longer Clo allowed her silence to drag on, the more she felt like letting Raven go and crawling right back to the cold embrace of the shadow realm. And yet Clover had been the one to try and open the dialogue that she now so desperately wanted to escape. “Did you consider the fact that I knew this conversation would eventually take place, the one in which I get to reveal to you my insecurities and you decide to throw them back in my face? You never once thought that I’d doubt you? You know what? I didn’t think you’d turn to someone else for help, when I was right there. I didn’t think you’d use other family members as an excuse to run away.”

Clo let the blanket fall from her shoulders and pool around the waist of her sweatshirt. “If you don’t want to be here, then give me your tome. You don’t have to come back here ever again. You don’t have to acknowledge this family. You can go and do whatever you’d like. Build your own family. Find your own people. You say you never planned on leaving me, but you don’t want to be here. Why shouldn’t I doubt? Why shouldn’t I be scared that one of the best things to happen to me is just going to decide that someone, something, somewhere is much better when I have absolutely nothing to offer but a lingering depression that makes everyone around me run away! Forget it.” Her shoulders slumped and her rising voice came to a sudden stop. “Just forget it. We’re arguing, and you don’t want to argue,” she sighed, leaning back into the sofa.

[Jesse Fforde]

<Jesse Fforde> Jesse felt the urge to stand and throw himself in between the women; to stop the words the rushed from their mouths. They were hurtful, and it was obvious that they both needed, wanted each other. They were both so scared of rejection, and that would be their undoing. Except, to begin with he could only stare at Raven dumbfounded. For all her hatred for Kaelyn, the two were a lot alike. The conversation he’d just had with Kaelyn was so similar to this one. Nothing that Clover did would be enough, because it seemed like Raven was always going to find something wrong with it. Almost like she wanted to leave and was only looking for the reasons.

He’d said what he’d said not to make Raven think that Clover was abandoning her, but because he assumed Raven might be sympathetic. That she might see how much her sire needed the connections in order to feel whole; how much she needed not to be rejected. Instead, Raven had made it all about herself, just like Kaelyn had a habit of doing. It was like history repeating itself. And yet, it was part and parcel of who they were. When people were insecure, it had a habit of breaking them, of perceiving slights that didn’t exist. Jesse did stand. He paced the space between the women, as if he might have to reach out and hold one of them in place, and he had to be ready.

“I get it. You need time. I’m giving Victor that, too – time to show him that I mean what I say. I can do the same with you. But you, Raven. Please, can you just stop and think about how Clover feels, rather than just yourself? Doc killed her. For a really stupid ******* reason. He killed her because Kaelyn overreacts about the bad things and doesn’t focus on the good. Because Kaelyn is absorbed in how she feels, and no one else. Just like you’re doing now,” he said all this slowly, without anger. Trying to make Raven see, and think. “Don’t do anything rash. Don’t give up your tome. Just think about it. Clover needs you. She died for you, and yet you claim her killer as friend. Raven, how would that make you feel, if you were in her shoes?”


<Raven Talius> Shook her head as she glared at her sire, the one that was now pointing out her insecurities. Yes, Raven had many of her own and this, this wasn't helping one bit. "Enzo, happened to be there at the right time. Pretty boy got me into an area where only rich people were allowed to go. It was one time, that he helped me and that was all." What was her problem? Where had Raven failed as a childe? Did she fail for letting others help her out? Was that it? "I've never ran away from you Clover, never. In fact I've only ever wanted to help you, but I know, that as your childe, I have never been able to give you what only Jesse seems to be able to do. I don't know how to feel everything that everyone wants me to feel." She shook her head as she tugged the tome free from her jacket pocket and lightly placed it upon the nearest table.

"I understand that Clover died for me, but how else am I to react? I was kicked out of my last family, my own twin tried to murder me and now I'm here trying to work everything out. I don't blame Doc for Clover's death, I blame Kaelyn and I blame myself. If I trusted more, if I could trust more, then Kaelyn probably wouldn't have felt the need to shoot me in the first place." She sighed then as she continued to take steps backwards, "If the past is anything to go by, I'll never be a good childe, family member or friend. It's why I chose Raven as a name, because I'll always be better off alone. I'll always hurt the ones that I love even if it is unintentional." Her tone of voice dropped to a whisper then, "And in my wake I'll always leave death, because I'll always end up destroying everything around me." She sighed as she turned around and simply walked through the fade portal.


<Clover> Even though she’d watched Raven place the tome on the table, even though she’d heard every word from the woman’s lips, Clover still watched and waited. Clo waited for Raven to reappear by the ritual table, to sweep into the room and continue on with more emotion, with a fire that matched the red in the woman’s hair. But seconds turned to minutes, and Clo just didn’t know what to say or what to do. Anger had fueled the brunette’s words, an anger that had led her down the same path time and time again. She said things she didn’t mean--no, she said exactly what she meant, but she did it without class and without consideration. They both pushed people away.

Her brown eyes glued to the spot where Raven had disappeared, Clover took in the feeling of having Jesse near. He’d tried to salvage the relationship. He’d tried to sweep up the broken pieces and construct something beautiful. But it hadn’t been enough for Raven. And Clo had enough pride not to chase after her childe. Her former childe. They probably had nothing left, after all. “She never planned on leaving me, but she left fast enough, didn’t she?” There was light laughter, and then the sound faded into more silence. “She just,” she whispered, “she left me.” It didn’t seem like there would be more of a reaction than that, but the tears started, and then her shoulders shook, and she didn’t bother covering her face. Her blanket, which had served as her shield and her cocoon, couldn’t protect her. “I saved her and she just walked away.” She continued speaking, taking the same line of thought and stretching it in numerous directions. “She just left me,” she repeated. “She’s gone.”


<Jesse Fforde> There was nothing Jesse could have done to make Raven stay. She was the second person in this family to have handed back their tome this week. At least Raven had the sense to tell them her reasons, as stupid as they were. What had Jesse said earlier? Families fought, but they worked their **** out, eventually. They could hate each other but still treat each other with respect. They could be in the same place. They could come together for a common cause. People in this bloodline didn’t do that. They found it far too easy to walk away. Kaelyn had even sent him money for the car that they’d given to her, as a gift. Even gifts were being thrown back in their faces.

There was nothing Jesse could say to make any of this any better. There was nothing that he could do to bring Raven back – except, perhaps, to try to talk to her later, without Clover’s knowledge. He didn’t expect it to go well. He’d remained calm and open over the last half an hour but it hadn’t been received any better than his bitterness. He refused to acknowledge the tome that had been left behind, and he knew that he’d struggle to forgive Raven for what she had just done to Clover. Because when he turned to Clover now, his heart broke for her. She kept repeating the words. She left. Jesse wanted to go after Raven and slap her, but what good would that do? It seemed like she had already made up her mind, and nothing was going to persuade her.

Instead, Jesse dropped to Clover’s side. He didn’t say anything; he just wrapped her in his arms and held her closer to his chest, a vice grip to try to keep her from shattering. He knew it wouldn’t work. She had already shattered. Something inside of her had been decimated, and Jesse could only cradle the pieces as gently as he could. “What do you want to do?” he asked, eventually. Anything. Whatever she wanted to help her with this, he would do it.


<Clover> There were so many thoughts running through her mind, some of them parallel, some of them perpendicular. Even with so many thoughts, even with her mind working overtime, Clover couldn’t understand how she’d let her anger and her fear and her desperation get the best of her. She’d blurted the words out and she’d received the one reaction she never wanted. Raven had given the tome back. Raven had walked away. And yes, as Clo kept thinking, over and over, Raven had left. Everything made sense. She and Jesse could have sat down on the floor and mapped out the chain of events. They could have spent an entire day trying to connect every dot with the same dotted lines. It was all too easy to see where things had gone wrong and why things had ended as they’d ended.

“I want to stop feeling like I’m having a minor heart attack, or like stomach acid is burning a hole through my intestines.” Clover described exactly what she felt, but she couldn’t see it for what it was. She was heartbroken. She felt the same as she’d felt when she’d lost Jersey and when she’d lost Victor. Except those weren’t bonds that were bound so tightly by blood. Jersey wasn’t Fforde, and Victor was a sibling. Raven was Clover’s childe, her progeny, and it felt as if someone had grabbed a knife and slowly begun to carve the bond right out of her body. “I want her to come back, Jesse. I want her to come back. I want her to care about me. I want you to make her,” she cried. When she’d finished her words, she finally wiped at her eyes to try and stop the embarrassing display. “I want you to just keep holding me. Please just keep holding me,” she whispered, her voice cracking.