I'm sorry I wrote in your book. I am sorry that I am still writing in it. You've been back for two nights now and I am so happy. But I am still mad. And yet, I am not sure if I actually am mad. Confused, in shock? Believe it or not, I am not used to feeling such strong emotions.
I think what hurts the most is I have not even adjusted to being... well this. And then you died. Over something stupid. And that was a new shock. And now you are back, which makes me happy, but at the same time, I cannot seem to get back on the path and moving on with my life.
It is like something still lingers, still clings to my mind and I do not know how to shake it off. I am certain I will get over it.
Don't be sorry you wrote in this old thing. I don't write in it a lot, so there's a lot of pages to share. Besides, if it helped you cope, then that's all that matters.
Things are different since I've been back. I can't explain it. Not with us. Not with you. For me. With me. I don't know what I'm saying. I did a lot of thinking while I was in that place. I just kept thinking about you. About things that haven't been discussed with certain people in regards to certain events.
I'm not happy or pleased about a lot of things. But no one seems to care. You never met Jesse before the night you met him because he was going through some stuff and couldn't be around humans. You never met anyone else in Fforde because the one time I tried to invite you somewhere I got my head bit off because you're a human. A dangerous human. Against an entire family of vampires. Or some other supposed imminent danger that never cropped up. It's all just excuses and crap in my mind.
I don't understand how everyone can make a big deal about some average human being at a place for a few hours, but a person of some family that's our enemy, I guess, can be in a place family members are at. I don't understand that logic. Helpless human in a room of super strong and super fast vampires for a couple of hours, versus a potentially dangerous vampire who might bring other potentially dangerous vampires into our home.
It bothered me at first. But now?
I don't care.
Everything's always been against you and me since the get go. I'm just going to walk away from that and focus on what's important. You. Me. Us.
I was human. I'm not any more. That still takes some getting used to. Though I have managed to be able to drink coffee. Which is nice. I can't taste it, which is strange, but I can feel that it's hot and it makes me feel a little more normal.
There are things I just can't adjust to. Like not seeing my own reflection. That's strange. And the blood thing is still taking some adjusting. I am just glad you weren't upset that I tried human blood at the party. That was fun. The party I mean. I enjoyed being able to go out some where with you and not worrying about what any one thinks.
I've noticed I am still very paranoid about you being gone. I especially hate it when I wake up and you are not there. I panic. I'm afraid when I can't find you immediately. I do not know what's wrong with me. I shouldn't be so nervous about you leaving. You've always had a job and so have I. But there are times I just wish we didn't work and I could hide you away from the world. Which is not fair to you. I am sure I will get over it. I think it was just that it was one shock on top of another, all too soon.
I like your plan though, to focus on us. We should take a trip some where again.
I'm sorry.
I know I've been quiet and reserved. It has not a single thing to do with you. It's all on me.
Dhara, I still love you. I feel like I need to say that first before progressing on. I don't think you would freak out or think I don't. Ever since that whole death thing...things have been different. Not with you. Not with us.
I'm just not sure what to do or what not to do anymore. I want to do some things, but what if those things kill me? I can't disappear again from your life. Not for a night. Not for two, and definitely not a week. It's not acceptable.
I feel like I've become afraid of my own damn shadow lately. And when I sit there and think about going to the slums or the catacombs...I think of the risk and I think about dying again. Being without you. You without me. Then the whole night slips by and soon I'm just too tired to do anything. To even move. Maybe not too tired. Just too...scared to do those things.
I hope I get over this soon. This isn't who I am. Not really. I don't want to be this person; this man for you. He's a coward. I think I'm just feeling guilty for leaving you. I'm sorry I've been anything but myself lately. I'm going to try and pull my head from my *** now. Some way or another.
I'm not sure why I brought this with us. All I know is I did. And I saw what you wrote on the 10th. The day before we got engaged. Then we got married two days later. And now I wonder, did it happen because of this? Because you're afraid of leaving me alone?
I don't know what your reasons are. All I know is that we're married. And we're on our honeymoon. And, to be perfectly honest, being married to you isn't going to make it any easier to have you die again. Don't you understand? The closer we get, the harder the idea of leaving you. Of loosing you. Of you dying and leaving me alone again.
If you thought it was hard before, you haven't seen any thing yet. All I know is that I'm your wife now, and I'm not going to let go. But you can't let fear hold you back. If you let fear control you, you'll miss out on a lot of fun and amazing things.
I love you. And now I'm you're wife. You're stuck with me. And frankly, if the worst were to happen and you died again, I'd be here, waiting. Just like last time.
What I've written prior to the engagement and us getting married has nothing to do with leaving you alone. I think. It's difficult to explain. I don't want to leave you alone. Even if we didn't get engaged or married-I wouldn't want to leave you alone. And now that we are married, I also do not want to leave you alone.
Does that make sense? I hope it does.
Regardless of you saying yes, or no, I don't want to leave you alone. It's not because we're married, or just because I'm your sire. Though, those reasons do apply to the thought process. But I don't want to leave you alone, because I would miss you. Because things wouldn't be the same. And finally, because I love you. I can't-I won't walk away from you. From what we have. Maybe whatever we have is disposable because we live forever and because there might be someone like me, or someone better than me out there for you one night. I don't know how this works since we live for a really long time.
I think I'm rambling on. I don't mean to. I just want you to know that I didn't marry you just because I don't want you to be alone. No, I do not, not want you alone. I don't think any of this is coming out right. I don't want you alone. I want you with me for however long that might be. I don't want to intentionally hurt you by dying. And that's what I did. And if I do things that put me at risk, then I'm doing that again.
I'm going to shut up now. I will. After I say this.
Dhara, I just want you for me, for however long that is.
I noticed in Fforde that Jesse commented on a monthly milestone. Does being married one month and some change count as a milestone? Should we have done something? Do you want to do something? Forget it. We should do something. Let's do something.
We don't have to leave the city necessarily, it's spring now. There's got to be stuff to do in the spring time that we both will enjoy. Let's plan something.
There's all this noise in my life that never used to be there. Noise being metaphorical.
I'm a role model, but I can't be everyone's role model. I didn't sign up for that, it's not my responsibility. I'm different, but it's okay to be different. I'm okay with being different. I'm okay with not fitting in. I'm okay with finding my own way, and finding a place to fit in. People to fit in with.
Too much time has gone by, people change. We've all changed. The person I was last year, I'm not. I can't be. I want to be, but I can't be. So now what?
I'm going to find a way to do the things I enjoyed doing before all this noise from strangers entered my life and distracted me. Starting with baseball. I shouldn't have to give it up. I'm not going to give it up. The kids need an escape, and I need to never forget where I've come from. Then expanding back to the professional side of things. Maybe a new district, but someone has got to be willing to hire someone who only wants to work nights. A place where there are no rotating shifts. I'm sure I can find something, or pull some strings somehow. It's time to get up and stand up and stay up.
I've not gotten much further on what it is I wanted to do. I'm still looking for a space to buy. I can't tell how this is going to end in theory. Not now. A place that is only open at night time, or an owner only seen at night time? I heard some guy at the Metro saying people should find out who the vampires are and make them have tags or chips or something. Like people did to the Jews, or the Japanese.
It's fucked up. That's what it is. What some people are saying and thinking. I'm just a regular guy, minus the whole blood thing, but I mainly drink packs, or get some blood from the butcher shop. It's not hurting anyone.
While I was there, some woman gave me some money. Not some. A lot. Fifty thousand dollars. Maybe she meant to only give me five thousand. That's still a lot of money. I have to track her down. She also bought me a drink, which was given to the girl sitting to the right of me. I haven't been able to touch the stuff since I was made into this. Into a vampire. It was a nice thought and gesture though. Fifty thousand dollars would help me get better financing for the business I want to hopefully open one day. Still no name on it yet, but since I haven't found the right space for it yet, I guess it's not a big hurry to make a name up. Back to pounding more pavement.
I bought a place last night. It needs a good gutting out and some reno's but I finally found a location and got a steal of a deal. I owe the guy big time. Right now it's still got the sign of the place it used to be, but I've decided on a name finally. Retrokade. Yeah, it's spelled wrong. I put the letter K in there for my last name. So there's a little piece of me in it, since I know it's going to take a lot of me and my time to make it what I hope it will be.
I decided one section of the place will be geared towards old school arcade games, while the majority of it will have an indoor skate park, and bating cages. I'm trying to take everything slow, painfully slow as to make sure everything is done right. I don't want to let a bunch of youths down and I don't want trouble at my door for what I am. If anyone figures it out that is.
Yeah, apparently we're all in the spot light right now. Some idiot got caught and now everyone knows vampires are a real deal sort of thing. I'm not overly worried about it. I think I've fed off of five humans my entire time as a vampire, and I've never gone out of my way to terrorize them, antagonize them or do anything to manipulate them or hurt them. Sure, I can do that, but I remember my dad telling me in high school that with having a lot of power and influences, comes great responsibility or something close to that. Or maybe it was book we had to read. That's probably more the case. Anyways, I want everything to be done as normal as possible. I need to stay off any angry people's radars and stay alive for Dhara's sake too.
