Composition Book

[Kaj (DELETED 6686)]

Written neatly at the top left hand corner of the paper--
Day: 20 Time: 3:36AM Date: June - 09 - 2015


The words start on the first line, like always, like routine. There's music in the background --sounds like jazz-- and voices murmuring. He writes, comforted by the background noise.

I stole paper towels today. We don't really need them but I had nothing better to do and that's all I found in the building I broke into before the guard showed up. I didn't want to kill this one. I killed the last two I found, I didn't tell Noel, I think he might get upset if he found out I was killing people, they were women. I didn't drag it out though, I didn't pull their nails from their fingers. I didn't break their toes or skin them. I was nice and I shot them in the forehead.

"Bang bang, my baby shot me down."

It's been different since we stopped here. I'm still getting used to not having to leave town in less than a week. I'm still getting used to Noel adopting us into a family. I'm still hating on Emer. I'm still sore that Noel turned someone else.

There was a lot of scribbles and hard impressions left on the paper as lines were struck through a few sentences. Regret heavy on the abused page.

Coming here hasn't been all bad. The air is clean, there's a lot of places to get lost in, lots of people to steal from. It's hard to be optimistic; I only feel good when I'm alone with Noel, or I'm killing or feeding or playing with Sacha. Sacha's loving it. Her body isn't wearing down as fast as it had been when we were moving around a lot. She's digging the neutral weather, too. I guess it isn't all bad, but I still feel wrong.

I hope I stop feeling wrong soon. I don't want Noel to know. I never want him to know. It might hurt him.

[Kaj (DELETED 6686)]

Day: 22 Time: 9:00PM Date: June - 11 - 2015

The picture is centered perfectly on the page, glued onto it. It's a Polaroid, smeared with dried traces of blood, and words are scrawled underneath it, but are striked through with one solid, thick line.

One cheating husband. One ugly prostitute.

I'm writing with a blue pen I took from the hotel's front desk. It has the hotel's name, number and address written on it; I might go back, I'm not sure yet. It looked like a clean place, a nice place-- it looked better than the place that we've been staying at. It's not like we can afford much right now, but I think if I keep up with pick-pocketing, and saving my money under the mattress, it'll be enough so we can finally find another place to stay. A place that doesn't smell like rat piss and feces.

Anyways. I just got back. I left as soon as the sun set-- I was hungry, and I had this horrible urge in the pit of my stomach. I thought if I fed, it'd go away and that I'd feel normal again, but I didn't feel normal after. I actually felt worse, I felt hungrier. I don't know what it was about today that had me waking up in such a funky mood, but I had to do something about it. I thought if I couldn't get rid of the feeling by feeding, I'd just kill some ******* zombies. That didn't work either, but it did increase my ear collection. I think I'm up to 22 now. I should probably get rid of them soon or else Noel might complain about the stink....

So, killing zombies was pointless, too. I still felt this overwhelming sensation of being famished and I started walking the streets, thinking maybe I'd find something to keep myself distracted. Noel was busy, I couldn't bother him, I hated bothering him, at least when I feel like this, when I feel like this I feel so weak and I just don't want him to worry. I know he worries... he does, he cares. I feel it. But okay, so I thought if I kept going I'd find something to help me feel better and I did find it. I found this guy leaving his house. I creeped on the property because it looked nice, it looked like he had money and valuables I could take back to Noel. There really wasn't much worth stealing, except maybe his wife's diamond ring and his collection of snow globes.

I left his house and decided to follow him. He'd gotten ahead of him by a lot, I nearly lost his scent and got mixed up by the streets but I found him. I found him all in good time. I found him at the best time. He was getting it on with this pretty little thing. She was short, maybe 5'2"? Long, straight black hair, an oval face, petite body with a nice set of tits and ***. She had pretty eyes, they were green, and shameless. She was the first to go. I barged into the room like I owned it. He was doing her from behind when I opened the door.

Man, he got so scared. I laughed, he got angry and she got scared. I closed the door and went straight for him. I didn't have to worry about the prostitute all she did was try to pull a knife on me-- she was pretty skilled, I got to say. She got me good on my arm. I think I might need stitches... I'll have to ask Noel to help me later, but okay, where was I... oh yeah. I attacked the guy, tied him up with the sheets to a vanity chair I found outside the bathroom and put him in front of the bed to watch while I was slashed at by the prostitute. He was jumping around in the chair like fire ants were crawling up his butt. It was hilarious, I almost got stabbed in the chest from not paying close enough attention to the feisty whore.

I gouged her eyeballs out first because they were the prettiest of her features. Oh God how she screamed. I had to rip her tongue out afterwards. She made this awful hissing/gurgling noise. It was horrendous, it was puke-worthy. She made a mess, her blood got everywhere-- she was spitting it everywhere. The husband kept jumping, got real sweaty and stinky when he saw what I did to her.

... I don't want to get into too much detail about what I did to him, but I left him in pieces. I took pictures and I left. I swear I could hear the cops coming. I felt better after I killed them. I'm going to take a shower now that I'm done writing this down... I need to get clean before Noel gets back. I hate that I do this, I do. It's the old me... I swear, it's just a bad habit. I don't want to disappoint Noel... oh... oh ****, I think I hear hi--

The words end abruptly, and are never revisited.

[Kaj (DELETED 6686)]

Day: 24 Time: 12:00AM Date: June - 13 - 2015

A remix of the song King Of The Fall by The Weeknd Ft. Ty Dolla $ign and Belly is playing in the background. Kaj is clean, fresh out of the shower when he has his composition book in his lap, writing with another pen he'd stolen; this time it's from Daisy's Sun Kissed Tanning. It's pink, and it writes smoothly -- no one is in the motel room.

I haven't done anything important lately or fun; not since the night I killed that prostitute and man. I've decided to lay low for a while, follow Noel around and see what's going on with him. He's sired two more. I don't know how I feel about them, I don't even know their names but I know he turned them. I know he added more people to our "family". Does he want a big harem of us or something? I don't get it. Has Noel been feeling lonely? It's confusing me, I'm starting to feel like I might not be enough to keep him happy. He'd probably tell me some **** like I'm being stupid, ridiculous, imagining things because I'm too self-conscious and paranoid. I think I've got a reason to be; I mean, does he not remember where we came from? Him, of all people, should know what it's like to feel self-conscious... at least I think. I know Noel is comfortable with his skin now, or at least that's what he's led me to believe. I really haven't had a moment alone with him without someone interrupting us. I get mad, but I stay friendly, I stay chill, you know? I can't let on that I'm pissed, it'll worry him.

I feel like a dog starved for attention. I feel really needy and like a wet *****. It makes me feel worse about myself, ****, I wish I could control what I feel.

I've decided I'm going to sell my collection of ears. I was never really proud of them to begin with, and I think I can get like $12 bucks for'em if I visit a pawn shop? I don't know, I'll have to check that out soon, they're really starting to stink up the room and again, Noel's been nagging at me to get rid of them-- he probably thinks they're gross. I mean... they are sorta gross, the skin is black and grey and it smells like toe fungus. There's black goo that leaks out of them (or at least it did leak out from them when they were fresh) and it's crusted over. I know it might be weird but... I sort of like the leathery feeling of the skin. It's so gross but... good. I guess it's not so weird coming from me, I mean, you... you know me. I like death, I like corpses. You know that, I know you know. You probably know more about myself than I do. You've got the hidden messages and you know what they mean when I write them down. I don't even notice they're there unless I look back-- I never look back, I never look through the older pages. I don't know why I keep writing if I never go back... I think I'm scared.

I'm scared to find out if I'm still the same. I don't feel the same but lately I've just been getting these urges, just like I did when we were back in Detroit. I feel worse than Emer. I think he's a psycho-- am I a psycho, too? I've thought about it before, whether I'm mentally fit to even be walking around on the streets. I don't think I am... I should have been locked up in a maximum security prison a long time ago. I mean, what guy in his right mind gets pleasure out of killing someone else? A crazy one, a chemically, spiritually, unstable mass of energy. I feel as destructive as a tornado sometimes; I wish I'd been caught... I don't tell Noel that, he'd get upset I think. Like, really upset if he knew I thought I deserved to die. He really only sees me when I'm happy, because he makes me happy but I think if we were alone together again, he'd know that I'm not right, right now. He'd know something feels wrong about me.

I hope it doesn't make him want to leave, if he does start to notice. I don't want him to leave. Stop, stop, stop. You're being stupid. Noel would never leave you. Noel is the only person you can trust, he's the only person you can really rely on. He's the only one you need.

HE IS THE ONLY ONE YOU NEED, KAJ. REMEMBER.

[Kaj (DELETED 6686)]

Day: 27 Time: 8:45PM Date: June - 16 - 2015


The sound of a crappy television is buzzing; buzzing like an obnoxious fly trapped in the room. Kaj is situated by the window, the curtains are pulled open, he can see outside the parking lot. The composition book is on his lap, he'd closed it as soon as he'd written down the day, time and date. Something caught his eye off in the distance. It was a shadow, moving across the wet concrete like a sly cat. Noel had just left-- to where, he wasn't sure, he hadn't been able to figure it out when he'd been given the look. There was a flash of lightening near a horizon of trees; it's wiry form disappeared in seconds and a powerful boom shook the glass of water on the table he was sitting down at. The TV went out, so did the lights. Kaj started to write just as a light drizzle fell from the sky.

I didn't feed for the past two days. I just had something to eat right now, thanks to Noel. I guess he noticed I wasn't eating... I don't know how, he's in-and-out so fast I can barely keep up with what he's doing next. It's been rainy all day, real heavy when I was trying to sleep during the day and now it's calm. There's just a lot of lightening, a lot of thunder. It's so loud, it hurts my ears, hurts my head. It makes it hard to think and hard to write.

I like the smell though. I really like the smell. It's freshness, but not the fake freshness like from a can or from a car air freshner-- it's so clean. When you ignore the nasty smell of wet garbage and dog and hobo and humans in general. God, did I stink that bad? I showered, I felt good. I miss looking at myself in the mirror. I don't know what I look like anymore; I think I look scary sometimes, just because of what I see in Noel's eyes. My hair's getting longer and I think I want to cut it. Not short, but just a trim, just to try and look good. Just to try and feel good about myself. Since I've fed my body feels stronger, I don't feel skinny, I don't feel like a stick. I was feeling like such a stick you have no idea.

It was really easy not to feed. It was really easy not to go out and kill... but it was also so hard. I missed it, I missed tasting it. But that made me hate myself even more; like, I'm not supposed to like it... or well, I guess that's just the old me thinking that. I don't know why he still gets in the way of things. I don't know why my humanity ever comes up to say hello, it's not like I had much of it when I actually was human. I was already pretty much a monster. So now that Noel sealed the deal for me, why do I feel so God damn shitty? I haven't told him I feel this way. I sort of want to, but then I don't. I don't want to seem like a pussy. I don't want him to think that I regret my decision.

I don't regret my decision to give him my life. I don't regret having to say good-bye to the sun. I just want to know why I feel shitty about actually being a real monster. It wasn't so bad to swallow when I was human but now it's just like drinking Drain-O or something gross like that... Clorox maybe? That **** smells bad... I haven't tasted it. I haven't tasted Drain-O either but... maybe I could. It's not like it could kill me; I wonder what the side effects would be though. Would I foam at the mouth? Have a seizure? Throw up? ... Nah, I won't experiment with that ****. That's just weird.

Sacha's been kinda gloomy lately. I don't know why, she's been so sad and detached, even from me. I need to find a new beak for her... I need to find two new eyes too. I want her to feel fresh. I want her to feel happy. Maybe if I start to feel happy so will she.

START TO FEEL HAPPY KAJ. SMILE FOR ****'S SAKE.

[Kaj (DELETED 6686)]

Day: 27 Time: 4:17AM Date: June - 16 -2015

An image has been taped in the center of the page. The Polaroid had just freshly been taken.

This is now Bumby. I don't know if I'll set him free.

I went out to look for Sacha's new parts. That was a couple hours ago. I've already written earlier, but I couldn't stay inside. I had to get out, and now that I've found Bumby, I need to tell you about him. So I left, I sort of messed around-- you know, got into some trouble, tried to fight some gangsters and lost, tried to use the transits here and got lost. Somehow I ended up at the zoo. I had the worst time breaking in. Maybe it's 'cause I don't know Harper as well as I thought I did, but it was shitty. I got busted; I didn't kill the guards, I just fought them. I punched both of them in the nose and they knocked out. I felt proud of myself, I didn't kill'em. But I sure did want to. I really wanted to... I almost took a finger from both as a souvenir but decided that Noel might not appreciate that. I'm supposed to be turning a new leaf for myself. I'm not supposed to be the monster I said I was earlier... but I am, I know...

Trying not to be.

Anyways, so I went and visited the penguin exhibit; I felt bad taking from the little guys, but I chose the one who I thought might not last the longest. It's not that he looked sick, not yet anyways, but I got this feeling from him that he just wasn't happy where he was at. I connected with him. As much as I could, you know? I let him go quietly. Painlessly. He was cute... and it was sad when he was gone. I cried. I gave him a nice burial. I bought some flowers, I dropped them where I buried him and then I started to head back home. Home to a dingy motel room.

That's where I found him; so fragile, so innocent, so quiet. Bumby had a bum wing. It looked like a cat got to him. His feather's were in shambles, he looked like he got a couple good bites on him, and his wing looked like it'd been the most mangled of his entire body. He wasn't even crying, he was just looking out towards the street calmly, tiredly. I think he'd been trying to get back home, but he just couldn't quite make it. I picked him up. He didn't fight. Didn't even bite me, not once. I used my finger to pet along the center of his head and his huge, sage eyes just blinked at me (one before the other) and his beak opened, nothing came out, and then closed as he looked away with squinted eyes.

He was a trooper. When I got back (no one was here still), I cleaned him up, disinfected his wounds and I set his wing into place using a Popsicle stick and some gauze. He looked better, not happier, but happier. He was content. I left him by the window, I'm sitting on the bed right now watching him. There's a small breeze and I think he likes the feeling of it on his feathers. It's still sprinkling, hasn't really let up. The lightening and thunder have gone away. It's quiet... it's peaceful. I'm happy I found Bumby. Now I need to fix Sacha. I don't want her to get jealous.

[Kaj (DELETED 6686)]

Day: 30 Time: 1:10AM Date: June - 19 - 2015

The night is hot, humid, and the window is propped open. There's music playing (something mainstream) and Kaj is sitting on the bed, half-naked with his composition book sitting to one side of himself. Bumby, the owl he rescued three days ago is walking near the edge of the bed. Sacha is standing in a corner, watching the owl curiously. The room's AC is on full blast, and it's still hot. Noel just left. Kaj sat up, pulled his hair into a sloppy bun and picked up his journal and the purple pen he found outside and began to write.

It's hot as balls tonight. I miss the rain. I don't know what's going on with the air conditioner in this room but I'm thinking I might have to let someone know to get on it; I'm melting. I had to take a break; the other night, after I found Bumby, I was out looking for a feed and I chose the wrong human. The guy turned out to be a hunter. I killed him, but he sure did put up a good fight.

He broke my nose, my left pinky finger, stabbed me in the gut and gave me a gnarly slice on my thigh. Noel helped patch me up. I've been feeding so the wounds are healing, slowly but surely. I've been stuck in the hotel room because of it. Noel's been bring me back blood packs and looking after me. It feels nice getting to spend time with him, even if he looks at me disapprovingly sometimes. I get it, I probably shouldn't have killed the hunter, but what else was I supposed to do? The guy was relentless. It was him or me and I chose myself. I guess I'm just selfish.

I haven't found a job, and I haven't been able to steal anything lately. I'm getting sick and tired of staying put in this stupid room. Watching everyone come and go has really put a damper on my mood. I feel grouchy, and I just want to say something nasty to whoever looks my way. I haven't, of course, out of respect, but I sure as hell want to. Even though I've got cabin fever, it's been nice looking after Bumby and Sacha. I think Sacha was missing me and Bumby looks way better than he did when I picked him up. I've been feeding him the rats I find scurrying around the hotel. He's lovin' it.

...Can't say I care too much about picking up after his pellet, though. Sacha's tried to eat one, and that didn't work out. It was kind of funny to watch her try though. The two of them seem to get along pretty good, really curious about each other. They haven't tried to fight, and Bumby hasn't pecked at me once and I pick him up and set him down a lot. I think it was meant to be.

[Kaj (DELETED 6686)]

Day: 37 Time: 10:37PM Date: June - 26 - 2015


Quick, messy, and furious. A sort of '**** the world' scrawl etched deep into the paper, nearly ripping it.

**** you. **** you. **** you. **** YOU TEN TIMES OVER THE ******* SUN. DIE.