Collapse [Jesse; Raven]

[Clover]

C o l l a p s e
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OOC: Backdated to April 26th

<Clover> He wasn’t screaming, and yet, for some reason, Clover still found some ounce of joy in the man’s stumbling and mumbling. He reminded her of past kills and promised her of future kills. He was a link in a chain, one she hadn’t touched in a good while. Clo gave him a good shove that sent him tumbling over the arm of the couch and rolling onto the floor. The couch wasn’t stained with her blood, as she’d hoped--she remembered the fact that her blood wasn’t the type to soak into material, to leave traces on surfaces.

The man started promising money and trades to spare his life, but Clover didn’t respond. She went over to him, pried open his mouth, yanked on his tongue, and cut the body part from his mouth. And that’s when the wailing started, the low, muffled wailing that Clover came to associate with the beginning of the game, when her prey choked on the blood that filled his mouth and spilled down his throat. Maybe it was the journal entry, the realization that she was inadequate, riddled with weaknesses and peppered with opposing personality traits. Maybe it was the hunter that took her hand. “This is Lewis. I found him looking up women’s skirts. Say hello, Lewis.” The man just kept moaning in pain.


<Raven Talius> Raven snickered as she watched Clover cut out the man's tongue and her hand upon a blonde woman's shoulder, tightened as the human finally let out a scream. The fledgling had forced her little fighter to sit upon the couch, while Raven stood over the top of her and she simply shook her head. "Oh do shut up Teresa before I make you shut up, he only lost his tongue." It was at that point that her screams cut off as Teresa pressed a fist to her mouth. Raven smirked then and lifted her hand from her shoulder and moved to grip the woman by the neck as a warning. "You're such a good samaritan Clover. This one here... Well, she wasn't doing anything except closing down a store. I only picked her up because..." She rolled her shoulder then to indicate the bullet that had gone through it, "Well, because the ***** shot me. I don't do nicely to being shot, although..." The woman smirked then, as she moved her hand from the human's neck to grasp thick and long strands of hair into her fist.

Raven yanked the woman's head back then, exposing Teresa's neck and she leaned in to draw a breath, taking in the woman's scent with delight. "I actually enjoyed the burning pain that it gave me. Besides, she smells too delicious not to add to the dessert menu." She snickered then as Teresa let out yet another whimper. If they truly were going to ruin this couch, she had a couple of things in mind possibly involving a couple of daggers.


<Jesse Fforde> There were several reasons why Jesse had gone after Kaelyn, not least of which was that he didn’t believe she deserved the way she was being treated. In his mind, Clover was overly paranoid, which he forgave her for most of the time. He even laughed it off with Kaelyn, telling her that Clover would eventually come around, she just needed time. Raven, on the other hand, he believed was just a ***** and there was no use even in trying. She was so firmly set in her ways, and there’d be no digging her out of them. And to think, after the movie night, he’d started to believe she was starting to settle.

Jesse had stayed with Kaelyn, talking in circles. It’s what happened with Kaelyn – you had to talk in circles for a while until she finally caved, and chose to believe you. When Doc had arrived acting all caring, Kaelyn falling into his arms like he was the only one who could provide solace, Jesse had taken his leave. It didn’t matter what he said, it didn’t matter. The talking in circles had helped Jesse to more fully realise one thing – or maybe it was Doc’s arrival and Kaelyn’s reaction that was the last straw. He had, finally, completely given up.

When he landed in the middle of Limbo to the sound of screaming and the overwhelming scent of blood, it was like the nail in the coffin of his optimism. He just stood and stared, watching Clover and Raven, his hands in his pockets and an indecipherable expression etched into his features. Beyond six months ago he might have exploded. He might have started to destroy the place. Now, there was nothing – nothing but acceptance.


<Clover> Jesse’s arrival hadn’t been factored into her equation. She’d planned a bloody scene, something shared between herself and her childe; she’d planned to show that she did what she wanted. And yet, when Jesse arrived, she felt more like a child caught in the act. Normally, she might have tried to explain herself. Normally, she might have skipped to an apology and filled in the blanks with soothing words. But she had nothing to say to him. She told herself that it was her hand. Damn hunter. That damn hunter. Clover shifted the blame around until the truth resurfaced. Once. Twice. With the noise coming from the humans, she couldn’t think straight. Again, she found a place to put the blame. Those damn humans.

Tracy. If it were Tracy, the first, and last, human she’d brought to the lair, she would have slapped the girl; instead, Clover tore her eyes away from Jesse, fell to her knees next to the human’s legs, and gave the human a reason to scream. She grabbed the blond human by his short hair, but she’d forgotten about her missing hand. Clover used her right forearm to hold the man down and then used her left hand to thrust the knife into the man’s shoulder. She wanted to outline the upper portion of the humerus, to carve the man up like a Thanksgiving meal. The knife was sharp, but she had to saw. With every motion of the blade, the man fought and screamed. And it gave Clover time to think. What the **** was she doing? What was she hoping to accomplish?

There was a part of her that wanted to cut away the inadequacy, and there was a part of her that wanted to cut away Kaelyn’s words. Clover didn’t know what it meant to be a friend. Clover didn’t even know if she truly wanted friends. Maybe she was better off alone, the opposite of what she wanted for Raven. When she’d severed the man’s arm, she had to make a tourniquet, one she struggled to create, using a combination of her single hand and her teeth. One part down. “Welcome home. I’m just bonding with Raven.” The scent of blood in the air made her feel more alive than ever, even if the armlet soothed her thirst.


<Raven Talius> Raven watched with glee as her sire seemed to cut through the man like he was a loaf of bread with only one arm. The fledgling snickered then and could only imagine as the scent of the man's blood hit her senses, just as to what he would taste like. She could see herself kneeling down and yanking the man up by his hair so then her tongue could lash out to lick at the bloody wound. The woman could almost taste the warm blood as she could imagine it running down her chin. It was at this point that her fangs pressed into her mouth and a smirk rose to her lips before she angled her head to look over at Jesse who seemed to just simply be watching them.

Raven was feeling the excitement that she felt when blood spilled and her thirst flared into a raging fire, a fire that could only be put out by crimson blood. It was at this point that she pulled out a dagger, primarily used by hunters who hunted animals and leaned down to grasp Teresa's right hand. The woman fought against Raven's hold of her wrist, but she had a tight enough to bruise the skin. She pressed the back of the hand to the arm of the couch and with one swift moment, she lodged the dagger into the woman's hand, until its edge sunk into the hardened arm of the couch.

Raven smirked and felt her veins thrum to life as the woman screamed in total pain as Teresa's left hand moved towards her right injured hand. The fledgling smacked the human's left hand away from her right, "Oh no you don't sweetheart. Move that dagger and you'll loose your left hand. Scream anymore and I'll cut your tongue out as well." Teresa's scream cut off again and she instead, whimpered with pain as the scent of her glorious blood wafted through the air. Raven then turned to seat herself upon the back of the couch and gently patted the blonde woman's head. "Ah, there you are Jesse. Returning home after a night spent with Kaelyn I assume."


<Jesse Fforde> Jesse’s nostrils flared, a hardness to his eyes as he watched the scene in front of him. There was nothing he wanted more than to join in, like he would have had it been Clover there alone. Except, when he and Clover had had their fun with Tracey, it had been upstairs, in Cerberus. No one really went to that floor. It was a more private area. As he watched he thought of Rhett and Dhara who sometimes came through; they could be considered the equivalent of vampire vegans. What would they think if they stumbled in on such a scene? Or Esperanza? Ursula and Renee would probably enjoy it. But there were those who wouldn’t appreciate it. Limbo was supposed to be a place welcome to all, but this was hardly a welcoming scene.

But, Jesse reminded him, it didn’t matter. Everyone was scattered already. The only progeny he had who he could claim had the same kind of devotion as Raven had to Clover, was Clover. But that hadn’t always been there. That had been slow to develop. Jesse shrugged his shoulders as he moved toward the kitchen; he needed blood, and he wasn’t going to intervene. His thumb swiped at his lips and he nodded.

“I talked to Kaelyn. She’s with Doc, now,” he said. There was a finality to his tone; it was clear that he didn’t mean now, as if she’d be with him for a couple of hours before coming home again. He meant now, as in she wouldn’t be coming back. For all intents and purposes, she was Doc’s. Although he’d tried to hold Clover’s gaze, he’d hoped that she might be able to read his hurt – but he’d given up on that too, head bowing. He stopped paying any attention to what they were doing. He would get his blood, and he’d go upstairs.


<Clover> Clover ripped more of the human’s shirt and stuffed the strip into the man’s mouth, muffling the loud screaming and the pathetic sobbing. The expectation had been that Jesse would yell, that he’d chastise her for her involvement and obvious encouragement. Instead, he seemed the complete opposite. He looked tired, as if he’d spent the night trying to comfort Kaelyn. “And that’s my fault? I don’t trust her. I said the truth. I told her before that I didn’t trust her. I even told her not to take it personal. I really should have expected you to run after her, without much of a word. Just vanish off the map. So I figured, why not spend some time with Raven. Why not try bonding with someone that didn’t run off after a child, one that couldn’t sit down and talk to me before running away. If she had, she’d be here, and we’d be having a sleepover.”

Clover bit down on her lower lip so hard that she drew blood, but she didn’t care. The taste of the black blood was quick to arrive and just as quick to leave. Not a trace remained. “I’ve walked in on her talking about me. Do you know what I did? I stayed. I stayed and let her know that I wasn’t intimidated. I let her have her go at me, and I didn’t give two shits. You took her side in this, didn’t you? Or was it because you didn’t want her taking her tears to Doc, so that he could comfort her? You’re just as paranoid as I am, but you’d rather try and comfort her to keep her close, because you love her and care about her.” The human’s noise picked up again and Clover moved to straddle him.

Without her banter, Clo jammed the knife into the center of the man’s chest. She repeated the action over and over again, keeping count. “I just don’t.” The droplets of blood hit her in the face and stained her white shirt red. “I try, but I just can’t.” Without meaning to, she’d killed her human. “The only reason you came back is because Doc swept her off her feet; otherwise, you would have stayed wherever it was that you were. And I didn’t know where you were. But that’s fine. I had Raven.” It was a cheapshot. She knew it as soon as the words left her mouth. But what was she supposed to do? Apologize? Like hell. Clo was too angry.


<Raven Talius> Raven simply shrugged and continued to stroke the woman's blonde locks. Fear must have kept her in place, simply because Teresa must have known after what Clover had done, that she really would loose her tongue or hand should she disobey. The fledgling listened to Jesse's words, but she didn't, couldn't feel any sympathy. Doc couldn't steal what was always his. Raven had seen the way Kaelyn acted around Doc and it was completely different to the way she acted around her family. The child was tense around Limbo, with Doc? She seemed to enjoy herself and wasn't always falling into fits of sadness or bouts of anger. Some people said that the fledgling wasn't observant, but even though she was a complete and utter *****, she was observant to a point. The woman had to be to survive.

The woman listened and shifted her gaze then to Clover as she spoke words, words that came from pain deep within. Her brown hues watched the dagger that Clover held, rise and fall, rise and fall. In and out, in and out of the man's chest cavity until Raven could no longer hear a heart beat. It was at this point that the fledgling produced another hunting dagger and lightly tapped Teresa's shoulder with it. The human seemed to understand what it meant, because the human started to rock back and forth as much as her daggered hand would allow. Her brown hues returned back to Clover and although she felt the scent of blood thrum through her veins and her insatiable thirst flaring within her throat, now was not the time to feed. At least not yet.

A sigh fell upon her lips as she understood what Clover's actions meant. Jesse and Clover, they were two halves, like yin and yang. So the fact that Clover accentuated upon the fact that Jesse chased after Kaelyn, was the fact that gave away that Clover felt like she was loosing it, even though her pain was coated in angry words. Damn, she was really enjoying herself, now she was beginning to realize even though the two were fighting, at least they had something that Raven would never have, Love. It was something that had eluded the serial killer for all her life. Her parents never loved her, her twin clearly didn't love her and all through out her life, the only love she found was in pain. Pain that Clover now felt from her love of Jesse.

She lifted a hand then to stroke it through her red and black locks as she shook her own head. Her fun had clearly evaporated and now, she was simply tempted to leave. One thing kept her there though and that was her devotion to Clover. "Oh for ****'s sake Jesse. Forget about being the head of a family for once and see what is right in front of you. My sire, is clearly struggling with the pain of her hand, a hand that she lost when she accidentally went through the wrong portal after you." While she didn't mean Clover's hand per se, she meant the pain that Clover felt within. An emotional pain, one that was clearly tearing her apart, because Raven had never seen Clover do this before. However, she wasn't exactly sure whether this had occurred before, so she just went off her own experiences with her sire.


<Jesse Fforde> Jesse listened to Clover as he got the packs from the fridge and emptied them into a mug, which he then moved to the microwave to heat. He leaned against the counter, palms digging into the edges of it, his shoulders tense and his head still bowed. The blood from the fridge was going to do nothing for his thirst. The entirety of Limbo was devoured in the scent of fresh blood, and Jesse was fooling himself thinking that the lacklustre, stale, packaged blood was going to sate his thirst.

He'd been about to tell Clover that she was right. He had gone off after Kaelyn and he shouldn’t have, because it was only to realise there was no point. He was going to tell her that he’d gone after Kaelyn one too many times, and now he wouldn’t anymore. There’d be no need to anymore. He was torn between inaction and action; and it was Raven who tipped him toward the latter. Even as the microwave beeped, Jesse spun around to face them. He hadn’t noticed Clover’s hand, but he had reason to now. Clover had missed a limb. Clover had been brain damaged. Clover had been harmed so much worse than a missing hand, and it hadn’t bothered her. Well, the limb had. And he’d helped to clean her up every single time; would do so now, except she didn’t seem at all bothered. She was preoccupied.

“You’re overreacting,” he said to Clover. “You were with Raven. I didn’t drop you in the middle of some romantic evening we were having together. You were busy. I’m not allowed to do what I want to do when you’re busy?” he said, his gaze drifting sharply to Raven. There was plenty more he could say, but he wasn’t going to do it there, and then. He’d not been lying to Kaelyn. He didn’t share his feelings with anyone anymore, bar one. Hadn’t he just had that conversation with Clover? Hadn’t he just admitted to her that yes, it still hurt that they had all just walked away, and there was no family anymore? And she’d just kicked the dust over whatever had remained of it, tossed it aside like it didn’t matter.

He reached into the microwave to retrieve the blood he probably wouldn’t drink. He made a step or two toward the elevator. “Am I allowed to go upstairs? I’ll leave you two to your business. I’m not needed here, am I?”


<Clover> The things she’d said shouldn’t have been said in front of Raven. That was an unwritten, unspoken rule. By saying what she said, she was causing a scene, and Jesse liked to avoid causing a scene. Clo left the kitchen knife she’d found crammed in the man’s chest and sat back, sitting on the still man’s legs. At first, she didn’t think Raven would say anything. Clover was torn between wanting her childe to remain silent and wanting her childe to speak. The anticipation alone made the atmosphere heavier. Her head lowered, Clo licked at the blood on her hands and fingers; she took joy in the familiar taste, and she found comfort in the texture.

She shouldn’t have said anything, not in front of Raven. The thought circled around her brain, warning her, scolding her. Would he growl at her that they should talk in private? Would he yell at her for the things she said, for implying that he cared more about Kaelyn? And then Raven spoke. Clover couldn’t stop herself from placing her hand over her face. Was Raven really talking about the missing appendage? Clover’s hand meant little, in the course of things. After all, Clo had just admitted that she had trouble caring about Kaelyn. Clo had basically said she thought she was broken. Despite the fact that she felt unsure of Raven’s interjection, she also welcomed the voice, welcomed the interruption.

But every interruption opened the floor for more conversation. She soon realized that she didn’t want to hear what Jesse had to say. Clo didn’t like what he had to say. He seemed resigned, without an ounce of anger, and the fact made her even angrier. She wanted him to yell at her, to scream at her, to break things with her. “You’re allowed to do whatever you want to do. I just thought we’d say goodbye, or we’d say where we’re going. We used to. Forget it.” Clover had a little trouble getting up, but she pushed herself away from the corpse. She bent down and grabbed the man by his right ankle. “You know, you’re right. I was busy. It wasn’t important. It’s not important. You should go and get her back. I’ll leave.”

[Jesse Fforde]

<Clover> Clover straightened up and began to drag the corpse toward her apartment. She left a rather large bloodtrail, but she didn’t seem to care. She kept readjusting her hold on the man’s ankle. When she got to the door to her apartment, Clo dropped the man’s ankle to open the door. The man went into the apartment first. She used her feet to kick him into the apartment, a little bit at a time. With his body in the apartment, Clo put her good hand on the doorknob, unsure if she went to go in or take a fadeportal.

“I didn’t take the wrong fadeportal. I went to the slums to kill people. A hunter got me while I was resting there. The hunter took my hand and I came back here. And do you know who was here to help me? Not you. But it made me think. I’m inadequate without you,” she spoke to Jesse, casting a quick glance in Raven’s direction, “and I don’t want to be inadequate. I want to be worthy. I want to be able to handle myself. You don’t have to say anything. This whole thing was a stupid idea. I’ll go apologize to Kae and kiss her ***.” Clo pulled the door to her apartment closed and took a seat on the floor, looking between the both of them. “Would that make you happy? I can lie to her.”


<Raven Talius> Raven simply sighed and shook her head. Nothing would ever get done if she stayed, because chances were, she'd only make matters worse. Again, it was her curse to make things worse, this she realized as Jesse began to speak. He was blind to Clover's emotional pain and the fledgling lifted a hand to rub at her temple. It was as if Jesse was completely blind to the scene before him and it was completely visible that Raven only made things worse. That as a member of this family, she was destroying it, even if it was unintentionally. Jesse clearly didn't like her, especially with the look that he gave her and she knew then that her time here was up. The woman couldn't stay if Clover and Jesse had any hope of reconciling. She only knew this, because she had stayed out of their relationship right up until now and they had done perfectly well, until now.

The woman could see with her own eyes, that she was the chink in their armour and she based this off of the first time that there had been an argument between Jesse, Clover and her. Every time she stood up for her sire it went side ways and the fledgling knew that she was poison to their relationship. Emotional pain, pain that she was never used to feel because she had distanced herself from everyone, rose and she knew it was because of her love for her sire. Because of her devotion and trust. Raven bowed her head so then her hair would mask the single tear that slid down along her cheek, her thirst completely forgotten. This was enough to make Raven rise the moment that Clover sat down upon the floor. This was the exact reason why she feared the single corner piece that sat in the empty frame of the mirror, because it hurt to know that she couldn't help her sire.

Slowly she swallowed, lifted a hand to wipe at her cheek, before she glanced up at the two, silently looking between then as she pondered upon the words that she should say. There were hardly any that she could say to make everything alright between the two. Her brown gaze moved to the blonde woman who had gone eerily quiet as if she was paying attention to the drama that was befalling her, before she glanced over towards Jesse. Raven no longer felt thirsty for blood, she felt the need for physical pain, pain that would mask the pain that she felt within simply because Clover's pain could not be healed by her childe, but by the one she truly loved. "Inadequacy, doesn't always mean you're weak, Clover. It just means that you need Jesse, even though he doesn't see that. You two... Are like yin and yang, you guys need each other more than you know, because you both balance out the negatives of each other."

She lifted a hand to gently pat the blonde's head before sighed, this was not where she should be. "You guys should talk without screaming at each other and without me being here." Another sigh caressed her lips, "Jesse, Clover, whether you guys realize it or not, I've seen the way you make each other happy and that's not a happiness that comes along very often. It's beautiful in its own right." It was then that she sheathed the dagger she held in a leg sheath and stepped away from the blonde. "Jesse, I need to hunt. So, here is Teresa, my gift to you and Clover. Enjoy her, she smells delicious." It was then that she turned from them and simply walked over to the fadeportal, she had to leave before she made the fire blaze out of control.


<Jesse Fforde> Six months. It wasn’t long, in the grand scheme of things. Far longer than Jesse’s average track record. Maybe he shouldn’t have made a big deal out of it. Even as he stared at Clover and her slow break, he wondered if he was the cause of it. He had made her think too much about the time. Even as he stared he cast his memory back. She hadn’t reacted badly, had she? She’d enjoyed that he’d remembered the six months, but Clover reminded him of the one thing she’d always been good at. Lying. She could have lied to him, and she could have done it without realising.

He shifted on his feet, his mask slipping. Had she really just said what he thought she said? It sounded an awful lot like I need to be without you. Whether or not she intended it as such, Jesse took it like a knife to the chest. He took a deep breath before releasing it, a slow sigh that could have meant so many different things. In that moment, he looked vulnerable, and he remained that way. Even when Raven shocked him with her monologue, spoken with such a genuine and honest sincerity. She’d always been so cold, and Jesse didn’t know that she was capable of such feeling. He should have guessed that beneath her marble exterior she really was sad about her predicament. Though there was nothing he could do about it.

As soon as Raven was gone, Jesse stepped forward and, a hand on either side of Teresa’s face, he twisted and snapped her neck. If he was going to have a conversation with Clover, he didn’t want this human to overhear it, either – whether she was about to die or not. He’d stepped right into the puddle of blood. Even his hands were flecked with it, but the sight didn’t send him off the rails. There was far too much going on inside of him, a tumultuous storm of feeling, that even the blood couldn’t distract him.

“It’s too late,” he said, referring to Kaelyn. “She’s with Doc now,” he repeated. She was probably better off there. Maybe his family was more functional than this one. He shook his head. It was an afterthought, really. The one person he thought he had, and he was losing her over and over again. All in the space of an hour. Whatever Raven might have said, whatever truth might have been in her words, they weren’t words spoken by Clover. It was those words that mattered.

“Do you really mean it? Do you want to leave me?” he asked. It was the only question he could think to ask.


<Clover> Any other time, Clover would have admired Raven for saying such things. As it was, Clover felt extremely uncomfortable, extremely uncomfortable and just as disappointed in herself. She knew what the word inadequate meant, and the definition alone made Clo want to bury her head in the sand. Incapable. Unfit. Inept. Useless. The synonyms went on and on. Clover could have continued listing them, throwing them out as if she were the best thesaurus in Canada. Instead, she forced herself to shutter those thoughts, burying them behind imaginary doors and imaginary locks. If she needed Jesse, then she hated it. If she wanted Jesse, then she hated it. Clo just wanted to be with him, without those two words, without feeling like she didn’t fully exist without him.

“Then why does it feel that way? Why does it feel like I’m weak?” Clover asked the question, but she didn’t expect answers. Her voice had been small and the questions asked just under her breath, as if she didn’t want anyone to hear her. And maybe that was it. She didn’t want anyone to hear the questions, just as she didn’t want anyone to answer them. Raven moved toward the fadeportal and Clover did nothing to stop her. Raven was right. Clo and Jesse needed to talk. They needed to talk, without screaming, without harsh words. And Clover had been so prepared for a knockout, for the harshest words to be thrown at her.

Clo wanted to be the one to kill Teresa, but Jesse moved first. She closed her eyes and savored the sound of the sickening crack. The bone might have been protruding from the flesh, or it might have been fractured beneath the flesh. Clo could only imagine the ways in which Teresa’s body reacted to such force. When Jesse brought up Kaelyn again, Clo just shook her head. He was too quick to give up. If Clover wanted, she knew she could win Kaelyn over; she knew she could explain and provide the examples the girl craved. Clover knew she could drag up every failed relationship in her life and explain how, and why, it factored into her mindset. Kaelyn’s position wasn’t final. No, he really was too quick to give up.

“What?” She’d been focused on Kaelyn, so his questions surprised her. Panic. That’s what she felt. Her heart should have been beating out of her chest. She felt a rush similar to the one accompanying bloodlust, and then the chill that raced up the length of her spine. He asked her because he wanted to leave her. That had to be it. “I meant leave Circle, not leave you, unless you want to do that. Then we could...you know. I guess. If you don’t want to be with me anymore.” she mumbled, shrugging her shoulders. She didn’t look at him as she spoke, finding something far more interesting on the floor.

“I’d rather we didn’t. Because I love you. I just,” she sighed, “I also meant that I’d leave the family, if it meant bringing her back and making you happy. She’d have no reason to stay away. I have other places to live. I can take care of myself. I can take care of Raven.”


<Jesse Fforde> Jesse had asked the question because he was sure that was what Clover had intended. Where she might think herself weak, where she might not have the faith in herself that Jesse had in her, Jesse believed that she might gather all her strength to get what she wanted. What she needed. He leaned against the couch, his knuckles buried in the upholstery. He didn’t stay standing that way for long, before his knees buckled and the couch took the weight of his hip, his backside. He leaned fully as one arm curled over his chest, the other clutching at his mouth. The mug of blood had been discarded somewhere, back there. Pushed back onto the kitchen bench, the table. Abandoned.

“I don’t want you to leave, Clover, but it seems to be what you want. You want to feel adequate and you can’t feel adequate when you’re with me. Would it matter what I said? Or what I did? Do I make you feel inadequate? How do I fix something like that?” he asked. Now that they were alone, he found it easier to talk. It was easier to open up and give to Clover his fears. His head bowed, and he rubbed at his temples.

And then his head lifted, his eyes quiet and bereft of their usual gleam. There was a conclusion he had come to in the maelstrom of his thoughts. They believed he had been cursed before; that his need so sire and his subsequent urge to commit suicide had been due to some… magical binding. It was a binding that he had broken, but had death really been the only cost? Or had he been living with another curse this entire time? Humans shied away from him. They were afraid of him. And what if he had the same effect on vampires, but different? Something so subtle that neither they nor he could detect. A subtle force that eventually pushed everyone away. Because he made them feel inadequate.

“I don’t need a family. None of it matters. If I tell you you’re adequate, would you believe me? I don’t need to turn anyone else, I don’t need anything but you,” he said, his tongue curled to suggest it. Just the two of them. But then his gaze shifted to the violence around him. The blood and the dead blonde, the trail leading to Clover’s door. Clover had found someone else to let loose with. She had found someone else who shared her violent desires. The words stuttered in his throat. He swallowed them and shook his head.

“No. Never mind. I don’t know what to do.”


<Clover> Yes. No. Maybe. Clover felt as if she were caught in a windstorm, being tugged in so many directions that she could no longer tell which way was up and which way was down. And maybe it was her turn to say something meaningful. Maybe it was her turn to cry, to bleed, to shout, to be. “I do want to feel adequate. I do want to feel better. I don’t want to lose you, Jesse. Look at what I do. I was jealous and insecure. I was paranoid. I’m a mess. I don’t play well with others. And I hurt you. I hurt you so much,” she whispered, raising her hand to motion around the room. It was as if she blamed the state of the room on such things. Jealousy and insecurity and paranoia. She was right to do so.

Any other time, she might have crawled over to him, but she couldn’t. She had to pulled herself up, using the doorknob to her apartment, and slowly make her way over to him. Clover nudged Teresa’s body until it toppled onto the floor, and then she sat down. Heavy, exhausted, she leaned back against the cushions and stared up at the ceiling. “You make me feel loved. You make me feel beautiful. You make me feel strong. I’m not used to this. I’m not used to any of this. Even Raven gets it. She thinks we’re two halves of a whole. It scares me. If it doesn’t make us weak, then what does it make us? Strong? Do you feel strong when I’m not with you?” Clo lifted her head to look at him, as if she were trying to search his facial features for an answer.

“I don’t want to leave you, Jesse. I never want to leave you. I’ll be with you for as long as you’ll have me. I want you to have a family. I want you to have more progeny. If you want Kaelyn, I can get Kaelyn. I can. I’ll find some way. What I’m trying to say is what I’ve said. Without you around, I feel inadequate. I guess I still have growing to do. I have to understand relationships more.” She could have stopped there, and she wanted to stop there, but he’d given up. They were both too willing to give up.

“Please don’t think I want to leave you. Please don’t leave me. Just because I equate these feelings with weakness doesn’t mean I can let them go. Just because I frown on wanting or needing someone doesn’t mean I want to let you go. You didn’t come home and I panicked. That’s the truth. I panicked and I got angry. Raven asked about you and I lost it on her. She tried her best to help me, but I turned it around on her, trying to help her, trying to learn more about her, and trying not to worry about you. I got angry. I got so ******* angry,” she began, stopping to allow the rising irritation to recede, “but it doesn’t matter. I don’t want you to feel suffocated. And I feel like I’m doing that. Am I? Am I not treating you right?” Clover didn’t know how the conversation ended up at such a point, but she wanted the answers to her questions, the same questions she asked over and over again. Was she doing okay? Was she being a good girlfriend? Because she didn’t know what she was doing. “I don’t know what I’m doing,” she laughed, the sound almost forced.


<Jesse Fforde> Clover settled on the couch and Jesse swung his legs over the back of it, settling in beside her. Although he didn’t put his arm around her yet, he did lean against her, the weight of his body heavy. The scent of blood was thicker, here, closer to the source. Or maybe it was because Clover was covered in it. He had to resist the urge to lay her out beneath him so that he could slowly, arduously lick her clean.

“If you weren’t with me, if you left me, then no. I wouldn’t feel strong. I’d be alone,” he said, the last word pregnant with meaning. Alone. Completely, thoroughly, incontrovertibly alone. The others were around, yes. Sometimes he’d come home and Limbo would be alive with company, the members of his small family lingering and lurking, catching up on whatever it was they needed to catch up on. Sometimes it was just a nod as they passed him by, headed for some portal or other. He’d said it to Kaelyn, earlier. And he’d probably said it to Clover, too. Limbo was a glorified Way Station. It was a tool. No one hung around because it was any kind of home to them, and they certainly didn’t come to find Jesse. He knew he couldn’t expect people to always come to see him, and that it was a two-way street. But sometimes, he got sick of being the only one reaching out.

“I don’t have to be with you to be with you. I know you’re here. I know I can summon you on a whim. I know I can come home to you. I know that if I miss you, I can pull out my phone and text, and you’ll answer. Yes, I feel strong even when we’re at opposite ends of the city because I know we’re still together,” he said. They couldn’t be together every second of every night.

“You’re not suffocating me and you treat me better than I deserve to be treated, sometimes. I just. We talked about this. Not even two nights ago. You know what I’m still trying to achieve even though it’s like… climbing a really steep ******* hill with no crest. And you just kicked it in the dirt. And then I see how devoted Raven is to you, how much she actually enjoys your company. If I could only have just a sliver of that…” he sighed and rubbed at his face with his hands, shaking his head.

“But it’s not all your fault. You didn’t drive them all away single-handedly and even before Kaelyn overheard you, she was more Doc’s than ours. There’s no point. I keep saying it but this time I mean it,” he said, his hands dropping uselessly to his thighs.


<Clover> But she did drive them away. That’s what she heard. That’s what she understood. Clover had aided in ruining what it was that Jesse wanted so much, and she wasn’t even certain that she could repair the damage. Despite her previous certainty and her forced optimism, she knew she had no control over the situation; Clo couldn’t force Kae to think or feel specific thoughts or emotions. Clover couldn’t bring Victor back. Clover couldn’t bring Kenny back. And did she honestly aid in destroying those bonds? Was she so terrible that they couldn’t bear to be around her?

“Yeah,” she answered, the response as vague as she’d hoped. Lies ended disagreements, and that’s exactly what she wanted to do--Clo wanted to end the disagreement and sweep everything under the proverbial rug, as usual. “Do you,” she had to stop and swallow, her mouth suddenly so dry. The scent in the air was forgotten, but the texture of the drying blood, the stiffness of her clothing, reminded her of the bodies. Her eyes strayed to the severed arm, and she felt like throwing up. She didn’t want him leaning against her. She didn’t want him seeing her. “Do you really think I helped drive them away? I’ve tried. I’ve tried getting along. I tried with all of them. Marian. Rhett. Dhara. Victor. Paige. All of them that I’ve met. And you know how I am with new people. You know how I can be with parties. What do you want from me? It’s not my intention to chase them away. They just leave. You could give everything to them and they’d still be just as ungrateful and just as absent.”

[Raven Talius]

<Clover> Clo lifted her hand and pressed her palm over her face. With only the one hand, she still had a partial view of the ceiling, and she traced imaginary lines there, trying to calm herself, trying to dissect her thoughts. “I can’t win, can I? I sire childer, and I think I’ll help this family grow. They become reclusive. And before that, I’m just too possessive. I wanted to share. I wanted you to get along with Raven. I thought you would. I really did. I can’t help that you two aren’t getting along. I can’t help that she and I are getting along so well. I want what’s best for you. You know that, don’t you? I just **** everything up.” Her hand slid from over her face and she sat up. Forearms resting atop her thighs, she leaned forward and looked down at the floor. Clo admired the shallow puddle of blood and the trail that led to the door of her apartment. By then, the body had begun the cooling process.

She didn’t know how he would react, but she took a chance. Without looking at his face, she reached over and placed her hand atop one of his. Their fingers weren’t intertwined; she didn’t bother trying to curl her fingers against his. She just placed her palm atop his hand and allowed her hand to rest there. “I turned three people before I found Raven, before I saved her life. I saw a glimpse of her past that few, if any, saw. If she ever left me for Doc, I think I’d forget the others and refuse to sire again. But that’s not the right answer. The right answer is to respect the decision and always be there, regardless. Blood is blood. Water is water. No matter what, Kaelyn will always be a part of this family. There’s one thing that Doc can never have.” Clo lightly squeezed his hand then.


<Jesse Fforde> These were things that rested precariously on the tip of his tongue, but he forced them all back. How could he voice them out loud after Raven’s parting? She’d tried to hide it, but he could see that she was crying. In that last minute she’d shown him the most respect than he’d seen from her thus far. It was clear that she cared about Clover, and maybe she didn’t mean him any respect at all. Maybe it was all for Clover. But how could he get angry at Raven when he’d just tried to explain her actions to Kaelyn?

Clover defended herself and Jesse just blinked at her. He shook his head. “I didn’t say you’d driven them away. I didn’t say that was your fault. I know you try. You try harder than—“ he bit his tongue. No, he wouldn’t bring her name up. He shook his head. It didn’t matter. “All I’m saying is that Kaelyn was the last one standing. I don’t think it’s your fault at all. I used to say it all the time, and it really caused me damage, then, but it’s not your fault. There’s something wrong with me. There’s got to be something wrong with me. They never stick, and even you feel inadequate when you’re with me. What if it’s the same thing? Humans can’t stand to be near me. What if I’m only doing you damage just by being close?” he asked, airing his concerns out loud, now that they were alone.

He wanted to reassure Clover, to take her in his arms and purr in her ear, and tell her everything was okay. Should he tell her how he hated Raven’s disrespect and disregard, and the fact that Clover forgave it, and even seemed to encourage it? All he wanted was a cohesive family, one that treated each other with respect and at least listened to him when he advised them. Clover had sired someone who didn’t listen to anyone. Clover was the only one who could control her, and yet he wondered whether Clover had ever said a thing to Raven about her disrespect.

“You know, I didn’t take Kaelyn’s side. You accused me of that. I explained to her that both you and Raven have your reasons for being the way you are. I told her she shouldn’t expect you both to trust her overnight, given your past experiences. She wants a happy family and I told her it wasn’t something I could provide. I don’t think it’s anything this family could ever provide. I don’t think we’re fit to even be called family. Let’s just do away with that word completely…” he said. The words weren’t uttered angrily. They were forlorn, dejected. Not infused with the same violent depression as before, but there was a fair whack of disappointment. He really, really needed to try to let it go.

His gaze dropped to Clover’s hand over his; hers was covered in blood, and his was clean. He turned his palm so that their fingers could tangle together. “I told Kaelyn that, too – we were always going to have disagreements, but she would always have a home here. But this doesn’t feel like home to her. She doesn’t agree,” he said.


<Clover> “You said I kicked dirt on it, Jesse. What the **** else does that mean? That I spit on it? That I ruined the last good thing that you had going for you? It means that. I don’t see how it meant anything else, that you mean anything else,” she frowned, her expression a mixture of disappointment and anger, aimed at him and aimed at herself. How had words shared between her childe and herself managed to ruin something for someone else? It wasn’t fair. Then again, life wasn’t fair. Being a vampire wasn’t fair. Nothing seemed to be fair.

Clo relaxed once again, her shoulders slumped, and turned her head to admire the way their fingers intertwined. He’d made the move, not her. At least they were recovered enough to share that touch. She’d hesitated. She’d been unsure if they were comfortable enough with one another. “I always compare myself to her. Every second of every night, I compare myself to her. What would she have done? What would she have said? And I try to do better, to be better. I want this family to be better too, but...you’re my family. You’re it. I want these things because you want these things. I want to support you.”

Her words communicated that she cared for him more than she cared for the family, that if he gave up, she gave up. He’d said a lot, and she found it hard to take in all that he’d said. His words were fluid, and he moved from one topic to the next, just as he remained on the same line of thought. She just couldn’t respond to everything he said. She didn’t know how. “If there were something wrong with you, I wouldn’t be here right now. I would have left a long time ago. I wouldn’t want you as much as I do,” she mumbled. “I’m telling you that there’s nothing wrong with you. They leave or they fail to prosper because of themselves, not you. Humans can’t stand to be around you because you exude something I just can’t describe. Maybe it’s your confidence, maybe it’s just the fact that you seem so sure of yourself. Your public persona is something I admire. And I admire it just as much as I admire this one. Right now.”

Clover didn’t know if she meant to comfort him or meant to comfort herself, but she felt as if she were failing. He thought something was wrong with him, just as she felt something was wrong with her. The words were there, but she didn’t feel the need to utter them. “I’ll talk to her. I’ll do what I can to try and fix this. I just don’t...I don’t think I care about her. I don’t think I care about much of anyone. I’m so disappointed. I’m tired of being let down. I don’t know how you handle it. I don’t know how you continue to hope or why you continue to try. I just don’t know.”


<Jesse Fforde> He’d tell Clover the same thing. Always. They’d have their disagreements, but that didn’t mean he loved her any less. What was it that Raven had said? They balanced out each other’s negatives. He had to have hope where Clover had none. They had to reassure each other and dismiss each other’s failings. And yet Jesse hadn’t done that. He had accused Clover of kicking dirt on the one thing he wanted, and he couldn’t take it back. And it wasn’t something he was going to apologise for. Hadn’t she just confirmed it? She didn’t care about anyone else but him. He was her family. Wanting something because he wanted it wasn’t the same thing.

And yet, when she’d finished, Jesse laughed. She admired him, as he was right now? She told him she didn’t know how he did it, how he kept trying, but hadn’t he already said it tonight? “I’m not trying anymore. That’s it. That’s the last straw. I give up. You can’t possibly admire me right now,” he said, shaking his head incredulously. But, he supposed she was referring to the raw part of him. The heart and soul that he showed only to her.

“I’m tired of it, too,” he said, lifting their intertwined fingers so that he could brush his lips over Clover’s knuckles; equal parts wanting to show affection, and wanting to taste the stale blood that lingered there. He did it by instinct, by habit. Her hand was there, and what else was he supposed to do with it? Afterwards, his thumb absently pushed at the dried blood, the flakes drifting to the couch beneath them, or to the denim of his jeans. “Which is why I’m going to stop investing in it. It’s unhealthy. And I don’t want to regress. I don’t know what triggered it before, but I don’t want it to happen again,” he said. It. Clover would know what he was referring to.

“And I don’t want you to feel inadequate. Can you explain it to me? I think I get the gist, but I need you to explain it to me again. Calmly. Why do you feel inadequate?” he asked, lifting his eyes from Clover’s hand to her face, sharp-blues peering with a hard kind of curiosity.


<Clover> He was too dismissive, both with himself and with everything around him. Clover wanted to take him in her arms and hold him so tight that they could experience what it truly meant to be breathless, but she remained as she was. They remained as they were. His lips brushed over her skin; her eyes focused on his face. His laughter made her frown, as if he were the one kicking dirt on her, allowing his laughter to wrap around her words, and by extension, her feelings. The sound itself made her feel as if he were suffocating them both. And yet she welcomed the noise, despite the fact that she assumed it was riddled with sarcasm, riddled with negativity.

“No,” she interjected. “I’ll explain it to you, but you listen to me. I said I admire you, and I meant it. You can’t give up, because it’s not that easy. You can say it, but the feeling is still there. It’s the same thing I felt for Crimson, and it’s the same thing I feel for my other three childer. I just had to say that.” She finished in an awkward way, as if she’d said something as ordinary, as mundane, as the temperature outside. There was a possibility that her words influenced him, and she hoped so. Clo hoped that he listened to her and took what she said to heart.

And she knew, when he skipped over her comment about him being her family, that she’d said something wrong. Just as she felt that her relationships made her weak, she felt as if she’d ruined his family. He said that he thought something was wrong with him, but she felt as if it were all her. Grey. Victor. Renee. Ursa. If she’d gone sooner, maybe things would have been different. Maybe the activity the family once had would have continued. More importantly, maybe Kaelyn wouldn’t have gone. Instead of voicing those thoughts, Clo chose to keep them to herself. In the future, after their conversation, she’d admit the things to her journal. She’d use her safe space, and she’d scrawl her doubts and fears onto a fresh page, a place where she wouldn’t have to look him in the eye and tell him that she thought she was the problem. Clover and Raven were really too similar.

“I feel inadequate, because I feel as if,” she sighed and let her eyes wander in another direction, one that let her avoid looking into his eyes, “as if I’m incapable of being a whole person. I feel like I’m a failure, without you. I can’t make proper decisions. I can’t convince anyone to do something for you. I can’t fix this...I can’t fix the family. I can’t apologize enough. I’m too dependent on you. I feel like I’m weak for caring. I feel like I should care less than I do. The things Raven said were great. I enjoyed hearing them. But they made me feel like I’m just nothing without you. I’m something. I’m someone. Am I making any sense?” Clo moved her other arm so she could pinch at the bridge of her nose, but she remembered she had no hand. She lowered it, resting her forearm back onto her thigh.


<Jesse Fforde> Jesse was silent. The first part of Clover’s answer he chose not to acknowledge. He wasn’t going to argue with her, but nor was he going to give in. He wasn’t going to tell her that she was right and that he wouldn’t give up. And he wasn’t going to keep repeating it. When he opened up to Clover, more often than not he just wanted to get the words out. He wanted to tell someone. He didn’t do it for the reassurance, or because he wanted her to convince him otherwise. It was just something she needed to know. Something he needed to say. Just like she needed to say her piece. He’d told the truth. He feared a regression. And he didn’t want that again. He didn’t want to be so depressed, and so suicidal. This was bad enough.

And he was concerned. Never, ever would he tell Clover – but when she said she just wanted him, it reminded him of Grey. Wasn’t that what Grey had always said? Just before she became a complete recluse, never conversing or socialising with anyone outside of Jesse. Never coming to the gatherings. Never reaching out. She went to work and she stayed home and that was her life. Even when Jesse repeatedly told her that he needed to get out of the house, she wouldn’t come. She just wanted to stay indoors. He would never mention this to Clover because he couldn’t believe that she would ever descend to such depths. They went out all the time. She got as restless as he did. Even more so. She helped to organise the ******* parties, sometimes. It was a knife that Clover did not need.

When Clover explained her inadequacy, Jesse could only smile. A smile that started as a mere twitch but soon grew. It wasn’t a negative smile, nor was he laughing at Clover. It was almost relief written into an expression.

“Then we’re inadequate together, by that definition,” he said. “I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you. I’d be dead. Or all of this would be a burnt out husk and I’d be living in the sewer somewhere with my plants and my snakes,” he said, gesturing to the vast space around them. “I can’t convince anyone to do anything either. I can’t fix the family. I’m dependent on you, too. On your surprises. Your restlessness fuels my own. We don’t define each other, though. We’re not yin and yang. If we were yin and yang one of us would be pure with a bit of a bad, and one of us would be the devil with a bit of good. But we’re both as bad as each other. I’d be lost without you but that has nothing to do with feeling like I’m not my own person without you. Maybe there’d just be no point. But you are your own person. There’s so much of you that has influenced so much of me. And that’s all you. That’s got nothing to do with me,” he said, and then he sighed, scratching at the back of his head.

It was his turn to feel like he wasn’t explaining himself properly.


<Clover> The fact that he focused on her explanation of her own inadequacy let her know that the previous topic was off limits, that he’d had more than enough of that portion of the conversation. Clo couldn’t blame him, and she’d shared all she could about her view and her opinion. Silently, knowingly or unknowingly, they’d agreed to disagree, and Clo felt as if they’d never touch the subject again. Once should have been enough. But they’d broached the subject three times, if her memory served her correct--then again, she often brought up her own fears about her little portion of the family.

Clover shook her head at the thoughts, using her time to stuff them to the back of her mind. Jesse’s smile helped her move on, as out of place as the expression was. At first, she wasn’t able to tell if he was mocking her; Clo couldn’t tell if his smile was meant to be dismissive of her words and feelings. And yet, when he spoke, she understood. He found some amusement in her words, because they shared some basic understanding. They both felt similar emotions.

By definition, being inadequate should have been a bad thing. Neither of them should have wanted to feel inadequate. But as he spoke, Clover slowly felt herself wanting to be inadequate. Inadequate took on a new meaning, one filled with the promise of strength and the mastery of adversity. They weren’t two halves of a whole, but two wholes coming together and creating something more than that. They really weren’t yin and yang. In fact, they were none of the things Clover feared.

“Okay,” she answered, her response rather lame in comparison to his. “I get it.” And she did understand. She did get the message. Perhaps they were dependent on each other, but they were more than their dependency. Being dependent didn’t necessarily mean being incapable, being less than a whole. They chose dependency, just as they chose independence. It wasn’t exclusive. There were times for one and times for the other. “I think I get it,” she reiterated, trying to reassure him. “I’ll try to keep these things in mind. I’d try to share what I’m thinking, but it’s corny, and I’d rather shoot myself than say what I’m thinking. I’ll, uh, say,” she paused, “I love you.” The words were run together, like she was spitting out one single word rather than three, but there was less hesitation and more certainty. “Does this mean we’re not arguing anymore? I said I’d try to fix things, and I’m no longer jealous. There’s a dead body in the apartment. We have Teresa. I can show you how I dispose of bodies.”


<Jesse Fforde> “I know how you dispose of bodies,” he said, blinking at Clover before he blinked at Teresa with a frown. It really was a waste, and he really was ******* starving at this point. But, that wasn’t new. He swallowed past the thirst and turned back to Clover, frown dissipating. “I say corny **** all the time. One of these days, you should return the favour,” he said. His fingers pawed at the corner of her jaw as he pressed his lips to hers. A quick kiss, as their foreheads bumped. “And I love you,” he said, each word pronounced clearly, with a definite and genuine certainty.

Although she had tried to reassure him, it hadn’t worked as well as it could have. But, he would think about it. He would try to explain himself in a better way; a way that illustrated how perfectly strong he was in Clover’s absence because of her absence. It even sounded ludicrous in his head. But it had something to do with trust, didn’t it? He felt strong because he trusted that she would be there for him. His thoughts were going around in circles, and he chose to let it go, in much the same way Clover had. She had changed the subject, and forced their attention to the bodies.

“We’re not arguing anymore. And if it can’t be fixed, it can’t be fixed. It was broken already. You’re missing a hand – and unless you’ve changed the way you dispose of bodies, I need to help you to chop them up into separate pieces, right? To put in garbage bags and feed to the river…?” he said. It was a statement, but intoned with a question. Was he remembering correctly? Or were there no garbage bags in her scenario? Whatever the case, he was willing to help clean up the mess that Clover and Raven had made, and he would enjoy himself while doing so. To help carve the bodies into small pieces might go some way to satisfying his own frenzy.