Always Welcome [Flick]

[Jesse Fforde]

--The following transcript was a live chat roleplay--

<Felicity> Felicity took a breath calming her nerves. Telling herself she could do this. When she had left it wasn't her yet is was all the same. She was broken, and had lost her reason. Now she needed to explain. She wouldn’t make excuses she felt terrible. Finally looking at her phone she sent the text to Jesse. He was the one person who deserved an explanation and he was why she returned she owed him that. Out of respect among her own reasons. -Tell me where to meet you and I will come. I want to explain. I need to - she pressed send and a heavy sigh escaped her. She knew he knew of her curse of course till recently she hadn’t figured out how it worked. When she was hurting emotionally or physically something snapped and a different form if herself took over. However being back didn’t mean she was all better. But shed wear her smile as always and do her best. Hopefully she could restore the relationships she destroyed.


<Jesse Fforde> Jesse rarely hangs around at home, these days. Although he has the tome, he doesn't like being cooped up. He liked being out in the open air, or in a club, or at work - drawing, sketching designs, training in the gym, or in the sewers, or in the slums. Anywhere he could vent his frustrations, where he could let his mask slip and let loose upon the unsuspecting and weak. Texting back and forth with Felicity, however, he's clean. At Gresse's, of course - in the studio, as per usual, situated at his desk and illuminated by a lone lamp. I'm at Gresse's, he texts back. Simple and to the point. But that's how he rolls.


<Felicity> Hearing the ding on her phone she reads the text and heads that way. on my way. This time instead of texting she sent him a telepathic message. Walking down the streets she took in everything. In honesty she had never been to Gresse's. Only passing by really. Thankfully she knew where it was though. Finally arriving she walked inside glancing around. Her warm welcoming smile in place as always. While she looked for Jesse.


<Jesse Fforde> Jesse loses himself in his designs, sometimes. In the sketches that flow free from his fingertips. He'd started to keep a journal again - trying to write things down in a cohesive way so that he might be able to record the symptoms and the signs of his peculiar addictions; his disease. As something that he can look back on if he needs to. Or something that someone else can find, if he disappears one day. A kind of... suicide note. An explanation. It's not as if he's planning to kill himself but he knows what's going to happen. And he knows without supervision... well, who knows what he'll do? Either lose control and turn someone, or finally succeed in killing himself. But the best way of getting his feelings onto paper is through art. It's where he is when Felicity arrives, but the slight shift in atmosphere alerts him to her presence. Glancing up, he is immediately soothed. Familial presence has a way of calming his frazzled soul. He stands, returning that warm smile. There's the urge to hug her, but he refrains. He's never been a hugger. "Flick," he says. "It's good to see you."


<Felicity> Seeing Jesse there drawing she couldn't help but smile more. It was so simple and yet somehow so familiar. Walking over to him she did hug him, because it was who she was, she hugged people, she cared and she was learning to be more confident in herself. "Hi Jesse. I'm happy to see you." She smiled to him now. Being here reminded her of the tattoo she was going to get such a long time ago and yet to this day she never had gotten a single one.


<Jesse Fforde> It has been a while but hugging Felicity still feels familiar. Like it was only yesterday that he sired his first vampire; that he was so excited about this bright, smart blonde who never did hold it against him. Though she may have changed her tune by now. How long ago was that? Three years? Nearly four? Somewhere in between... So much has happened since. He returns the hug, lingers in it a little longer than usual, revelling in the comfort of it. When they pull apart, he gestures to one of the chairs, and rolls his own around to the same side. "You've no idea..." he says with a smirk. "And you don't need to explain anything."


<Felicity> She couldn't help but to enjoy the hug. She had truly missed Jesse. So as he lingered she could only smile and enjoy the moment. The peace that was so soothing to her. Smiling when the moment ended she sat down in the chair he had gestured to. Hearing him tell her she didn’t need to explain she shook her head and looked him in the eyes. "You deserve an explanation. You deserve that much. It’s unfair of me to do this continually to you. It’s selfish of me." She had to explain, she owed him that. Yes this life she had now he had given to her. And she had wonderful times, in life though there is always light and dark, and good and bad. Lately she had stumbled more into the bad. But she still smiled and looked at him. "I broke literally and when I did. I couldn't, my other self came out and I left. I am so sorry Jesse. I should have told you I needed time away. I should have called. I am so sorry."


<Jesse Fforde> Jesse laughs, low and under his breath. Selfish. That's a word that's been bandied around a lot lately, and mainly pinned to his own name. He leans forward, his elbows on his knees and his hands clasped in front of him. He takes a breath and shakes his head. "It would be selfish of me to demand that you stay when you need time away. I know that now. I'm... learning, to not be so selfish," he says. In some regards, he's getting better. In others? Not so much. "You always come back. I just... I'm here to talk to about things, if you need to. You know that, right?" he says, gazing steadily at Felicity, his brow arched and his eyes bright. "If you need to... if it helps you not to break..."


<Felicity> She smiled to him and nodded. "I think we should talk more no matter the reason. I felt alone and that feeling is a haunting one." Even as she spoke she still smiled. Her eyes never leaving his. She was being entirely honest and open. So many things changed. She counted on Jesse though and knowing the one of her most valued people, one person whom would always hold a place in her heart she neglected she didn’t like herself for it. Now she would do all she could to mend that. "Tell me though how have you been Jesse?" She asked with her smiled as she relaxed into the chair.


<Jesse Fforde> There's a glimmer of frustration, then, dancing through Jesse's eyes. The muscles of his jaw jump and twitch before he forces himself to breathe out. To relax. To let it go. How many times? Surely, he'd have said the same thing to Felicity before. That he's there to talk to. He's there to fall back on. He has a responsibility to those in his family so that they don't feel alone, and yet here she is, telling him she felt alone. But, she must have her reasons. So Jesse lets it go. He tries a smirk instead. "I really hate that question, Flick. I think you should try another one." Evasive, as per usual.


<Felicity> She shook her head now. "I want to know Jesse. I wasn't here and I would rather find out from you versus having to ask around or poke your brain" she smirked. "You know it wasn't your fault right. My feelings. It was due to well loosing someone again and it ripped me in half and I don't know. I couldn't share Jesse if you’re with someone if you say you love them and want them you shouldn't have to share them with another." She sighed shaking her head. "However I still want to know about you. You may hate the question but I care. Please."


<Jesse Fforde> Jesse leans back. He has a plan of attack. He stares at Felicity for a moment or two before he casts back... and lists his feelings, one by one, in order of appearance. "Bored. Frustrated. Terrified and heartbroken. Deliriously happy. Bored. Frustrated. Lost. Relieved. A lot has happened but a lot has been fixed. You're not the only one who disappeared without a word but you're not the only one who's made her way back to the fold. I will survive. I always do," he says with a bright smile that may or may not be genuine. "Are you talking about Axel?" he asks, deflecting.


<Felicity> She listened to him with a sad smile. She wished she would have stayed, had been here for all that had happened. But she hadn't she would hold that guilt with her for a long time. "I'm sorry." She managed before he asked another question. She nodded to him. "Yes. I think I was hoping to find a light in the darkness that he is, but it tipped the scales." She shook her head. "Why are you heartbroken?" She asked him know. She knew he didn't like to talk about himself, but she asked regardless. Seeing as that was how the night was unfolding question for question.


<Jesse Fforde> "Was," he says. "Was heartbroken. It's fine now," he says. He doesn't want to talk about it. Anything else but that. It's not a lie - it is fine. But at the same time... nothing much has changed. It's autumn. Grey wanted to get bound in autumn. But she hasn't mentioned it. Nothing has been planned. He doubts it's going to happen. The smile remains plastered upon his lips, held up by the desire not to talk about it. "I recently removed Axel and Grey as second in charge. I don't think this family really needs a hierarchy. Or... it does, but it needs people to be around for it. I haven't seen Axel for ... a long time," he says. "He ... wanted you to share him? What the actual ****...?"


<Felicity> She sighed and nodded to him. "I will do my best to stay. To make sure not to leave again. I’m not sure we need a hierarchy as much as we need to have people to talk to. To all work towards the same thing. To be there for each other. Not to compete for a position. But to help each other." She nodded to him then back to Axel she heaved and her smile faltered as she clenched her jaw. "Well he wanted a poly relationship all three together." She furrowed her brows at that. "There are a lot of things I would do for someone I love but not that. I can't. I couldn't. So I realized it wasn't love it couldn't be. It hurt like hell, and cut deep. But love shouldn't make you want to rip out your heart. Which I had considered. Once or twice." Shaking her head she once again held her warm smile. "Are you doing alright though Jesse, are you happy? Truly happy." She asked. She worried about him, she worried about the family, but Jesse was her sire and had been someone she had been in love with. Someone who would be embedded in her no matter what she did.

[Felicity (DELETED 4145)]

--The following transcript was a live chat roleplay--

<Jesse Fforde> Jesse wants to tell Felicity that the point of the hierarchy is not so much to make them all fight for a position, but to have one or two people in place that the rest can go to should Jesse suddenly... not be there. He disbanded the idea once he realised that they don't go to anyone for help anyway. They all wander off to their own corners to sort out their own woes; and they don't listen to what he has to say, anyway. They don't follow the rules. So what's the point in a hierarchy? He feels like the pressure is on to sort something out. To do something to keep them all together. But he's at a loss. He sighs and pushes his fingers through his hair. "What the hell is happiness, anyway? Yeah. I'm fine. I'm happy you're back. Cosette and Clover, Ursula too. We'll organise a get-together soon, maybe. Get mostly everyone in the same room," he says. Happiness, in Jesse's opinion, is fickle and fleeting and never lasts. But he's trying, at least.


<Felicity> She sighs shaking her head with a sad smile. "You will find it again. Happiness. You will. And if I can I will help you." Jesse had always been a conundrum to her. So she just smiled to him. "I won’t make any promises I won’t keep anymore. I do vow to come talk to you all the time. Just to talk and then sometimes when I get worried about breaking because that happens." It was all she could do, she wanted to hug him but knew better than to move from her spot so she didn’t. She sat there worried about him and mad at herself for leaving. For not showing she cared. Now she would though. She might drive him nuts in the process but she would show she cared about him and the family.


<Jesse Fforde> Jesse's expression is an impenetrable mask. She doesn't need to know that he doesn't believe her. These days happiness is no more than a high - a drug taken to forget all about life for a while, but sooner or later the effects wear off. Felicity was a psychologist in another life and maybe she's the kind of person Jesse should talk to; it's only recently that he had concluded that maybe the depression was always there. Maybe it's always been a disease, and vampirism only heightened it. But he'd learned over the course of the past couple of years that depression is an annoyance to other people. People who say they care but really, they only care to an extent. They stop caring once you start to look pathetic. He refuses to look pathetic - not to those he's supposed to be strong for. So he tells Felicity nothing, and keeps that smile in place. "Good," he says, finally. "I'm always around to talk to. Try and talk to the others, too," he says. "It'd be nice to see you all talking to each other."


<Felicity> She smiled to him. And nodded. Happiness was not something easily obtained or kept. It to work, a lot of trust and more risks than one could count. She hadn't lost hope yet. "I will. Though you know you can talk to me as well Jesse. It’s a two way street. It isn't all about my troubles, my shattered heart it isn’t all about everyone else. You have a right to your emotions as well we all do. I am just learning to be a bit more honest about mine. Not only to others but to myself as well. So you can talk to me should you want to. I can always listen." She smiled to him warmly. She would reach out to the others as well. Right here and now though she was sitting with her sire.


<Jesse Fforde> Jesse smiles and nods too. "I know. I will," he says. It's a lie. The last time he'd opened up to those who'd said he could trust them, he'd been shredded. Thrown to the curb and twisted beneath their heels. They didn't think that's what they were doing. Even now, they'd deny they had done anything wrong. It's why, even though the bridges had been rebuilt, he still remains on his side of the river. He keeps his distance. Not only from them, but from everyone. He feels guilty, lying to Felicity. But it's the only way to get her to shut up about it, as much as he appreciates the kindness. "But hey, so - you have the tome to Limbo, right? You have somewhere to stay? There's rooms there... there's lots of space, now. We can all spread out a bit," he says. A change of topic is required.


<Felicity> She nodded to him in response. Evasive as always she knew. So she smiled and took the change of topic. "Yes I do. I haven't been there yet. I wanted to be certain I was still wanted there after failing you and the family as I have." Still she smiled to him. "I will go there though. I have to make sure to get in before sunrise so the tome helps with that. When I’m not distracted." She shrugged with a smile. She hadn't met the sun yet, she still missed it though, the warmth of it, the glow of the sun rise and sun sets. She missed it as she missed coffee. She chuckled at the memory. "You took coffee away from me you know" she grinned now teasing him. "One day you’re going to have to give me my first tattoo you did say you would. Will you still?"


<Jesse Fforde> Jesse arches a brow. "Failed us, Flick? Don't even start. No one can judge you for disappearing because each and every one of them have done the same. Nearly," he says, narrowing his eyes in thought. Maybe not Kaelyn. Kaelyn has been steady as a rock. Maybe not Rhett but Rhett is new. Give him time. "They have no grounds to make you feel unwelcome. That would make them hypocrites, and you can tell them I said so," he says. Because he doubts any of them would make Felicity feel unwelcome. "And yes I remember. A sun rising over your shoulders - between the shoulder blades. The design is still around here somewhere...." he says, peering over at the folders. Trying to remember which one he'd stashed it in.


<Felicity> She smiled now. "Thank you for that." She was surprised he remembered the tattoo concept. And her smile only grew. She knew she was different. She had been most of her life. She strived for things that sometimes seemed impossible. Now as a vampire that had not changed. Her soul was still the same even if slightly broken. That happened in life though. She understood it, but that didn’t make it easy. "Well when you have time. I’d like to get it done. The tattoo." She had waited far too long as it was to have it done. It was her way of saying to herself she would always find happiness and light even on the never ending nights. Sure cliché as it may sound to her it mattered more than she could ever explain.


<Jesse Fforde> Jesse nods. "I have plenty of time," he says. He'd rather fill his nights with work than with bitterness or boredom, so he'll take any work that is offered to him. "I'll let you know as soon as I find it, and we'll sort out a time," he says. "And you know, I still think blood is better than coffee. Or... I don't know. Go find a student to feed on. One who's... got an assignment due. They drink a lot of coffee, don't they? Maybe you'll taste it in their blood..." he says with a smirk.


<Felicity> She laughed shaking her head. "Ooh yes I am sure that would go over incredibly well." She grinned. "I still think coffee was amazing sure now I love the blood. I can’t get enough... ever." She shrugged. "Is that normal to never be sated. To always want more." She arched a brow. "No matter I'm looking forward to the tattoo. It will be beautiful and then I will always have the sun.." she smiled again. Slowly she would feel more and more like herself. Just with new found understandings. "And I have tried the coffee houses. It’s not the same" she winked and laughed.


<Jesse Fforde> Jesse's tongue slides over his teeth. The mention of blood has his throat screaming; the thought of the hot liquid rolling over his tongue has his teeth lengthening, gums expanding. The tip of his tongue roams too far and, momentarily, he tastes his own blood. These teeth they are given, they are weapons, sharp as scalpels. He arches a brow. "Not normal, I wouldn't say. But I know exactly how it goes. The only satisfaction you get is when the blood is on your tongue?" he asks, wondering if it's the exact same affliction. "Add to that the urge to drain every living thing after tearing them to pieces at the sight of just a single drop... and life becomes a party," he says, his smirk now slightly sadistic.


<Felicity> She nodded. Now the thirst roared to life within her again. The blood packs helped but they were not the same. They didn’t come close. "Yes... I fight it. I try to control it. Sometimes I can if I hide away from people. Which is a difficult task. Blood packs aren’t the same. I enjoy the feel of it knowing in a way I am not weak. Yet there’s a level of intimacy when draining a humans blood. Not in a sexual way. I don’t know how to put it into words." She paused now lost in the thought her tongue running over her teeth that urge raging inside her lighting her on fire. "Euphoria" She finally said taking in a deep breath now.


<Jesse Fforde> Jesse gazes at Felicity now with a new fascination; a new kind of pride. It should have worried him that yet another of his progeny shared his curse, but it's not such a bad curse to have, right? Not when the humans can remember them, if they are bitten and left to live. Better to thirst so much for their blood that there's no choice but to drain them dry. "Don't deny yourself completely," Jesse says. "It'll send you insane. I can replenish my own blood without having to drink a thing, but it doesn't do much for the thirst. Once a week, approximately, I give myself permission to... lose control a little. In a controlled kind of way," he says. "The slums are good for it. They don't ask so many questions about dead gangsters - and I make sure the bodies are burnt beyond recognition. Just to be safe," he says, leaning forward again in his chair. "It's better to lose yourself when you know you can do damage control, than to lose yourself and be seen."


<Felicity> She nodded to him. "I can't lose myself to it though. Because when I do it isn’t just one its many it last all night and well the sun rises and I instantly slumber." Ooh she wanted to loose herself though to be able to enjoy it again without worrying of being fried to a crisp. "I’d have to have someone with me...” she finally stated.” Would you help me...? I can’t keep living off of blood packs and I have been for soo long now." Oh that was a truth she hadn’t revealed yet. But it was true she had been. Or only luring one human to her when it was safe. When she was safe. "I can lure the humans to me, but even that I can only do so much of."