A Year of Reflections

[Adelita (DELETED 5973)]

It’s a shame I don’t have to breathe again to survive. For the first time in my life, I feel as if I can breathe again. It’s ironic, sort of, isn’t it? I’ll just take a deep breath in anyways and let it out slowly. There. Just like that.

My life has always been controlled and manipulated by someone. If anyone reads this and knows my story, they’ll probably think I’m a big, spoiled, whiny brat. “Life must have been tragic and difficult for you. With all that money, cars, clothing and jewelry you had growing up.” And maybe I am some of those things. Maybe I am all of those things. But, walk a day in my shoes and see if life is as glamorous as Hollywood and TMZ portrays the daughter of a rich man to be.

I had one singular friend growing up. A cousin. I did not choose for her to be my best friend, or to share the growing up process with me. She was always there. Even when I didn’t want her to be there. It was for my own safety, I was told. One day, I could have the friends I wanted. When I was older and wiser.

I could not date. It was an inconceivable notion. I could not show interest in any men when I became older, or they would have their employment with mi padre terminated. I was not for just anybody, I was for somebody. I was for somebody that mi padre picked. The person with the most appeal for the Delgado household. I was nothing but a bargaining chip for mi padre.

Mi padre was a very bad man. I knew it, but I never knew how bad he was until I met Remington and Godric. I guess when things happen outside your large estate walls, it’s easier to keep your eyes closed and pretend things on the outside aren’t happening. Not while you take trips around the world, and get gifted exclusive designer clothing from a well known designer every few months. Life outside ceases to exist. Until something hits close to home and those pretty eyes that looked through rose tinted glasses started seeing things for how they really were.

Thank you, Godric for opening my eyes. I would tell you this in person, but I do not think we will ever see the other again. And even if we do encounter the other, I doubt I will ever thank you anyways. You were the best thing that ever happened to me then. I don’t know if I ever loved you, but I loved us. The things we did. We had some of the best nights together, even if I wanted to strangle you for your cocky attitude. You gave me my first taste of real freedom, even if mi padre found out about us in the end. Regardless, you opened my eyes to the man I believed could do no real wrong to those he should do no wrong to, and painted a different picture. You painted the truth, but with that clarity, my life had altered.

I don’t know when life changed for the worst. Was it the night I learned the truth about mi padre? When things were put into motion? Or was it the night I was turned into a vampire by Remington? It’s so difficult to tell, as everything happened so fast. It had to happen fast because I wanted it to. Had I died, would my cousin had died? Would all my friends had died? Or was it written, destined, to be the fate of us all? Every person dead during my engagement party? Was it because of mi padre, or was it because of me? Was it my haste and desperation to escape the reaches of mi padre that condemned me to my dark fate?

[Adelita (DELETED 5973)]

It’s also ironic that I can have a life that is truly mine, even though I am lifeless.

I obviously couldn’t stay in Mexico. Not with the DEA freezing my family’s assets and seizing everything they could the second things went south. And if not for those reasons, then for the fact that I really had no choice. Remington sired me, and Godric was a vampire too. They knew how to live this life. I didn’t. I didn’t know how to be a vampire. I didn’t know any other vampires but them. I had to leave the only place I knew and most of my possessions behind and come to a place I had never even heard of. Harper Rock.

I hated having nothing. Nothing familiar. Nothing but a few dollars, and two changes of clothes that weren’t even my best clothes. Just something grabbed, and tossed in a bag before driving off to Harper Rock with two men that had changed my life. Two men that gave me a life, whether it was intentional or not. I have not yet discovered the reason as to why Remington sired me, when he could have left me there to die.

Sometimes, I think he should have left me there to die. It would have been easier on all of us. One less tie to to a person. One less tie to this city. And what of Godric? I can assume he’s either back in Mexico doing the typically dangerous things he did while we met, or he’s dead. I’m thinking the latter because if he went back, I know God would have said something smart mouthed to me before he left. His usual, I don’t care attitude, but I do care, subtly.

I know all the crappy situations I’ve found myself in where ninety-five percent my doing. When I came here, I stole from some not so nice men, I broke a lot of laws, was careless with what I was doing with my powers or feeding and made a few enemies by pissing the right, or wrong people off with my temper. Not the smartest moves, but I was angry. I was relocated and practically dumped here without a second thought. I only knew how to channel that anger negatively. I wanted to hurt people as badly as I hurt. I told you things would have been easier had I just been left for dead.

But I’m not.
Okay, I am technically dead, but I’m not in that place anymore. The place we go to when we’re dead, the real kind of dead. The dark, dismally depressing place.

After Godric, there were a slew of mistakes and time wasters, minus one. Elighan. Sometimes, he reminds me of Godric. Before I sired him. Now, I don’t even recognize the man I moved in with after knowing him for a couple days, then screwing him not long after that while he was still human. I guess I can’t blame him. I did try to poison him and then did kill him in the end, but he should just get over it. Had I not done that, he wouldn’t be with some girl name Cali. I sired him for selfish reasons, so what sort of relationship can I honestly expect to have with him? But it felt good to do something for me, do something that I wanted, just like when I started my business a couple weeks before siring Elighan.

I liked that feeling, I liked feeling as if I was creating something instead of destroying it. I could destroy something in a matter of minutes on a whim, but to make something that would require energy night after night and see it last for more than a night or two felt really, really good. Because I did it. Not mi padre, not some already established low life drug dealer. Me. I did it all. Call me selfish, and maybe I am, but I’ve always been someone’s accessory and for once, I wasn’t an accessory. What good is a purse if you don’t have the right shoes to go with it? What good is a scarf if it doesn’t blend with the blouse? No, I was a whole outfit when I made Origenes and it felt so good to be so put together.

So I have to do something with this life. This unlife. I’m not a purse, a simple pair of Jimmy Choo’s or a designer scarf. I’m a goddamn couture dress that’s waiting to be shown on the catwalk. That’s ready to reveal its identity. I’m ready for my own identity. Ready to let go of all the anger and resentment I have towards Remington, and towards all the people that attempted to screw me over, while I was screwing them over.

I was Adelita Delgado, sired by Remington Rothfelder of the Andras familia last year. But this year? I don’t know who that woman is anymore. She died. I’m not sure when she died. It wasn’t in Mexico, but it wasn’t one particular thing. It wasn’t Godric’s sudden and mysterious absence. It wasn’t getting removed from Andras, it wasn’t Remington’s disappearing act either and it wasn’t any particular torrid love affair either.

Or maybe I am wrong. Maybe she didn’t die. Maybe she evolved. I don’t know who she will be in the years to come, but she won’t be a Delgado. I’m not mi padre’s accessory. She won’t be tied to Remington anymore-I’m not his accessory either. Vasquez might be fitting. I wonder how Elighan would feel about it.