Sweet Nothings [Lorelai]

[Levi DAmico]

Post backdated to 12th October 2015

Lorelai,

I’ve never been good at writing letters.

For the most part I can attribute it to not having the practice. Sure, writing to people was kind of the thing to do even before emails and text messages. It was something you might have done to a distant relative or if you didn’t have access to a phone, conveying whatever message you needed in verses rather than speech.

The only time I might have written letters was when I was in juvenile detention back in Italy, but the problem was always the same: I had no one to write to and so I just didn’t.

You haven’t met my blood relatives yet and there’s a good reason for that. If they were or are living, it’s probably because they are too ******* stubborn to die and either way, they’re not the type of people you want to have a friendly chat with. And where friends count, I’ve probably only ever had the one anyway. You’ve met him as it happens.

I’ve never been good at writing letters, Lori, but I can read them really well.

I don’t know if you’ll hate me for this, but I read your letter to Leo. You left it on the dresser and I’m nosey. I’m a lot of things. A lot of shitty things. I could probably tell you that I didn’t mean to intrude on your privacy, but I wouldn’t want to lie to you. I’m trying to stop doing that as it happens.

You have no idea how hard this is, going against my very nature to suspect every single person of every dark deed imaginable. What makes it worse is, I’ve seen so much and done so much that I can imagine a whole hell of a lot. I know it’s not fair to accuse you, but when I know you lie to me, it makes it harder and harder not to suspect you’re lying about other things, different things, more dangerous things.

But that’s my problem and not yours. And that’s why I wanted to write this for you. The secrets that you’ve kept from me, about the pregnant woman and about your issue with that other side of you, well it could have been a hell of a lot worse. Let me tell you.

These secrets you think are so terrible are dandelions compared to the manure pile and rotting cesspool of my expectations. If I were you, I wouldn’t be ashamed of them. If I wanted something badly enough, I would take it – one way or another. I know we can’t have children now, not in the traditional sense, but we can talk about our options. You and me this time. Together. Hopefully.

As for the other thing. We can figure something out about that too. Just let me know what you want to do and we will get there.

Because I also know you’re better at writing letters and emails than you are at saying what you want to say. I remember how you get tongue-tied and frightened when speaking to me face-to-face. You’re not alone there. A lot of people piss their pants around me. I know I can be intense and unpredictable, but more often than not, volatile.

Believe it or not, I don’t want to be that person to you. I’m just too used to being that person in general. When we met I kept you at arm’s length because I knew I would terrify you, or hurt you, but most likely both. Weird as it sounds, I think from the minute I laid eyes on you, I fell in love with you. I was just too stupid and obnoxious to realise it and far too proud to accept it even when I eventually did.

Things are different now and maybe it’s moving too quickly, but I feel like I have to make up for lost time in a lot of ways. I kept you in limbo for far too long and I understand why you might not trust me because of that, including who and what I am. But I do want you to trust me and I don’t want you to be afraid of confiding in me. I’m not going anywhere and I won’t abandon you. Not now. Not ever. Not unless you want me to.

So if you want to talk, you can always write to me. Leave me a letter or an email, or even a text message if you need to. It might not be conventional, but if it works for us, then I don’t care.

I think you’re making the right decision in writing to Leo, by the way. If it helps you find peace, amore. I encourage you to continue.

Ti amerò per sempre, Lorelai.

I will love you forever.

Regards,

Levi.

[Lorelai]

Lorelai read and re-read Levi’s letter to her while he was out. She didn’t want to read it in front of him and run the risk that she might have to have this conversation in person, even if the words he had written were beautiful and showed her nothing but compassion and acceptance. The timid female was much better at communicating when she didn’t have to look the other person in the eye. Similarly, talking directly into someone’s mind, or in the dark, allowed her the peace she required to speak more freely.

Picking up her pen, she replied to the letter, read it through, folded the paper and left it on Levi’s pillow. She wasn’t sure what he’d do with the letter when he was done with it, but his letters to her would be kept, and so she tucked it away in the back of the book that would contain the letter’s to her son.

---

October 13th, 2015

Dearest Levi,

I think you write very well. You may not have had any practice in writing letters but you write beautifully nonetheless. You are far more talented than you give yourself credit for, Levi. You may always write to me a letter, send me an email or text me Levi. I don't care how we communicate, so long as we do. You are right in saying that I communicate better through written form, than through verbal. I'm not entirely sure why that is, it just is. I'm sure by now you have noticed that I don't scream or shout like most people and that I seldom even raise my voice. I've never been one for theatrics or playing mind games either. I am who I am. This might partially be due to my upbringing, but it might equally just be who I am as a person. I'm not afraid to speak my mind Levi, but my opinion has seldom been required and so I don't tend to speak my mind unless it's truly required of me. I'm sorry if this upset you. I would never intentionally do anything to upset you.

I should probably start this letter in earnest by telling you that I don't hate you for reading Leo's letter. I don't wish to keep secrets from you, and those I have kept, I have kept out of embarrassment or shame. You are most welcome to read anything I write or receive, as you are my man. I wish to share my life with you. All of it. It makes me incredibly happy to hear that you do not desire to lie to me. Open and honest communication can only strengthen our relationship. Of this I am sure you will agree.

I am not a liar Levi, and it hurts to think that you do not trust me. I never lie about anything important. I have kept secrets, this much is true, but I have already explained to you why I did this. I will make more of an effort to keep our relationship secret free from now on, as I do not wish to upset or distress you. I do not want you to doubt me. The secrets you read are the only ones that I am keeping Levi. The only ones that I am aware of and that are mine to keep that is.

I would very much like to discuss our options for children. I would very much like to have a family. I would have loved to have a family in the traditional sense but that is no longer an option for me, for us. I believe adoption is the only option left open to creatures like us, and I would very much like a son. I know he won't be Leo, but I have so much love to give and while I adore you, very much so, the hole Leo left is not one that I believe will ever be truly filled. I am hopeful that having a child, any child, will help the ache that Leo's absence has created within me.

I'm not sure what help to ask for when it comes to my alter ego Levi. I'm not sure she'd allow me to get help. In fact I'm sure she wouldn't. She just told me as much. She doesn't believe we need help. She believes I need help. By which she means that she doesn't always agree with me and that I require her help. I had thought her to be my conscience. She plays the part of the devil on my shoulder, the majority of the time, but she can be the angel too. She's my balance. I think. I just didn't think that things would progress to the point where she could interact through me. That isn't normal is it? To step outside of one’s body and watch what is happening as if you were merely an observer. You have met her, several times, in case you were wondering.

You do not frighten me Levi. You may indeed be intense, unpredictable and volatile, but it is my experience that you are not alone in this. It is I that am different from most, by not being these things. I love you Levi, you have always been good to me, though I will admit I have seen a difference in you since you admitted you love me. I adore the kinder, gentler version of you that only I seem to see. I've never thought of you as a bad person Levi, I have always seen that goodness in you. I'm so glad you accepted your feelings for me. I fought for your attention in the beginning, yes, I will not disagree with you there, but it was more than worth it. You were more than worth the effort. I do not want you to abandon me, now or ever, and I do not believe that things are moving too fast for us. I think we are moving at exactly the right speed for us.

I love you.

Lorelai
xXx

[Levi DAmico]

The Italian had found the responding letter from Lorelai late that night. His normal routine was to come home from work and snuggle with Lorelai on the couch before eventually heading to bed. It might have been routine, but it wasn’t boring or a chore in the slightest to Levi. With his days and nights full of threat and tension, with raised tempers and expectations and the closing jaws of fatality lingering somewhere on the horizon, it was a ******* pleasure to just come home and do something… ordinary. Finding peace in her arms came easily and maybe the reason that Levi never liked to leave their apartment was because it felt safe there – his own secret haven that nobody else could share but them. The Vampiro never had to sleep anymore, and even so, he enjoyed going to bed even if he would spend the hours just watching her find some peace herself. He’d been worried about how Lorelai would take his confession, so when he’d found the letter resting on his pillow he both eagerly and regretfully slipped it into his pocket, determined to read it and maybe write his reply the next time he was in work.

Levi never did like his handwriting because it looked like someone had stapled a pen to a floundering goldfish, but since this was something personal and extremely intimate between them, it didn’t seem right to print off a document for her. Just like the last time, Levi must have sat at his desk for an hour reading her letter and thinking up a response and then another hour trying to make sure his writing was legible, and on account of his pride, ******* flawless. No spelling mistake would be tolerated here, even if this letter was disposable. He’d give her his best use of the English language and maybe a little more Italian too. The ashtray on his desk had to be emptied twice in the time it took for him to write that letter, but once he was done, he secreted it in an envelope hidden in his jacket pocket and would leave it on her dresser attached to a single red rose when he got home tonight.

---

October 14th 2015

Lorelai,

It’s a big relief to know you don’t hate me for reading your letter to Leo. I didn’t know how private it was and apparently it didn’t matter to me because I just wanted to know what was going on in your head that badly.

I think it’s so easy to know someone your entire life and never really know anything about them. So when I found something written in your own words, from your heart, it was far too tempting to read it because I just want to get to know you better. I’m just glad you don’t mind or at least hope you mean what you wrote about not minding. I don’t want you to filter yourself because of me. Even if you think I’m going to get angry or whatever, I want you to talk to me about anything.

I think we understand each other better now, though. I don’t want to upset you either of course and I’m sorry that doubting you does that. It’s not something I can just do away with. It’s an ingrained characteristic, I guess you could say. It’s a habit I’ve learned over time, but it’s a habit I can learn to break in time too. For you. Just give me your patience. I’m trying, I promise.

You’re not like other girls, no. To me it’s a relief, even if I don’t trust this new and unfamiliar thing too quickly. I don’t think you need to raise your voice to get your opinion across. Some of the most powerful people I know are short of words, but you know, when they do speak they are listened to. I will always value your opinion even if I don’t agree with you, and you won’t have to shout or scream to get my attention anyway. I like it best when there’s no one else but us two in a quiet room together, just enjoying each other.

It never even occurred to me to think of kids before us and before you. I’m pretty selfish, you might have noticed that, and I focus a lot on work because it’s what I’m good at. It’s all I’ve ever known too. I had parents, sure, but it wasn’t a family and just thinking about how my father was to me (and still is), I’ve never really liked thinking of myself in that role. Me and him are far too alike and although I think I’ll be like him in that fatherly department too, I still reckon I could do a better job than he did. Work is still very important to me, but so are you. I can probably put things aside even more in the future to focus on us, though the only way I can get out of work completely is to fake my death or something just as extreme.

I can’t really write about that in detail, I hope you understand that. It’s not because I don’t trust you, but things happen that we can’t control and then the bad stuff happens. I don’t mind admitting that I have been feeling like things have been coming to a head for a long while though, and eventually I’m going to have to make a choice between my work life or my life with you. I’m not sure if I can have my cake and eat it too. People are already asking me tough questions and I’m not sure I have that many lies to give them. Some people are too damn perceptive for their own good.

Anyway, I think my instincts are to choose you. I just don’t know how. I’m not even sure I have a choice, but I’m going to do everything I can to stay with you. I want to explore this side of me you bring out because he seems like an ok guy. A guy that might be capable of doing some good even, making you happy and maybe he doesn’t have the magic cure to take away the pain you feel, or the void in your heart, but he might be able to lessen it.

It worries me when you talk about your alter ego having that much control over you, but maybe you can come to some kind of agreement with yourself. Maybe if you make peace, you won’t be at war. Yes, I do know how ironic that sounds coming from me, but you don’t always have to practice what you preach, bella.

As for having met her before, and several times in fact, I’m not sure if I could tell the difference. Sometimes you get a little feisty with me. I recall a time when you came over to my apartment after an argument and you were talking to yourself like you were two different people. I don’t know a time it’s happened after or before. Should I be worried about that? I mean, what does she make you do exactly?

I have to admit, Lori, it makes it difficult for me to come to terms with things and trust you when you are two different people. I know that will probably upset you too, but you want me to be honest, right? Maybe that’s my problem though and not yours again. When you say she’s the devil on your shoulder, I probably have a worse imagination of what that means than you do. Although you might not lie to me about anything, what about this other you? This girl interacting through you might not be as devoted to us as you say you are, and I don’t know what to make of that.

Or maybe I’m just over-thinking things. I don’t know. Probably. I’ve always told myself that if I can consider every angle, I won’t be surprised or caught short by anything. Yet, here I am being surprised and it’s generally because of you. I just hope all the surprises are worth the shock in the end. If you can put up with a guy like me for this long, I think I can make a few sacrifices here and there too.

Neither one of us is normal and I think that’s alright. We’re not perfect, but we’ve got our own thing going and it works for us. I won’t let anyone get in the way of that.

It’s weirdly nice to put some time out of my work schedule to write you a letter, and I do like the replies too. So we can keep this going for as long as you’d like. I’ve asked a few questions, so if you’ve got any for me, now’s your chance.

Ti amo, Lori.

Regards,

Levi.

[Lorelai]

Lorelai smiled to see the letter Levi had left on the dresser for her. Delicate fingers picked up the rose, which she brought to her nose in order to inhale its unique scent. A barely audible sigh left her, as the petals brushed up against her lips. Levi could be quite the romantic when he wanted to be and she considered this for a moment as her fingertips played across the top of the rose. The letter he'd written her was momentarily forgotten while the blonde set about retrieving a small vase suitable for displaying a single bloom. Once the flower was settled and watered, she placed the fragile vessel on the coffee table and went back to her room to see what he had written. Settling on the bed, her legs crossed, she read the note twice through and decided that she would consider her reply before setting pen to paper.

Two nights later, she finally felt comfortable replying.

---

October 15th, 2015

Levi,

Thank you for the rose. I know that I have said this already but I think it bears repeating. It was very sweet of you and I truly appreciate the gesture.

If you ever wish to know what I am thinking, you need only ask. Just please be prepared to be disappointed when you realise that the workings of my mind are not so interesting.

I like to think that I am a patient person, Levi. I am more than willing to earn your trust. You'll learn to trust me, I'm sure. And I think open and honest communication between us will only help you with your naturally suspicious thoughts.

I too enjoy our time together. I'm naturally a house mouse. I like to stay in and be productive at home if I can be, it was the way I was raised. I make an effort to go out and help others though, as it's important to help others when you can. At least I think it is. I like to make sure that those that cannot help themselves, have someone they feel they can rely on, be it for food or conversation.

I don't believe you to be any more selfish than anyone else on this planet Levi. It is my experience of city life that human beings are selfish creatures by nature. It is one of the things we tried to put behind us at Hoshkosh. I think it works there, at home, but I do not believe it would work on a larger scale. You require people of a like mind for such practices to thrive.

I am wondering if you have considered the fact that you might have to fake your death eventually anyway? Eventually the people you are working with will notice that you are not aging, at which point you will need to employ whatever tactic you think necessary to remove yourself from that situation. I am lucky in as much that I work for Prudence and that I can work behind the scenes. My family too now know who, or rather what, I am. I will have to stop visiting my parents at some point so that our neighbours do not suspect anything but I think I have a few years before I have to worry about that, whereupon my parents will have to come and visit me. When the time comes, I do so hope that you choose me. It would hurt me if you didn't. Though I am sure you know this already. You are capable of more goodness than you know Levi, of this I am certain.

My alter ego and I are not at war, we are just often at odds with one another. More often than not she tries to push me to be more assertive. Our approaches are what differ the most. You do not need to worry about whether or not you can trust me, as she would never hurt you either. I would never allow her to do anything to jeopardise what we have with one another. Though honesty, I do not believe she ever would do anything that would require me to step in, as she wouldn't hurt me either. She seems more than happy to flirt with you on the few occasions that she has stepped outside of my mind.

I do not merely put up with Levi. I adore you. I adore our time together. I know you have your moments where you need your space and I try to give you that. I only ask that you remember that I am always here for you.

I have no further questions or comments for you. None that I can think of that is. Should I think of any I will be sure to ask them, whether in person, or in writing.

Yours always,

Lorelai
xXx

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Having finished writing her letter, she placed it in an envelope, which she spritzed in a soft vanilla scent before she placed it on the kitchen counter for him to find.