The Withered Mind | Doc |

[Kamikaze]

They had achieved immortality, so to speak, haven't they? Another form of immortality would be print on page. Looking up, both the personalities of Shizuka and Kamikaze assessed the situation that they were in. The doctor had joined them on the ground, sitting, observing. Normally, it would have been the personality of Kamikaze that detested being observed, but it was Shizuka that was the stronger personality at the time, and she was used to being observed, as the human before the vampire had always been in observation with doctors and nurses. With Shizuka keeping Kamikaze in the back of the mind, the woman seemed more relaxed. Her eyes focused back onto him, her hands slowly gripping one another.

A book? A.. A-.. They would appreciate, yes. Chronicle their thoughts, their stories... I may need to get a lot of journals, to do so... but I'm certain I can do it.

It took a moment, for the two personalities to come together, into agreeing that this would be a beneficial project for them both, as well as the beings who continuously communicated with her. It would be a library of sorts, she felt, but the spirits who she could understand gave their approval. The rest, she hoped would go along with this, if she could find a way to transcribe their thoughts... but that would be another issue, when she got there. For now, she thought about the transcribing. She could definitely do this, though it would take most of her free time. Hopefully, they would understand.

Yes, we shall chronicle their stories, their tales, their thoughts, into something tangible. We will give their words form, their thoughts and desires... We will take care to do so, as we know no number of the shadows that sing, but regardless we shall write.

Still on the ground, she began to relax a bit, then tilted her head. A thought came to her, a way to both calm herself and quiet the voices. Meditation had been a very important aspect of her life, though she had not done so in a long time. Perhaps this would help the situation within her mind. With a moment passing, for both Shizuka and Kamikaze to talk it through within the confines of the mind, they nodded to the thought in physical form, before looking to the doctor.

We will also begin to introduce meditation into our daily regimen, to see if this improves our life, and to help quiet the shadows.

[Doc]

The body looked more relaxed, but was that due to the agreement of the voices, or was it due to another personality being in control? The more he observed Kamikazi, the more he began to highly doubt it was DID that was her problem. Yes, recognized that there was a stronger, more calm personality that spoke to him. That agreed to the journal. But something about the host body, told him there were two cognizant and awake personalities in that body at that precise time. That meant this was not a medical or mental condition. This was something he did not have any experience with.

Doc needed more information, but his patient Kamikazi needed peace of mind. She had been alone far too much with only herself and the ‘voices’, whether they are disease or a supernatural phenomenon. He had seen her grip her hair, she had gripped it tightly as though the pain of that action helped her focus. Then later she had done it again, but second time it was done more as though she were comforting herself. It was clear to him she needed more outside stimuli. The key to that, may be the voice that was currently ‘in charge’.

“My name is Charles, May I know to whom I have the pleasure of speaking?” He hoped, that he could get this persona to understand, that for the stories to be written, the host needed to be healthy, and currently, he was worried for her.

[Kamikaze]

My name is Shizuka. Shizuka Ueda.

As the Shizuka personality was active, Kamikaze laid within the mind, dormant though well aware. The body straightened for a moment, then calmed, as Shizuka made herself comfortable. The seating reminded her of home, of the doctor visits she used to have. They used to be so pleasant to her, even when doing tests to see how her body was functioning, to see if she had gotten sick again, to see if there was any improvement. As a child, she would do puzzles with the doctors, though she was the biggest puzzle to put together, for them. Combing her fingers through her own hair, then giving a light tug, she needed to make sure she was okay, that she was still there, that all was well. The tingling sensations signalled the correct answers to her own questions, and she was satisfied. She was still there. All would be well. This man was a doctor.

The sounds of the world echoed in the distance, the clouds moving overhead. Shizuka looked up at the sky, and marvelled for a moment, before looking to Charles.

In the shadows, I never got to see this... the sky... the stars... the clouds.. It was all darkness, decay, destruction. In a sense, it was like me, before Noelle turned me... before the limitations of humanity were cast aside, to let me grow into what I am now... into what I may one day become... They are beautiful, no?

A gentle sigh, and she looked back to the doctor, her hands moving to her lap, from her hair. By now, her hair had taken on a bit more wild appearance, with the tugging and combing of her fingers through it. It didn't matter. She would remedy this, when the time was right. The time... had gone by so fast, and she never got a chance to check it. About to pull her phone out to check, Shizuka quickly gripped her head, a pained look on her face. Shaking her head quickly, she gripped her hair, giving out a shriek, before going silent, her head down. She grew still, her eyes wide open, her mouth shut tight, teeth clenched. The mind became a battlefield once more, and Shizuka was losing ground. Kamikaze was waking, and she didn't enjoy being cast off into the darkness of the mind.

Darkness, we have been confined. Creaks, groans, no light, no persons, only voices, only faces long dead. Here... Harper... faces still dead, though walk. Voices slither in, spirits, phantoms...

It seemed that Kamikaze was pushing through, though Shizuka was not going to let this go, lightly. Another screech, and hands gripped at her face, nails digging in, before hair was grabbed one more time. Eyes shut tight, as the personalities clashed, argued, both demanding to be heard more.

[Doc]

Doc’s eyes followed her track upward, eyeing the sky as she spoke. In truth he never really thought about the stars and sky that much. Perhaps he was still too bound to humanity. It wasn’t a thought he enjoyed. Ruth had tried to make him stop and appreciate the beauty of nature. But quite frankly, in his opinion, nature could be violent, dirty and deadly. He preferred the ‘violence and deadly’ happening on his schedule, not natures.

In preparation for his reply to her, to ask her a question, he flicked a glance from the sky back to her when he saw the outward manifestations of the inner turmoil. “Wait.. please.” He held his hands out in a slow down gesture. His voice unhurried and calm, “If you harm the host, you harm yourself.” He canted his head to the side slightly, softly he uttered, “You are allowed this freedom by her grace. You anger her, she could shut you out. Shut you all out.”

The truth of the matter was, Doc wasn’t sure what the situation was. Were there multiple entities that bombarded her with their thoughts and demands to be heard? Or were the voices just fractures of her broken psyche? Whatever the case, the fragile girl in front of him did not appear as though she could take much more stress. “When was the last time she ate? She needs rest, sustenance, time to herself. If you all continue to bombard her, she will break. And when she breaks, you all will be lost. You will not be heard. You will be ‘crazy broken girl’. Imagine eternity.. having had the opportunity to be heard, but ******* it up, because you could not be patient.”

Doc sighed, how did one argue with logic and expect a logical response, if the one they argued with was not sane? “Let me take her try to get her to eat and rest.. Will you give me 24 hours with ‘her’, then we will talk again?”

[Kamikaze]

This body, this tomb, frail. She does not eat, since of last moon. ... We will be heard.

The body seemed a bit contorted, though she stared into Doc's eyes, eyes a bit off. Kamikaze was in full swing now, though Shizuka was still aware enough to keep her from doing anything violent. The Shadow looked around, eyes narrowing, before she turned back to the doctor. Kamikaze didn't enjoy sharing the body, the mind, with Shizuka, but she was necessary. It was the voices that she detested immensely. They distracted her from the hunt, at times. They did not let her focus. With a few moments, the woman's body became host to the voices yet again, the sheer numbers overpowering the Kamikaze personality. The body did not transition smoothly, when this happened, jerking a bit, before relaxing.

We do not wish this body harm. The dormant personalities within restrict us, but we wish to be free, to be heard, to be written. The host is weak, both mentally and physically, and she does not feed herself as often as she wishes. She has fed to keep herself from being too weak, but that is it. We do not want to be imprisoned within her mind, nor do we wish to be unheard. Others within us demand and push, but we will find a way to keep the peace within, and listen. We will not be dismissed, though we will not cause her harm, cause her pain.

A third personality emerged, one guided by the voices, one guided by those that haunted her. The third personality was cautious, slow speaking, though did not have a name within. The true voice of reason among all three, it was as if her body had been taken over by a soul, by one of the voices, to shed light on the subject, to grant Shizuka and Kamikaze some rest. With this benevolent personality present, and active, the body rested, leaning forward as they attempted to regain strength from the tumultuous 'changing of the guards' as one might say. This personality drew on the safety of the host, of the souls, of even Charles. It wished to be sure that every party would end up safe, and come out unscathed from this experience.

We will not let our host break, but we will be patient. We will also let the doctor do what he believes is best. We....They are not going to leave us to die. Leave me to be withered, into nothingness...

Seamlessly, Shizuka snapped back as the dominant personality, the third fleeting away to the deepest reaches of the mind. Shizuka stared right at the doctor, before she felt her body fall back, too much energy expended from this exchange of personalities. Her body was weary, her eyes slowly closing as sleep overtook her, as her mind went silent for the first time in years.

[Doc]

His gaze was locked with the someone staring out of the host body. It was not Shizuka or so he thought. Shizuka spoke as one, a single entity; this other entity spoke in plurals. This entity was unnamed thus far. But the gaze that stared at him, was pointed and knowing. It wasn’t a blank or weary stare. As Kamikazi slipped backward, Doc recognized the entity knew what he wanted, and was willingly giving in to his request. That was great, except… now he had to make notable progress in twenty-four hours, or risk losing the entities trust.

Doc stood, brushed himself off, and moved over to pick Kamikazi up. Her clothing gave the impression that she was heavier than she actually was. He carried her to his car and belted her into the passenger side seat. He reclined the seat backward, more so she looked comfortable than for her actual comfort. The last thing he needed was another driver to think he was traveling with an unconscious female. He was about to shut the passenger side door, when his gaze stopped and focused on her hand and wrist. It was what one would call gracile. It was typically seen in the higher classes. A slender graceful build that was not meant for manual labor.

They arrived at the Sanctuary Apartments about thirty minutes later, after an uneventful drive. Doc carried her to his apartment. He hadn’t planned on bringing anyone here, to this location. This was his ‘sanctuary’ away from spawns that tended to move in and take over his homes. But this was a unique situation. He couldn’t take her to the lab or Winterbrook, that would scare her. She was skittish at best, fragile mentally at worst. He needed a place that he could ensure would be quiet and serene. Non-threatening. That meant the Sanctuary. His sire owned the place, he would let Kamikazi have his, for the moment, and he would crash somewhere down the hall, where ever the Sire could put him temporarily. First and foremost, he wanted Kamikazi to have freedom and space, so that she did not feel crowded.

She was deposited on the bed, and relieved of her outerwear and shoes. He belongings were folded and placed on the dresser. Beside them was a towel and sealed bar of soap. He left her to sleep, while he wrote her a note.

• You need rest. There are blood packs in the refrigerator, help yourself. There is a robe in the bathroom. I will knock before I enter. I will be back at dusk.

Doc .........................................................

[Kamikaze]

The darkness within the mind was heavy, though it was far from empty. Whispering voices scattered around, some louder than others. In the middle, two voices were screaming at one another, while a third was attempting to keep the peace. Kamikaze blamed Shizuka for being too soft on the chaos, for letting it build and cause the body to crumble, to pass out, rendering it useless. Shizuka was accusing Kamikaze of being too reckless, putting them in harm's way when there was always another way, for being careless of safety. Neither personality would admit that they were wrong, snapping at one another, until the third personality, which was more than a personality in a sense, almost the conscience of the combined being. The third personality seemed to talk the two other personalities down, into silence, before they figured on something. What they had done until now, it didn't work. It didn't work at all. It wasn't going to be easy, to come together, but they all viewed that the host body would benefit greatly. The voices otherwise were settled, in that they would have their time to be heard, for their voice to be written.

Stirring, Shizuka was the dominant personality. She looked around, before staring at the note, and beginning to read. With a shrug, she set the note aside, then took the opportunity to clean herself. The water grew black as the filth was washed into the drain, and it felt like it'd take forever to get truly clean. All of the filth was washed away, and she felt lighter. Once she was clean, though, since she was only a guest, she made sure everything was as clean as it was before the shower. Snatching the robe, she slipped it on, then made sure it was tight. With that, she exited the bathroom, and closed the door. The towel that she had used was neatly folded, deposited into the bin with other towels. As the note had stated, there were blood packets in the fridge. Taking one, Shizuka neatly opened it, and began to indulge herself. Her hunger surprised even herself, with how fast she consumed it, leaving no drop to waste. Not wanting to clear the fridge, she only took the one she had. Depositing the bag into the trash, she then took a moment to walk around, before she returned to her belongings, changing shortly. The clothing was slightly dirty, though nothing unmanageable. Folding the robe, she deposited it in the same bin as the used towels, before she stood beside the door, and waited for the man to return.

Already, she planned to thank the doctor for his kindness, in her moment of weakness. Normally, the personalities were more composed than this, but it seemed that the excessive stress of the onslaught of voices and information was too much. Perhaps she would return the kindness somehow, but she wasn't sure how, at the time. She knew already, that she would pay him back for the consumed blood packet, which if she remembered correctly, retailed about $300. After that, there was the fuel. Perhaps she would also be able to pay him back in another method, as well as monetary, such as a favor.

[Doc]

It was dusk, just as Doc promised, he knocked on the door to the apartment in Sanctuary and counted to ten, before he let himself in. She was standing there, just as he entered. “Woah..apologies, I didn’t expect you to be standing... right there.” He sidestepped, and placed the package that he was carrying on the coffee table. “I’ve brought you some scrubs, and a blank journal.”

Doc looked her over with a critical eye. She had showered, she looked more rested, but still had a haunted look to her, “Hmmm.” His brow furrowed and he canted his head to the side, looking at her face. “Looks can be deceiving, but you’re still very fragile looking.” He took a seat; then motioned her to also take a seat. A silent gesture indicating he was not ready for her to leave quite so soon.

The dilemma he faced, was did she even what the voices in her head said? Were the voices like a trauma induced protection? Different identities used to protect the host that was harmed at some point? Or were they slivers of the same person due to a brain chemical imbalance? Or was it really, the voices of the dead that the fractures caused to attach to her for some reason? Did the host remember what was going on? Who was in control now? The host or Shizuka or someone else?

“I do not want to be presumptive. So please do not take this wrong way, who am I speaking to, and how much is remembered?”

Ideally Doc wanted to speak to the host. He wasn’t even sure he had spoken to the host yet. The difficult thing about the three possible diagnoses, were that the variable swung to wide. There was nothing he could say definitively, if she had DID then this… No. He wanted to speak to the host without interference. Even if some of the personalities and or voices were protective, he knew from experience, that those type of protective personalities were skewed. Those personalities keyed in on one point in the trauma and jealously protect the host from that point on. The main question, in his mind, was what did the host know, and what did ‘she’ want to have happen?

[Kamikaze]

Taking a seat, as it was offered, Shizuka watched Charles, then nodded. He wished to learn, he wished to carry on a conversation, and he wanted the truth. Kamikaze was not able to provide the truth, in a clear and precise way, and the third personality was too busy at the moment, trying to corral the other voices within the mind. Clearing her throat a bit, Shizuka smoothed her hair. She needed to trust Charles with this information, which would be damaging if it was given to the wrong hands. Never once had the entire story ever been told, to another person. This needed to change, and it seemed like Charles would be the one she'd tell it to. With this starting, Shizuka sat up straight, hands folding to her lap. She'd need to start from the beginning. The genesis of Shizuka Aki.

The body you see before you has always been fragile, since very early on. When I, Shizuka, was a small child, I was always bedridden, sick, or weak. I was practically raised in a hospital room. Of course, I had spent my childhood outside of the hospital between illnesses, to which I grew a distrust of others, after friendship was so crudely given and taken away. My family died slowly, as I grew, most recently my last sister within a few years. My mother and sisters, of accidents, my father of his own choosing. Before my sisters passed, they had taken me to this city, to the hospital, seeking medical treatment for something I had been diagnosed with, which left me crippled, left me in a wheelchair. My muscles were weak, atrophied, and my legs were eventually rendered useless. I had difficulty swallowing. Slowly, as well, I felt myself losing my grip on coherent words. It was for this, I was in Harper. It was also this, that I was turned. Perhaps out of pity? Perhaps out of my weakness? I cannot say. It was at that time, that Kamikaze was born. The personality, the disjointed one that you have heard in the past, kept to the back of the mind, though was always present, willing to be the violent one, willing to do what needed to be done, when I was too weak to, when I was too scared, too queasy. The third personality also emerged, though was never there as we were not ready for it. It was always observant, always watching, always listening... Kamikaze became more and more deranged, the more the body, my body..., was sent to the Shadow Realm. I am.. maybe the original personality of this body, but.. it's hard to say anymore. Maybe we're all just a fragment of one whole. Having been within the Shadow Realm, you lose yourself, sometimes never getting yourself back, never finding it. The voices.. The voices started, once we found ourselves able to see spirits in the realm of the living, and then when I summoned my first wraith, which was my youngest sister. Now, the voices cry out, most I do not know, though I continue to hear new ones. I cannot date or tell where they come from. I know they're real. I have to believe this.

Finding herself embarrassed, having talked so much, in one large cluster, Shizuka hushed herself for a moment. She felt awkward, but she felt quite relieved, to get this off her chest. Staring at Charles, she then took to the journal, and sighed. Would there be many of these to come? How many voices were to get their own? A conduit of the souls, the body would be writing many, until they were satisfied, or until they were banished from the body, from the mind. Did she have the will, to let go of the body for that? Did she trust the others, to give rein to them, without safeguards? Worried, Shizuka rubbed her hands together a bit, a frown forming momentarily, before she focused. Eyes closed, she counted down from ten, then opened her eyes. She was going to do this. She needed to. She needed to let the body grow strength, and perhaps letting these others in would help the body grow.

They wish to be heard, they wish to act, some even wish to use the body as we do. If they are heard, and are left to write within their respective journal, then they should let us be, right? Would it make sense, for them to quiet down? Or would you think they'd just.. be taking advantage of the situation, and perhaps do more damage than good?

[Doc]

Doc watched her as she spoke. It was his impression that she had had a firm grasp of the issues she faced. He returned her regard with an honest expression, “Before I answer your question Shizuka, I would like to give you my impressions from our meetings.”

Leaning forward, his elbows resting on his legs and his hand linked together loosely, his voice became more clinical as he spoke. “It is clear to me that you are quite aware that you have Dissociative identity disorder. This is a disorder that is primarily manifested in childhood, in order to deal with a or a series of traumatic or stressful events. What you described would fit this diagnosis. The personalities that you describe are, as you surmised, all part of you. Shizuka, you are the host, or main personality of the body. But Kamikaze and the unnamed third personality are also a part of you. Kamikaze, is in broad terms, your protector. The third personality, I have no comment on at this time, since I have not spoke to them.

“Prognosis for recovery is generally not.. positive.” He paused, “But in your case, I would say you have found a positive way in adjusting thus far. With continued counseling, and work on your part, I am confident that, should we not be able to merge the three together, You can at the very least, have a productive future. Kamikazi was the one that contacted me. She knew she needed help, she is fiercely protective. So the fact that she reached out, is important. For you to progress, the three of you, as it were, need to work together. To share the same goal. They should have equal say in your future. They are a part of you.”

Doc let that sink in for a moment as he got his thoughts together on the other part of the diagnosis. “The dissociative identity disorder is just part of your issue. I won’t call it a problem, because I do not see it as a negative.” He rubbed his forehead and leaned back some, as he gathered his thoughts, “I am not sure how much you know about what is occurring in the city, but I think you may be feeling some effects of those events.

“Currently in the city there are fractures that are opening, outside of the Quarantine Zone. This has resulted in a higher number fadebeasts coming through, some of them have been quite strong as well. Because we can pinpoint the appearance of the fractures to the excessive numbers of fae creatures, it tells us that these fractures are related to, and fracturing in their natural realm. It is my belief that from your extended time in the Shadow Realm, you have somehow become a conduit to the spirits in the Shadow Realm. Then these fractures have exacerbated the issue, allowing perhaps more spirits approach and interact with you that could not have otherwise. You said earlier you were hearing the voices of those long dead and those that spoke a language that was unknown to you. These would not be splinters of your personalities. This is something completely different.

“It is all supposition, as I have no case studies to base this on. But it seems that about the time these fractures started, you seemed to be more overwhelmed than normal. A dual diagnosis is not a bad thing. It may seem daunting to you, because you want to move forward. The good news is I think you will be able to move forward.. just not at the pace that you may to. You could decide to view this as a boon.” He paused and raked his hair back from his face. “You have the unique opportunity to learn from these long dead vampires, secrets that have been lost to us in this current time.”

He thought for a moment, then finally said, “So now .. to answer your question.. it is doubtful, in my opinion, that they will completely leave you alone. They have been in the Shadow Realm so long, they would crave intelligent interaction. Once they have reattained that interaction, they would not wish it to be taken from them. But again, this is where, you could learn a great a deal from them. You would be giving them interaction, showing them their words do have value, and you would reap the benefit of years and years of knowledge. But you three.. Shizuka, Kamikazi and Three, need to be in agreement as to what you want, and how you wish to go about securing it.”

Doc looked at her, as though to say, ‘ball is in your court’.