I keep thinking about all of the changes that have gone on, particularly with me. I don’t see my childer, nor do I see my sire. Had it not been for Ric, Sky, or Jamie, I probably would have bitten the bullet sometime earlier this year. I’m not depressed, despite my brother’s worry and his constant checking on me, but other than my businesses, I had well, nothing. Cassadee would go on about her death and the fact she remained. I could hear her anger changing, feeling it change me to a state of constant aggravation. Long story short, I didn’t know what else to do.
But, that changed.
After Ric disenthralled, he brought some of us into his line. I was happy to go, honestly, as Altaire was no longer the family it was when I first was sired.
Calix has changed and is now a controlling asshole who doesn’t see how his flirtations with that thing was hurting his wife, Zwei is gone. Jamie... I even miss Anansi, although that’ll never be leaving this computer document. Nixxy… Phoenix… I can’t tell how disappointed I am in her. I met a broken woman who had been betrayed by a man she loved, I watched her strength herself once more, and then fall apart again.
An endless cycle of heartbreak.
She wanted to give up the line to another. To the leaders of the owl people.
There were some good people in Altaire, who I never got to know, yet they left before I could. I hope they’re doing better than the silence that the line has become.
After a little while, I decided to disenthrall myself. I love Phoenix, I always will. I’m thankful for everything she’s done for me, but I didn’t feel like an Altaire any more. Hell, I barely felt like Juliet Crawford any more and briefly considered to change my name to Cassadee Hawkins, but if I took that bitches name I’d probably be shooting myself in the foot or having Ric do it for me.
So, I decided on Crawford. My name.
One of these days, probably down the road when my family is no longer alive, I’ll change my name legally back to Juliet. Fake Cassadee’s death, or something, so that her family won’t be questioning the change, either.
I’m starting to feel like me again and I don’t want it to stop. I don't want to feel like I have to pretend to be happy, to be actually me again. Or Cassadee. I actually want to be me.
I've also considered that maybe I should start to move on. Move on with my life, or unlife, or whatever the hell this is. I have a family that cares about me now, one that actually is willing to help me. I have friends, too. Very few, but very good ones.
I adore Skylar, and although I still think she went a little too far off her rocker when Ric was... well, dumber than a rock, I still hope we can be close. She's good for Ric, even if he might not ever say it. And Ric, I don't think he'll ever hear it from me, but he's been sire-like to me for a while. Motherish, at times, really, because he does mom me with the eyeing Jamie or asking how I am, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
It's his way of caring.
I keep my rabbits foot that he made me in my pocket at all times, sort of as a reminder. Maybe we need to hang out soon, we haven't done that in... well. Since I found out that he drinks vampire blood. Which, another change, but although I thought it was gross at first, I've realized that it's Roderic. He did it before he was turned, too.
I went out dancing today. The music was alright, but it wasn't right. I've started looking through boxes, looking for my old playlists. Cassadee's gone quiet, which I enjoy. I also started listening to some of the bands that Sky's posted on the board, they're good. I'm feeling better tonight, prettier.
I don't think about the past a lot, as morbid as it sounds, because I only want to look forward to my future. I shouldn't have to feel like I want to linger around, waiting. I love her, but I don't want to wait. I want to do what I have to, to be a better person. I want to give this family 100%, not a fraction of that. If anything, I want to give them more than that.
Memories are just memories, I'll be able to make more.
There's a gym nearby that I've decided to join that's open twenty-four hours a day. If Ric says anything, I'll tell him its because I needed to make friends, although if he sees right through that, I'm probably screwed and he'll end up watching me more like a hawk than usual. The truth is that I joined because I needed a healthier way to release anger and frustrations, and just... bad emotions. I don't have to worry about having no reflection, either, because I'm in Cassadee's body. I look entirely normal. Well, I'm still paler than hell, but she's white. I can always say that I'm very fair skinned.
I'll figure something out.
One of my old playlists were found, too, which helps a lot.
I've been listening to them while I run on a tread mill or when I'm walking back and forth between my offices. Some are upbeat, some aren't. But, they feel better than what Cassadee liked to listen to. I think later on tonight, I think I'll see if I can find something to burn her CDs, records and record player. It'll probably piss her off if she starts getting chatty again, but I really don't care.
The ***** needs to realize that this is my body now.
Ric smiled at me last night. It was kind of creepy, considering the only time I've ever seen him show any sign of happiness was when I found the rabbits foot and the rest of the things in the box. Amusing, considering he looked like he had to crap, but I wonder if Sky had made a bet and he lost, having to be nice to people. It's the only thing I can think of, but oh well. Today, I was fiddling around on my computer and saw him mention how much he hated Christmas.
I thought back to the days when I'd watch holiday movies with April. She'd always been fond of Como el Grinch robó la Navidad, or How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Because of that, this happened:
Nixy Phoenix came back today. I can't even write the nickname these days without frowning and wanting to erase all traces of it. I think Ric is mad as I am about the way she came about it, accusing us of not caring. It's an insult after everything he's done, about how much he's cared. He held out more hope than he's shown, I think. If he didn't, he was probably more reluctant than I was to let it go. I wonder if this is how they felt.
I didn't think that she would be coming back, not after Calix never said anything further about her back in July. I'm... angry. Hurt? Disappointed. Maybe disappointed is the best way to put it. With how quick she is to leave again, does she even care about those that haven't left her? Not everyone is gone, but not everyone remained.
I don't know what else to say to her. What to feel. I think I'm going to go off and find Sky and Ric. One will listen, the other will probably roll his eyes, but at least I can get out some anger by collecting ritual knives and weapon pieces as I go.
This needs to be written down before I say it out loud.
Oh stuff it and take responsibility for your own actions or lack therefore of. That's all I ever see out of you and I'm getting tired of it, I hope a bullet finds its way to you soon.
And on another note, I need to go chuck some things in the **** it bucket. I think I'm going to do some pre-spring cleaning tonight on the boat. It'll take my mind off things, most likely. My stupid shadow won't stop lashing out and I just broke my favorite lamp.
I don't know what I was angrier at. The fact that she had left, or the way that she returned, accusing no one of caring that she'd been gone. And then, she decided to leave again after she didn't get a grand reunion. She might trust us to be able to look after ourselves, but I think she held her expectations too high on those that remained. The line hadn't been the way that it was when I was first sired, nor was it even really the line that it had been when Jamie or even Ric had been sired. It became different.
Attitudes changed, the amount of compassion or caring for each other left. It was a place for dramatics and the way it changed... it wasn't a home. I'll never forget the way that Freyja was berated for being upset because Jamie had been killed by those owls. The same group that Phoenix seem to can't live without, yet hates so intensely to the point she removed family for being tied to them. It's disappointing to see how my sire has lost herself.
But... I'm no longer considering myself to be Altaire. If I could, I'd be removing myself. Unfortunately, that I can't do from the forum. The disenthrallment was the best decision that I could make, I think. Part of me wonders if she even cared for any of those that still remained, but I believe that she doesn't. If she did, she would have considered how they would feel to see her abandon them again.
Ric seemed as angry as I was. Maybe more so, considering he likely had to listen to others ***** about it. He was right to say that us speaking up spoke volumes to where we stood with her, I agree with that.
Oh well.
My name is Juliet Rayne Hawthorne, and I'm Roderic's sister.
It shouldn't be a shock, I'm almost always angry at times these days. This time? I'm mad at Calix. "I'm checking in" where the **** were you when our sire abandoned us for a second time because she had her head up her *** and wasn't greeted with flowers? I still don't understand why he had been left in charge, but at this point, I don't have any fucks left to give.
I really wish I could be out of this group. That I wouldn't have to speak to her to be removed from it, that I could just go on without reading their words. It's a level of frustration I don't enjoy.
I think I'm going to go to the gym and stress release.
It is the best word I can think to describe most in this city that fought for the masquerade to fall. Even if I may not like the violence, it was needed. Oh well. Some of my employees aren't taking it too well, they freak out often and the only thing I can do is shake my head. One girl called us all monsters. I had half the mind to tell her the truth.
