An account of events

[Roderic]

It's been a while since I've written in this thing. I guess a whole lot or nothing and a whole lot of something has been going on.
I've been waiting for it to adjust itself on some fronts, but I don't know when or if it will.
I've sired two more in the last month and a half or so. Guys. I told you I'm not doing that with women anymore.
Sticking to my guns. Or however that saying goes.
The one is here and there, but never talks. That's okay. I don't like talking.
The other is named Ethan.

Before them, I was wandering around, like I typically do every other night or so in the hunting grounds and came across a group of humans.
They were training.
And they just weren't humans.
They were paladins.

So I called a couple of people together; River, Doc, Skylar, Jules and Freyja.
Besides River almost getting killed-which reminds me to give Julby a good talking to, everything went pretty well.
Or so we thought.
I guess we missed one, or someone came back to camp and he didn't like finding all his people dead.
He did the very stupid, and very human and emotional thing to do.
Romero or something like that-tells you how much the guy made an impression on the city, went around going stab crazy-the funny thing is, I don't think he got a single one of us who killed his people in that camp that night.
He's gone now. Don't know who got to put a bullet or sword through his chest-I don't care. As long as he's dead and it seems he is.
No wonder they fell so easily. Their leader was running around like a chicken with its head cut off pecking at things and people he shouldn't have.

It's been a strange three weeks or so.
Skylar's not really done much of anything.
It seems like we go through this every few months.
This wasn't what I signed up for-the half assing of things.
I know I'm not perfect, but and I know I sometimes stay away for a night or two, but never weeks.
I've never considered myself someone to throw the towel in, but it's not really me throwing the towel in, is it? Not if she's done it first.
I heard Doc's wife was gone for a long time. I wonder how he did it. Just waited around. I'll have to ask him-he's always good at giving advice.

[Roderic]

I asked if anyone saw my wife...No one has but Patrick. He said he saw her a couple days ago. Two he said. Two is a good sign. It's a positive number, positive is good. We all know this. It's taught to us in school.

I talked to Doc, only because I posted something about Skylar's sire. I get his concern, I wasn't overly thrilled with suggesting what I did. I only did it as a last resort and it's been weeks. It's my last resort. I can't find my wife half the time. I'm a decent tracker and I know her signature marks...but still can't find a shred of her anywhere in the city. Then Doc tells me to summon her. And I do and tried. I did last week and she was thrilled but then...tonight I tried and she didn't come. I did nothing different. She just didn't appear.

I'm forced to talk to her sire. Or Patrick. He said he saw her two days ago. Is she with him?
I'm not jealous. She's my wife. I don't need to be jealous.
But something isn't right. My wife isn't coming home. She's not able to be summoned.
I can't help but want to tear the city apart...break into homes and other places-bloodline homes...any place and every place to find my wife.
I might. First her sire. Then report back to Doc about my findings and go from there.
It's the only plan I've got right now.

[Roderic]

It's been a month since things have been off kilter.
I can't remember the last time I fed off my wife.
Maybe two weeks?
I'm sure I could count on one hand the amount of times I fed off her in the last month.
I've been hunting for vampires, but some of the locations I've been given, I've never heard of these places or don't know how to get to.
I've been boosting-blood boosting.
Almost every day, unless I can manage to get to a vampire that's hiding out somewhere.
I'm on the verge of doing something very uncharacteristic.
If I didn't have Velveteen or Tytonidae, I'm sure it would have happened already.
I'm talking like it's going to happen.
It's not.
I don't think it will.
I hope not.
Get ahold of yourself, Roderic.

The auction is tonight.
That will take my mind off things.
I dislike routine being disrupted or broken.
And she's done both of those things.
There will be consequences.

[Roderic]

Getting blood from random vampires is getting harder and harder.
I know I signed up for this, and I'm fine with it, but are they getting smarter, or scared?
Scared of me, or scared of something else? Is there something else in the city that I'm not aware of or don't see?
I wonder if I should bring this thought up to Velveteen.
I think I will.

Lately, all I've been doing is ritutaling or staying at my hut in the Eyrie.
I don't mind it. Other people live there, even if we don't socialize a lot or at all.
I know I can start a conversation, but right now?
I don't know what I'm going to do.
What I want to do.

Last week I paid someone to throw a bomb into Lancaster's bar.
I'm not mad he kicked me out.
I'm mad he wasted my time and then didn't tell me ****.
Expected me to tell him everything.
Pick up a phone or text. Email even.
Do people email anymore?

Skylar emailed me a lot.
She doesn't know why she hasn't come when I summoned her.
I guess that's not the most of it.
Or the worst of it.
It's the fact I've had to go hunting to feed or spend thousands of dollars on getting blood.
Again, my own life choices, but I wouldn't have had to do it that much, had she been home or come to me.
So where is she?
Who is she with?
Does Elliot really know where my wife is?
Is my wife with Elliot? I know Pi is gonna on vacation or something.
Is that what really bothers me?
Believing my wife is with Elliot most, or all these nights she's not here?
I'm not jealous, at all.
If she wants to be with him, then she needs to tell me.
We're both adults.

I won't be happy, but they're sort of the same sort of person.
Cut from the same fabric.
So I would get it.
Even if I didn't like it.

Where is Jules when I need her?
She's always got a good head on her shoulders for a chick.
She would tell me what to do and what I should do.
Buit Doc would too.
I think I'll go talk to him and see what the next step is in this sort of thing.

[Roderic]

If only we could keep the arms, legs and other body parts I took tonight....I could create another person.
The last two nights have been...enjoyable.
It's been a long time since I've seen blood and ash in the same spot.
My nights are once again fulfilled with tasks and duties.
I know what to do with my nights.
I've found a purpose once again.

[Roderic]

I never considered myself anything but free until the last few months.
I never felt tied to anything. Obligated. Coerced or forced for that matter.
But now that the equation that had two variables...we will call them, has just one and an unknown, I have noticed a difference.
It is not the same as when I severed my ties to Altaire and to Phoenix.
It is a different sense.
Phoenix didn't care what I did, or what I got up to. No explanations were needed.

I don't know what this feeling is.
As I said, I sort of always felt free, I never felt constraint or tied up. Tied to.
Until lately. I recognize that I was tied to others emotions and expectations.
I suppose it's natural. When people have a defined relationship, in any aspect.
I'm not going back. I've found my niche and my comfort again.
I might not have asked for this, or understood how this happened, but it did.
And we can only move forward.

[Roderic]

I went to a party.
It was a pirate themed party.
I was bored. I need tasks. I have very few tasks needed or demanded of me.
I got a costume and tried to remain as secretive as I could.
It only took a couple words and Kaelyn figured me out. Doc wasn't long after. So I ditched the mask.
River was there. She came with some chick.
I didn't really know anyone else other than Ari.
I didn't stay long. Things were getting weird.
I was losing control.
I didn't have control.

Tytonidae claimed another territory out from under a group.
The sirens. They didn't really do a heck of a lot.
Nothing but running away.
It was a little disappointing.
We won, sure, but I hate cowards. Spineless creatures with no backbone.
The majority of them came and did nothing other than some taunting and ran all over playing hide and seek.
Hopefully the next group makes me bleed a little more black than I had.

I felt like myself for a half hour then.
Even if it was a game of chase.
I felt focused. Determined.
I had control.

[Roderic]

I've tried to kill hurt someone multiple times and have failed as many times as I have tried to wipe them off the map.
I've not even come close.
It's infuriating.
And exhausting.
But mostly infuriating.
The bad luck I've been encountering.
I didn't believe in luck, but I'm starting to change my mind on that idea.
What else can it be?
I've never had so many difficulties with one single person before.

I do not appreciate the feeling it gives me.
I do not like being confused, but I do like puzzles and pulling things apart.
That is what I have to do. Put the puzzle together by pulling apart the pieces and finding where these pieces go.
Currently, I have no ******* clue.

I was looking for this person...this woman today because she had my sword. I went inside just about every place I could get into looking for her.
I came across something strange. Or unexpected.
How did River cure her social awkwardness?
Or her anxiety? I guess that's what it is.
I'm not sure. She just always seems so uncomfortable and quiet.
Like me.
Granted, I didn't stay long to see her interacting, but I suppose it's possible? To be cured.

For a second I wondered if I could be cured.
But then I decided I don't give a ****.
I don't like people. I don't need people.
I don't want people around me.
They were my weakness.
No more.

I'm done with people.

[Roderic]

There is something going on that I can't describe.
Put a finger on.
Something I haven't experienced before.
It's unsettling; this state I'm in.

I don't think it's healthy.
What sort of healthy person lets another person rip them to shreds and come back for more?
It's probably not, if things were normal.
If I were a normal, every day person.
But I'm not a person.
And I'm not normal.

Has it finally happened?
I remember Velveteen telling me that most like me, tend to go insane.
Is this what insanity is?
Have i finally gone over the edge?
I've looked at the definition of insanity at least twenty times, and it doesn't apply to people like me.
Vampires.
We don't have normal perceptions. Normal behaviors. Or normal social interactions.
I can only conclude that it's not insanity then, given the basic definition.

So what is it then?
An experiment?
Seeing how far the other can go before we've gone too far?
Maybe.
But I find myself not caring about the result. Not in the sense of an experiment.
I don't care if it goes too far. If it does, I already know the result.
So what is this?

[Roderic]

I don't think I'm insane.
I can still function regularly on the majority of things I do night after night.
It's different.
It's fun. Stress-less. Very little drama.
No drama.
But it's new.
Everything new is always shiny and appealing.

Part of me knows we're walking a thin rope here.
One night, someone is going to die.
Push the other too far.
And if that someone is me?
I wouldn't care.
I'd be right back next to her, ready for round whatever it is.

On a more serious note. Apparently Doc and Cyth are on vacation.
Only, their plane went down.
And we're going after them.
I don't think we're going to make it far, but sounds like a great fishing trip.
Not that I've fished much or at all. Spear fishing, sure. Regular fishing? No clue.
Boner seems to have some sort of idea.

Kenlie, Boner, Dom, Stagger, Kae and I are all off tomorrow.
Along with Foster.
Well, pieces of him.
Nothing is better than live bait.