Little Light

[Jersey]

October, 20th 2015

It's been really quiet lately. I'm not sure I like it. For the most part, I've been keeping to myself. Training, honing my skills in stealing. Some days, I'm better and other days, I manage to completely screw things up. Those are usually the days where I find myself spacing out heavily. It's been weird since my second death, as it's gotten a bit of a stronger pull as a telepath. Occasionally, I hear voices. I don't like much music any more, either. It can give me too much of a headache and I find myself thinking about my old injury.

I avoid brighter lights, try to keep a smile on my face.

Misery, I think, would be the best word to describe how I feel.

I lied to Clover in my email. I don't think I'm okay, but I don't think I'm not, either? I just feel off. I'll be okay in the end though, I know I will. I just have to bounce back. I wonder how Garrett's doing, I'll have to drop by later and check up on him.

The weather is getting colder and Bear's seemingly enjoying it. He likes to go outside and lay in the cooler air while I sit with Mew. Sometimes, I think she spent too much time with the dogs, but she's still my little lady. I bought her a new emerald green collar, though the bow that Peter had put on her for last Christmas sits on her bed. It's weird, to think that it's been that long.

It's sad, too.

I miss food. I miss sweets, mostly. I never liked the texture of the pudding, though, that they served in the hospital so I gave it to Clover when it was vanilla. She misses it, too. Lately, I've been wondering what would have happened had I actually remained human a bit longer than I had. Would I have gotten ill and died, could I have gotten hit by a car? Would I have gone back to school and studied for whatever purpose I felt I deserved?

Every night, I return to the cafe where Peter spilled the hot chocolate down my pants, I wonder what would have happened if I had slapped him and stormed off. According to Austin, that's what I would have done as Marilee Evans, the girl who obsessed over those stupid white jeans. Before he died, that's what he laughed about, the fact I hadn't stormed off. Instead, I made a friendship. Sometimes I order a coffee, other times a hot chocolate. Lucas ends up drinking them, which he doesn't seem to mind, sometimes I wonder if the man even sleeps - he drinks way too much caffeine and sugar.

Maybe Clo'll take me up on the mention of going out and having a girl's night. She can bring a friend, preferably not the asshole I wanted to punch. I see him from time to time.

I think I need more friends.

[Jersey]

October, 23rd 2015

So much for quiet. Well, not that I've minded it lately. The past two evenings, I've hung out with Clover. The other night, we went to a black light party. She spilled paint on my dress which I have yet to get out even with my various tricks of removing stains I never thought wearing white so often could come in handy, but all else fails, it'll become a dress I paint in. And yes, I've taken up painting. There was a class at the University and well, I figured what the hell. It doesn't hurt to learn anything new, right?

Anywho. Today, yesterday. Whichever suits your fancy, I met her family. She invited me to be her plus one at their Halloween party and I went as a flapper, although, I still definitely regret the hem of the dress. It was fun, though. Her sire seemed... nice, although, towards the end of it I want to slap him, Victor, and Clover. Kaelyn and the other girl were nice, as well. We played trivia, Cards Against Humanity I don't think I'll ever be playing that again and I even won once. Did well in the trivia portion, too.

But, towards the end, they made me realize how much I care for my family. Our fights, our arguments. Every one of them mean the world to me, even if I find myself at odds with them.

Imperfections don't make them mistakes, it makes them perfect, to me. Hell, I can't remember much about me, but they haven't treated me awkwardly about it. I still have several hours to make it out to the shelter, like I planned to do, but I may wait to see how long my other errands take me.

Clover's male drama makes my mistake seem significantly smaller in any retrospect and I can't say that I'd rather be in her shoes at all. I know what I want, but I'm afraid to try and see if I can make it happen, to see if he'd be willing to let it happen. It looks like Clo's confused and they're just making her crazy - and I have to hear others thoughts at times.

I think I'm going to try carving one of these pumpkins, though, while I wait for my jeans to dry.

[Jersey]

November 16th, 2015

I'm afraid.

Such a strange thing to admit despite being a vampire, but I am. What am I afraid of the most? Losing everything. Losing Kallista, Kelly, my sisters and Danton. I think about it often when I wake up on the floor in their apartment, laying there on the floor where I had died and find myself looking at my family. Kallista, who had kindly taken me in as her first childe. I remember her tears so clearly, I remember dying in her arms and I can remember the taste of her blood as she fed me it before my heart stopped. Kelly, so strong and smart.

He and I don't talk very often, but I can tell how much he loves Kallista, after all, he does put up with all of us there for her. Nakia, coming into Peppermint when we first met, Danton, who stumps me so often when he speaks sometimes to the point I just want to smack him at times. Finding them with Kallista, dying. Opal, who had been my friend, selflessly walking into traps so we wouldn't have to take them in that raid. I remember the smell of her blood, the nausea that accompanied it.

It scares me to think that any of them could leave, that they could die.

That something could happen to them, to stop them from returning to the apartment.

Night after night.

They’re my family, my blood. I have the occasional nightmare, almost as if I’m back in the shadow realm and they’re just laying on the apartment floor in front of me, gone. Sometimes, it’s more vivid than others. I see Kallista laying there, her mouth open in a silent scream. Kelly having a gun not too far away as he lay in a puddle of blood. Kia and Danton together, Opal laying beside them. I know that our kind do not die that way, that their bodies leave - aside from a killer - but, it terrifies me. I’ve cried a few times because of that fear, because I’m afraid it’ll happen.

Why? Because of that son of a ***** who put a knife in my heart.

I worry for Garrett, I’m afraid of his death. Again. I replay the night I saw him die in my head, I think, what if I hadn’t gotten there to him in time? What if he hadn’t been able to turn? What if I had done it wrong? I feel like I’m failing him as a sire sometimes, that I’m not strong enough to protect him. I couldn’t even protect myself. The vampires that turned him into dinner hadn’t been very old, they had scrammed when they saw me coming, but… what if it hadn’t been enough?

I could feel his life slipping between my fingers...

It scares me to think of Clover dying, too.

Clover and I have been friends before anything, when I was still in the hospital and clueless about everything; about vampires, and fadebeasts, even where I would be staying once I left that miserable place. I can still hear the splat of the pudding as it hit the wall and remember that shriek of the curtain that nurse had caused. It's taken a year, but she and I have begun to spend time together often, maybe it's because she's finally starting to see what it's like to have something to stick around for? I don't know.

Losing Peter completely scares me, too.
I’ve already touched down on that enough in the past, but… it stays there. When he tenses under my touch, I just feel like we’re back to square one and I hate it. I feel like I’ve lost him, we’re friends, but, it feels so strange. Uncomfortable. It doesn’t feel right.

But… the worst part of this fear is, it isn’t only the fear of them dying and never coming back.

I’m afraid that one day, they’ll all just walk away.

Or I’m afraid he’ll come back and take them from me, or hurt me in front of them.

I still feel that knife, a phantom breaking past the flesh and into bone. Piercing my already damaged heart. I can hear the echo of a gun go off, the scream barely let out before I had felt nothing. I worry for my family, for my friends, because I’m afraid. And, I don’t want to become some gun fanatic, or carry a sword everywhere I go.

I just want to not be afraid any more.

Maybe I should talk to Kallista about this. She'd probably know what to do.

Actually, I think I'll do that. Soon.

[Jersey]

November 19th, 2015

I'm starting to feel a bit more like my old self, or what I've learned about my old self. Pushy, impatient. I don't know if I like it, but at least it's doing me some good. Clo helps, suggesting that I embrace it rather than fall to pieces.

I don't know how to bring it up to Kallista that I want to learn to fight, I'm a decent shot but that won't do me any good if I'm disarmed. I'm a little worried about her reaction, what if she says no? Not that I know she wouldn't help me without any hesitation. I know she can pack a punch, literally.

[Jersey]

December 8th, 2015

For once, I don’t know where to start when writing this. A lot has happened since my last journal entry, and that’s a good thing. Well, not all of it is good, but I guess that the good has to happen for the bad to balance out, right? I’m rambling. I’d ask Peter his opinion of where I should start, but I’ve decided to not harass him for the next couple of hours while he works. Shocking, right?

I suppose I’ll start with Clo, first. I worry about her, and by extension, Jesse. He’s gotten sick, according to Clover, but I don’t understand how. Before that, he got munched on by fae and she said he was trying to kill himself, that she wanted to kill him to put him out of his misery. He makes her happy, which makes me happy, but I can’t help but wonder if he’s stable sometimes, if he’s going to be alright and stick around, although I’m sure he will. I hope. He was nice to me when I met him and the rest of the Fforde family that had been gathered at their Halloween party.

Victor… is another story, though he was nice to me - just a dirty pervert. His head needs to be pulled out of the gutter and then steamed.

The man was putting away booze like I’ve seen old ladies stash free samples at the mall into their purse when I walk around the mall on break. I don’t like the way that he treats Clover, either. Honestly? If I were treated that way, I’d probably punch him. He seems like a constant dark cloud. Maybe all I see and hear is the negative? I don’t know. Kaelyn’s apparently being rude to her lately, as well, and you’d think that people would knock off their ******** to help out Clover and Jesse, but apparently not.

Seems family, regardless of the line, doesn’t always differ from others.

She sired, too. Two people, Nona and Okoro . It’s good for her, I think. She needs people around her other than me and Jesse. Maybe it’ll get her social, I can only hope. I worry. Clover isn’t exactly the nicest person, and I have seen her kill more than I particularly like to admit.

I remember thinking at the Halloween party how much I’m happy for her to have them after what she went through with Zach and losing June, being accused of murdering her. The way they fought actually made me feel just a bit better about what I’ve seen with my own line, but they were her home, you know? It was nice seeing that she had someone other than me caring for her, looking after her. I checked in on her a lot without saying anything. Maybe it’s because when I was human, I only had her looking out for me for a while, and then Peter before I met Kallista.

She’s my sister, so I owe her.

And, speaking of owing her… I took her advice of stop chickening out and pushing a little bit; in the end, it actually paid off. Peter and I are back together, and I couldn’t be happier. It felt wrong without him, not having him there beside me. I don’t know what it is about this man, but he makes me feel… I don’t know how to describe it. Whole? Complete? I don’t know. It sounds cheesy. I know Peter thinks that I left him because of his OCD and that he likely still thinks I’ll leave him because of it, but I made a mistake leaving him. I’m not about to, again, either.

I feel safe, I feel happy.

I’m loved.

I decided, too, that it’s about time that Marilee Addison Evans gets a proper goodbye because I don’t want to go back to how she was, I never have. I’m okay with not knowing everything about me, and things have begun to come back slower after I was sent to Hell, as I call it. I suppose I’ll save my ID card for the time being in case someone comes asking - although, according to Austin, I’m still believed to be missing, but it’ll be placed in a lockbox. Maybe I’ll stick it in the floorboards of my apartment in Sanctuary. I’d like to give her a proper funeral, buried beside Austin, but that’s a little bit too dramatic and it wouldn’t really mean anything. So, instead, after I’m done writing in my journal tonight, I think I’ll take a walk. I have clothes I’ve never liked to wear, so I can probably burn them and scatter the ashes there as a goodbye.

Maybe I’ll take one of the pictures that I have of myself and burn it instead.

It’d be simple, but not a big mess either.

I wonder if someone’ll be up for going through Austin’s things with me at some point, I never did. I should. I’ve considered selling that apartment, too, or giving it to Garrett so he has a bigger place to stay. I’d just give him all of Austin’s things, but that’d probably be awkward and it’s part of the healing process, right? Lucas would probably prefer a different roommate, too.

Hm… it’s getting late, I should probably stop writing before the sun comes up. Actually, I think I’ll go to the graveyard tomorrow. I don’t want to almost burn again. I’ll walk over to the bank and back, or maybe run over to Kallista’s for a couple of hours.

I’ll go do that.

[Jersey]

December 15th, 2015

I started writing a new journal today, or well. A project, I think. It's an easier way to get out my thoughts, and maybe it'll give me something to look back on. I've started writing to Marilee, which... is stupid, but it helps. It's a bit therapeutic, as strange as it sounds, but it's as if I'm writing an old friend, versus if I were to be writing the others.

Maybe it'll help me get to know me, and her. Maybe it'll just let me ***** where no one can hear me and it'll keep me out of my head so I'm not spacing out all the time.

[Jersey]

December 21st, 2015

It's been a little bit of a busy week, but I don't think all of it has been all bad. Some of it was, like when Clover realized that her sire was missing. We looked for him and as it turns out, he was found in the Shadow Realm. I don't know the details of how, I really don't want to know them. I'm sure everything will be okay in the end. Clover's been handling it better than I thought she would.

I expected rage and screaming, instead she's been calm. Maybe the calm freaks me out a little bit, too, I don't really ever get to see her like this. But, at least, I know she's not in shock. The fact she didn't break down or break into a panic attack is also a good sign. I'm not as worried as I was at first. I'm sure he'll come back to this realm soon, and if he doesn't, well, then I was right and the man is a moron.

Anyway. The night before Clover's sire/boyfriend/male-thing pulled his disappearing act, Peter and I talked about some things, about us. It's enjoyable, being able to pick up where we left off. We never fell out of love and as I push him a bit, and he gives... this feels right. We moved back into the cabin, it's been helping me. Helping us, I think, to have done it.

It was interesting, the fact he actually willingly let me help him clean.

The cabin looks wonderful, we decorated it for the holiday.

I might have been teaching the cats to play with the decorations, but he'll never be able to prove it. They like the shiny things and I'm not going to ruin their fun. Actually, that reminds me, I need to stop by and get the pets more toys after resting at Siren's for a bit.

[Jersey]

December 22nd, 2015

Garrett hasn’t been feeding.

I can sense him alive, but I haven’t been able to find him.

I’ve been trying not to worry, but I’ve failed at doing so. What if something happened? I’ve been texting him and haven’t gotten an answer, I’ve sent a few telepathics. The next thing I’ll be trying is an email, yet something tells me I won’t be getting a response. Is he avoiding me? Is it something I did? Am I that bad of a sire that he’d punish himself? I’ve been wondering these things constantly today.

He doesn’t leave Corvidae, I’ve found him there before, but there’s no trace of him.

Maybe I should ask for help.

My mind keeps wandering to that Paladin that got to me, could he have gotten to Garrett?

I really hope he’s alright.

Speaking of Paladin, one got me earlier while I was passing him. My side hurts, but I don’t think the wound is too serious. It’s stopped bleeding, at least. I fell earlier and might’ve torn open what had healed, though for now it’s not bothering me. It should heal by the next night.

I wonder if Jesse's back. It's been a week, but it'd explain why I haven't heard from Clo. Actually, I don't think I want to hear from her if he's back immediately... she's probably letting out her anger. I don't know if she'd do it the same way I would. Might be good to leave her be for the time being.

Anywho, I’m well rested. I think I’m going to head back to the apartment, and then go home to the - nope. Need to drop things off to Enver and Keara first, then I’ll return home to the cabin. I should clean this out as soon as possible though, I might not be able to get an infection, or maybe I can, haven’t really wanted to test it, but I don’t really want anything gross healing inside my body.

[Jersey]

December 25th, 2015

I’m getting married!

Even now, the words are hard to believe, but then excitement hasn't passed. This’ll be a short entry, I just wanted to write it down.

I can’t wait.

We’ll probably discuss it later, right now I just want to go spend some time with him.

[Jersey]

January 1st, 2016

Happy New Years!

This time two years ago, I was sitting in a hospital bed and not even knowing my own name. A lot can happen over time and I don’t like missing a single moment any more. Happiness, sadness. It’s all something to take in that makes you who you are, and who you were. I started cleaning out Austin’s things today and I found a lot of pictures; I remember a time where I had teasingly called him Narcissus. It’s the little memories like these that I like best, playful and silly.

I’ve realized that I don’t particularly like the person that Marilee Evans was. There were some things I liked about her that I know about, and others that I prefer to not know. Honestly, she was a bit of a ***** and spoiled rotten. And she knew it. I don’t think I’ll ever go back to the way that Marilee Evans was. I prefer being Jersey Sinclair; she’s a better person, even if she does have her moments.